Potential wedding upset

[conphlicted]

I was on another thread about a wedding and not inviting step children of a BIL and it's made me think.

I'd like a step parent perspective. I am a step parent but the children are all adult so this situation doesn't arise.

I'll c&p my post from the other thread and add further context.

Me and my partner are likely to marry at some point. Probably in the next 2 years. It will be a low key wedding.

The invitation list will be - My kids, his kids, my sibling, his siblings, my grandkids and if he has any by then, his grandkids.

My brother currently has a partner he is not married to. She has a daughter I have never met. It never occurred to me to invite her to my wedding. I'd planned to invite my nieces and nephew (2 x nieces, 1 nephew) and OH nieces and nephews (he has loads as he is one of 6).

I've only met my brother's partner once (at a different family wedding ironically) and she was incredibly rude to me. When I tried to talk to her, she turned her back on me and eventually left the table we were sat at and went and sat with my brother. They left early before the evening do. This was a child free wedding and no children under the age of 18 were there. As a result none of my brothers children were there, nor was her child. My grown up kids were invited to the evening do and did attend. My partners children (also adult) were not invited and did not attend.

She does not attend family occasions, never has (my dad's 80th birthday a couple of years ago as an example), my brother comes on his own with his kids by birth and doesn't bring her daughter.

I am not welcome in their house, none of the family are. None of us have been in the house since they moved in together. Neither are his children by birth, he has to see them out of the home. This started when he and she moved in together, when he lived in his own place he saw the children every other weekend staying over.

He and his birth children have come on holiday with me and my grown up kids and my partner, the invitation was extended to him and his partner and her child as well as his children and she declined.

I don't really want to invite a child I've never met to my wedding. But now I'm thinking I should?

It was genuine oversight - I've never even met the child and I have absolutely no relationship with her.

Your wedding isn’t going to be so small that inviting the partner and daughter is going to be that noticeable. Weddings are busy, even, relatively small weddings. If your guest list was the size of an intimate dinner party, this might be a dilemma. In reality, if they attend, you will barely notice them. Not inviting them creates drama with your brother. It just isn’t worth it for the price of a couple of admittedly expensive meals. Be the bigger person. There is a decent chance they will decline anyway.

OP, I honestly don’t think anyone is upset with you.

I just think you can relax about this a bit. I don’t imagine this woman dedicates much headspace to you and your wedding (because she has never shown any interest in you). You really can invite whoever you want to your wedding and you don’t have to explain your decisions to anyone.

Have the wedding you want, not the one you think others expect.

This woman sounds horribly rude at best and is possibly controlling and mean. Banning your DB’s children from the house is unforgivable and he should have left her the minute she told him this. The fact that he’s enabling it is awful.

I can’t see the point of inviting her, let alone her daughter. Invite your brother if you have to, or just invite his children to show them you don’t support their father’s treatment of them.

I would not invite her or her child, id only invite your brother and his children, I also wonder why he stays with her she sounds awful, not letting his children in the house

You honestly won't even see them so just invite them and forget about it. You'll be too busy.

Its only important to get it right socially when people are not rude with you. When they are rude with you, you are no longer obligated to please them. And if they live far away and you never see that woman, it will not affect you in any way. Just concentrate on your own family and happiness.

Honestly no offence but you're beginning to sound like a wet lettuce now.

It was supposed to be a low key relaxed wedding and now it's not it's turned into a whole thing now and I'm worrying myself sick. What if we have forgotten someone else or offended someone else? How do we get back from this?

How do you get back from what? You haven’t even set a date yet, let alone sent out invitations. You haven’t forgotten or offended anyone, because none of this fever dream has happened yet (and might never happen).

Honestly OP, go to sleep.

Ask your brother and his birth children only.

She clearly has zero wish to engage.

I wouldn't dream of asking her to your wedding.

She doesn't like you, you get it.

Don't invite her or her child that you have never met.