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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Who's in the right.

67 replies

PrincessConstance · 09/03/2023 09:07

Dp and I are in the process of separating one of the reasons is my management of his children. We've been together 4yrs ish. When his children were younger everything was fine. Now they've gotten older the relationship between me and his children has become strained as I've tried to implement a new routine.
They all think it's too rigid.
It's caused endless arguments, and I feel unappreciated and ignored.
So I've called time, and he's agreed and thinks I've been to strict and it's ruining his relationship with his children. I think he's too slack.

Who's in the right here?

OP posts:
EL8888 · 09/03/2023 09:11

I would need to know more about the routine to get an idea about how reasonable or unreasonable it is

Livinghappy · 09/03/2023 09:18

Can't answer if your routine is unreasonable howeverthe key ability in a relationship is compromise. However if your parenting styles are so far apart then perhaps a compromise won't ever be found.

You are definitely not unreasonable to separate however because step parenting is a thankless task if you and the parent are not on the same page. It's very common for these issues to cause breakups so you are not alone.

Do you have your own children?

Nimbostratus100 · 09/03/2023 09:20

It doesn't matter who is "right". You have told him what you need the children to do in order for the family to work. He isn't able to get them to do it, you are not happy, so finish the relationship

good luck xx I hope things work out well for you

Shemovesshemoves21 · 09/03/2023 09:22

Now you're separating, it really doesn't matter who was 'right'. Let it go and move on.

Original poster
PrincessConstance · 09/03/2023 09:30

I come from another country so we have quite a strict routine for our children. Very orderly.
Brushing teeth, bathing, tasks in the house, keeping their bedroom clean, (every day) homework is done every night. His eldest is now 12 and is changing into a teenager, so she's pushing back. on occasion.
On the other hand, he's just so casual about everything, he feels I've tried to impose. Hi ex-wife and her new partner and Dp are all on the same page. I feel now like an outsider. He just says they're clean, polite, not cheeky, and doing well in school and it's my attempt at imposing that has ruined everything. He thinks it's a work in progress and I needed to chill out.
When I said enough is enough he said he loves me but he's relieved in some ways because I was oppressive.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 09/03/2023 09:33

It's not a matter of 'right' or 'wrong' but clearly your parenting views are not compatible and as they are his children, his views have priority. Well done to both of you for recognising that and parting amicably.

Tannedandfake · 09/03/2023 09:33

They aren’t your children. If your DP and his ex wife are happy with their upbringing, it’s not for you to enforce some type of regime

Ihatethenewlook · 09/03/2023 09:34

From the sounds of things I think he is in the right. They’re children, not robots. You’re not going to get 100% obedience out of them at all times. A messy teenage bedroom is par for the course. All the other adults in their lives are in agreement that they are fine, you have to pick your battles sometimes. It sounds like you make EVERYTHING a battle if anyone doesn’t do exactly as you say. You are miserable and you are making everyone else miserable. He’s actually telling you you are destroying his relationship with his children, I’m glad he’s putting them first and you’re breaking up. It sounds like the best thing for everyone involved.

Can2022getanyworse · 09/03/2023 09:41

As the step-mum you'll never be right.

I'm with you on the routine though, it's not draconian and stuff like homework and teeth brushing is not negotiable.

(my dsd does not brush her teeth, I gave up trying to insist she did but neither her dad or mum pushed it. She has had 4 teeth pulled and several fillings, whereas my 2 have had no treatment - she is now an adult and has told me that she wishes she hadn't kicked back against me and that her parents had been more forceful. Can't win them all/hinsight etc).

Yours is a difference of parenting styles, the culture bit is neither here nor there. You're separating, you can move on. They'll be stuck with boundary-free teenagers... Just imagine that in a few years when you reflect on what might have been!

CallieJones · 09/03/2023 09:45

I think your dh is right. Your method sounds like it would create pointless telling off and conflict if they weren't perfect.

CallieJones · 09/03/2023 09:47

He just says they're clean, polite, not cheeky, and doing well in school and it's my attempt at imposing that has ruined everything
I agree with him here.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/03/2023 09:49

All I would add to this is that they are not your children OP and he must be relieved you are no longer together

princesssparklepants · 09/03/2023 09:56

Think you've done the right thing in splitting.

No one is right and no one is wrong.
It's different attitudes and you are never going to win as a step parent if the parents don't agree with you... why would a kid, who isn't yours listen to you at all!

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2023 09:56

He’s right. But it doesn’t matter as you’re breaking up anyway. It’s never a step parent’s job to care more about this stuff than the parents and while you’re allowed reasonable standards in the home you live in it’s not your job to be imposing parenting decisions on children who aren’t yours. Homework is a parenting decision not a household standard one. What’s it to you if they don’t do it as often as you like?! It’s no reflection on you at all.

I say that as a step mum of many years. No point fighting losing battles or thinking your approach is better than the actual mum and dad. The cultural aspect is entirely separate and I’m afraid makes you even more unreasonable. You’ve chosen to live here, they’re bringing their children up here, your own upbringing is irrelevant.

His relief is all either of you needs to know. It must have been very stressful for him trying to placate you while letting his children behave in ways he’s happy with. Move on.

Original poster
PrincessConstance · 09/03/2023 09:59

Can2022getanyworse · 09/03/2023 09:41

As the step-mum you'll never be right.

I'm with you on the routine though, it's not draconian and stuff like homework and teeth brushing is not negotiable.

