Will my SKs grow up seeing me as an evil stepmum?

[Millenmc]

Backstory is: I have 2 SSs who live with us full time and stay with their mum EOW. OH and I also have a toddler together and another baby on the way. Due to circumstances that we couldn't get around, OH works away- right now he is back every weekend but that will change to him being away the every second weekend (which we'll obviously make sure coincides with the weekend they are at their mum's).

It's been a total roller coaster since SKs came to live with us but I feel like things are starting to smooth out. Basically when they lived with their mum they spent about 80% of their woken time on the computer or watching TV, she didn't send them to school, they were rarely washed, didn't have to brush their teeth and lived off of take-aways. They struggled with us introducing bath-times, bedtimes, brushing teeth, going to school and there were lots of tantrums initially but now they are just in the way of this and it's completely normalised. When they stay at their mum's they don't need to do any of this but they know at our house that's what happens.
Socially they are now thriving and are both doing really well at school, having caught up on their time missed in school (I'm a teacher so OH and I also did lots of catch up work at home to the point where it's now no longer necessary). So overall I think we are doing pretty well.
Here's my main worry though, as I am now effectively their main carer week-to-week, I feel like I'm the one who is always being strict and doing all the stuff they hate.

Some examples:

• When OH is back he's more relaxed about bedtimes and at their mum's they don't have a bedtimes at all whereas because I have them during the week when they have school, and I am on my own and have OD to put to bed, I stick to the bedtimes quite rigidly as I find it easier to function that way.
• I get them to tidy up their rooms and tidy up after themselves, again they don't have to do this at their mum's or when they visit their grandparents. I've suggested to OH that it would be helpful to get them to do more around the house and he is fine for me to do that but it would pretty much be on me.

-We can't afford lots of takeaways so I homecook our meals (and I wouldnt want constant takeaways anyway) but literally everyone else- their mum, their grandparents (OH's parents are separated so see them separately) will always take them out for dinner when they see them so I feel like I'm giving boring meals while everyone else is treating them. Same with sweets. Both SSs were extremely overweight when they came to us (in the 99th percentile for their weight and age), over the last couple of years since being with us, through eating healthier and being encouraged to be more active, they have gradually slimmed down and while still overweight, are both much much closer to healthy weights. We have treats in our house however not constantly (and we pretty much avoid sweets completely unless at a birthday party or something as both SSs were starting to get tooth decay) whereas every time they see their mum or gran or grandad they have lots of treats- cakes, ice creams, etc and usually not just one thing and it's every single time. At their mum's they will have crazy amounts of sweets. Like I say, we have treats but they're occasional, what I would say is a normal, healthy amount. However when OH is home he gives them more treats than I think he should as well (and more than I would want my own children getting). -I'm the one doing their homework through the week which no one else does

• I give them screen time but to be honest I hate children on the computer all the time (I see the impact of this at work) so I try my best to limit it. However at their mum's they have unlimited screen time and it tends to be what they do all day when there, OH doesn't let them play the whole day if he's back but let's them on much more than I would be happy with for our own children and more than I think is healthy (although from speaking to kids at school its probably pretty normal) when he's back I tend to leave their parenting decisions to him so they then get way more computer and screen time when he's home than with me.

I feel like I'm basically the mean and boring person in their lives while everyone else is able to constantly give them treats, let's them spend hours on the computer. No one else has to get them to school, to do homework, get them to bathe and wash themselves or tidy up after themselves. I'm trying to do what I think is right by them although even then I actually feel like allow them more screen time or things that I wouldn't want my own children to have, but because it's what they're used to from everyone else I give in even when it's going against what I feel is right. I'm more strict with my 18month old daughter than I am with them (as strict as you can be with an 18month old) because I feel like I need to give them more leeway as a result of what everyone else does with them. She gets far less treats and minimal screen time (she gets to watch a couple of episodes of Bluey at weekends or maybe The Gruffalo if she's not been well).

I feel like if I was their biological mum it wouldnt be so bad but as Im the stepmum I worry about how they are going to view me in the future as a result. Will they look back and see me as the evil stepmum who was a taskmaster while all the other people in their lives gave them all these things that I don't? Will they think it's because I don't really love them so I'm just being mean but everyone else loves them so does all these 'nice' things for them?

At the moment we seem to have a good relationship and while they might grumble sometimes, they generally do what I ask. I just worry that they'll view it differently as they get older, particularly when I read posts from adults who were stepchildren and think that their stepmum hated them and was really mean to them. I'm genuinely trying to do what I think is right by them though. I've tried to make sure that they have consistency and routine, which they never had before, I make sure to read them stories before bed and signed them up to clubs, again, things they never really had before but that are just normal for other kids. I try to take them to do nice things but this is usually easier to do at the weekends, which is when their dad is back and they're obviously excited to spend that time with him so I feel like our time is really during the monotonous school week.

