Who's in the right.

[PrincessConstance]

Dp and I are in the process of separating one of the reasons is my management of his children. We've been together 4yrs ish. When his children were younger everything was fine. Now they've gotten older the relationship between me and his children has become strained as I've tried to implement a new routine.
They all think it's too rigid.
It's caused endless arguments, and I feel unappreciated and ignored.
So I've called time, and he's agreed and thinks I've been to strict and it's ruining his relationship with his children. I think he's too slack.

Who's in the right here?

Do you agree with your DH that they are polite and reasonably tidy? If they aren't impolite or untidy, what were you clashing with them about?

In my opinion these are the key things you should concern yourself with as a step parent. It's important not to get too concerned about things like their school work, they have parents to be concerned about that. If you take it upon yourself and it isn't welcomed, it will always be a source of frustration from you, when actually it needn't affect you at all. Just focus on the things that affect you personally.

I think if you are someone that likes a lot of control and struggles to see things going on around them that they perceive as the wrong way of doing things, then it's probably best to avoid dating someone with children, it is just likely to be a source of conflict.

Yes you are unreasonable. You are imposing routine arbitrarily without thinking of the specific children, or WHY they needed that routine.

If one child is so many years ahead, let her enjoy her education and achievements, rather than pushing her to work all the same. She is clearly already very capable. Why turn a positive thing into something stressful?

If teeth are fine and mum is a dental nurse and not worried, surely everything is fine?

Unless you are saying the academic success and good teeth are a result of the routine?

Dp believes success academically and in sports for example is a combination of work and natural talent. He prefers talent, I came to this country with nothing and have worked my way up to a great position. He says that's great however it isn't the only way.
In my country, those that work hard to a strict routine are rewarded. A family member has 2 boys who are potentially on the path to professional football over here. Dp thinks they're too rigid in the pursuit and will ultimately be judged on natural talent and athletic ability. He thinks they need a backup plan rather than rigidity thinking hard work and incessant practice will succeed.

Ultimately he says I'm controlling.

I actually think he's right. He is putting the emphasis on mental wellbeing over achievement for his children.

Too much emphasis on success and achievement in children can result in lower self esteem and depression later in life if expectations are not met.

A family member has 2 boys who are potentially on the path to professional football over here. Dp thinks they're too rigid in the pursuit and will ultimately be judged on natural talent and athletic ability. He thinks they need a backup plan rather than rigidity thinking hard work and incessant practice will succeed

He's actually right on this. The chances of success in professional football are very very slim. Any injury or dip in performance can be career ending, which makes it even more precarious than acting. My DH has worked with professional athletes and has seen many careers cut short. Individuals can become depressed and in the case of one young lad led to an eating disorder.

There's no doubt that hard work does pay off, but it needs to be balanced against mental well being to create resilience not damage.

You’re separating now, so none of this will matter soon. It’s done now. No point in arguing about this anymore. They’re his kids and he can crack on with parenting them himself.

Dp thinks they're too rigid in the pursuit and will ultimately be judged on natural talent and athletic ability. He thinks they need a backup plan rather than rigidity thinking hard work and incessant practice will succeed.

And he's absolutely right.

He’s right. You need to stop with all the “in my country” stuff. It’s irrelevant and they’re not your kids.

I’m glad he’s putting his kids first and agreeing to separate. Your way is rigid and developmentally unhealthy.

If your parenting approaches are so different (& neither is 'right' or 'wrong') why on earth were you considering having a baby with him? He's clearly 'finished' his family, taken the responsibility for having a vasectomy and you seem to have been encouraging him to reverse the op (which is not at all straightforward) to have another child. I think he is being very sensible in reconsidering your relationship.

My DP and I have split recently for the same reason. He's not my DC's father but my God did he like to interfere. If I started to tell them off about something he'd join in. Drove us all mad. My kids are well mannered, well behaved and really quite lovely.

He was brought up in an incredibly strict household and didn't speak to his mum because of this for years. And the irony was that he wanted me to be more like his mum!!

They weren't his kids and it wasn't his place. Just like it wasn't yours.

I appreciate other cultures have different approaches but these children are in this culture and thriving. Honestly if a step parent approached my children with your views they would impact on their well being.

People are individuals we learn from allowing children to fail (safely) try again fail better. I am on your partners side, you will alienate yourself. Why not appreciate their culture and enjoy them being themselves. Why does it have to an imported culture for children half grown in a different environment? That is one way of setting up to fail.

Everything you say makes him seem more in the right.

If they were rubbing food into the furniture and leaving used crockery in the bedrooms expecting you to tidy up after them then I can see why you would want to implement new rules developed with your DP.

But to look at a family that seems, from what you say, to be functioning perfectly well and arbitrarily deciding you're going to change the rules for no particular reason and with no compromise is completely out of order.

Why do you think you should get the final say on what the routine should be? Why does your partner's opinion not count?

@PrincessConstance
You are right in that you are each making a decision that is in your own best interest, and you are seemingly making it without acrimony.

Good for you and your children @VintageThoughts Wishing you peace and happiness!

OP, it may be helpful to remember that there are man routes to the same destination, and that a thorough planner always hss and alternate or Plan B. Few things in life come with a guarantee.

You can't expect your opinion to override that of the actual parents though, even if you sincerely believe that your way is best for the children. I think you have their best interests at heart, but ultimately the parents decide on upbringing.
It's a done deal now anyway, or were you expecting to threaten to separate in the expectation he would cave to your way of doing things?

Not really no.
I just felt he wasn't listening or appreciated my efforts. Buying clothes for his girls etc.
I couldn't see a future going forward with a family of our own. He's fuming about the snip reversal.
The conflict became intense at times. Initially there was no conflict at all, as they've gotten older that's when it began. He thinks I ask too much.
We're sharing the house at the moment until he's moved into his apartment. It's relatively peaceful.

He is you are imposing something on them they don’t want or need and it is not your plsce

It depends on whether you are expected to clean up after them, find their dirty laundry, pick up their dirty cups etc let alone actually doing all the laundry, housework etc. If you are the household slave and wanting a bit of help to make your life easier I think you are right but if not the laid back approach is probably ok. But it's all academic anyway.

Even if this was the case - and she doesn’t suggest it is at all - it wouldn’t justify thinking her wishes about stuff like their homework trump what the mum and dad think.

It’s not for step parents to skivvy more than parents. It’s not for step parents to think they can dictate parenting decisions more than parents.

He's fuming about the snip reversal.

Has he had it? Why’s he fuming?

Not really. I suggested they start doing chores, which was hit and miss with them.
The youngest got on board the eldest resisted. Wanted to do it in her own time.
He always said it was a work in progress and kids don't always respond immediately.
Dp was always hands on in the house, his own previous place was spotless.

Yes he had it.
He's annoyed now he's fertile.

He's fuming about the snip reversal.

That one is definitely on him!

There shouldn’t have been conflict at all, because they’re not your kids so you get no say.

Especially not with all this rigid bollocks as though you think the only success in life is a good career.

It isn’t.

You were both very naive to think you’d be able to parent a shared child with any coherence and harmony given your incompatibility so it’s on him he had the reversal.