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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Advice needed- adjusting to child having step-parent

51 replies

Singlemummy01 · 13/03/2023 16:25

Initially posted this on parenting thread then saw this thread which is more appropriate! So apologies for cross posting.

Just as the title says really.

My 4 year old daughter has recently started talking about my ex - husband's (still in the process of divorcing) partner more. It feels like I am winded everytime she mentions the partner's name, and of course I have a big smile on my face and act interested in whatever it is she is saying about the partner.

I just can't seem to shake the feeling of grief, and jealousy, that another lady gets to enjoy special moments with my child - I feel so sad that it was never supposed to be like this and is never a part of the plan when you try for a baby.

We alternate Christmas Eve, and I am already thinking ahead to this Christmas as I am very much aware that this lady will likely be waking up with my daughter on Christmas morning and it makes me feel so overwhelmed and sad.

I know I should be happy that my daughter seems to like this lady, but I am just not quite there yet.

Any advice for anyone who had dealt with feelings around this?

Thank you

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 13/03/2023 16:28

I don't have any experience of that but it occurs to me that you might imagine how things would be for your child in the step-mother was truly wicked and then be glad that is not the case

MintJulia · 13/03/2023 16:31

Sending hugs. It is terribly difficult, especially if that person has very different values to you. I'm not sure I can offer any advice except to say that it gets easier as dcs get older.

My ds is 14. He never speaks about his time at his dad's to me unless I ask. And equally never about our home life to his dad. To him, they are two different worlds that don't mix and I'll only hear about it if there is a problem.

QuitMoaning · 13/03/2023 16:33

It is really horrible and really difficult but all you can do is keep reminding yourself that you need to put your daughter’s needs first and a good relationship with significant adults in her life can only be beneficial to everyone.
Also I used to remind myself that the step mother (who was the OW so I was very bitter in my head) could be perfect but they will always love you more.
I have seen my son 8 times on Christmas Day and he is now in his 20’s for lots of reasons but it is about his happiness not mine.
I have no regrets especially as he is largely disinterested in his step mother now.

NewNameNigel · 13/03/2023 16:35

This forum is generally for advice for step parents so you might get more replies on the relationship forum which tends to be a lot busier.

I think you're feeling like this woman might take something away from you if she gets close to your daughter but this isn't the case. Love is not finite. She can build her own relationship with your daughter and will be another adult who cares about her without taking anything from you.

How is your life in general? Do you make plans with friends or hobbies while your daughter is with her dad?

CarrieSmisher · 13/03/2023 16:40

Hi yes, I have. My kids are grown now but looking back at that time, it was painful. For many reasons. The split was my decision but the fact they were quite little made it hard to have another women taking up a parenting position in their lives.

My only advice is keep doing what you're doing. You also don't have to be best friends but a friendly, confident, cordial relationship is good so handovers etc are stress free.

My ex husband's partner, they're not married, has turned out to be quite problematic over the years in terms of her behaviour. She is naturally very negative and they don't have a close relationship with her. It's cordial but not close. Had I reacted badly to that information, because it did affect them, it really brought them down at times, it could have closed down their willingness to chat to me about the challenges. I've been there, listened, given advice but never mirrored the negativity. It means they can deal with her on quite a superficial, polite level and know I'm there to support as always.

Keep doing what you're doing and your daughter will know she can come to you. Even though she's only 4, she'll pick up on your non verbal messaging. You'll have to keep that smile x

aSofaNearYou · 13/03/2023 16:40

Just as a heads up, this forum is typically for step parents rather than people struggling with the concept of step parents, so that's the main perspective you'll find here.

That said, and I don't know much this will comfort you, but it might be worth remembering that precious moments with your child is probably not an active desire of this woman, she's probably not in any way desperate to fill a mummy role. She's there for the dad, and making an effort with his kids is a byproduct of that. Try thinking of her more like a teacher or childminder, in terms of how she feels about spending time with your child. Would you feel upset about them sharing moments with your child? She's not waking up with her on Christmas morning because she desperately wants to like you do. It's your ex that will likely feel that way.

And as a PP said, relationships between child and step parent can be difficult with dislike on both or either sides. If they get along, it's a good thing.

lunar1 · 13/03/2023 16:47

Be relieved that your ex has met someone who is kind and welcoming to your daughter, and remember that she probably feels like she is always hearing about you, and how you do things etc.

