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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Getting married and partners ex causing major problems

60 replies

NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 21:55

DP and I are getting married in a few months.

I will have three stepkids, who I adore. Two are adults and one is a teen. The teenager lives with his Mum who is generally a difficult person but has really ramped up the unpleasantness in recent days in the run up to the wedding. We had suit fittings this weekend and she made a huge fuss about it, refusing to let the teen go until she had a change of mind about an hour before the appointment.

She has now messaged saying that she is refusing any contact from now on with DSS (13) which coincides nicely with the wedding. She is now threatening court and mediation and asking for huge sums of money for this which we currently don't have.

Has anyone else experienced this type of behaviour from an ex? I am trying very hard to remain sanguine but underneath I am very upset about how she is making this all about her.

OP posts:

Weallgottachangesometime · 20/03/2023 14:54

excelledyourself · 20/03/2023 14:48

The 13 year old can decide to go to their dad's house one night after school and simply refuse to go back to live with their mum. Unless there are safety concerns the police, social services and the school won't be interested.

A 13yo being kicked out of their home at night. How is that not a safety concern?

I agree. A 13 year old being sporadically locked out of his home in the middle of the night is a safeguarding concern. Yes the child could, assuming there are no orders in place preventing it, move in with his dad. We really shouldn’t rely on children to safeguard themselves though. Father should be doing something to safeguards him or at least alerting others who can safeguard him.

davegrohll · 20/03/2023 14:54

Viviennemary · 20/03/2023 14:44

She is obviously still very hurt and not over the break up with her ex. I wouldn't allow my child to attend the wedding either. Were you the OW?

Are you taking the piss? She needs to get over it and stop using her kids as a weapon.
Why is it always assumed the stepmother is the other woman ?!
The only person who would be missing out on the day will be dss (which he should be a part of)

davegrohll · 20/03/2023 14:55

Op she is clearly just bitter. No point in court with the kids ages, ask dss straight if he wants to come and live with you guys instead

SquidwardBound · 20/03/2023 15:03

Viviennemary · 20/03/2023 14:44

She is obviously still very hurt and not over the break up with her ex. I wouldn't allow my child to attend the wedding either. Were you the OW?

The ex should not be seeking to control any of this. Regardless when or how he met his fiancée, it’s simply none of the ex’s business.

If someone is hurt and struggling to get over the end of a relationship, they need to get counselling and sort themselves out. It’s never OK to bring the children into it - or to use them to express her feelings to her exH.

funinthesun19 · 20/03/2023 15:13

Viviennemary · 20/03/2023 14:44

She is obviously still very hurt and not over the break up with her ex. I wouldn't allow my child to attend the wedding either. Were you the OW?

You’re obviously as bad as her then.
It’s her problem if she isn’t over the break up. Stopping your child from attending their dad’s wedding because you aren’t over the break up is really self centred and if your child was hurt and resentful about it then that would be on you and your mess.

EKGEMS · 20/03/2023 15:55

@funinthesun19 Allow me to introduce you to that poster-she comes onto threads and usually gives archaic and sexist advice and 99.9% of the time it's contrary to everyone else because we are not living in the 50's

EKGEMS · 20/03/2023 15:58

@NoEffingWay It really sounds like she is abusive to the children and you may have no choice but to take her to court but whether you do or not do document what you hear and see and keep a log of it so you have evidence of her abuse

Original poster

NoEffingWay · 20/03/2023 17:30

We are gearing up for family court, or at least the mediation report. She is deranged but is doing this because of the wedding.

She also likes to kick up a stink near birthdays, Christmas and other significant dates but the wedding has produced a whole new level of unpleasantness.

OP posts:

Bepis · 20/03/2023 20:27

Viviennemary · 20/03/2023 14:44

She is obviously still very hurt and not over the break up with her ex. I wouldn't allow my child to attend the wedding either. Were you the OW?

Why would you not allow your child to attend the wedding? They wont thank their mother for it when they are older. Been there myself. DH ex stopped his son coming to our wedding and he gets upset that he isn't in the photos. He asks why and I just say because your mum wouldn't let you.

GingerBoot · 20/03/2023 20:36

I'm going to admit that I've not read all posts, only those of OP.
Why on earth has it taken dad so long to reach even mediation. Why has he not already applied for full custody, never mind more than one day's access, which is not even guaranteed. Its not that he doesn't have enough evidence of her instability/abuse if she's really been reported to every agency? This is just unbelievable. Why have these children not been removed from such an abusive and toxic environment?

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