6 years and I can't do it anymore...

[indigooo]

Hi everyone,
Nothing more than a rant and cry post.

I've been with my DH for 6 years (married 3). He has 2 children. Things have never ever been straight forward. I was abused by his ex mentally and verbally for the first 18 months, I don't know why I didn't just leave then... it got better when we got married and she apologised etc but the problems have never ever stopped.

DH has always been amazing throughout and has done nothing but apologise for 6 years basically. I love him so much but I do think I've stayed partially from guilt. Because after all he isn't the one hurting me.

What's always upset me is that I am a bloody good step mum. I do everything for them. They love me, I care for them whilst there here and even Bend over backwards for them when they're at mums too. There's honestly nothing I wouldn't do for those kids. We have an amazing relationship but I've realised what a toll it's taking.

Me and DH have a 1.5 year old together. I have never recovered from my postnatal depression because of the situation. Although I'm a good step mum I feel like my daughter just gets what's left of me. Which lately has been nothing.

For the past 2 months it's just been hell.
Can't give too many details as quite outing but their mum is just been a nightmare. I've cried every day and night silently on my own when everyone's in bed. I can't do it anymore. I can't juggle it anymore. I can't see my husband and I working out anymore because of how horrific this is. What do I even do? I don't want to take my daughters dad away from her. We are all such a happy family when we're together. But I can't be someone's verbal punch bag anymore. I feel like I've been bullied for 6 years of my life, I try so hard I never argue back. But it doesn't work. She never ever stops. It's making my life miserable. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear.

My husband has tried what he can but says he can't do anything else as she'll withhold the kids (I do understand this, any parents worst fear). But when do I put myself and my daughter first? Can't even believe I'm writing any of this but my heart is just genuinely broken and I think this is the end.

Sorry this is so chaotic I just needed to get it all out. I haven't had the chance to tell anyone else..

In the short term; new mobile number / do not answer any calls from withheld numbers and get a new landline number. She has your husbands mobile number; she doesn’t need your landline number.
Don’t answer the door to her. If she arrives early for the DC, DH texts her to say she is early, leave the property and you will return the children at the agreed time.
don’t allow her to contact you. She sounds vile.

You and your DH both need to read "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk"

It will empower you on how to deal with much of the crap AND empower the DC with critical thinking skills to deal with their Mums behaviour and what she says to them.

Wishing you the very best in things improving.

..empower the DC with critical thinking skills to deal with their Mums behaviour and what she says to them.

Indeed - that is what I have been trying to say, and you have said much better. Don't pretend it is not happening; don't pretend it does not make you sad; don't leave them in the dark as to what might be causing this. But DO speak with them in a calm way, so that can feel secure that they are listening to the voice of reason from someone they can trust. OP and her DH should have these discussions together with them.

So when the says "Mummy said xyz" you can reply with a casual "oh, why do you think Mummy said that?"

It can be incredibly enlightening listening to their thoughts. Sometimes they will be voicing these things because they want the truth from a parent figure they trust.

The DC need to be able to trust and believe their inner voice and feelings especially if they sometimes oppose what their Mum tells them.

I've come from a similar situation to you. Before I met my DH, he was in a toxic situation where she told him when, where, for how long he could see not see his kids, expected a financial reward on top of the maintenance he gave her for letting him see them and she wouldn't let him see them alone. His name wasn't on the birth certificates. She called all the shots and for her advantage.

When I came along (5 years after the split) she went mental, harassing him by text, phone call, stopping him from having the children, threatening court, bad mouthing me (at this point we had never met or had any link as I didn't see the children) it was hell.

The reason I stayed was because even though it was hell, and he didn't know what to do he was willing to do anything to improve the situation.

So we put boundaries in place. We formalised through a solicitor contact, covering everything from over nights to holidays to special events. It cost us £1000 but it was worth it as it was an agreement by both parties and it's largely stuck too. I met her and showed her I was not a Disney villain and that I was a reasonable person. I let her text me if she needed until she over stepped the mark then she got blocked. We renegotiated communication via text to DH, unless something was urgent then either parent has a same day obligation to notify the other (think medical injury etc). We accepted reasonable requests but rejected the unreasonable. My DH was at first nervous about this, but she backed down every single time. And it got easier as a result as she knew we wouldn't accept crap selfish decisions. This didn't stop all of it and every three months or so we get some drama but it doesn't escalate like it used too.

As for the kids, they find the situation hard, because they are exposed to family politics directly at hers, ours it's a firm rule never ever to complain about her and explain our reasoning fairly about the decisions that directly involve the children. They still struggle but we try to keep the peace and be as fair as possible around them.

It's not easy, took years but by placing reasonable, firm boundaries and having a DH who is willingly to do this not just for the sake of us, but for the well being of his children too it has got better.

Don't ever be afraid to stand up for the reasonable. If she stops contact, it will more than likely be for a short period of time and if it isn't involve mediation. Either way is better than dealing with a life time of crap.

How did she know about your miscarriage?
did your husband tell her? That’s mad if he did.

Gather your evidence and file every single bit of it to the police.

You won't be able to log the bits the kids say, but any volatile behaviour over the phone or on the door step you absolutely can and should report.

Once you've enough evidence to suggest bad behaviour, get a non mol order put in place. That way she'll have to toe the line or face prosecution if she breaches non mol.