Backstory is: I have 2 SSs who live with us full time and stay with their mum EOW. OH and I also have a toddler together and another baby on the way. Due to circumstances that we couldn't get around, OH works away- right now he is back every weekend but that will change to him being away the every second weekend (which we'll obviously make sure coincides with the weekend they are at their mum's).
It's been a total roller coaster since SKs came to live with us but I feel like things are starting to smooth out. Basically when they lived with their mum they spent about 80% of their woken time on the computer or watching TV, she didn't send them to school, they were rarely washed, didn't have to brush their teeth and lived off of take-aways. They struggled with us introducing bath-times, bedtimes, brushing teeth, going to school and there were lots of tantrums initially but now they are just in the way of this and it's completely normalised. When they stay at their mum's they don't need to do any of this but they know at our house that's what happens.
Socially they are now thriving and are both doing really well at school, having caught up on their time missed in school (I'm a teacher so OH and I also did lots of catch up work at home to the point where it's now no longer necessary). So overall I think we are doing pretty well.
Here's my main worry though, as I am now effectively their main carer week-to-week, I feel like I'm the one who is always being strict and doing all the stuff they hate.
Some examples:
- When OH is back he's more relaxed about bedtimes and at their mum's they don't have a bedtimes at all whereas because I have them during the week when they have school, and I am on my own and have OD to put to bed, I stick to the bedtimes quite rigidly as I find it easier to function that way.
- I get them to tidy up their rooms and tidy up after themselves, again they don't have to do this at their mum's or when they visit their grandparents. I've suggested to OH that it would be helpful to get them to do more around the house and he is fine for me to do that but it would pretty much be on me.
-We can't afford lots of takeaways so I homecook our meals (and I wouldnt want constant takeaways anyway) but literally everyone else- their mum, their grandparents (OH's parents are separated so see them separately) will always take them out for dinner when they see them so I feel like I'm giving boring meals while everyone else is treating them. Same with sweets. Both SSs were extremely overweight when they came to us (in the 99th percentile for their weight and age), over the last couple of years since being with us, through eating healthier and being encouraged to be more active, they have gradually slimmed down and while still overweight, are both much much closer to healthy weights. We have treats in our house however not constantly (and we pretty much avoid sweets completely unless at a birthday party or something as both SSs were starting to get tooth decay) whereas every time they see their mum or gran or grandad they have lots of treats- cakes, ice creams, etc and usually not just one thing and it's every single time. At their mum's they will have crazy amounts of sweets. Like I say, we have treats but they're occasional, what I would say is a normal, healthy amount. However when OH is home he gives them more treats than I think he should as well (and more than I would want my own children getting).
-I'm the one doing their homework through the week which no one else does
- I give them screen time but to be honest I hate children on the computer all the time (I see the impact of this at work) so I try my best to limit it. However at their mum's they have unlimited screen time and it tends to be what they do all day when there, OH doesn't let them play the whole day if he's back but let's them on much more than I would be happy with for our own children and more than I think is healthy (although from speaking to kids at school its probably pretty normal) when he's back I tend to leave their parenting decisions to him so they then get way more computer and screen time when he's home than with me.
I feel like I'm basically the mean and boring person in their lives while everyone else is able to constantly give them treats, let's them spend hours on the computer. No one else has to get them to school, to do homework, get them to bathe and wash themselves or tidy up after themselves. I'm trying to do what I think is right by them although even then I actually feel like allow them more screen time or things that I wouldn't want my own children to have, but because it's what they're used to from everyone else I give in even when it's going against what I feel is right. I'm more strict with my 18month old daughter than I am with them (as strict as you can be with an 18month old) because I feel like I need to give them more leeway as a result of what everyone else does with them. She gets far less treats and minimal screen time (she gets to watch a couple of episodes of Bluey at weekends or maybe The Gruffalo if she's not been well).
I feel like if I was their biological mum it wouldnt be so bad but as Im the stepmum I worry about how they are going to view me in the future as a result. Will they look back and see me as the evil stepmum who was a taskmaster while all the other people in their lives gave them all these things that I don't? Will they think it's because I don't really love them so I'm just being mean but everyone else loves them so does all these 'nice' things for them?
At the moment we seem to have a good relationship and while they might grumble sometimes, they generally do what I ask. I just worry that they'll view it differently as they get older, particularly when I read posts from adults who were stepchildren and think that their stepmum hated them and was really mean to them. I'm genuinely trying to do what I think is right by them though. I've tried to make sure that they have consistency and routine, which they never had before, I make sure to read them stories before bed and signed them up to clubs, again, things they never really had before but that are just normal for other kids. I try to take them to do nice things but this is usually easier to do at the weekends, which is when their dad is back and they're obviously excited to spend that time with him so I feel like our time is really during the monotonous school week.