Advice needed- adjusting to child having step-parent

[Singlemummy01]

Initially posted this on parenting thread then saw this thread which is more appropriate! So apologies for cross posting.

Just as the title says really.

My 4 year old daughter has recently started talking about my ex - husband's (still in the process of divorcing) partner more. It feels like I am winded everytime she mentions the partner's name, and of course I have a big smile on my face and act interested in whatever it is she is saying about the partner.

I just can't seem to shake the feeling of grief, and jealousy, that another lady gets to enjoy special moments with my child - I feel so sad that it was never supposed to be like this and is never a part of the plan when you try for a baby.

We alternate Christmas Eve, and I am already thinking ahead to this Christmas as I am very much aware that this lady will likely be waking up with my daughter on Christmas morning and it makes me feel so overwhelmed and sad.

I know I should be happy that my daughter seems to like this lady, but I am just not quite there yet.

Any advice for anyone who had dealt with feelings around this?

Thank you

From a step mum's perspective, the special and landmark moments were never a big deal for me. I don't have kids of my own so my perspective is probably different to others but to take Christmas Day as an example, alternating Xmas means you have one that's all to yourself and one that's more labour intensive and all about the children that aren't and never will be yours. That was not rewarding to me. It's lovely to see my husband happy but I don't claim any stake in the magic on that event.

It's different now that the kids are older (adult) and we work around their mum's preference more often than not to keep the peace but please don't think that your ex's partner is creating memories with your kids, the likelihood is that she's treading a fine line between keeping them and her partner happy whilst your children are in her company.

@MeridianB @HVPRN 😂😂 I'm so glad it's not just me! I can't even pretend to be interested 😅😅

Had to happen -smellyflowers lowers the tone and make a bitchy comment. seriously was that necessary, sick of SMs always blaming the DM for not having a partner being a problem. Nasty patronising comment.

OP it sucks and always will suck whether you get a new DP or not. lona 45 has it right having been in the same position.

Deep breaths and smile!

I am so glad I posted on here, honestly, I have found the insight and advice to be so useful for me.
The comments have definitely helped me to feel less vulnerable and fearful about my child having a step mother. So thank you for all being so open and honest with me about your thoughts/experiences x

OP...I don't think this is the best place to post, as your not getting the parent perspective. Your getting the stepparent in the main, which may be harsh not always have empathy.

'd suggest a coparent forum would give you the perspective of others in your situation. And how they've coped.

I suggest u/coparenting on reddit.

I'm a SM..I am fond my SC and have enjoyed spending time with them and seeing them grow up, but I don't want to be another Mum to them. They have a Mum and she's a great Mum and a very civilised ex wife.
She has trusted me with her children and I hope they have had a nice childhood and think well of us all now they're grown ups too.
Re Christmas, DH knew that Christmas Eve and morning was really special to his ex. I think we had the kids once but agreed that they should have that time with their Mum. They generally come over to ours early evening and we have Christmas Day evening and Boxing Day with them.

There was nothing bitchy about that comment. You were looking for SM's to be unsupportive so you found it. Everyone on this thread has been kind to OP.

Sounds like op WANTS to be in a position to accept it though.

You just don’t.

OP it sucks and always will suck whether you get a new DP or not. lona 45 has it right having been in the same position.

Ironic given that this is the least supportive comment on the thread...

Hi, stepmum here. My stepson was seven when we met. He’s now over 25! I love my stepson very much and have done lots over the years to make him know that his father and I are there for him and proud of him. I never wanted him to feel like our house wasn’t his home too. But I always knew he had a mum, I’d never want to take her place. Sometimes his mum has driven me mad with the tricks she’s pulled over the years, but equally sometimes we have both been at things like school prize giving together and have both grinned proudly at each other when he’s on stage.

Important thing to remember- while he’s at their house he’ll be talking about you to her. She’ll hear a lot of “at mum’s we do it this way”. You definitely won’t be being replaced. Be glad he’s happy.

I actually think the op has has very empathetic responses and none that are at all harsh. Especially given that she's posted on a step parenting support forum asking how to come to terms with the fact her daughter has a step mother.

Plenty of step parents are also parents.

Also - I think the op was quite smart to pose her question to a board of step parents, it provides her with the “other sides” perspective and ideas around how they approach their relationships with their step children. That is far more informative than an echo chamber of parents who are also having a struggle to adjust to their child having a step parent. Which is itself, an entirely normal process. Co-parenting, step parents, step children - it’s all really tricky to navigate!

Also - I think the op was quite smart to pose her question to a board of step parents, it provides her with the “other sides” perspective and ideas around how they approach their relationships with their step children. That is far more informative than an echo chamber of parents who are also having a struggle to adjust to their child having a step parent. Which is itself, an entirely normal process. Co-parenting, step parents, step children - it’s all really tricky to navigate!

I agree. It’s not like her OP was full of hysterical comments about how it all sucks and she can’t stand her daughter’s stepmum and how unfair life is etc.. A post like that would be called a rant, but that’s not what OP posted. She didn’t post a rant. She posted for help and advice and reassurance, and has been lovely the whole way through. She hasn’t got an axe to grind and that’s the key difference between her and other posters.

