6 years and I can't do it anymore...

[indigooo]

Hi everyone,
Nothing more than a rant and cry post.

I've been with my DH for 6 years (married 3). He has 2 children. Things have never ever been straight forward. I was abused by his ex mentally and verbally for the first 18 months, I don't know why I didn't just leave then... it got better when we got married and she apologised etc but the problems have never ever stopped.

DH has always been amazing throughout and has done nothing but apologise for 6 years basically. I love him so much but I do think I've stayed partially from guilt. Because after all he isn't the one hurting me.

What's always upset me is that I am a bloody good step mum. I do everything for them. They love me, I care for them whilst there here and even Bend over backwards for them when they're at mums too. There's honestly nothing I wouldn't do for those kids. We have an amazing relationship but I've realised what a toll it's taking.

Me and DH have a 1.5 year old together. I have never recovered from my postnatal depression because of the situation. Although I'm a good step mum I feel like my daughter just gets what's left of me. Which lately has been nothing.

For the past 2 months it's just been hell.
Can't give too many details as quite outing but their mum is just been a nightmare. I've cried every day and night silently on my own when everyone's in bed. I can't do it anymore. I can't juggle it anymore. I can't see my husband and I working out anymore because of how horrific this is. What do I even do? I don't want to take my daughters dad away from her. We are all such a happy family when we're together. But I can't be someone's verbal punch bag anymore. I feel like I've been bullied for 6 years of my life, I try so hard I never argue back. But it doesn't work. She never ever stops. It's making my life miserable. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear.

My husband has tried what he can but says he can't do anything else as she'll withhold the kids (I do understand this, any parents worst fear). But when do I put myself and my daughter first? Can't even believe I'm writing any of this but my heart is just genuinely broken and I think this is the end.

Sorry this is so chaotic I just needed to get it all out. I haven't had the chance to tell anyone else..

So DH feels unable to intervene for fear of contact reducing/stopping, but the flip side of that is he jeopardising his marriage and will have a third child he'll have to sort contact arrangements for.

Measures are going to have to be taken so that you have zero contact with ex, DH takes over. If she rings withheld you immediately hang up, no interaction, let DH know she's called so he can liaise with her for whatever it was she called for. You are removed from the equation. In regard to the children, as a pp suggested, you answer factually to any relayed slight from their mother then change the conversation.

@LucieLemon It seems to be remarkably common that a father’s attitude to his younger child(ren) is totally different to his older children in a stepfamily context.

It seems that they care less about the younger children having parents together. Like they’ve decided that doesn’t matter because the SC don’t have it anyway. Many fathers seem quite happy to risk being a NRP to all their children rather than set boundaries with their ex and elder children.

It becomes so difficult and hurtful as the mother of the younger child(ren) as you realise that your husband genuinely care much less about you and your child(ren)’a happiness that he does about tiptoeing around in relation to his older children. It’s often death by 1000 cuts as his choices, actions and words continually reinforce that you and your children just matter less.
Or, as in this situation, it’s pretty major stuff like seeing you being abused and your mental health suffering as fair collateral damage in him getting the outcome he wants.

You’d think that the guilt he feels about his older children would make him much keener to ensure that his second family stays intact. But too often it seems the attitude is ‘well it doesn’t matter; my family is already broken’. It’s not nice at all.

Your husband is a disgrace for enabling the abuse. He obviously needs to get a court order, as PPs said it is not expensive and even if it were, the bare minimum he should have done years ago is get a second job to strive to pay court fees and lessen the abuse his kids are getting from the mother. It’s shocking that he hasn’t bothered. Time to start documenting the woman’s abuse. Tell her to get off your property. Openly video her on your phone, pass on any harassment to the police. Consider if all this is worth it, just to have some crap bloke around.

Also, your husband should of course, years ago, have arranged to deposit his kids to the woman away from your home, and should have told her she is not to contact you. Why has he done absolutely nothing? Does he not repulse you?

They tend to do a great line in emotional
manipulation IME. My hypothesis is that he quite successfully spins this so that he is the victim, the poor, beleaguered non resident father who just wants to be able to see his kids.

Somehow his wife becomes an antagonist if she objects to being abused because she’ll somehow be responsible for him not being able to see his kids.

Too many men play the powerless victim and somehow scapegoat their wives should they dare to assert any boundaries or show any regard for their own well-being.

That, in itself, is abusive. The whole situation is abusive and the OP deserves so much better. As does her daughter.

