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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Getting married and partners ex causing major problems

60 replies

NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 21:55

DP and I are getting married in a few months.

I will have three stepkids, who I adore. Two are adults and one is a teen. The teenager lives with his Mum who is generally a difficult person but has really ramped up the unpleasantness in recent days in the run up to the wedding. We had suit fittings this weekend and she made a huge fuss about it, refusing to let the teen go until she had a change of mind about an hour before the appointment.

She has now messaged saying that she is refusing any contact from now on with DSS (13) which coincides nicely with the wedding. She is now threatening court and mediation and asking for huge sums of money for this which we currently don't have.

Has anyone else experienced this type of behaviour from an ex? I am trying very hard to remain sanguine but underneath I am very upset about how she is making this all about her.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 19/03/2023 22:14

What's the current arrangement and is there a court order in place? If you're asking to have DSS during her time there's not really much you can do if she says no. Yes, it's petty and she's clearly just trying to be difficult but you'd be better just arranging wedding stuff for the days you already have him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/03/2023 22:17

Does he want to be involved? He’s presumably got a phone and is in touch with his dad. If his siblings are happily involved he’s quite old for his mum to be kicking off about stopping contact when a court would let him decide.

Livinghappy · 19/03/2023 22:18

At 13 it is you dss's choice.
How is she asking for money? Would the older children step in?

Ultimately she will lose respect of her child if she prevents him from attending the wedding. How recent was the split?

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 22:21

We have an arrangement where DP sees the kids weekly, on a weekday as she won't allow more. We have avoided court for a few years but are more than likely headed that way.

They want to see him more, we live close by but she will physically prevent them from leaving the house (including the 18 year old) and will throw them out if they disobey her.

We frequently find out they are on the street at midnight because she has chucked them out in a fit of fury, only to let them in a few days later. We are occasionally allowed them overnight in these circumstances but she will turn up and 'save' them at odd hours.

Yes, she is unhinged, rich and generally unpleasant

OP posts:
Original poster
NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 22:24

@Livinghappy they split up 3.5 years ago.

She texts and asks for money

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 19/03/2023 22:24

You need to get the court involved. When she throws them out of the house, where do they go to? She's making herself look absolutely pathetic. I really feel for her children.

knittingaddict · 19/03/2023 22:26

If she's rich why does she want money from your partner?

knittingaddict · 19/03/2023 22:27

I'm also amazed that your partner hasn't taken her to court for proper contact arrangements. Possibly a bit late now given their ages.

HelloBunny · 19/03/2023 22:29

I’d be inclined to leave this guy, his ex & his kids to it... But, that’s just me!

justasking111 · 19/03/2023 22:31

Just make sure they know that when she throws them out they have a bed at your place

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 22:31

@knittingaddict because she knows that by asking for money, it will cause undue stress to us. We are the opposite of rich, and she knows it.

We pay CMS and split other expenses such as birthdays and Christmas

OP posts:
Laurdo · 19/03/2023 22:36

Urgh, honestly I hate when people say the mother won't "allow" certain things. That's bullshit. The father has as much right as the mother to see his kids. It's not for her to dictate how often and when and it's pathetic than some men just bow down to this shit instead of fighting for their kids.

If she threatens to throw them out why don't they just come to you to stay? What's she going to do? Break on and steal them back?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/03/2023 22:40

We frequently find out they are on the street at midnight because she has chucked them out in a fit of fury, only to let them in a few days later.

Sorry, what? They live near to you and their other parent and are staying on the street until midnight instead of coming over? Where are they between midnight on kicking out day and a few days later when she lets them back in? It’s not making much sense. They’re adults or near adults and they’re not just going to dad’s, either temporarily or full time. Why?

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 22:56

@AnneLovesGilbert sorry, should have been clearer. A bit frazzled and not making absolute sense.

We will find out because DSS will call us if he has smuggled his mobile out or he will turn up at the door.

The older one went to his girlfriend's this week because he was thrown out for lighting a candle in the wrong room and dripped a bit of candle wax on a carpet. That was 5 days. His phone was broken so we bought him a replacement yesterday.

Both have been told to just come over if this happens again.

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 19/03/2023 22:59

“We frequently find out they are on the street at midnight because she has chucked them out in a fit of fury”

^ sounds abusive to me. Can the older ones just move in with dad? Does she throw the younger one out too?

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 23:01

@Laurdo She turns up, bangs on the door so loudly it's either the police, the bailiffs or her (only her thus far!) and sends pages and pages of abusive texts.

What fun!

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 19/03/2023 23:03

surely you just ignore her.

have a lovely wedding.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 23:04

@Weallgottachangesometime the older teen and the younger teen are subject to either over-demonstrative love-bombing or the opposite.

The much older one lives far away and is luckily not the ex's. He is awesome and we get on like a thatched roof on fire.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 19/03/2023 23:09

The much older one lives far away and is luckily not the ex's.

So when you say she throws "them" out on the street, you do mean the 13yo as well?

Why on earth is your partner not doing something about that?

Not having contact for wedding planning is surely the least of the worries here?

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 19/03/2023 23:15

@excelledyourself yes, but we are sadly well versed in her behaviour but are seemingly unable to change anything.

And yes, we have been in contact with all relevant parties. It's complex, but the wedding has seemingly flipped a switch and she has ramped up the gears somewhat.

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 19/03/2023 23:18

I agree that the wedding is the least of concerns. She’s abusive to the 13 year old.
Next time the 13 year old calls and said she has locked him out of his home at midnight call the police and ask them to pop by and do a welfare on him.

justasking111 · 19/03/2023 23:19

Do what my friend did, if she comes round banging on the door. Call the police!!

Guavafish1 · 20/03/2023 04:24

At 13, you'll just have to bide your time. There not much you can do.

Why she asking for money? If she is causing this much trouble, it might be best for the youngest step child not to attend.

Fluffodils · 20/03/2023 06:16

There's a lot going on here.

  1. Has dad considered getting social services involved?
  2. Try to seperate this from your wedding in any way in your mind. Carry on with your plans. Assume 13 year old won't be there. Yes that will be rubbish and your partner might be upset. But you both need to accept the reality of the situation is that they might not be there. Don't let that stop you.
MarshaBradyo · 20/03/2023 06:31

Weallgottachangesometime · 19/03/2023 23:18

I agree that the wedding is the least of concerns. She’s abusive to the 13 year old.
Next time the 13 year old calls and said she has locked him out of his home at midnight call the police and ask them to pop by and do a welfare on him.

Agree with pp what you’re saying re the 13 year old, and other ages, sounds very concerning.