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Step-parenting

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Original poster

6 years and I can't do it anymore...

57 replies

indigooo · 21/03/2023 22:52

Hi everyone,
Nothing more than a rant and cry post.

I've been with my DH for 6 years (married 3). He has 2 children. Things have never ever been straight forward. I was abused by his ex mentally and verbally for the first 18 months, I don't know why I didn't just leave then... it got better when we got married and she apologised etc but the problems have never ever stopped.

DH has always been amazing throughout and has done nothing but apologise for 6 years basically. I love him so much but I do think I've stayed partially from guilt. Because after all he isn't the one hurting me.

What's always upset me is that I am a bloody good step mum. I do everything for them. They love me, I care for them whilst there here and even Bend over backwards for them when they're at mums too. There's honestly nothing I wouldn't do for those kids. We have an amazing relationship but I've realised what a toll it's taking.

Me and DH have a 1.5 year old together. I have never recovered from my postnatal depression because of the situation. Although I'm a good step mum I feel like my daughter just gets what's left of me. Which lately has been nothing.

For the past 2 months it's just been hell.
Can't give too many details as quite outing but their mum is just been a nightmare. I've cried every day and night silently on my own when everyone's in bed. I can't do it anymore. I can't juggle it anymore. I can't see my husband and I working out anymore because of how horrific this is. What do I even do? I don't want to take my daughters dad away from her. We are all such a happy family when we're together. But I can't be someone's verbal punch bag anymore. I feel like I've been bullied for 6 years of my life, I try so hard I never argue back. But it doesn't work. She never ever stops. It's making my life miserable. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear.

My husband has tried what he can but says he can't do anything else as she'll withhold the kids (I do understand this, any parents worst fear). But when do I put myself and my daughter first? Can't even believe I'm writing any of this but my heart is just genuinely broken and I think this is the end.

Sorry this is so chaotic I just needed to get it all out. I haven't had the chance to tell anyone else..

OP posts:
Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 21/03/2023 22:55

Can you limit your interaction with her? Make your partner the only point of contact?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2023 22:55

How’s she contacting you? Direct to your face or over the phone or via the kids? It’s hard to understand.

KeeperSweeper · 21/03/2023 22:58

I am sorry you are having such an awful time, and completely relate to your comment about your own dd getting what is left of you after everything else.

Like PP I wonder about how or why she is contacting you?

If I were you and I wanted to save my marriage, I would be quite strict about not talking to ex at all. Let him deal and don't get involved. Then focus your energy on your dd, she deserves that emotional energy, random ex does not!

Doyoumind · 21/03/2023 22:59

This is down to your DH. His ex can't stop him seeing the children. If contact has been consistent for 6 years, she hasn't got a chance. He should take legal advice and grow some balls.

Honeyroar · 21/03/2023 23:02

How old are the stepchildren?
Im a stepmum, I remember the days when his ex was a pain in the butt, and our lives were made hell resolving around her. I can only say that it won’t last forever. As the children get older and more independent the ex will have less power. The kids get their own lives, friends, clubs etc. Then they go to college and uni, and completely make their own decisions. Nowadays my stepson comes to us a lot more, often for a break from his mum. Overall he’s busy with his own life, and we see him a few times a year. And do you know what? After all those years of longing for a break, I miss him!

Honeyroar · 21/03/2023 23:04

Ps, taking legal action is sometimes simply out of people’s financial ability. It’s not always as simple as people say on these threads!

Campervangirl · 21/03/2023 23:05

I was with exdp 15 yrs, never once have I ever spoken one word to dss dm.
Not my circus not my monkeys.
I had and still have a very good relationship with dss but there was never any reason for me to interact with the DM, she's a complete nightmare, tried to cause all sorts of nonsense at the start of our relationship so I completely stepped away, exdp did all the interaction, she didn't have my phone number, I wouldn't answer if she rang the house, didn't do pick ups or drop offs to her house, zero interaction.
In your circumstance I would block her on everything and grey rock her.
If you want more detailed advice on here you probably need to give a bit more info on your situation.

Original poster
indigooo · 21/03/2023 23:10

She comes to my door, shows up unannounced (ie we're supposed to be dropping kids off at 4pm she'll come and get them from ours at 1pm) she calls my house phone, calls me from no caller ID. She tells the kids inappropriate things about me, for example I had a miscarriage, she told the kids that they WOULD have had another brother/sister but 'indigo's baby died' etc... kids were crying asking me why baby died etc... 3 days after my d&c.

won't let them call their little sister their sister, so kids come to ours saying "mum said (DD) isn't my real sister" and "mum said you and dad don't like us now you have (dd) is that true?" They say this out of innocence and you can tell they are upset. Like I said it improved for a bit but swiftly went downhill again. And the last few months have been just like the start..

SD came home the other day and said "my mum said (dd) looks like you because shes ugly" 💔 I just can't do it anymore. I don't get it. I've never done anything to the woman. I get I'm with her ex but it was a mutual split between them. No bad blood supposedly.

