Dating a guy with a child - red flags?

[datingred]

This is a bit of a random post but I have a date with a guy planned who has a 5 year old son. I've never dated a man with children before - I never even consider them usually. I'm getting older now though (36) and I realise I'm probably limiting my dating pool if I refuse to even consider men with children (well, ideally just one child as in this situation!) I want my own children but I also realise that might not happen for me so I'm more open to considering men with children as it would be nice to (many years into the future, in any serious long term relationship that might occur!) have a child/children in my life.

So. Back to the question.

I've read lots of posts on here about problems that arise in step parenting so I was just wondering if there are any red flags in relation to this specifically that I should look out for at this early stage so I don't get myself into a tricky situation. Any questions to ask?

I'm thinking the obvious thing I would need to clarify is what the relationship with the ex is like and it'll be a red flag if he's really negative about her/they have a fractious relationship. Also if it's a new break up - haven't clarified this point as to how long he's been single.. Any other ideas?

I do want children of my own and he wants more children too so at least I've got that one out of the way!

TIA for any help/thoughts.

Would I be correct in thinking you have never even met this man??!

but I have a date with a guy planned who has a 5 year old son.

good grief

you haven’t even met the man.

Quite honestly, it’s him that should be on guard

I don't think there is anything wrong with thinking ahead.

I definitely think that if he's immediately very negative about her it's a red flag. Because he could be exaggerating and is happy to badmouth the mother of his child to someone he has known 5 minutes, or it's true and it's better not to get involved!

I would look for real investment in his relationship with his child, including knowing him well, good discipline, supporting the mother, and no "disney dad" behaviour

I agree with this.

How quickly people say 'you should have know what you got into' but then when someone asks about what it is that they might be getting into they're told they're weird!

Red flags:

• speaking critically about his ex
• recent break-up
• no set contact schedule. If it is set, does he have time off without his child so you could have a normal dating period?
• no routine or boundaries when parenting. Things like co-sleeping, no bedtime or being a Disney dad
• rushing to introduce you to his child too soon
• being too involved with his ex - does he do her DIY, ‘family’ days out, invite her to his family’s functions, spend time at her house; and does that bother you?
• financial solvency - can he afford to support himself and his child without your input?

Good luck!

Nothing at all wrong with this question. I doubt anyone would question someone new to dating if they asked what red flags to look out for. OP is new to dating men with children, so what's the difference in asking what she should look out for?

Crazy ex talk, none stop chat about his child,
or low contact with his child, would all be red flags for me.

Its too soon to decide if you want to have his babies. Meet him first.

Thanks for the helpful comments. I'm not sure why @Lovelyveg82 has an issue with someone asking for advice from people with experience of something they don't have..? As I've said in my post, I've never dated a man with children before, I have rejected advances in those situations before, but now I'm considering it (with this guy specifically, and, perhaps in future with other men) it seems sensible to be aware of what issues could arise so I'm going in to things with my eyes open.. I'm not assuming I'll end up with this guy!

Very well put! All of these 👏🏻

I want my own children but I also realise that might not happen for me so I'm more open to considering men with children as it would be nice to (many years into the future, in any serious long term relationship that might occur!) have a child/children in my life.

This is worth unpicking irrespective of how things go with this man.

I have my own now too but it was a nightmare getting there and I had to strongly consider the possibility I wouldn’t get to be a mum but would be living a family type life with all the highs, low and considerable sacrifices that brings.

Life heavily impacted by a schedule you don’t get to decide, the costs of a larger house than I’d otherwise have needed, in an area I wouldn’t have chosen but the ex moved so we had to, the costs of children in general, school holiday restrictions and etc etc etc.

Then you add a child of your own to the mix and realise the things you won’t get to control about their lives because they have older half siblings.

Just stuff to think about.

Funny how people are critical yet if you complain in a years time you’ll be told you knew what you were getting into.
I would want there to be clear schedule and boundaries around contact - yes flexibility is good but when people don’t have a clear schedule it can make life really difficult and if there aren’t any boundaries with the ex then I’d run away.
I also agree that him rushing you to meet his child too soon is a red flag and obviously you’d want him to speak about his ex respectfully.

