Dating a guy with a child - red flags?

[datingred]

This is a bit of a random post but I have a date with a guy planned who has a 5 year old son. I've never dated a man with children before - I never even consider them usually. I'm getting older now though (36) and I realise I'm probably limiting my dating pool if I refuse to even consider men with children (well, ideally just one child as in this situation!) I want my own children but I also realise that might not happen for me so I'm more open to considering men with children as it would be nice to (many years into the future, in any serious long term relationship that might occur!) have a child/children in my life.

So. Back to the question.

I've read lots of posts on here about problems that arise in step parenting so I was just wondering if there are any red flags in relation to this specifically that I should look out for at this early stage so I don't get myself into a tricky situation. Any questions to ask?

I'm thinking the obvious thing I would need to clarify is what the relationship with the ex is like and it'll be a red flag if he's really negative about her/they have a fractious relationship. Also if it's a new break up - haven't clarified this point as to how long he's been single.. Any other ideas?

I do want children of my own and he wants more children too so at least I've got that one out of the way!

TIA for any help/thoughts.

I don't think speaking negatively about the ex is always a red flag. Maybe if he brings it up straight away and harps on and on about her.

My DH was a walking string of red flags according to some peoples standards, but actually turned out to be the nicest guy ever and a wonder father.

What if his ex genuinely is horrid? Is he supposed to pretend like she's not. My DH was a victim of domestic violence. His ex is an evil twisted cow. Everything he told me about her when we first started dating was spot on.

He did however not mention her until I asked. His kids have 2 different mums and he had nothing but praise for the other mum. Again 2 mum's coupd be seen as a red flag but he had a child at 18 so I wasn't about the judge him on something that happened when he was a teen.

You've been given some good advice. It really depends on a lot of factors.

I'd want to know how often he has his child. EOWE might be ideal in terms of you having time with him but I'd seriously question any man who was happy to see his child so little, especially if you'd like your own children.

Is the scheduled formal? If it's just a verbal agreement then there's potential that there'll be issues, especially when mum finds out he has a new partner. Although, if he claims they are on good terms and she's a good person then that might not be as concerning.

Does the ex call the shots. If he mentions anything about "not being allowed" to do anything in regards to his son it shows his ex exerts control over him and he allows it. I'd expect a decent father to have his own routines and boundaries with his child.

How does he manage childcare and work? You don't want to get into a situation where you're treated like a maid or nanny.

Controversial, but a man who says his kids come first no matter what would be a red flag for me. Yes, absolutely kids should be a priority but I don't believe the whole world should revolve around them and I actually think it's quite damaging for kids to think that everything should be dropped for their wants. You need to be a priority also.

I was never interested in dating men with kids. Heard too many horror stories and didn't like the idea of having someone ex in my life. But sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with and I can honestly say that meeting my DH and being a SM is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Odd comment

Don't be silly, we're step mums so by default wrong.

We should also not get into a relationship with a guy unless we love kids as our own but also not meet them for 18 months. I've never been sure how that is meant to work.

I would say main red flag at this stage is any stories about mum not letting him see his kids or being mental.

But honestly, don't over think it. Loads of guys that don't have kids are toxic. Just trust your gut.

Don’t be horrible. Her concerns are totally valid. I have a son and two stepchildren, I love them all and we are years down the line now , everyone is great, but it’s not a date to go on lightly and there can be hiccups. Having a date planned doesn’t mean she doesn’t know him? She might work with him etc . Why is it that when people come on here with nervous questions, everyone has a pop at them?

Agree with this . DH very present in kids lives (they are adult now) - saw them 2 x per week for overnights, he voluntarily paid proper maintenance, did tend towards Disney dad occasionally but trained him out of it ha ha. Has been a wonderful stepdad to DS . He stepped up in crises to support exW as well and she and I get on well

@Vastula I'm not sure you can call Co-sleeping or having no concrete bedtime as having 'no boundaries'. There are many reasons why a child may co-sleep (obviously not when there's a partner there!) such as special needs. Which can also cause issues with bedtimes.

I have a child with ASD who, due to factors I won’t go into, is still terrified of sleeping in a room alone. She also has prescribed medication to get her to sleep as due to her Autism, she cannot wind down. Don't be so judgemental!

