Dating a guy with a child - red flags?

[datingred]

This is a bit of a random post but I have a date with a guy planned who has a 5 year old son. I've never dated a man with children before - I never even consider them usually. I'm getting older now though (36) and I realise I'm probably limiting my dating pool if I refuse to even consider men with children (well, ideally just one child as in this situation!) I want my own children but I also realise that might not happen for me so I'm more open to considering men with children as it would be nice to (many years into the future, in any serious long term relationship that might occur!) have a child/children in my life.

So. Back to the question.

I've read lots of posts on here about problems that arise in step parenting so I was just wondering if there are any red flags in relation to this specifically that I should look out for at this early stage so I don't get myself into a tricky situation. Any questions to ask?

I'm thinking the obvious thing I would need to clarify is what the relationship with the ex is like and it'll be a red flag if he's really negative about her/they have a fractious relationship. Also if it's a new break up - haven't clarified this point as to how long he's been single.. Any other ideas?

I do want children of my own and he wants more children too so at least I've got that one out of the way!

TIA for any help/thoughts.

Oof, he sounds like a peach. Good decision to bin him off.

sounds like the MIL could have been part of the reason for the split. And doing his laundry? You are well rid.

I have a bf who I dated when I was 15 and we was on and off for years and now I’m 25 and he’s 27 but we was on and off cause of long distance and he couldn’t see me as he was sofa surfing a lot but apparently I was the only woman who he fell in love with said I was the one who “got away” whatever that means. I’m in a situation he said he searched for me for 4 years and we got together and it has been great but I found out he had a child before meeting which was okay but his ex gf was crazy like threaten to kill me over the phone, stalked me on social media, none stop called me baiting in mind they hated each other and she cheated on him but anyway my bf gets depressed over his son because he chose to have a life with me here and his ex gf was threatening for him to never see his son if he ever came to see me and sometimes I feel like it’s out of my hands and I don’t know what to do anymore I love him a lot but like today he’s been so cold and distant also would smoke a lot of weed and stopped it and then started again and I’m like do I just let him go to his old life or do I just deal with this stuff I just don’t know anymore what to do plus I don’t have children so I don’t understand what it’s like but we both had bad childhoods and he’s had a bad life plus his son is none verbal and autistic which I’m okay with and I think his son is adorable and if I could give him a home I would but this ex gf of his makes his life a living hell had to change his mobile number and everything I could just really use some insight please :)

He speaks badly of the ex wife on date 1-5. (Lack of social skills, or just selfish.)

Hw blames her for conflict and paints himself as a victim. (Prob high conflict person, maybe covert narc.)

He gets hammered and cries about his divorce (I had this on a second date, there wasn’t a third).

He says the divorce left him with commitment issues (he just wants sex).

He says he’s battling for 50-50 but it becomes clear he’s only ever done bath and bedtime. Or he moans that other people such as his relatives aren’t willing to help him with his childcare. Both suggest he’s never really looked after kids and has no idea how to. (He will be after free childcare.)

He says he’s got money trouble from the divorce and makes you feel responsible to pay for the date, or pays but says he’ll be more overdrawn now etc. Says he’s struggling with his rent or has put legal costs on credit cards. (This man will end up draining his next woman.)

He mentions kids have behavior issues and blames these on the ex wife alone.

As you progress,he creates opportunities for you to bump into the exw or wants you to be there at pickups. In early dating stages he’s doing that to show her he’s got someone. (It’s a narc thing.)

Green flags:

On the first 5 dates he doesn’t mention exw at all.

When asked about his part in the divorce he owns up. If he’s genuinely accountable he’s unlikely to be high conflict.

He says he doesn’t mind what percentage of the kids’ time he gets as long as it’s a situation that works best for them. He seems flexible and keen to avoid prolonged conflict.

He says he’ll not say a bad thing about his exw and would rather not talk about it as he’s moving on with his life, or that he’s processing it with an actual therapist.

He pays for the date and makes it clear he remains solvent.

Now my DP had many more green flags than red and ifs still not been at all easy because it turned out the exw was high conflict. So assess that one too before you jump in. I didn’t and am in too deep now to leave but I regret not treating the exw as the big red flag. We’ll never be truly comfortable together until the kids are grown and gone.

I’d not read your update before posting.

You are a wise woman OP.

The cause of my divorce was my exh allowing MIL to overwhelm me by being in my home every day to ‘help’ and telling me what to do and how to raise my kid. To dictate Xmas and Mother’s Day and to take exh and my child off on family days out without me. Exh saying we couldn’t say no to her because of how much she did for us. I’d rather have paid for help, which we could afford, but exh wanted to save every penny. The behaviour started with our wedding. My BIL warned me about it but after BIL and SIL had ejected MIL from their lives she stuck her claws firmly into exh. Unspurprisingly his mum lives with him now. His new partner is being driven slowly mad by her. It probably won’t be long before she’s erased by MIL too but I hope exh wakes up before that happens.