My shitty dad married a true evil step mum, I didn't know at the time but her behaviour to my brother and I was criminal.

You aren't in competition with your ex's partner, you both have incredibly different roles in your DD's life. The special times she is spending with your child, wouldn't be ones she was with you for anyway, she'd be with her dad.

Aftjbtibg · 13/03/2023 16:51

I’m a step parent and I remember my DSDs mum commenting on this and I do get how hard it must be. Just bear in mind that she’s probably talking about you a lot in the same way to her dad and his partner and no one can take the place of a child’s mum. My DSD is great but I’ve always known her mum is number 1 and that a step parent isn’t the same.

strawberryicecreamice · 13/03/2023 16:52

Keep hiding it. My mum didn't and I was too scared to mention anything and I was always feeling anxious and worried I'd upset someone. Just like my Dad's new wife didn't want me to mention anything from my home life. Not seen my Dad and her since I was 13. I'm now 39.

NewNameNigel · 13/03/2023 16:57

it might be worth remembering that precious moments with your child is probably not an active desire of this woman, she's probably not in any way desperate to fill a mummy role. She's there for the dad, and making an effort with his kids is a byproduct of that

This is very true. Step mothers aren't generally trying to take over your children.

KeeperSweeper · 13/03/2023 17:00

I am a stepmother, I have been with my DH since DSD was 4. She is now 10. We have 50:50 contact and alternate Christmas - so I have had Christmas morning with her several times.

I would like to reassure you that even though I am another trusted female family member to DSC, I in no way replace her mother. We do have fun opening presents on the mornings she is here, but it's a different sort of fun, not 'special mother and daughter' fun - she goes away on boxing day knowing she will have another special Christmas with her mum.

It is not how you pictured it. I would hate it if I didn't get to see my own daughters on Christmas morning. But important to know that dad and stepmom haven't slotted into place as a perfect nuclear family with your daughter. You will always be her mum so any way or day you celebrate Christmas will be special, because it's YOUR Christmas celebration.

KeeperSweeper · 13/03/2023 17:03

Sorry I should have given advice. My advice would be to try and avoid comparisons - to what you thought Christmas would be, or what you think Christmas is like at ex's. It would be so much better to focus on the time you will be spending together, and how you and your daughter can celebrate in your own special way

Waitin4snow · 13/03/2023 17:04

NewNameNigel · 13/03/2023 16:57

This is very true. Step mothers aren't generally trying to take over your children.

As a SM myself this is very true OP . My SD is now an adult but I have always viewed myself as her adult friend . I met her at 5 and we were lucky in that we got on , I’ve never been a rival mum , my relationship with my own kids is different . There have definitely been times though over the years where I’ve been a safety net able to help or advise precisely because I don’t have the same emotional involvement as her mother.

SemperIdem · 13/03/2023 18:55

My child has a step mum. She’s kind and seems to occupy a benign auntie space in my child’s life, my child loves her. Took a while to get used to but now I barely give her a second thought. She most certainly isn’t trying to take my place.

I also have step children, I have taken a similar sort of role in their lives - kind, welcoming, but absolutely not mothering them. That is not my role nor one that I want.

Original poster

Singlemummy01 · 13/03/2023 21:35

Can I just say thank you to each and everyone of you.

Hearing from people who have been in a similar situation, but also from people who have been step mothers themselves, is just so helpful, and also reassuring.

I think the comments here have just made me think about things in a different way, and I was so desperate for some perspective on this- thank you so much everyone x

OP posts:

smellyflowers · 14/03/2023 06:28

Stepmum here.

Not sure how much this helps but my DH's ex got a lot calmer about me once she got a new partner. So maybe if/when you're ready to date again it might feel different if you have a new partner? Obviously not saying you should be doing this!

smellyflowers · 14/03/2023 06:29

Also, agree with others, I definitely don't want to be "mummy" to her kids

CornishGem1975 · 14/03/2023 09:13

I am a stepmum and my own DC have a stepmum.

My SC's mum hates me and lets it be known to them but luckily they've made their own mind up. She makes everything difficult and in turn it makes them feel awkward about things. I don't act as a parent to them, they're not my children, I have my own children.

As a mum of children myself, I am just concerned that my children are happy and comfortable with their stepmum, which they are and that's good enough for me.

