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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Getting married and partners ex causing major problems

60 replies

NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 21:55

DP and I are getting married in a few months.

I will have three stepkids, who I adore. Two are adults and one is a teen. The teenager lives with his Mum who is generally a difficult person but has really ramped up the unpleasantness in recent days in the run up to the wedding. We had suit fittings this weekend and she made a huge fuss about it, refusing to let the teen go until she had a change of mind about an hour before the appointment.

She has now messaged saying that she is refusing any contact from now on with DSS (13) which coincides nicely with the wedding. She is now threatening court and mediation and asking for huge sums of money for this which we currently don't have.

Has anyone else experienced this type of behaviour from an ex? I am trying very hard to remain sanguine but underneath I am very upset about how she is making this all about her.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 20/03/2023 06:55

NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 23:01

@Laurdo She turns up, bangs on the door so loudly it's either the police, the bailiffs or her (only her thus far!) and sends pages and pages of abusive texts.

What fun!

Continue to phone the police and block her number so she can't text. Surely her banging on the door is better than the kids being out on the street. Why not ask about getting a restraining order in place. If you have had to call the police multiple times and have evidence of abusive messages I'm sure they'll be able to do something about it.

daimtheman · 20/03/2023 06:58

I'm assuming he has parental responsibility for the 13 year old? If so, he needs to use it, keep the child with him and go to court.

He's just passively letting this happen and saying he can't do anything when he clearly can.

He can't do anything legally about the adult child apart from tell them they're welcome to live with you. Do you have space for both of them?

Once again on a thread like this, I'm not sure why people are saying call social services. This child has another parent who can protect them and they need to do this.

Flakjacketon · 20/03/2023 07:13

Unhinged behaviour is not unusual. My DSC were invited to be pageboy and bridesmaid at the wedding of a friend. DH checked with his ex, and she agreed. We had no problems with dress/suit fittings etc.

Night before the wedding, DH went to pick up DSC and the house was empty. Ex had taken them away for the weekend and wouldn't respond to calls or texts.

In your case I think you should take ex to court. Keep a detailed journal, documenting everything - dated and timed. Your DP could probably represent himself. Accusations of abuse should get CAFCASS involved, for the youngest, and DC will be spoken to. There is always the chance that they will not speak against their Mum but you should try.

Good Luck and have a lovely wedding.

Aftjbtibg · 20/03/2023 07:13

Weddings and new babies seem to be pressure point with exs in my experience and from people I know. We barely saw DSD in the few weeks before our wedding and were so worried she’d be stopped coming (it was fine in the end luckily) and when we had DC there was lots of manipulation and stopping DSD coming to see us. It settled down and as DSD progressed through her teenage years her mum had less control and she made her own decisions

holachicas · 20/03/2023 07:45

You need to contact social services and a solicitor.

MzHz · 20/03/2023 07:58

HelloBunny · 19/03/2023 22:29

I’d be inclined to leave this guy, his ex & his kids to it... But, that’s just me!

Me too.

from experience, don’t blight you life with his shit.

wait till the teen is an adult and free of her or just leave it - you have a choice, to have a life with her trying to break you, or not.

SquidwardBound · 20/03/2023 08:08

what you need to be asking yourself is: why has you fiancé allowed this to go on?

in the last 3.5 years he could have taken her to court for a proper contact order (for his youngest anyway). He could have involved the police and taken steps towards a NMO if necessary over her abuse and harassment.

He could have offered his older children a stable, permanent home they don’t get regularly thrown out of.

But… if you are going to marry yourself
into this mess, you need to set boundaries with him about this stuff. His ex and his contact issues are not your problem. You cannot solve any of it - only he can , and hasn’t.

Step back. Decide that it’s your wedding and drama whether his children are there or not is not going to be the defining feature of it. If they’re there, they’re there. If their mum blocks it, that is life. Their father needs to recognise this as the ongoing consequences of his previous relationship and try to shield you from the horrors in his personal baggage.

The only way to survive as a stepparent in a toxic, dysfunctional environment like this is to disengage. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

You cannot support a partner through this stuff, especially when he’s not taking the basic steps only he can take to rectify things.

gencritdd · 20/03/2023 08:27

Why hasn't your OH got a court order in place?