Oh and well done, you're doing everything right!

I’d be worrying about teenage rebellion and the likelihood of them going back to BM’s because she has no boundaries. Is there a court order? When can DH stop working away?

They’ll probably realise what you did for them when they’re adults, but there’s a strong probability that they’ll rebel against you as teenagers, and you’re going to need DH’s support and presence to get through that.

If they managed to get decent jobs and stay out of prison when they are 30+ they will thank you.

I know adults who without their step-parents help, including ex step-parents, they realise they would have been where they are today.

I just want to commend you for being the stable person in their life, who cares enough to be strict and enforce rules and standards. If its any comfort, in a sea of convenience food and takeaways, a LOT of people think very nostalgically of the humble home cooked meals of their childhoods. You are doing great.

I think as long as you do what you are doing with love and kindness they will be fine.
They may well kick off at some point and think the grass greener where there are no rules and lots of takeaway food but generally kids do better with boundaries and routine.
Evil SM don't tend to do the grunt work of parenting.

Yes it was the court who put them into our care (and in all honesty I was shocked that they gave mum unsupervised contact given some of the things that went on there).

I don't worry too much about the oldest wanting to go back there. Whilst he loves his mum, he's old enough to realise what isn't normal about their life there and while he might get frustrated with a higher set of expectations at times, he understands that he has a better quality of life now. During the court case (when they had already been placed in our care) the judge met with him to ask what his wishes were and he said to stay with us but he still wanted to be able to see his mum, which is what's now happening. The youngest had also said this at the time but I worry more about him wanting to go back to stay with his mum when he's older. He was taken away when he was too young to really realise that things weren't right and now he's away he just sees it as the place he gets to do and eat what he wants.

We don't have a set date but in all likelihood it will be a couple of years at least.

The fact that you have a good relationship just now, I don't think they'll grow up hating you. Children crave routine and they need boundaries and you're the only one giving them that. They will have built a lot of respect for you because of it. As they get older (perhaps minus the grumpy teenage years) they will grow to appreciate everything you've done for them even more.

I have a DSD who has just turned 5. Her mum, I would say, is a very lazy parent. No bedtime routine, cereal for dinner and she's allowed to sit with an ipad all day. She doesn't get bathed at mum's either. At our house we are very structured and she is very aware of the expectations in our house. Bath at 6.30, bed with a story at 7, sleeps in her own bed, no snacks/treats unless you've finished your dinner, keep your room tidy. She gets a lot of attention here and we do lots of fun things. We're currently teaching her to read and write and she helps me cook sometimes.

Her mum has mentioned to my DH about DSDs terrible attitude and behaviour. She tells her mum she hates her and is going to tell daddy on her. She's facetimed DH before because DSD was having an absolute meltdown about taking medicine. He had to go collect her, calm her down and give the medicine. Nursery have said she cries and tantrums when mum drops her off.

This is a completely different child to who we have on our time. The last time I remember DSD having a tantrum was 2 years ago. We're always bragging about how lucky we are to have such a well behaved and mannered little girl. She's honestly a dream. She goes to her bed without hesitation and will stay in her own bed all night. We did have a phase where she refuses to eat her dinner but we tried different strategies and moved her dinner time and now it's no problem.

I think a lot of this is down to her respecting her dad and I. We give her routine, she knows where she stands at ours and feels secure. Maybe at the time she thinks it's great that she gets to stay up late at mums watching YouTube and helping herself to ice cream whenever she wants. But the result of that freedom is very little respect for her mum. She does love her mum though.

Similarly with my DSS16, we've had spells of him not coming because he didn't agree with our boundaries, but actually over time he's realised we were right and we now have him here the majority of the time. We're currently working on "adulting training" which is progressing slowly but surely. At the weekend he actually wrote out a declaration of things he's going to do including getting up for school ontime, getting a shower every morning, breakfast, making his bed and keeping his room clean. If he's not up at 7.30 I've to pour a mug of cold water over his head! His idea! 🤣

The key is to explain why that boundary is in place. For example my DH told DSS, I'm not asking you to set an alarm and get up early because I want you to be miserable, but when you get a job, your boss won't be chapping your door to make sure you're up on time. They'll just sack you for being late.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job and you have a lot more on your plate than most people. Stop doubting yourself. It'll all be worth it. I do hope your DH managed to sort a job where he can be closer to home. I know it's not always as easy as people make out. I do the school run everyday because I WFH and I've had comments from people about how it should he DH doing it. But it's what works for our family and I'm happy to do it. I'd maybe speak to your DH about your concerns. I assume he just turns into a bit of a Disney dad because he feels guilty about not seeing them very often. But in the long run that's not what the kids need and he's only doing it to make himself feel better.