I've told DH he needs to take her to court and do something but he said he's worried about the fact that lots of the things she does is in person, or on a no caller ID. Texts are sometimes sent but I block her sometimes to make it stop. I bought myself a ring camera to hopefully deter her from coming and being awful at my front door.

So depressed...

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 21/03/2023 23:10

How has the mother of his children actually been able to verbally abuse you for all this time? Why has she even been able to contact you? Surely all and any necessary communication about the children is done directly from the mother of the children to the father of the children? Have you not been able to totally withdraw? And your husband should be supporting you in that, as of course he should be in charge of all communication regarding the children, so should be intercepting any abusive messages/keeping a safe log of them. If I was you I’d start prioritising. For example, what do you mean you ‘bend over backward’ for them when they’re at their mums? How and why? Of course he must prioritise all his children - you do not have to do this. His kids and his ex are his problem. Your child should not be getting ‘what’s left’ of you. She should be the one you are bending over backwards for.

LittleOwl153 · 21/03/2023 23:11

You need to give your DH the choice either he takes on a stronger line with the Ex and keeps you out of it all... sorry but him saying he can't push any further (so you have to suck it up and be his shield is pathetic) or you seek separation. You DD isn't quite old enough but she will soon see she's second best to your steps and that is never good for a child.

He needs to stand up to the Ex and if she withdraws contact he seeks a child arrangement order - might be the best thing to do. It isn't that expensive and as he already has proven contact and it just seeking to formalise that it shouldn't be easily contested. Kids over 12 are much more likely to get their opinion taken into account too.

Kanaloa · 21/03/2023 23:12

Oh, I see she comes to the door. I’d just ignore that - there’s no reason for you to answer it when the father of the kids can answer it. As for the rude comments that the kids are echoing, I’d just answer them honestly and bluntly. ‘No, Amelia is not ugly. That’s a very silly and mean thing to say, isn’t it?’ And ‘Amelia and you have the same father, you share the same parent. That means she is your half sister, so mummy is wrong that she isn’t your sister.’ I wouldn’t listen to any further conversation on that because it’s factually incorrect.

KeeperSweeper · 21/03/2023 23:18

indigooo · 21/03/2023 23:10

She comes to my door, shows up unannounced (ie we're supposed to be dropping kids off at 4pm she'll come and get them from ours at 1pm) she calls my house phone, calls me from no caller ID. She tells the kids inappropriate things about me, for example I had a miscarriage, she told the kids that they WOULD have had another brother/sister but 'indigo's baby died' etc... kids were crying asking me why baby died etc... 3 days after my d&c.

won't let them call their little sister their sister, so kids come to ours saying "mum said (DD) isn't my real sister" and "mum said you and dad don't like us now you have (dd) is that true?" They say this out of innocence and you can tell they are upset. Like I said it improved for a bit but swiftly went downhill again. And the last few months have been just like the start..

SD came home the other day and said "my mum said (dd) looks like you because shes ugly" 💔 I just can't do it anymore. I don't get it. I've never done anything to the woman. I get I'm with her ex but it was a mutual split between them. No bad blood supposedly.

I've told DH he needs to take her to court and do something but he said he's worried about the fact that lots of the things she does is in person, or on a no caller ID. Texts are sometimes sent but I block her sometimes to make it stop. I bought myself a ring camera to hopefully deter her from coming and being awful at my front door.

So depressed...

Wow after that update I think this is more of a police matter. I thought you meant harassing you in the more general sense of being really rude on Whatsapp or similar. Sorry. I think you need to record all of these incidents and contact the police.

As for all the nasty and horrific comments coming via the children - DH should be coming down hard on that and making it clear how to speak to people respectfully.

GingerBoot · 21/03/2023 23:19

Is contact/access arrangements court ordered? If not, it should be and your DP is making lame excuses for not doing so. If it is court ordered, get back into court and inform them of all the times she's not sticking to agreed times etc. Get a solicitor informing her to stay away. Your Ring doorbell should give you all the ammunition and evidence you need of her turning up unwanted and unannounced. Arrange third party drop off and pick up - ie contact centre - so there's no need for her to come pick kids up. Screenshot all messages. Download an app that records all your incoming calls, regardless of the number. Keep a diary. Inform the police. Get a non-molestation order. You don't have to put up with this and your DH should be supporting you more, not telling you you have to put up with it because there's no evidence. Bullshit

LittleOwl153 · 21/03/2023 23:22

So I'd block her numbers on your landlines - DH will have to use his mobile for the kids if their mother can't be civil. If she calls on a withheld number and you pick up I'd either hang up or just hand the phone to DH. Do not listen to her at all.

Maybe take the kids out for the last few hours of contact, or at least keep them in back rooms away from the door then ignore the bell. This will be easier with a ring doorbell as it doesn't have to audibly ring... I would keep log of the times she shows up making a nuisance of herself as this will help your husband should he ever have the spine to go to court.