As a mum and ex-stepmum, I’m all ears and willing to help and advise. That’s what this board is for. If there is a mum struggling with coming to terms with her child having a stepmum, it’s really understandable. It’s a huge deal. The stepmums on here won’t get offended by that, and will try to help and give different angles. Just telling her that it sucks and how life will never get better is not helpful!

It does horrible and remains horrible but you learn with time not to let you affect you as much. That is being honest with the OP who is at the beginning of a long journey.

What is not acceptable is to tell OP that when you get yourself a new partner , you will find you don't mind as much - that is beyond patronising and derogatory. If the OP gets a new DP -she will care less what her children are doing with their other family because her DP will occupy her. Comments like this are frequently said on the SM forum. I don't care less for myDCs and what theya re doing now I have a new DP than I did when I was single.

There is a grieving process that goes on, as you ahve to say goodbye to whatyou thought your childs life was going to be like and realise, you have less control over those experiences. It is very hard and no it does not stop when you get a new partner.

This illustration @funinthesun19 s point.

Imagine how disheartening it would be for the op to get post after post like this!

In response to one of the messages, I definitely want to be in a position to accept the situation, but I am aware that I am not there at this time as it is still so new and fresh. I am also aware that, for me, it will likely take a long time.

I do agree that hearing step-mother's opinions have helped me feel far less vulnerable: to hear the perspectives of those who have that lived- experience of step-parenting and hearing them acknowledging the differences between their role, and the mother's role, does help me to feel more secure and less threatened.

I made this post as nobody in my life has ever been in the position of either adjusting to their children having a step-parent, or being a step-parent themselves. I wanted to hear real life perspectives (albeit virtually!). So hearing both sides has been validating and reassuring.

Xx

Eaterofcheese - so being honest about how hard it is, is not appropriate.
If it was all a bed of roses then this forum would not exist - it is v hard. Having been through the process twice now with Ex having tow DPs - my view after the first one would have been dire, my view after number 2 - is what you hope will happen for your DCs.

There is a spectrum and as OP has pointed out - she recognises she is at the beginning of a long journey and there are going to be problems - she is trying to work out what she can expect.

Eaterofcheese - so being honest about how hard it is, is not appropriate.

No @lookluv but not everyone has had your experience. So it's good that your posts are interspersed with other experiences.

I have friends who are mums in your situation who get on well with and respect their children's step mum and enjoy their childfree time. I am sorry that you hate your situation but that't not inevitable for everyone. Not everyone is the same as you.

Post what you like about your own situation but don't make out like it's inevitable

Where have I said that I hate my situation?
Where have I said I do not respect my DCS SM - nowhere.
Is there a grieving process when you split for what your children have lost - then yes there is.

My first experience of an SM for my DCs was dire, every wicked SM cliche in the book and then some.
The new SM is fantastic -we have a great mutually respectful relationship - so yes I do know both sides of a very difficult situation. If I had only had the latter experience then I would not have posted anything negative.

As an SM now - ~i hope I manage to emulate SM2 because SM1 was truly vile and if I am a fraction of what she was like - I hope someone would tell me.

That process has taken time and there is no doubt that I wish my children did not have separated parents but that I have learned to live with but you do grieve what they have lost.

@lookluv That process has taken time and there is no doubt that I wish my children did not have separated parents but that I have learned to live with but you do grieve what they have lost.

Sure that's fine and I agree to a extent but the children would have lost the family unit regardless of a sm on the scene because the break up of mum and dad was a choice between two adults.

Once you separate out the fact you can grieve for the family unit that was lost, from the wicked step mother narrative you will feel better. If anyones to blame for that loss it isn't the sp.

My Dds sm is lovely but I have no reason to think she's trying to replace me because that's impossible. Never had any issues with her tbh at all. And she was the ow 🤷🏼‍♀️ so it's important to remember perspective matters.

As previous posters have said you have had a hideous time and it's coloured your experience. But assuming bad things will happen to everyone is awfully negative outlook to have and also unkind to someone who's already a bit wobbly and trying her best (op). Playing into peoples worst fears just because that's been your experience is unkind.

Honestly though op I really wouldn't worry (it's easy to say) but most people are kindly yes there are some bad apples out there but you find bad apples with all different titles not just step mums.

My best advice is to studiously avoid what goes down in the other house (baring safety ect) and if in doubt, try to not mistake your feelings for your children's and vice a versa. It gets easier it really does

Where have I said that I hate my situation?

These lines from your post kind of suggest that you do...

it sucks and always will suck
It does horrible and remains horrible

Spot on. Also the many many comments that have been made on various post. Repeatedly.

But I thought it was just me noticing that..

So many assumptions made- it still sucks and is horrible that my DCS have to still see ex SM1 but they are now old enough to vocalise and deal with the situation.

I still dont like that they are subjected to this situation - so yes it is ongoing.

SM2 relationship is adult, sensible and no competition.
To suggest to OP that it will all be fine is misleading. I have seen both sides of this dynamic good and dire. It still sucks that their DF continues to put them in the SM1 situation but if they did not they would not see their sibling who they love dearly.

Being realistic on this forum and accepting there is a spectrum of blended families with good and bad in all the roles is rarely accepted. I can at least say I have seen both - they have taught me so much about blending families.