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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is this normal on Mother's Day?

64 replies

Franxx68 · 19/03/2023 10:27

I have a lovely DSD 8, and have been in her life since she was 4. Every year for Mother's Day I or her Dad will help her make / buy a card and a small gift for her mother as she's obviously too young to do this herself. Which is fine & lovely and I don't think anything of it.

However this year, my partner is taking his DD & her mother for an afternoon tea as he thought it would be nice for them both. I wasn't invited & currently soon to be sat at home alone. Their coparenting relationship has been rocky from the start, but recently things have improved massively (not sure how or why etc). This has been great for lots of reasons, but today I'm just not sure if this is normal or how comfortable I feel with it. Even my DSD seemed a tad confused, I just don't know how to feel about this.

Any advice please?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

redtshirt50 · 19/03/2023 10:30

I think this is very normal and definitely not something to feel uncomfortable about. But it's also okay for you to feel a bit down about it.

No one likes to be sat at home alone while the rest of your family is off doing something fun.

Can you plan something nice for you and DSD to do together when you next have her?

WinterMusings · 19/03/2023 10:30

I wouldn't mind him paying for it, fits them both, but there's absolutely no need for him to go as well.

Has he done anything nice for you? I'm sure you do a lot for his DD.

ImAvingOops · 19/03/2023 10:47

I think it's weird. He should have paid for it as that's a nice gesture, but let his dd go with just her mum.

Illbeready · 19/03/2023 10:49

I also think it's strange he is going. I would never expect my ex to tag a long to a Mother's Day outing.

Tribute219 · 19/03/2023 10:52

Agree, I'd be happy for him to arrange and pay but no reason to go along at all.
I'd also hope that in the same situation, the reasons for the better co-parenting relationship would have been discussed. My boyfriend is very open about both positive and negative situations with his ex and my DSD. You've been together a long time so seems odd this isn't talked about.

hennybeans · 19/03/2023 10:55

Yeah, it would be very kind of him to pay for the two of them to have afternoon tea together. It’s weird that he’s tagging along. He should have paid for them to go alone and then taken you out for lunch to say thank you for your efforts re dsd. I would have a conversation with him when he gets home about how that’s made you feel.

Hooklander · 19/03/2023 10:55

Weird.

And if I were the mum in that scenario, I'd hate my Ex inserting himself into the occasion. And I'd think him even more of a twat for leaving his girlfriend/partner at home on her own. And I'd be thankful (again) that I wasn't with him any more.

aSofaNearYou · 19/03/2023 10:56

I don't think it's on that he did this without asking you how you felt about it, it shows a disregard for you.

And I don't really see why he needs to be there either way, he could have paid for the two of them to go.

RobinRobinMouse · 19/03/2023 10:57

Agree with others, it is a bit odd and really he should just be paying (though I'd still suggest that's fairly generous.) I suppose though she is the mother of his child and perhaps dd wanted him there.

Darhon · 19/03/2023 10:59

redtshirt50 · 19/03/2023 10:30

I think this is very normal and definitely not something to feel uncomfortable about. But it's also okay for you to feel a bit down about it.

No one likes to be sat at home alone while the rest of your family is off doing something fun.

Can you plan something nice for you and DSD to do together when you next have her?

It’s not normal to go along. Not at all.

Spudina · 19/03/2023 10:59

That is weird. I’d be bummed about that too. Has he done anything to thank you for being a stepmum?

Honeyroar · 19/03/2023 11:03

No I don’t think it’s normal. It’s too much. Unless the child was having problems with his mum and needed moral support.

We’ve always reminded my stepson when he was younger, and checked he had card/present in place, but his ex’s new husband or mother helped arrange her presents etc. We would alway swap weekends so he could be with her on Mother’s Day too (sadly she never returned the favour for Father’s Day, but that’s another story). As he got older he did everything himself and started buying me a card too. I’ve always said he didn’t need to, I’m not his mum, but he says I played a big role in his upbringing too.

Kitcaterpillar · 19/03/2023 11:06

I think it's nice. It'll be nice for their daughter to see them being friends.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/03/2023 11:08

Not normal. And confusing as hell for the child. I wouldn’t be happy about it at all.

AnotherCountryMummy · 19/03/2023 11:15

Absolutely not normal! He should be taking you out to celebrate you be a stepmother to her for so long! You three are the family.

I'd have no problem with him arranging and paying for the tea for them. But absolutely not attend.

PeterRabbitIsNotHere · 19/03/2023 11:21

Not normal, not good for your relationship and confusing for the child. Has he thanked you and showed appreciation to you for being her step mum?
I would suggest there is something else going on and would be very unhappy.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 19/03/2023 11:23

No it is not normal at all.

HalliwellManor · 19/03/2023 11:24

Is there any chance they could have 'reconciled' if their relationship has suddenly improved and now he wants to spend time with his ex?
That would be my first thought,but then again I have a suspicious mind.
It just seems a bit off to me,especially leaving you at home alone to go.

Shmithecat2 · 19/03/2023 11:25

ImAvingOops · 19/03/2023 10:47

I think it's weird. He should have paid for it as that's a nice gesture, but let his dd go with just her mum.

This. It's weird.

Shmithecat2 · 19/03/2023 11:26

HalliwellManor · 19/03/2023 11:24

It was the first thing that I thought too...

AmandaHoldensLips · 19/03/2023 11:27

I think it's great that he can have a good co-parenting relationship with the mother of his child. That includes being able to go out with her and their child.

It's actually a very rare thing.

Please try not to take it personally.

gettingoldisshit · 19/03/2023 11:28

No its not normal! Nothing wrong with him organising/paying for it but absolutely no reason for him to go!

Floofydawg · 19/03/2023 11:29

Nope, not normal.

Vastula · 19/03/2023 11:29

Not normal at all.

Ihatethenewlook · 19/03/2023 11:31

I think it’s great their relationship has improved to the point that they can spend the odd occasion together with their daughter. She’s not young enough to be ‘confused’ as pp has suggested, you’ve been together for half of her life (the half she can remember as well). It must be lovely for her. I’m sure this was done for the daughters benefit far more than her mothers. Are you worried about them being together?

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