Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Is this normal on Mother's Day?

64 replies

Franxx68 · 19/03/2023 10:27

I have a lovely DSD 8, and have been in her life since she was 4. Every year for Mother's Day I or her Dad will help her make / buy a card and a small gift for her mother as she's obviously too young to do this herself. Which is fine & lovely and I don't think anything of it.

However this year, my partner is taking his DD & her mother for an afternoon tea as he thought it would be nice for them both. I wasn't invited & currently soon to be sat at home alone. Their coparenting relationship has been rocky from the start, but recently things have improved massively (not sure how or why etc). This has been great for lots of reasons, but today I'm just not sure if this is normal or how comfortable I feel with it. Even my DSD seemed a tad confused, I just don't know how to feel about this.

Any advice please?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Autienotnautie · 19/03/2023 17:18

Paying for it is a lovely gesture. Going with them is strange. He's not her partner.

smellyflowers · 19/03/2023 17:20

Really weird. Especially as DSC was also confused by it.

iaapap · 19/03/2023 17:27

Hmmmm

not sure

i agree with a pp that he could have paid and sent dd out with xdw

I’m wondering if they had tension/difficulty in their marriage due to him being a bit shit, now you have made him less shit, he is more attractive to ex?

what was the cause of their split? Him neglecting her? Either having an affair?

ijustneedanamefgs · 19/03/2023 18:21

No I wouldn’t be ok with this. You say your dsd is already confused by it. Is this what they are going to start doing now? It’s a weird thing to start after not doing it before. A good co parent relationship is to be encouraged, but at the very least he should have invited you with them.

BanditsGravyStain · 19/03/2023 18:32

Well I suppose is what’s normal for your situation. This is out of the norm so I understand why you’re feeling like you are. Do you know why there has been a sudden change in their ability to co-parent? It’s very unusual for ex’s who don’t get along to suddenly start going out for family meals together.

SemperIdem · 19/03/2023 20:36

Have you not asked what has caused the recent improvement in Co-parenting relations?

mumyes · 19/03/2023 20:51

I think it's a lovely thing for him to do. Shows his DD a bit of normality, and shows he has respect for the mum of his child.

Shmithecat2 · 19/03/2023 21:34

mumyes · 19/03/2023 20:51

I think it's a lovely thing for him to do. Shows his DD a bit of normality, and shows he has respect for the mum of his child.

It's not normality though. Not for dd anyway - her parents aren't together anymore and all it will do is give her false hope. She's 8, not 18.

harryclr · 25/03/2023 23:05

Absolutely not - definitely weird

Caramia23 · 26/03/2023 18:55

Totally not normal & extremely unfair on the child who is at an age where the definition of family needs to be quite explicit or confusion ensues.
I'd also be very wary of the fact that this wasn't discussed with you, nor was the improvement in relations.
You're being deliberately excluded and if I were you I would want to know why.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/03/2023 07:30

Mari9999 · 19/03/2023 15:43

I think that what is particularly sad is that so many people seem to think that children seeing the parents sharing a peaceful meal with them would find that confusing . It just speaks to the fact, that people think that children are expected to adjust to acrimony and dysfunction as the norm but are assumed to find a simple social amenity confusing.

In no other situation would it be considered odd or inappropriate to share a meal with the person who has given you that which you consider to be the most precious in your life. In any other situation , you would be applauded for your thoughtfulness and there would be no suggestions of disrespect or hidden agendas. No one would that you secretly desire this person or that you were doing anything but expressing gratitude.

This.

Its perfectly normal. They are still a family and its good for the kids to see them getting along.

Thelifeofawife · 27/03/2023 20:36

This is not normal.

I have a great co-parenting relationship with my ex but we don’t do things together unless it’s for our DC (attending a birthday meal or school event).

Similar with my DH, he doesn’t have a particularly good relationship with his ex but they spend time together for their DC birthday/school events.

There’s no way my DH would do something for his ex on Mother’s Day (apart from getting cards/gifts) as he would be making the effort to do something for me as stepmum to his child, and visiting his own mum.
Equally I wouldn’t leave him on Father’s Day to do something with my ex.

You need to get to the bottom of how their relationship has improved recently, and why he felt it appropriate to ditch you, his DD stepmum, on Mother’s Day, in favour of taking his ex out.

Also to add, this would have been extremely confusing for his DD, who I guarantee will now see you as an obstacle to her parents getting back together and it will cause all sorts of drama

Caramia23 · 28/03/2023 07:44

It just speaks to the fact, that people think that children are expected to adjust to acrimony and dysfunction as the norm but are assumed to find a simple social amenity confusing.

No one is saying kids should have to witness or adjust to acrimony and dysfunction as the norm!
I am neither acrimonious or dysfunctional with my exh but when our dd was small there was no way we would have re-enacted intimate family scenarios with her as she would have found it confusing and upsetting.

There's a lot of people on here who assume children thrive when parents are over familiar with each other but they actually don't. Children thrive best with boundaries and yes, parents who can be civil to each other and work together to co parent (not parent) successfully.

Caramia23 · 28/03/2023 07:44

Also to add, this would have been extremely confusing for his DD, who I guarantee will now see you as an obstacle to her parents getting back together and it will cause all sorts of drama

And this!

Flip

1 2 3