Kids don’t want a home where they can eat rubbish and do what they want all the time. They want rules and boundaries because those are what make them feel safe and give them a stable life. Kids are often smarter and more tuned in than we give them credit for.
Yes they may need to do chores and homework etc and not get as much game time as they want, but they now can go to school without the anxiety of not having their work done/being dirty/not understanding. They can live their lives knowing they don’t have to worry about their meals, their bedtimes anything because they can trust you to be on top of it. There’s a lot to be said for that.
Just make sure your oh doesn’t become a Disney parent on the weekends (I know you say he’s great, but if he’s not getting a lot of time with them it may happen without thought) and make sure he always backs you up with them and they know there’s 2 adults there that feel/work the same.
You are smashing this!
Fwiw my dss has a mum that didn’t have rules, was permissive but generally pretty shit etc. He’s an adult now and hasn’t spoke to her in 12yrs

To echo others you’re doing a fantastic job, but:

I’d caution that the court put them into their father’s care, not yours. If the children express that they’d rather be with BM when they’re 12+ and OH is away so much, they’ll go to BM’s, regardless of how well you’re raising them.

Your OH needs to seriously step up where he can, to support your boundaries. On weekends he needs to keep to your routine and enforce bedtimes and home-cook and give you some time off. You’re never going to get BM on side and grandparents will always want to spoil the children but your household’s routine and rules need to be upheld by both the adults, not just you, or resentment will build all round. He doesn’t get to Disney Dad whilst someone unrelated does all the hard work.

The damage to yours and OH’s relationship is going to be huge from him working away for so long and so much. You’re effectively volunteering to be an overburdened single parent with loads of children with different needs with no time alone with your partner. This kind of situation will lead to you becoming distant. Can you move, downsize, cut back in any way which would allow him to take a different job?

That is a relief to hear 😊 utilise it! So important for look after yourself, you can't pour from an empty cup.

This too. He needs to up his game when he's home.

OMG you are a saint! The kids may resent it now but when they are fully grown adults who are able to function in the world because SOMEONE took the time and care to teach them how, they will know who to thank. I don't think you should really take on this work yourself but in their world of adults who won't take responsibility for them, I'm so glad for them they have you 💐

When he's back he does cook at home (and tends to be the one doing the cooking then) but yeah, bedtimes are later. On one hand I get it because it's the weekend, which but then I just worry that it just looks like I'm the strict one that sticks to the bedtime throughout the week. I also would like them to get to bed early enough so OH and I could get some child-free time together when he's back, so definitely something I'll speak to him about. He tends to get younger SS to bed at an OK time but will sit up a lot later talking to oldest SS and watching a film or something with him. It's hard because I know he likes that time with SS too and SS loves having that time with his dad without the younger ones around.

In terms of us getting more time together, for now we have the weekends that the boys are at their mum's, when OH goes to fortnightly then we've discussed me taking the toddler to stay with him where he is (it's a beautiful place anyway) so we'd get to see him after work, I'm not sure how well it will work in reality though, particularly once the baby is here.
He had this job when we met so we've been there before but obviously now with kids it's a different kettle of fish. He can't pull back on his hours but what he can, and does do us get 'deals' from his boss. Basically if they meet certain targets earlier in the week then they can get an early dart. He used to do this and sometimes would get away at the end of the day on a Wednesday. It's not guaranteed though and can depend on the mood his boss is in and the work they are doing but I know he works his arse off to try to maximise his chances of getting off sooner. He is also sometimes given 'travel days' when he's not actually working but is supposed to use them to get to the job he's on and he'll stay home for these whenever he can, for example he was given a travel day on Monday and stayed the day then left late Monday night, depending on the job and where it is and how things are at home, sometimes he'll stay home the full travel day and then leave at 4am the next day to get to the job on time.

I think you are doing an amazing job! I had neglectful parents and my brother, sister and I were all overweight children. Luckily we had an amazing Nana who looked after us a lot when we were young. Seeing that example of home cooked meals and actually being cared for probably saved us and I’ve tried to replicate that with my own children.

