Will my SKs grow up seeing me as an evil stepmum?

[Millenmc]

Backstory is: I have 2 SSs who live with us full time and stay with their mum EOW. OH and I also have a toddler together and another baby on the way. Due to circumstances that we couldn't get around, OH works away- right now he is back every weekend but that will change to him being away the every second weekend (which we'll obviously make sure coincides with the weekend they are at their mum's).

It's been a total roller coaster since SKs came to live with us but I feel like things are starting to smooth out. Basically when they lived with their mum they spent about 80% of their woken time on the computer or watching TV, she didn't send them to school, they were rarely washed, didn't have to brush their teeth and lived off of take-aways. They struggled with us introducing bath-times, bedtimes, brushing teeth, going to school and there were lots of tantrums initially but now they are just in the way of this and it's completely normalised. When they stay at their mum's they don't need to do any of this but they know at our house that's what happens.
Socially they are now thriving and are both doing really well at school, having caught up on their time missed in school (I'm a teacher so OH and I also did lots of catch up work at home to the point where it's now no longer necessary). So overall I think we are doing pretty well.
Here's my main worry though, as I am now effectively their main carer week-to-week, I feel like I'm the one who is always being strict and doing all the stuff they hate.

Some examples:

• When OH is back he's more relaxed about bedtimes and at their mum's they don't have a bedtimes at all whereas because I have them during the week when they have school, and I am on my own and have OD to put to bed, I stick to the bedtimes quite rigidly as I find it easier to function that way.
• I get them to tidy up their rooms and tidy up after themselves, again they don't have to do this at their mum's or when they visit their grandparents. I've suggested to OH that it would be helpful to get them to do more around the house and he is fine for me to do that but it would pretty much be on me.

-We can't afford lots of takeaways so I homecook our meals (and I wouldnt want constant takeaways anyway) but literally everyone else- their mum, their grandparents (OH's parents are separated so see them separately) will always take them out for dinner when they see them so I feel like I'm giving boring meals while everyone else is treating them. Same with sweets. Both SSs were extremely overweight when they came to us (in the 99th percentile for their weight and age), over the last couple of years since being with us, through eating healthier and being encouraged to be more active, they have gradually slimmed down and while still overweight, are both much much closer to healthy weights. We have treats in our house however not constantly (and we pretty much avoid sweets completely unless at a birthday party or something as both SSs were starting to get tooth decay) whereas every time they see their mum or gran or grandad they have lots of treats- cakes, ice creams, etc and usually not just one thing and it's every single time. At their mum's they will have crazy amounts of sweets. Like I say, we have treats but they're occasional, what I would say is a normal, healthy amount. However when OH is home he gives them more treats than I think he should as well (and more than I would want my own children getting). -I'm the one doing their homework through the week which no one else does

• I give them screen time but to be honest I hate children on the computer all the time (I see the impact of this at work) so I try my best to limit it. However at their mum's they have unlimited screen time and it tends to be what they do all day when there, OH doesn't let them play the whole day if he's back but let's them on much more than I would be happy with for our own children and more than I think is healthy (although from speaking to kids at school its probably pretty normal) when he's back I tend to leave their parenting decisions to him so they then get way more computer and screen time when he's home than with me.

I feel like I'm basically the mean and boring person in their lives while everyone else is able to constantly give them treats, let's them spend hours on the computer. No one else has to get them to school, to do homework, get them to bathe and wash themselves or tidy up after themselves. I'm trying to do what I think is right by them although even then I actually feel like allow them more screen time or things that I wouldn't want my own children to have, but because it's what they're used to from everyone else I give in even when it's going against what I feel is right. I'm more strict with my 18month old daughter than I am with them (as strict as you can be with an 18month old) because I feel like I need to give them more leeway as a result of what everyone else does with them. She gets far less treats and minimal screen time (she gets to watch a couple of episodes of Bluey at weekends or maybe The Gruffalo if she's not been well).

I feel like if I was their biological mum it wouldnt be so bad but as Im the stepmum I worry about how they are going to view me in the future as a result. Will they look back and see me as the evil stepmum who was a taskmaster while all the other people in their lives gave them all these things that I don't? Will they think it's because I don't really love them so I'm just being mean but everyone else loves them so does all these 'nice' things for them?

At the moment we seem to have a good relationship and while they might grumble sometimes, they generally do what I ask. I just worry that they'll view it differently as they get older, particularly when I read posts from adults who were stepchildren and think that their stepmum hated them and was really mean to them. I'm genuinely trying to do what I think is right by them though. I've tried to make sure that they have consistency and routine, which they never had before, I make sure to read them stories before bed and signed them up to clubs, again, things they never really had before but that are just normal for other kids. I try to take them to do nice things but this is usually easier to do at the weekends, which is when their dad is back and they're obviously excited to spend that time with him so I feel like our time is really during the monotonous school week.

One day they will see you as their saviour ( as long as their mother and father don’t manage to drag them down).

I strongly suspect they will look back and see you as an angel who saved their lives. Maybe as teenagers they won’t appreciate what you have done for them but as adults they absolutely will. I hope your partner also appreciates you singlehandedly raising his children?!

You seem to be the only one effectively parenting them OP.
how does that make you feel about your DH? Knowing he’s a negligent parent

as for your question…. Who knows how they will come to view you. But at least you know your heart is in the right place.