The court process provided he is seeking just to formalise what they've been doing for the last 6 years shouldn't be that onerous and shouldn't need evidence of behaviour. That would only be the case if he was seeking full custody.

LittleOwl153 · 21/03/2023 23:24

Have you actually told him you can't take in anymore and are considering separating from his as a result... his reaction would me telling...

BeesOnLavender · 22/03/2023 00:11

My husband has tried what he can but says he can't do anything else as she'll withhold the kids (I do understand this, any parents worst fear). But when do I put myself and my daughter first?

He is enabling his ex's abuse of you. He's throwing you under a bus because he thinks that's the only way to maintain a relationship with his DC. It's not fair, it's not ok and you don't have to put up with it.

I would start right now this second with blocking her on everything, phone, email, social media. If you have to get a new phone number then do so (and don't give it to her or to anyone else who would give it to her).

You don't need to be available for your DSC while they're at their mother's, if there's some sort of problem she can sort it out herself or find someone to help her out it out. If she doesn't deal well with problems and the DSC are suffering as a result, that's an issue for your DH to sort out and is nothing to do with you. You shouldn't need to have any contact with his ex at all and I'd be telling DH tonight that's how it will be going forwards.

Your DH can and should do more. Allowing you to be abused because that's what's easiest for him just isn't on. If he doesn't step up and support you in ending this nightmare situation then you're right to end the relationship. In those circumstances you'd have to face up to the fact that what you have isn't a "good" man but a weak one 💐

BeesOnLavender · 22/03/2023 00:28

Sorry this is so chaotic I just needed to get it all out. I haven't had the chance to tell anyone else..

Abuse thrives on secrecy. This has been going on for 6 years. Tell your family, tell your friends, tell your GP and health visitor, lean on everyone for support you deserve it. This abuse has made you ill. Start being less available in general. You don't need to be present when DSC have contact time with their father. You're not his free childcare so you don't need his permission to go out or stay elsewhere. Do you have any friends or family you'd like to visit for the weekend? Ask DSC to take their questions to their father in future. Take you DD out to baby groups, mum's groups, church coffee morning. Anything. Get yourself some more friends ie a support network, even if these are only people you see at the activities you do together. It all helps.

Isthisexpected · 22/03/2023 00:36

I think your husband is very weak here and letting you down badly. He should have been contacting the police and trying to stop this behaviour.

davegrohll · 22/03/2023 00:47

Family court doesn't have to cost - your husband can respresent himself (my dh did and has several times now and he's no legal whizz)

He needs to grow a pair and stand up to her, for you, your dd and the dsc because this behaviour is out of line. She is also fucking her kids heads up with all these comments, it isn't fair on anyone. Give him an ultimatum - court or it's over.

jemimapuddlepluck · 22/03/2023 00:52

Your DH is really letting you and your DD down here. You sound so beaten down. This is a police matter, she is abusing you. If I were you I would take my precious child and leave. You do not deserve any of this op I hope you can find the strength to make changes. This isn't living. Just imagine you and your DD together and thriving.

NotABeliever · 22/03/2023 00:55

Your DH needs to step up. He's the only one who can make it stop. Surely he can do better than this without running his relationship with his children.

SquidwardBound · 22/03/2023 08:15

NotABeliever · 22/03/2023 00:55

Your DH needs to step up. He's the only one who can make it stop. Surely he can do better than this without running his relationship with his children.

This is exactly right.

He hasn’t done everything he can. And won’t.

He’s decided that you have to put up with being abused because not tackling his ex or his children is a higher priority for him than you are.

Why on earth is he not doing something about his children telling you that you and your daughter are ugly? I would be addressing that with my child if he were behaving like that. You’ve been together 6 years which means that his children are definitely old enough to know they’re being horrible, regardless what their mother is saying or doing.

He is letting you and your DD down in very real ways. And convincing you that he’s somehow a helpless victim in it all rather than the only person who can do anything about it.

Mateyduck · 22/03/2023 08:19

Your DH needs to step up, get a court order for contact and make sure you never see or speak to the woman again. Your DH is the key to this and the threat to withhold the kids is nonsense as he can go to court and get a court order that would prevent all that rubbish.
make robust concrete plans together for tackling this, as it cannot go on and your marriage is at risk - dh needs to know how close to the wire this is and step up now.

Doyoumind · 22/03/2023 08:55

Honeyroar · 21/03/2023 23:04

Ps, taking legal action is sometimes simply out of people’s financial ability. It’s not always as simple as people say on these threads!

It only need cost the application fee if you self represent. Many people do. I did. It's within his power to sort this.

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 09:00

You need to have zero contact with her. Block her permanently, I don't know why you haven't already. Don't allow pick ups at your house. Never answer the door when she comes over. Your DH should only speak to her via email.

If he won't make these changes, I would leave.