Unfortunately, my Nana died when I was 12 and my brother was 4. My brother was left in ‘the care’ of my parents. By the time he was 18, he weighed 22 stone. He’s now 30 and lost an amazing 8 stone and has a professional career, but has really low self-esteem and social anxiety.

Modelling a caring family life with boundaries is showing your SC that you care. They will see that one day.

Is there no ongoing SS support given what the boys experienced?

how are they doing at school given their mother withdrew them? Are they at the same school? How do you manage drops offs and work?

I think you're doing a great job.

Your OH, if he's expecting you to do all this, needs to back you up when he's there, not undermine your efforts

It is quite remarkable that the children don’t have profound behavioural problems.

how do they get on with your daughter?

Op, I think you are doing an amazing job, and they will realise what you have done in the long term.
My own ds used to kick off against some of my house rules, but when he was 18 he had a couple of friends with chaotic backgrounds and one day we had a conversation about it, he had come to realise that we gave hime a safe loving home, and the boundaries were actually for his benefit.

Kids are not stupid, they do final realise that it was better with you, but you might go through some kicking off in between.

good for you OP.

They had SS involvement when living with their mum but SS stepped back almost as soon as they were placed with us (after an initial assessment that the court ordered them to carry out then a follow up just to check everything was fine then they said they were no longer required).

They were very behind in school initially, in particular the oldest who had missed about 3 years of school. The younger one it was more the social interactions he had missed out on so he really struggled socially and emotionally initially but is like a different boy now and loves school and is really popular. The oldest has caught up really well, still slightly behind in maths but has made incredible progress from where he was. He has also thrived socially going to school and was voted as house captain and been putting himself forward for all kinds of things in school that he never would have done before. These are kids that the teachers told us would cry if asked a question in class, the youngest spent the first few weeks hiding in a corner and under tables.

They are both at the same school although the oldest is due to go to high school after summer. DH managed drop offs and pick ups before he had to go away, now we have managed to arrange wraparound childcare. I was on mat leave when they first started back at school so OH and I both supported getting them to and from then as they found leaving us really difficult initially (the youngest in particular).

My job is actually behaviour and learning support so Im equally surprised that there's not serious behavioural problems after what they've been through. They were very difficult initially but not a patch on some of the children I work with and now their behaviour is very normal, the occasional grump but generally they've become really good at regulating their emotions, talking through problems and coping with change and if things don't go their way. I'm lucky in that I could use a lot of what I know from my job but it's a very different position to be doing it at home, whilst trying to build a positive step-parent relationship. OH was great at supporting them through understanding their emotions and regulating their behaviour as well and was really open to advice on how to best approach things. That's one aspect of all this that I'm pretty proud of because I feel confident that regardless of how they come to view me in the future, they now have a future ahead of them that they very likely wouldn't have had before as they would have been totally disengaged from society and unable to form and manage friendships and relationships.

Oh I didn’t realise you had wrap around care. That must really help. At least DH is paying for that presumably!

Yes, there's been the odd time I've paid it but for the most part it's been him.

In terms of their relationship with our daughter, that's one of the things that has helped me get through and not run off when it's felt really tough. They absolutely adore her and she loves them. Youngest SS and her in particular are besotted with each other. I think their relationship has helped my relationship with them as well.

Couldn't agree more with the posters who are saying that in fact - one day they'll see you as the constant in their lives that cared about their welfare above all else.

I have been you and had to build boundaries and teach children to use a knife and fork aged 9 . My DC are all adults now and sadly my DH passed away. They are my rocks we love and support each other along with my 2 DD. As adults they appreciate all my DH and I did and my DSD say I taught them how to be a mum

If they do respond in this way at some point, my feeling is that it would be because it may feel safer for them to rebel against your stricter boundaries rather than face hard feelings about why their mum didn't look after them as needed and meet their needs, or feeling abandoned with dad working away.

At some point it may feel easier to rebel against the reliable adult than to feel those difficult feelings. But as they mature I think it is likely they will gain a true understanding of what you have done for them.

Jesus OP, you are doing a stellar job - and since they’ve been emotionally smart enough to respond to your parenting they will certainly be smart enough to see that.

Your DP isn’t coming across especially well mind you. Since he is working away, you are effectively parenting and you do need to agree on the rules, ie he needs to fall in with you more. So talk to him / tell him this. He’s taking the piss a fairly epic amount. What is he doing about getting a job that isn’t away from home? Because you slaving away raising his kids isn’t great or good for them.

Don’t worry about GPS treating them - it’s what GPS are for. Balance being strict with some fun days with treats you can afford (some not food related if poss) so you get to have fun with them too.