As for their mother, I am surprised SS weren’t involved

How long have you been with their father?

because if he is as shite as your OP indicates… then I don’t see you and him staying together

If I had my own biological children this is exactly how I’d want to bring them up. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job and have their best interest at heart. You’re parenting them not befriending them and in your situation they need that!

I’d be less concerned about my SC

and more concerned about fact that you are unlikely to stay together with this man, which means he will have access to your daughter, which means he will “parent” her in the same negligent fashion as he does to his older children

They won't see you as an evil stepmother OP. You are the only decent adult in their life who's prepared to parent them 💐 I hope your husband shows his appreciation every damn day.

Oh and stop treating them differently to your own DD. She will grow up and resent the hell out of you for it.

DH definitely isn't a negligent parent. He just happens to be one that works away out of necessity at present. I'm more strict with things than him, but not to an extreme and plenty of parents will be slightly different in that sense. When he is he, and before he had to go work away, he very much took on the vast majority of parenting when it came to my SSs.

I suppose it depends on their character - they could just view you like a mum.

But tbh I struggled to concentrate on that given the ridiculously raw deal you've got here. You're looking after three children, soon to be four including a baby and two that aren't even yours, by yourself? What on Earth could the circumstances be that made that necessary? I would be moving mountains to make it so your DH was at home. This set up is really not right.

I think you could be right with this and that worries me too. I did used to be less strict with them and have gradually been pulling back on what they are allowed treat and screen time wise so I am hoping that by the time she is old enough to realise, that they will be more of the same level that I'd be happy with for her.

Op he has left his pregnant wife to raise his two disturbed and abused children as well as the toddler they share together

that is pretty much the definition of negligent

I've written about it all before on here and to be honest can't be bothered to write the whole story out again but believe me, we really tried with every other option before getting to the point where OH had to go work away. It's not what either of us would want but financially we just didn't have any other option. We are trying to set something up so that in the future he doesn't have to, but at present that's where we're at.

It's really not. Like I said in a previous post, I'm not going to bother going into the background of everything as it's not what I'm here for. I'm not some abused woman who's being forced to care for children she doesn't have to look after. And my partner isn't some absent father who has dumped his kids on someone else because he can't be arsed caring for them. We went through and tried every other option before he had to work away and he does whatever he can to get away and be back here whenever possible.

How old are they?

Of course you're going to treat an 18 month old different to school age kids! They are at completely different stages of development.

You sound like you're doing great, and I think they'll appreciate everything you're doing when they're older (probably not when they're teens though!)

I don't think it matters too much about not getting takeaways, and I'm sure they don't see your food as boring. But if you're worried about it,why not get them involved in cooking? Choosing what they want to make, making their own pizzas or helping with dinner. It's all useful life skills as well as fun.

You are doing amazing. It sounds like the situation is unmovable for the time being but please make sure you are carving out time for yourself when your husband is home. Go stay with family/friends for a night. Or a hotel. I did this just after Christmas and it was amazing. Your husband might be away working but he only has himself to worry about. If he has a problem with looking after ALL of his children so you can have a break then I would be reassessing the marriage.

Thank you. They are 11 and about to turn 7.

That's a good idea. They do help sometimes with cooking and really enjoy it so it's definitely something I could get them to be more involved in.

They might tell you they hate you at 13 and then Thank you profusely at 21.

They might be fine through the teenage years just because everyone else in their family outside your household is so chaotic. Even teens suite like routines really. It makes them feel safe. They will push against the boundaries but kids with no boundaries really really struggle.

In all honesty he's one of those people that makes parenting all of them together look so effortless that it's frustrating! He definitely has no problem taking them all for the day when he's back. My mum and dad are great helps too, I'm off work ill at the moment and they've taken our toddler so I can get some time to myself while the boys are in school.

I bet he does Op

Given he is child free for 85% of the month and then back for weekends when no school / routine / homework etc.

Kids need firm boundaries in their lives.

I think and hope that when they grow up they'd have the maturity to recognise that you've been very good to them. You sound like such a good person, they're very lucky to have you.

You are providing them with love, boundaries, structure and stability, and keeping them safe. They might not have the language to articulate how you make them feel, and sometimes they will not appreciate the boundaries, but they will recognise it and feel it, and that safety will be their bedrock as they continue to grow up. In later years they are unlikely to look back on either of their biological parents and be impressed by their own efforts at parenting.

Hang in there. You do seem to have the shitty end of the stick for a lot of the time just now, but rest assured you are doing it right.

Well we had almost 2 years of him at home, doing the lion's share of the care with SKs for me to see his parenting skills before we got to this point that he's had to go away so yeah, I'm pretty confident with his ability to parent effectively.

Thank you for this.

I'm a stepmum too to a now young adult DSS. My relationship with him is incredibly rewarding and he's one of my favourite people in the world. He's pretty fond of me too😁He lived mostly with his very competent DM, so not at all the same situation as you, but the nature of DH's work and his DM's work did mean that I did a fair amount of solo parenting. There's a very small gap between my youngest 2 so i do also have some empathy for what it's like to juggle an 18-month old, a newborn and a DSC!

My only advice is to balance the strict day to day stuff with as much laughter and shared jokes as you can manage. It takes a phenomenal effort at times but you will be repaid with beautiful relationships with your DSC that will last a lifetime (yes, even if you and your DH did split up - as a minimum you are connected for life through their siblings)