@datingred but I also think how awful it must be if you date for say 6 months to a year and are crazy about them then get introduced and don't get on with the children or vice versa... It seems better to know that sooner rather than later!

That 6 months 'rule' isn't about what is best for you though, it's about what is best for the child! It's not healthy nor safe for them to be introduced to new people the parent barely knows.
This is also a very accurate example of step parenting/dating someone with kids - things no longer being about what suits you, but always being about what is best for the child....

Absolutely this! It’s not about what’s best for you and as soon as you have a child or are involved with children, that’s the norm!!

It’s not about what’s best for you and as soon as you have a child or are involved with children, that’s the norm

This attitude is a red flag. As a non parent you are allowed to put your own wellbeing first and should not be guilt tripped for doing so.

The men that are very quick to harp on that ‘my kids come first’ I’ve never felt it was necessary for a parent to need to say this. I’ve always felt that it really should go without saying, of course the kids come first & most sensible people understand that children come first & foremost. For any parent I think their kids are the most important thing in their life & it shouldn’t need an explanation. But the men I’ve known who are determined to make this into a personality / catchphrase are either
bullshitters that think it will impress you - but really they themselves come first, then work, then mates, then finally their kids

or

setting your expectations low from the start, ie ‘my kids are first & you will always be last’ it’s like a get out of jail free card for never prioritising the relationship in any way whatsoever & being able to say ‘I did make it clear from the beginning’. This is the guy who will cancel multiple dates with you because he forgot it was ‘his’ weekend & expects you to be fine about it - and if you complain about his total crapness then obviously it means you just hate his kids because you’re a terrible person, the guy who expects you to be skivvy nanny & housemaid to facilitate his ‘quality time’ with his kids, which apparently means not much parenting on his part.

I don't think being negative about an ex is necessarily a red flag. I was in a relationship with a guy once who told me he & his ex got on fine. They didn't - she was a terror and really upended our relationship via his dc. When I asked him why he had 'lied' about her he said he didn't want to be one of those guys who badmouths his ex!
I think there's a difference between making derogatory comments about an ex & saying something like "I won't lie, I find her extremely difficult & that can cause some issues but for the most part I strive to keep things civil". I'd certainly have appreciated that level of honesty in the past.
I'd also echo @AnneLovesGilbert and say really think about what being a stepmum means. You lose a LOT of agency over your own life. If you have your own dc (either pre relationship or shared) you can lose agency over their lives too & you really have to be prepared to fight your corner. Ime society judges sms very harshly (you can't do right for doing wrong) & you need a lot of self belief to stand your ground.
Step parenting really is one of those areas where love (for and of your partner) really isn't enough.

Also, what if a child just refuses to accept any partner their parent has because they want their parents back together. Does that mean both parents just have to stay single forever and can never move on? Or worse, try to make a failed relationship work because that's what the kid wants?

All of this!

My DH is a fantastic dad. He also has to pick up a lot slack because the kids mum isn't the best and trys to be their pal to win favour. So all the bad cop, teaching life lessons and discipline falls on him. And he's smashing it. Currently teaching 2 teenager boys to adult and preparing them for working life and bringing up a 5yo at the same time. He impresses me constantly with his parenting yet when I say to him "you're such a good dad" will reply "I'm just trying". He also asks sometime "did I do the right thing there?".

Good dads won't tell you they're good. Shit dads will as they're trying to convince themselves as well as others and will try to justify their shit parenting in their own head.

Also, if a man can't possibly make his partner a priority because he has kids then he shouldn't get into a relationship. You can guarantee this type of man will manage to make themselves a priority quite often however.

Absolutely agree with all of this. As well as being able to stand your own ground, you need to have a partner who stands up for you too. Who won't allow the ex to dictate your lives, or allow the kids to treat you badly. A partner who understands that while he need to prioritise his kids, that you also need to be a priority.

If the ex asks for a last minute change (non-emergency) to the schedule that clashes with plans you have will he jump to the exs request and dump your plans or will he tell the ex she'll need to sort alternative childcare and give more notice in future?

I've never been made to feel like I'm bottom of the pile. Any decisions about the kids schedule that affects my time is discussed with me in advance. I feel like we're a team and my feelings and opinions are valued. My DH has good boundaries in place to minimise the impact of his ex.