MeridianB · 14/03/2023 10:44

How long have you been separated and how long has your ex been with his partner, @Singlemummy01 ?

Everything you're feeling sounds absolutely normal, so don't be too hard on yourself. I think your DD's age is really key as little children are so joyous and cute - they can also be very accepting of new people and situations.

But she only has one mummy. You're the one who will her constant source of joy, love and comfort.

In addition to all the great things, 4yos can be hard work, and you're bearing the brunt of this. So try to take the time she's away to recharge, see friends and reclaim something for yourself.

I agree with others that swalling the negativity and putting your DD first will pay dividends, even if it's really hard. Vent your feelings to friends so you're not bottling it up. And there will no doubt be a time in the future when you ex has to face you having a new partner and DD spending time with him.

Wishing you luck with it all - take it slowly.

Iona345 · 14/03/2023 10:54

This is very normal. My exh had an affair with a friend and they now live together and my children go there frequently and on holidays with them. It used to KILL me - that feeling you must get in your stomach I was there! I had to bite my tongue very hard at times.

It does get easier. In some ways i knew this woman and know they are safe and will be well looked after. I made peace with it by thinking how much worse it would be if I worried about their time there or if they were being treated badly. Think about how awful that would be. They only mention her very occasionally - she's quote hands off really, but kind to them.

And it's true, there is only one mum, and that is you. No one can ever replace that bond x

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 14/03/2023 11:40

Oh this is tough. I've completely moved on from my ExH, I have a fantastic DP and a gorgeous 5mo baby with him. ExH and I share 50/50 contact with our lovely DC, we're pretty amicable and it could be a lot worse.

ExH has a new girlfriend. The DC seem to like her, but she definitely seems to be buying their affections, always giving them presents and trying exceptionally hard to get them to like her. ExH is tighter than a spider's arsehole, so naturally he's delighted that yet another woman is picking up his slack when it comes to buying clothes, toys, PS4 games etc 🙄🙄

Even though I'm glad to be shot of him, a small part of me dreads the DC enjoying time with the GF more, because she indulges them (for now). She makes a massive point of doing things with the DC that I don't enjoy: listening to endless shit about Minecraft, Marvel, playing on the PS4 etc. She's more "fun" than I am, and with no kids of her own, has a lot more spare cash than I do!

I think it's natural, OP. As mothers we do so much for our kids day-to-day that goes unnoticed and mostly unappreciated, because it's not in the form of buying material objects like toys. We very often aren't "fun".

Your DD has ONE mum. Nobody can ever replace you. I'm far from bloody perfect, I can't and won't fulfil my kids' every whim, but they love me as much as I love them. We give them love, routine, and guide them as much as we can.

MeridianB · 14/03/2023 11:48

She makes a massive point of doing things with the DC that I don't enjoy: listening to endless shit about Minecraft, Marvel, playing on the PS4 etc.

Now this is dedication. 😵My deep and unconditional love for my own DC would still not extend to this 😀

funinthesun19 · 14/03/2023 13:57

I get it and understand your worries, but you’ll get used to her being around eventually and these feelings will fade. No matter what nice things she does with her dad and stepmum and what precious moments DD has with them, your DD will always know that you are her mummy and I’m certain she will have plenty of precious moments with you too.
My advice is to just concentrate on building your own happy life with DD and that is all you need to do. That will all speak for itself.

Your DD is just being a 4 year old and is speaking highly about someone who is nice to her. Say they played Lego together and built a cool house with it, that will be awesome in your DD’s little head and she will want to walk about it. I’m glad you’re letting her talk about the fun she’s been having. Remember again, you’re her mummy. She loves YOU!

As another poster said, his partner is making the effort because she wants to make him happy and wants to make their relationship work. Part of that is being nice to dd. But those moments with your dd aren’t precious to her like they would be to you. She doesn’t want to be your DD’s mummy. And your dd will enjoy that time with her, but she will enjoy you more.

funinthesun19 · 14/03/2023 13:59

TALK about it, not walk.

HVPRN · 14/03/2023 14:34

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm @MeridianB

"She makes a massive point of doing things with the DC that I don't enjoy: listening to endless shit about Minecraft, Marvel, playing on the PS4 etc."

This made me LOL too 🤣💪🏻

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