Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Is this normal on Mother's Day?

64 replies

Franxx68 · 19/03/2023 10:27

I have a lovely DSD 8, and have been in her life since she was 4. Every year for Mother's Day I or her Dad will help her make / buy a card and a small gift for her mother as she's obviously too young to do this herself. Which is fine & lovely and I don't think anything of it.

However this year, my partner is taking his DD & her mother for an afternoon tea as he thought it would be nice for them both. I wasn't invited & currently soon to be sat at home alone. Their coparenting relationship has been rocky from the start, but recently things have improved massively (not sure how or why etc). This has been great for lots of reasons, but today I'm just not sure if this is normal or how comfortable I feel with it. Even my DSD seemed a tad confused, I just don't know how to feel about this.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
rainbowstardrops · 19/03/2023 11:37

I'd be wondering how/why their co-parenting relationship has suddenly improved too! Absolutely fine to pay for it but I wouldn't be happy with him tagging along as well. Weird.

Momo18 · 19/03/2023 11:38

I think it's strange, but I also get he maybe wants to show the mother of his child some appreciation. Has he done anything to treat you as a step Mum?

SquidwardBound · 19/03/2023 11:40

I’m not sure it will be a great thing. My suspicion is that playing happy families on Mother’s Day is likely to create some hope in the DD that her parents will reconcile.

It would be better to pay for it and let DSD have a nice time with her mother.

SquidwardBound · 19/03/2023 11:43

Ihatethenewlook · 19/03/2023 11:31

I think it’s great their relationship has improved to the point that they can spend the odd occasion together with their daughter. She’s not young enough to be ‘confused’ as pp has suggested, you’ve been together for half of her life (the half she can remember as well). It must be lovely for her. I’m sure this was done for the daughters benefit far more than her mothers. Are you worried about them being together?

At 8, she is exactly the right age to recognise an improvement in relations and interpret a special family event just the three of them (without SM) to mean that she might get her family back together.

Fantasies of their parents getting back together are really normal for children with divorced parents.

PetitPorpoise · 19/03/2023 11:57

Is it maybe that it's a prosecco type of afternoon tea so he is there to drive them both and allow her to have an alcoholic drink?

Is the daughter a handful whereby taking her out for this sort of thing by herself would have been more hassle for the mum than it's worth?

lunar1 · 19/03/2023 11:58

I don't think there is anything wrong with it if it's the norm. But it's very odd for the child to suddenly have this introduced, with no conversation, no explanation etc, it could lead to a very confused child.

pinkfondu · 19/03/2023 12:01

For some people it's normal, for most it's not. Is he trying extra hard to make things nicer for his daughter and gone too much tge otger way?

Beamur · 19/03/2023 12:03

I wouldn't be happy either.
Mother's Day is for the child and the mother. Nice for them both if her ex facilitates it, not necessary (or appropriate) for him to attend.
Very confusing for the child. At 8 this totally would give her false hope of her family getting back together.
How long have they been split? I think that the improvement in co parenting might may me think this was a bit suss too.

Chewbecca · 19/03/2023 12:05

I know DH wouldn't have ever wanted to join his children's mothering Sunday celebrations with his exW.

Obviously we are all different though.

Btw, I do not think it is necessary to acknowledge step mums on MS as several posters have suggested, so that would be totally normal for me.

vivainsomnia · 19/03/2023 13:40

Definitely not normal. Can understand it possibly for child's birthday but mother's day makes no sense.

kitsuneghost · 19/03/2023 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Skyeheather · 19/03/2023 14:37

Buying and paying for the gift is normal, taking part in it is not. DP used to help DSD hide her gift in her room to give to her DM on the day if it wasn't his weekend.

There is no need for him to attend, all he had to do was book, pay and help craft a homemade invitation. Even if it was afternoon tea for 2 I'm sure the venue could have adapted it for one adult and one DD.

Daisydu · 19/03/2023 14:38

Nope not normal and absolutely unnecessary. Great they are co parenting better, absolutely help with gift buying yes.. but no that’s not on. You feel uncomfortable about it so you need to say something. That’s got to be so confusing for the child also! Seeing as his dd has been told about it already I’d probably keep quiet till it’s done, then I’d be saying to my dp that made me feel uncomfortable and don’t do that again. It’s perfectly ok o have boundaries, even though mumsnet will often say different!

Aftjbtibg · 19/03/2023 14:42

I wouldn’t be happy to be honest; it would feel odd and blurring of boundaries.

