Who's in the right.

[PrincessConstance]

Dp and I are in the process of separating one of the reasons is my management of his children. We've been together 4yrs ish. When his children were younger everything was fine. Now they've gotten older the relationship between me and his children has become strained as I've tried to implement a new routine.
They all think it's too rigid.
It's caused endless arguments, and I feel unappreciated and ignored.
So I've called time, and he's agreed and thinks I've been to strict and it's ruining his relationship with his children. I think he's too slack.

Who's in the right here?

Do you have children? Are your children negatively impacted as a direct result of the routine that exists? Are you negatively impacted by the current routine personally? Is that why you're attempting to change it?

Or is it something you are trying to impose? Because ultimately, routine is the responsibility of the parents and unless there is a negative impact on you and your children, you can't just demand that someone does things your way.

You very much overstepped, OP.

It sounds for the best to separate, you have very different approaches to life.

Honestly he seems to be right and has a sensible approach to raising children. It may not be familiar to you because of your upbringing it it doesn't make it wrong.

Your dp is right - talent and hard work but I talent in a professional sport (and luck) is a major factor.

There are so many children who are hot housed through their schooling. Clever children who are pushed really hard, and in adulthood it all falls apart because they never learned how to push themselves and certainly never learned to enjoy the process.

Your DSC sound like they are pushing themselves quite well, given their grades, but have that balanced with enjoying life and sometimes chilling out and doing nothing.

This is a good recipe for future happiness and success. Your pushy style is not. It might succeed for some people, it obviously did for you, but there has been a huge backlash in countries where this rigidity has been imposed.

I usually have a fair amount of empathy for sm but honestly op I'm with your DH here.

It's always a balancing act with step parenting but ultimately you and your DP are not aligned here and I don't think you will be.

You shouldn't threaten to walk away if you actually don't want to walk away to get your way.

This is not a hill to die on, since the kids are from my understanding and what you posted are behaving quite well tbh.

It's not about right or wrong it's about balance and compromise. Not my way is right and your wrong imo

It's so disappointing I still love him and loved him for his close relationship and family values. He just sat there and said ok then when I informed him of the separation. It wasn't always like this

This is the bit you need to learn from. You've been quite childish if you ended the relationship expecting him to jump to attention and say "you're right, of course I'll change how my children are brought up because you say so".
If you loved him and his family values you'd not have been trying so hard to change them both.

Are they all living in your house then?

You said you're feeling unappreciated and ignored but it doesn't sound like you actually contributed very much of anything that was actually deserving of appreciation e.g. cooking family meals or having to clear up after the children. Sounds like you just gave your opinion on how the children should be raised but took it personally when the parents didn't agree with you.

It's massively unfair when step parents are told you must "treat them like your own," "what would you do if this was your own child" etc when it's clear that actually, like in your situation, you have no right to treat them like your own. But unless the parenting of your DSC has a direct impact on you e.g. having to live in an unreasonably messy home, and as long as you're allowed to at least voice your opinion once without being accused of disliking the DSC, then ultimately you have to accept that the balance of power will never be in your favour when it comes to decisions around DSC. It's then up to you whether you want to accept the relationship dynamics that come with dating a parent, it sounds like step parenting is inherently not for you.

I did cook family meals etc, it's just non of them appreciated that effort. That's how I feel though. He claims those tasks were shared equally. He didn't need a cleaner or a cook.
We're bickering at the moment, he says he's the parent, and the routine is his to administer or not as he sees fit. He didn't want what he calls a military schedule for either himself or his children.
His children have now been forbidden to come here to stay with him by his ex whilst I'm in the house. His youngest is fine with coming, his eldest has also said she wished not to see me again. Calling me a bully.
He's moving out in the next 3-4 weeks into his new home.

Do you have anywhere you can stay, even for a night or two, in the next couple of weeks?

Sounds like it's getting tense and there's really no reason for you to put yourself through a post mortem of the relationship. He's moving out, it's done and over. Just make the next few weeks as easy in yourself as possible.

Ah right I thought it sounded like he did more or less everything for the DC. Did he ask the DC to thank you when you cooked?

I agree with PP that there's not much point over analysing the rights or wrongs of your relationship, it wasn't working for either of you and I genuinely think you'll be happier dating a non-parent. If DH and I ever split up I would never, ever date a man with children under any circumstances.

We have small bickering flash points every so often.
I've been away for 4-5 days last week.
There's nowhere for either party to go in the meantime.
He's definitely going signed a 12 month agreement on a new property yesterday.

Neither of you, it's a difference of parenting styles and incompatibility. End of

I’m not surprised. I wouldn’t want such a poor influence around my children either.

Your views on parenting are very rigid and you may find you take a different view when you’re a parent.

I agree with your partner, you are not the parent & I would not tolerate someone imposing rigid rules on my child either particularly when there’s no perceivable need or benefit to said rules. I’m not sure what it is precisely you hoped to gain from your routine, other than the satisfaction the children were compliant? What problem did you think this routine solved?

you come off as controlling to be honest and very intolerant of the views and needs of others..

I would not let my daughter visit either.

This is starting to sound like a wind up. No one actually talks about themselves like this, it’s laughable.

I'm sorry for the end of your relationship. It sounds like it's done. Perhaps it's better and you can learn from this, have time to reflect. Now you've had some experience of parenting, you can think about this and take this into account when choosing a future partner.

I was wondering what you meant with your opening post. I thought it would be the sorts of things we do to encourage time away from gaming screens, study time, hobbies etc which some people think is too much.

I think you have massively overstepped. I am a stepmum (note not everyone who posts on this board is) and as a full time stepmum I am more involved and have a lot of say. However, I would never impose these sorts of things, particularly against their father's wishes.

Although I am curious, would you say your involvement contributed to how well Y7 and Y5 are doing academically?

In terms of the things you mentioned

• cleanliness

This is such a drama that if they are only with you part time I would be relatively laissez-faire and leave to their father (sounds like their mother is happy rather than complain standards lower at your house/Disney Dad etc)

• oldest getting detentions/not doing homework

If in GCSE years and it's happened more than twice, we would talk to them about this in a fairly firm manner. We'd also be encouraging good study habits and introducing tutors which we've found helps. So I think he is possibly too relaxed on this.

• homework every night

I think 3-4 nights out of 7 is ok and I'd rather they didn't do it at weekends (partly if our help or input is wanted!). However, one of the younger DC is about to start at a senior school which encourages every night. We will keep an eye if this DC starts performing less well, may need to up their work.

Put it this way, I would ideally like all the children to be getting 7s in GCSEs across all subjects and have good emotional and social intelligence. This would be a preference over 9s in all subjects and poor EQ. Or 9s in some subjects and 5s in others.
(Obviously not all children will be able to do our ideal! We will do our best with whatever resources we have at the time)

• pushing the Y7 daughter

I'm amazed she is ready to sit her GCSE English in Y7? It sounds like she could sit earlier but this doesn't mean she should be pushed in all subjects.

• Y5 daughter

That's fantastic. However, she's doing well top of her class presumably and if starting senior school as scheduled will start with confidence and hopefully thrive.

• Football

I know of two boys who started at the same local football team. One had full support from their family for the football including emotional and financial. The parents were pushy and focused. The other had some support but not anywhere near that. The first is playing professionally, the second had a few good years and has lost his way. I'm not sure it was the right career for either.