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 20/03/2023 08:30

You need to take this to court. In the meanwhile you could apply for a specific issues order to force her to allow them to attend the wedding.

SquidwardBound · 20/03/2023 09:05

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 20/03/2023 08:30

You need to take this to court. In the meanwhile you could apply for a specific issues order to force her to allow them to attend the wedding.

HE needs to take this to court.

It’s fundamentally unfair and selfish to marry someone else without resolving absolutely bullshit drama from your previous relationships like this. No one should be expected to take this dysfunction on.

SquidwardBound · 20/03/2023 09:13

This isn’t a situation where all had been nice and straightforward and out of the blue the ex went rogue (which does sometimes happen). It’s just a further escalation of bullshit such that the OP’s wedding in now dominated by absolute nonsense from his past relationships.

It’s really not ok that people don’t get their houses in order before they start new relationships. It’s not fair to expect someone to take on this dysfunction and have it profoundly affect their life like this. It’s asking someone to join you inside a building that’s on fire - when you haven’t called the fire brigade or even taken the fire blanket out of the cupboard.

BessieSurtees · 20/03/2023 09:56

Why do they not live with you are they not old enough to chose?

Why has your partner put off going to court?

If she is as demonic as you are making her out why have police not been called or social services. Given that the 13 year old would have been 9 or 10 when your partner left?

Reugny · 20/03/2023 10:00

SquidwardBound · 20/03/2023 08:08

what you need to be asking yourself is: why has you fiancé allowed this to go on?

in the last 3.5 years he could have taken her to court for a proper contact order (for his youngest anyway). He could have involved the police and taken steps towards a NMO if necessary over her abuse and harassment.

He could have offered his older children a stable, permanent home they don’t get regularly thrown out of.

But… if you are going to marry yourself
into this mess, you need to set boundaries with him about this stuff. His ex and his contact issues are not your problem. You cannot solve any of it - only he can , and hasn’t.

Step back. Decide that it’s your wedding and drama whether his children are there or not is not going to be the defining feature of it. If they’re there, they’re there. If their mum blocks it, that is life. Their father needs to recognise this as the ongoing consequences of his previous relationship and try to shield you from the horrors in his personal baggage.

The only way to survive as a stepparent in a toxic, dysfunctional environment like this is to disengage. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

You cannot support a partner through this stuff, especially when he’s not taking the basic steps only he can take to rectify things.

This

jemimapuddlepluck · 20/03/2023 11:33

You need to step back from all of this. Is he worth all this drama? Does part of you enjoy the drama? If she turns up, you ring the police. Simple. Make sure shes blocked on everything, neither of you need to speak to her at all. Is your partner engaging with her? If so, why? The 13 year old knows where you live, he has your numbers, you don't need any involvement with her at all. Especially you.

jemimapuddlepluck · 20/03/2023 11:37

NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 22:31

@knittingaddict because she knows that by asking for money, it will cause undue stress to us. We are the opposite of rich, and she knows it.

We pay CMS and split other expenses such as birthdays and Christmas

This for example. Why do you not just ignore the messages? Why can she still message you? Your DSS isn't a young child hes 13! With his own phone! As far as the suit fitting went, just say 'ok' and disengage. She will cause as much fuss as you allow.

Bepis · 20/03/2023 11:40

With their being no court order in place, your DH could keep the 13 year old living with him and there's nothing she can do about it.

Also the 18 year old can just walk out, come live with you and never see her again.

You mention that she physically prevents even the 18 year old from leaving the house. That's false imprisonment and illegal (assuming you are in the U.K.). It would be a police matter which would then create an automatic referral to social services.

Your partner needs to get tough with his ex and take control of this situation to protect the children, they are being abused.

Laurdo · 20/03/2023 11:59

jemimapuddlepluck · 20/03/2023 11:37

This for example. Why do you not just ignore the messages? Why can she still message you? Your DSS isn't a young child hes 13! With his own phone! As far as the suit fitting went, just say 'ok' and disengage. She will cause as much fuss as you allow.