MeridianB · 19/03/2023 14:57

Another voice saying not normal. It’s a very odd thing for him to choose to do.

Great that he helps his DD get cards and gifts etc but there was no need for him to go to this tea. Arranging/paying would have been very generous.

Have you told him how you feel about it or asked any questions?

MeridianB · 19/03/2023 14:59

Their coparenting relationship has been rocky from the start, but recently things have improved massively (not sure how or why etc)

Might be helpful to unpack this a little.

Mari9999 · 19/03/2023 15:43

I think that what is particularly sad is that so many people seem to think that children seeing the parents sharing a peaceful meal with them would find that confusing . It just speaks to the fact, that people think that children are expected to adjust to acrimony and dysfunction as the norm but are assumed to find a simple social amenity confusing.

In no other situation would it be considered odd or inappropriate to share a meal with the person who has given you that which you consider to be the most precious in your life. In any other situation , you would be applauded for your thoughtfulness and there would be no suggestions of disrespect or hidden agendas. No one would that you secretly desire this person or that you were doing anything but expressing gratitude.

aSofaNearYou · 19/03/2023 15:46

Mari9999 · 19/03/2023 15:43

I think that what is particularly sad is that so many people seem to think that children seeing the parents sharing a peaceful meal with them would find that confusing . It just speaks to the fact, that people think that children are expected to adjust to acrimony and dysfunction as the norm but are assumed to find a simple social amenity confusing.

In no other situation would it be considered odd or inappropriate to share a meal with the person who has given you that which you consider to be the most precious in your life. In any other situation , you would be applauded for your thoughtfulness and there would be no suggestions of disrespect or hidden agendas. No one would that you secretly desire this person or that you were doing anything but expressing gratitude.

Well it comes from the fact that many children do desperately want their parents back together and read into instances of them interacting positively. It gets their hopes up.

Irridescantshimmmer · 19/03/2023 15:51

Rather than feeling down, why don't you ask him whats he/they are doing for you the day after?

"As all mothers are equal, some mothers are not more equal than others"

....quoting George Orwell but slightly edited by me.

SquidwardBound · 19/03/2023 15:56

aSofaNearYou · 19/03/2023 15:46

Well it comes from the fact that many children do desperately want their parents back together and read into instances of them interacting positively. It gets their hopes up.

Show quote history

Yes. Rather than sad broken people who are too dysfunctional to be anything but pitied, it’s actually people thinking about how it feels from a child’s perspective. It is so common that children, even years after a split, hope their parents will get back together.

In most cases, the healthier thing would be to do things as a group - including any stepparents. That helps keep a clear sense of how things are for the child in ways that a special Mother’s Day with just mummy and daddy simply doesn’t.

Although arguably Mother’s Day is not the occasion for a big group family thing.

Lovelynondriver · 19/03/2023 15:59

When my dad did this for me and my mum on mothers day (i was about 9!)...., I prayed and prayed in the hope they'd get back together and we'd be a happy family again.

Findyourneutralspace · 19/03/2023 16:02

I invite my DS’ dad along to things sometimes. We get on fine these days and DS enjoys it when we are are all together.
Stepmum is happy with it but she grew up in a similar set up, so encourages the two households to get along. She comes too if she’s free. I realise we’re the exception rather than the norm.

SquidwardBound · 19/03/2023 16:05

Lovelynondriver · 19/03/2023 15:59

When my dad did this for me and my mum on mothers day (i was about 9!)...., I prayed and prayed in the hope they'd get back together and we'd be a happy family again.

Of course you did. Many (possibly most) children in the same situation would. The fact is out of the ordinary is something that would fee significant to a child that age.

It’s totally different if they’ve always gotten on and days out with them both have been something you’d always known. There’s nothing to raise your hopes. Or if all the adults are invited, because then it’s clear nothing is changing.

But, out of seemingly nowhere, your parents who seemed to hate each other getting on and going for a nice Mother’s Day together with you - without their partners - is going to feel significant to a child in unhelpful ways.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for children is maintain clear boundaries, so they don’t end up more disappointed and hurt.

BarrelOfOtters · 19/03/2023 16:08

My DH has, as usual, invited his mum and his ex round for tea….I do sometimes wonder why the , now grown up kids, don’t just take their mother out….

but it’s better they get on ….

QuackMooBaaOink · 19/03/2023 16:26

I think him paying for his daughter and her mum to go would have been a lovely gesture, or all of you going (depending on the relationship between you and her obvs) but for him to go along with the 2 of them definitely sends a confusing message to his daughter and seems totally unnecessary.