May I ask (knowing how unsympathetic I sound) - why do you care what she says? Why does it cut you to the quick and have the power to cut you down so much?

She doesnt sound like shes likeable or worthy of respect, or like someone you would want to be friends with. So if a reasonable working relationship is not possible because of her behaviour, why does what she say have any weight?

You sound absolutely fabulous and like your end is clean. She can rant and rave, scream and shout, insult and bully you as much as she likes. You dont have to let it have meaning or power.

I think what you really need is some distance and perspective. I think you are so tired, so overwhelmed, and have such high standards for yourself as a wife, mother, stepmother and even as the new partner of the ex, that you cannot possibly meet the standards youve set and are exhausting and depressing yourself constantly trying. If i were you, Id tell my partner that I need to take a BIG step back. As others have said, no direct contact - he must handle all handovers, discussions, arrangements etc. I have a feeling that if you remove that one stress in your life, perhaps you will get some emotional rest and start to gain some perspective....and then this horrible bullying harridan will assume her rightful proportions and place in your life....which should be nowhere. She is your partners problem, hand ot over to him and concentrate on the good things in you rlife like your marriage, your child and your stepchildren. It may also help to speak to a minister or counsellor, just to get an outlet for your feelings and maybe some coping skills when you feel overwhelmed. But I think you need to give yourself a break. In fact it might be a helluva good thing to lose your veneer of civilisation just once and give it back to her as good as she dishes it out. Bullies generally back right down when you stand up to them. It doesnt sound like youre in a place where you might be able to do this in real life, but it may give you a laugh when youre feeling stressed and helpless :)

Tell the kids and DH you don’t want to hear ANYTHiNG Their DM says about anything. I don’t see this is hard on them - it’s really bad for them to spout stuff that someone is dead/ ugly etc They wouldn’t be allowed to do this at school!
You are confusing being a half decent Mum (which we all strive for) with being a punchbag gor exes anger/ jealousy etc.

This sounds horrendous. I understand his worry that the children will be used as ammunition but damage is being done to them as is with the downright nasty things being said to them. If your husband won't go down the court route to formalise contact etc to lesson the impact she is having on you I really would take action myself via the police etc. you shouldn't have to give up your relationship and your child's father because of this frankly unhinged woman. And your husband really shouldn't make you feel you must put up with this for the sake of child access. That's why she is doing this. Collage the ring doorbell footage, and the evidence of unsolicited phone calls texts etc. you can download soft ware that records phonecalls. Block her from everything but your husbands mobile number. She needs nothing else. This is harassment. Make it clear in a letter (you may be able to get free legal advice) what the boundaries and if she does cross them give no shits and go to the police. Yes she'll play the victim card to her children and bad mouth you etc. but she's never going to stop otherwise. Try to remember the impact on them is due to her, not because you have taken a stand. Depending on their age, if she does manipulate and play the victim if appropriate just stick to neutral facts only explanations that mum has been asked to stop doing these things and hasn't and that x y a wouldn't have happened if she had stopped. Xx wishing you well. She sounds a bloody nightmare xx

Also like others have said grey rock any talk or passing on nasty messages from her. Just shut it down for your own well being. You can still engage with your step kids and have fun if you feel strong enough too but just do what you can manage. As much as they love you kids often repeat the awful stuff being said to them becaus the 'load' of carrying such awful stuff needs to be offloaded. They don't really think of the impact it has on you. Xx

Maybe you could say to your SC: "Your Mum is cross that her marriage to Dad did not work out and she is taking it out on me by saying these horrid things, which you know are not true. You know that I love you and enjoy taking care of you, so you must not let anything she says upset you."

Erm no, that would make OP just as culpable as bio mum at making them pawns and they'll only go back to bio mum and tell her what has been said which will just escalate the problem. 'OP says you're angry cos she's got dad and you haven't' - you really think this is going calm situation down or inflame it? Leave the poor kids alone. It's for the adults to sort out, mainly mum and dad.

What you've done isn't working so you need to do something else.

Your husband needs to sort her out not let hey get away with treating you like shit.

Dh’s ex was abusive to me. She’s not allowed to my house and I have no contact with her. Blocked on everything. Tell your husband he either stops her coming around or he’ll have another broken relationship and lot of maintenance to pay. Do you need a house phone? You can change your number and there’s no reason for her to have the new one.