(my dsd does not brush her teeth, I gave up trying to insist she did but neither her dad or mum pushed it. She has had 4 teeth pulled and several fillings, whereas my 2 have had no treatment - she is now an adult and has told me that she wishes she hadn't kicked back against me and that her parents had been more forceful. Can't win them all/hinsight etc).

Yours is a difference of parenting styles, the culture bit is neither here nor there. You're separating, you can move on. They'll be stuck with boundary-free teenagers... Just imagine that in a few years when you reflect on what might have been!

Take the homework, for example, his eldest has been getting detentions for not completing in a timely manner, he doesn't seem fussed as they have to miss break time to complete homework. He just says she'll have to learn, he's spoken to her about it in a relaxed manner. His daughter is also ready to sit her GCSE English now in yr 7 so she's bright, I think she should work hard all of the time.
His other daughter he was concerned about has now caught up and is ready for the bigger school even though she's in yr 5.

His daughters are very, very polite and not unruly, their teeth have no fillings, and his ex-wife used to be a dental nurse, and isn't concerned.

It's so disappointing I still love him and loved him for his close relationship and family values. He just sat there and said ok then when I informed him of the separation. It wasn't always like this.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 09/03/2023 10:07

PrincessConstance · 09/03/2023 09:59

Take the homework, for example, his eldest has been getting detentions for not completing in a timely manner, he doesn't seem fussed as they have to miss break time to complete homework. He just says she'll have to learn, he's spoken to her about it in a relaxed manner. His daughter is also ready to sit her GCSE English now in yr 7 so she's bright, I think she should work hard all of the time.
His other daughter he was concerned about has now caught up and is ready for the bigger school even though she's in yr 5.

His daughters are very, very polite and not unruly, their teeth have no fillings, and his ex-wife used to be a dental nurse, and isn't concerned.

It's so disappointing I still love him and loved him for his close relationship and family values. He just sat there and said ok then when I informed him of the separation. It wasn't always like this.

Show quote history

Sorry but I'm kinda with your partner, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. I prompt/remind mine on homework. When they were smaller it was after dinner. Now they are older it's about learning concequences.

Routines, yes we use them but our routine hasn't changed in 15yrs in regards to teeth, washing etc. Bedrooms are expected to be kept tidyish but youngest still gets help as she gets overwhelmed. So not sure what you've tried to implement exactly.

Laurdo · 09/03/2023 10:15

They're his children so it's up to him to impose whatever routine and rules he decides for them. Unless it's directly affecting you, for example if he allows them to leave mess everywhere and doesn't ask them to tidy after themselves. But why does their homework affect you? Why do you care if they get a detention?

You sound pretty uptight and the fact that he didn't hesitate to agree to a separation makes me think he finds you and your rules quite difficult to live with, despite loving you.

If the relationship is going to work you need to take a step back and allow him to parent his children how he wants to. The issue would be if you decided to have children together your parenting styles would obviously clash.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2023 10:18

But how does it affect you that they’re getting detention? This almost reads like a reverse, you’re so completely wrong to think you get more of a say than the parents.

If by “it wasn’t always like this” you mean he let you have more of a say than you should have and now he’s accepting his kids are getting older and he’s no longer prepared to put your wishes above theirs or his, well that was inevitable and is fine.

You don’t want to be with him anymore, you’ve told him, he’s happy with that, why keep picking at it? Do whatever practical things are needed to end the relationship and go your separate ways.

WandaWonder · 09/03/2023 10:21

I would say a step parent has to step on if the children are being rude to them personally, causing actual serious behaviour, stealing, swearing and slaming doors or that type of thing

If all is ok and the kids are being 'normal' there is no need to stay out of it

Starlitestarbright · 09/03/2023 10:27

Honestly your over stepping. I'm glad his putting his dc first.

SoupDragon · 09/03/2023 10:32

Hi ex-wife and her new partner and Dp are all on the same page.

I think this tells you all you need to know.

It isn't really matter of right or wrong though, just compatibility. You aren't.

excelledyourself · 09/03/2023 10:37

It sounds to me like he's getting the balance right with them.

I'm sure your approach came from a good place, but they're not feeling the benefit.

Your parenting styles just aren't compatible. That's really all you need to know. Don't tie yourself in knots over who is right and who is wrong. Worry about getting it right for your own children if you have them.

harriethoyle · 09/03/2023 10:43

As a stepmother, I cannot imagine trying to impose a parenting regime on my dsd a) at all b) particularly when their parents don't think it's required! I think you're hugely overstepping. Sounds like splitting is best all round.

Original poster
PrincessConstance · 09/03/2023 10:45

excelledyourself · 09/03/2023 10:37

It sounds to me like he's getting the balance right with them.

I'm sure your approach came from a good place, but they're not feeling the benefit.

Your parenting styles just aren't compatible. That's really all you need to know. Don't tie yourself in knots over who is right and who is wrong. Worry about getting it right for your own children if you have them.

It did come from a good place. It's correct we were ultimately incompatible. We were attempting to have a baby after he agreed to have his vasectomy reversed.
He did say let's use this time to take a step back and perhaps if I want to call in from time to time we can revisit our relationship. He also said he's never gone back once a relationship has initiated a separation.
Thanks for the input everyone food for thought.

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 09/03/2023 11:16

@PrincessConstance ultimately he and his exw are responsible for their children and the outcome. It does seem like you wanted to impose your parenting because you assume they are "better". They are just different to your rules.

That might be something you will could work on - accepting others views.