@Vastula's post nailed it, tbh.
I just wanted to emphasise the second point though about whether it was a recent break up. I had my fingers burnt a couple of time when I was doing OLD by men with small children who had recently (like a few months) split up with the mothers of their children. They didn't have their living arrangements sorted, or a stable routine with their children and exes. The prospect of being single again after a few years of marriage and parenthood was very exciting and they jumped too soon into dating. They might say they're looking for a long term relationship but really they just want to date and have fun.

I also agree with @AnneLovesGilbert that you need to seriously consider the reality of being a step mum. A friend of mine was in a relationship with a guy with kids all through her 30s. She gave up time, money and care to look after those kids, but when she broke up with their dad, she never saw them again. And by that point, she felt she was too old to have children of her own.

I'm not saying never date a man with children (as a result of my OLD, I've ended up with a lovely child-free man who has a great relationship with my DS. He'd given up on having kids but is very pleased to have ended up with an almost step-child!) just be aware of what you might be getting into...

Agree barring co-sleeping.

Three of mine didn't, one still occasionally does at 7. Different children need different levels of reassurance, particularly when they have went through a divorce while young.

Maybe see how it goes for a few dates first? Dont rock up asking or thinking about future issues. Just general chat at first. After a few meetings if all well,maybe ask about his schedule. How often he has his Son and so on.

Here were the things that should have been red flags for me:
One of the first things I was told was how his ex wife beat him up, stole his money, lied, was verbally abusive, not fit to be a mother, abused the kids, lazy, etc etc, the list went on and on. It was the first thing he told anyone he met, very strange behaviour. It was him who was all of those things. He went on to tell the next woman in his life the same about me.

He found any reason not to pay child maintenance, any reason at all. From, she was a gambling addict, her boyfriend was a drug addict, she didn't spend the money on the kids, to how he was putting money in to a savings account for them. He was very keen to share this during the early dating days too.

He wanted me to meet his kids very early on and was keen for me to "parent" them.

Then later on it became apparent his whole family spoke very badly of his ex wife in front of the kids, basically ending up with the kids hating their mum and then hating him too because he was vile to them. Unfortunately I was unexpectedly pregnant by that point and I was stuck with him for four very long years.

It depends on the age of the child/children and also if they still oay child maintenance towards them even they of "age". I personally wouldnt date a man with young kids because they are ethier still up the mothers arse or they are not involved in the child's life

*pay

I met my partner's children very quickly - about the third date. I was glad to meet them. It was clear to me that our relationship would not have progressed if the children hadn't liked me and I hadn't liked the children.

He was separated but still living under the same roof as his former partner because of a house sale that had fallen through. It was clearly a messy and painful breakup, although he did not immediately go into details

That was about twenty-eight years ago. We've stayed together. I have a close relationship with my two stepchildren and we also have a joint child who is now twenty five.

Red flag for me would be: he has a child already.

Having to parent the child.
Meeting child too soon.
Him not having dedicated child time and putting his child first.

I wouldn't say you're narrowing your dating pool that much by avoiding parents, lots of single childless men in their thirties. Fourties perhaps less so.

Anyway, some good red flags mentioned here - I'd also look out for any indication he expects you to take on childcare, lack of empathy for anything his situation costs you, or lording it over you that you "just don't get it because you don't have kids"

What a horrid post

nothing wrong with Op’s question - why waste your time on dates with people that won’t go anywhere

Thank you for all the advice and kind comments - I appreciate it.

I guess I already know that any man who's really negative about his ex is probably a red flag ha, it'll be difficult to know how kind/polite he needs to be about her though as you'd normally not hear that on dates either. I guess this is one of those things to be considered as PPs have said - don't want him to be too attached to her still either! I guess some of these things to look out for will come our naturally in conversation and others will only be apparent after a few more dates (with him or with anyone who has kids)

@AnneLovesGilbert also makes some good points - I guess this is something to consider if it goes anywhere...

@LaGiaconda that's interesting - I'm well aware of the general consensus that you shouldn't introduce a new partner to children quickly and I agree with that but I also think how awful it must be if you date for say 6 months to a year and are crazy about them then get introduced and don't get on with the children or vice versa... It seems better to know that sooner rather than later! Tricky old business..

You never know, he might be a perfect dad but just put me off with the usual red flags like the men without children 😂