Genuine question - Do you think ex would really reduce contact if DH took a stance against her treatment of you? Is ex's child free time something she could easily relinquish out of spite (if you know how she spends it, that is)? Or is it an excuse for DH not to upset the status quo, his life's a little easier not bearing full responsibility for communication with ex? Has she form for controlling access in the past?

Just trying to puzzle out DH's part in this, if she has weaponised contact previously all the more reason to formalise arrangements through court. However, it can't be the reason that you have to put up and shut up, it's unsustainable.

Hi everyone, literally just read through everyone's replies. All I can say is thank you so much, there's been some eye opening advice given here and honestly it's spot on. DH isn't doing enough for me, he isn't, so although he isn't doing the hurting he's enabling it which is just as bad.

I am literally at my wits end with her and the situation. I've told him this today. Given him the ultimatum, he does something or me and his daughter are moving out. He was obviously so upset, told me he shouldn't have let it get this bad. That he thought i was just letting it go over my head (i get this because I tend to get upset at night on my own, but come on this is 6 years in the making of some of the most vile treatment I've ever been given...)

So only time will tell. He's promised me he's going to get a court contact order in place, create an email for contact and ban her from any contact with me. I've looked into a non molestation order and I think that's the best bet, I have some evidence but will continue to collect.

I really hope things change but I am so over it and deflated. I'm not too sure what the future holds.

You've all made me realise i deserve so much more than this rubbish hand I've been given with her. Will definitely be telling the kids that I don't want to hear anything their mum is relaying. They're old enough to understand (they are quite immature for their age but definitely know right and wrong).

I do love my husband and ending it with him breaks me, as I know it breaks him. And I do just think we've become acclimatised to this horrible situation. He shouldn't have let it go on but he did, I will give him chance to get it right but only time will tell.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your advice x

Good for you OP. All the best.

That sounds like a positive plan, all the best x

I'm so pleased OP that you found the strength to have the convo, and although many of us have spoken plainly that your husband wasn't doing enough, I'm relieved he's responded to things the way he has. That's really positive. As many don't. Hopefully together you can put the boundaries in place that are needed and you'll have a much more peaceful life. Xx you deserve it. Lots of love xx

Youve taken the first step and turned the corner, Im so hopeful of a positive outcome for you! Well done OP, sending you lots of positive vibes and best wishes x

Sounds like you've made a really positive plan, OP. Its not going to stop overnight and it may be a long road ahead, but if DH stays true to his word and you present a united front, she'll see she's not going to get away with destroying you, your relationship or your family. It might also be an idea to get yourself some counselling, as its so obviously taken a toll on your emotional health too. Good luck with everything and always remember you're worth more and also need a little time and space for yourself sometimes. Nothing selfish about a little self-care 💐

So what does she say when these children are reporting back these comments? Does she ignore them? Does she pretend she did not hear?

She has to say something that might help them to understand what is going on - and they also need the affirmation that they are loved.

I absolutely understand the "pawn" role - I lived that. But I would have preferred someone to make simple honest statements that might have made sense of it all for me, rather than simply leaving me confused.

@mischance you can show and tell kids they are loved, wanted and cared for without telling them their mum is angry because her marriage failed. It's not tit for tat. Its bad enough they're hearing it from one side without OP joining in.

Gosh I could have written this post, I empathise so much. I have two DCs with DH and two DCS. Luckily your DH sounds far more supportive than mine. No advice really but a handhold. You've articulated exactly how I feel about my DC....they get what's left of me. It's heartbreaking.

Sadly this is very insightful.

I am not talking "tit for tat" - I am talking about helping these children, in an unemotional and objective way, to understand what is going on. For that they need the truth to try and help them to grasp the situation.

Why is my Mum saying horrid things about my step-Mum which I know not to be true? How does a child deal with that? Is it not better that they should be helped to understand the emotions that might drive these statements than just left to sink or swim?

It does not need to be said in an angry emotional way. It is not about OP "joining in." It is about finding a way of helping them to understand and need not be said with venom, or as a criticism. Just, calmly .... "It must be very hard for you to understand what is going on here - it must feel very confusing. We all have emotions - and that is fine. I feel sad when I hear these things; and I guess your Mum feels sad about the fact that she and your dad broke up. Please don't let it worry you. It is for the grown-ups to sort out. Just know that you are loved, and can come and talk to me about things any time you want."

It is very hard to have this sort of discussion in an unemotional dispassionate way, but the OP sounds as though she has her head screwed on and would approach it in a sensitive way.

What she cannot do is leave these children confused and being pulled from pillar to post emotionally.