Show quote history

Exactly this. I've been with my DH since his boys were 13 and 14. He's always just contacted them directly to make plans. He has an amicable relationship with DSS15s mum and calls her maybe 3 times a year when something important has come up eg. DSS getting into trouble at school. He has a 5yo DD with DSS16s mum so has to maintain contact with her, however this is restricted due to her behaviour and for a time was email only. He doesn't reply to texts that don't require a reply, he doesn't entertain anything that's not a legitimate question, eg. Could you pick DD up from x instead of y?.

The ex sounds horrid but your DP doesn't seem to have done much to shut her down and protect his kids. I'd honestly prefer that he got his shit together, better boundaries in place and actively did something to remove his kids from the horrible situation they are in before considering marriage. A wedding should not be the priority right now when his kids are being flung out on the street and abused by their mother.

Reugny · 20/03/2023 14:35

SquidwardBound · 20/03/2023 09:05

HE needs to take this to court.

It’s fundamentally unfair and selfish to marry someone else without resolving absolutely bullshit drama from your previous relationships like this. No one should be expected to take this dysfunction on.

Show quote history

Unless the children have some form of learning disability/developmental delay/mental health issue then a Court won't be interested due to their age.

The 13 year old can decide to go to their dad's house one night after school and simply refuse to go back to live with their mum. Unless there are safety concerns the police, social services and the school won't be interested.

However it is far better for the 13 year old to inform his teachers of the difficulty they face living with one of their parents before moving to live with the other parent. That way if the parent they left kicks off and starts throwing false allegations around, the child has a third party can help back them.

In regards to the 18 year old - they are an adult. They can do what they like as long as they aren't breaking the law.

cornflakegeneration · 20/03/2023 14:40

NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 21:55

DP and I are getting married in a few months.

I will have three stepkids, who I adore. Two are adults and one is a teen. The teenager lives with his Mum who is generally a difficult person but has really ramped up the unpleasantness in recent days in the run up to the wedding. We had suit fittings this weekend and she made a huge fuss about it, refusing to let the teen go until she had a change of mind about an hour before the appointment.

She has now messaged saying that she is refusing any contact from now on with DSS (13) which coincides nicely with the wedding. She is now threatening court and mediation and asking for huge sums of money for this which we currently don't have.

Has anyone else experienced this type of behaviour from an ex? I am trying very hard to remain sanguine but underneath I am very upset about how she is making this all about her.

Yes. Have experience. Every lovely event that happened in our lives was deliberately disrupted by DH's ex. She must have put our wedding anniversary, birthdays etc on a calendar because we'd hear nothing for months then a load of inconvenient harassment around these events clearly designed to make life difficult for us. It's so unfair on the children but it sounds like thankfully they are getting older and it won't last too much longer.

Viviennemary · 20/03/2023 14:44

She is obviously still very hurt and not over the break up with her ex. I wouldn't allow my child to attend the wedding either. Were you the OW?

cornflakegeneration · 20/03/2023 14:45

I would also say to call the police every time she comes to the house making a scene and keep a log of all text messages/emails/phone calls.

It doesn't take much to be deemed harassment for which she could be arrested for.

Weallgottachangesometime · 20/03/2023 14:46

Viviennemary · 20/03/2023 14:44

She is obviously still very hurt and not over the break up with her ex. I wouldn't allow my child to attend the wedding either. Were you the OW?

Sorry but even if this was the OW and she was hurt that doesn’t mean manipulating your children and preventing their contact with their father is ok.

Even if an affair was involved you’ve got to get over it at some point and separate that from child contact arrangements.

cornflakegeneration · 20/03/2023 14:47

Viviennemary · 20/03/2023 14:44

She is obviously still very hurt and not over the break up with her ex. I wouldn't allow my child to attend the wedding either. Were you the OW?

So hurt that she's throwing her own children out on the street? Give over.

excelledyourself · 20/03/2023 14:47

Viviennemary · 20/03/2023 14:44

She is obviously still very hurt and not over the break up with her ex. I wouldn't allow my child to attend the wedding either. Were you the OW?

Even if you had no reason to think the child didn't want to attend?

You really would have be quite selfish then, wouldn't you?

excelledyourself · 20/03/2023 14:48

The 13 year old can decide to go to their dad's house one night after school and simply refuse to go back to live with their mum. Unless there are safety concerns the police, social services and the school won't be interested.

A 13yo being kicked out of their home at night. How is that not a safety concern?