Step-parenting can be tough and I can't imagine I would cope so well with it had I not had such a supportive partner. It can also be extremely rewarding. I went to pick my DSD up from nursery yesterday and when she saw me she shouted yes and ran towards me with open arms and jumped up for a cuddle. It is worth it if you put the work in.

He's too close to his ex - red 🚩
Doesn't get on with his ex - red 🚩
Doesn't see his kids that much - red 🚩
Over compensates because he doesn't see his kids that much - red 🚩
Doesn't have sufficient boundaries with his ex - red 🚩
Has boundaries with his ex which makes the relationship strained - red 🚩
Went to court to get a proper contact schedule with child - red 🚩
Doesn't have a court order so contact isn't consistent - red 🚩
Priorities the kids and won't therefore prioritise you - red 🚩
Priorities new relationship ahead of kids - red 🚩
Doesn't pay much child maintenance (and regardless of amount it's almost certainly nothing going by this site) - red 🚩
Pays child maintenance and still supports old family for the kids which means he's in a bit of a bind as to his own living arrangements etc- red 🚩

Life is complicated and on these pages you get a lot of projection without much understanding. I'd suggest you go on the date and see how it goes. You could come back on here but regardless of how well that date went someone will find red flags.

if you’re quoting me, that’s not what I was referring to. I meant that if they have brownies on a Monday, for example, your Monday night will be dictated by brownies. You can’t just decide to hop off to the pub on a date. Obviously you’re entitled to happiness and a life foo!

Most accurate comment on here. Parents can't win sometimes, particularly dads. Everything can seem like a red flag until you dive a bit deeper.

You've been given a lot of really good information. Don't over think it, enjoy the date and trust your gut.

I think it is smart to think ahead and agree with @Vastula on the points to look out for.

Yeah absolutely. My life revolves around 7pm bedtimes, gymnastics Fridays and football Sundays! 🤣

I'm talking about parents who cancel plans with their partner because their ex has requested a last minute change to the schedule. Or parents who won't get a babysitter so they can take their partner out for their birthday. Parents who don't take on board their partners feelings or allow their children to do things that upset their partner.

But yeah, I'd say on the most part if you have kids in your life you have to accept you can't just do whatever you like whenever you like. As a step-parent you can but you can't expect your partner to always go with you.

I agree.

Most step parenting issues come from one or both parents, not the child. I wouldn't ask tons of questions but do listen very carefully to the way he talks about his ex, and his own parenting style and schedule.

@datingred but I also think how awful it must be if you date for say 6 months to a year and are crazy about them then get introduced and don't get on with the children or vice versa... It seems better to know that sooner rather than later!

I agree. I have children and step children. On here people will say you need to be dating for 18 months before even considering slowly introducing children.

I think that it's fine to introduce a new partner (who you are thinking long term with) earlier to see how you get along. It's no different than meeting up with your friend your kids haven't met before if you're just doing something like going to the park. It doesn't have to be full on, you can be introduced as a friend who also happens to like the park/bowling/cinema. You're not going to be snogging each others faces off in front of them or staying over.

Personally I think that's best for the child because it's nothing heavy and you can gauge how everyone feels without wasting 2 years of your life to find out it won't work.

And some exes are horrible. Mine is an absolute bastard and I won't pretend he isn't. I don't, however, bring it up or discuss it incessantly because I'm just glad I'm no longer with him.

This.

Just to be clear. "Talking badly about his ex" is him being rude or derogatory. It's ok for him to admit that he doesn't have a good relationship/get on with her. As long as he doesn't put her down.

Excellent reply

Hi ladies, thanks for all the advice. In case anyone was interested, there weren't really any red flags about the child, but plenty of other ones..😂The biggest was him thinking (at 44) it wasn't an issue that his mum often does his laundry! (Collects it and takes it home to bring it back washed.. wtaf!) Tbf this (along with other things) came out on the 2nd date and there won't be a 3rd - it was when I asked what had happened with the mother of the child and he mentioned she didn't get on with his mum and then this was one of the reasons. Also that she'd "said something that really needed to be said" - which is turns out was a comment about how mother of child "just needed to get on with things" when she was suffering from PND... wow...

So, yes, I've thrown this one back! But I'll bear in mind all the tips for future men!