Potential wedding upset

[conphlicted]

I was on another thread about a wedding and not inviting step children of a BIL and it's made me think.

I'd like a step parent perspective. I am a step parent but the children are all adult so this situation doesn't arise.

I'll c&p my post from the other thread and add further context.

Me and my partner are likely to marry at some point. Probably in the next 2 years. It will be a low key wedding.

The invitation list will be - My kids, his kids, my sibling, his siblings, my grandkids and if he has any by then, his grandkids.

My brother currently has a partner he is not married to. She has a daughter I have never met. It never occurred to me to invite her to my wedding. I'd planned to invite my nieces and nephew (2 x nieces, 1 nephew) and OH nieces and nephews (he has loads as he is one of 6).

I've only met my brother's partner once (at a different family wedding ironically) and she was incredibly rude to me. When I tried to talk to her, she turned her back on me and eventually left the table we were sat at and went and sat with my brother. They left early before the evening do. This was a child free wedding and no children under the age of 18 were there. As a result none of my brothers children were there, nor was her child. My grown up kids were invited to the evening do and did attend. My partners children (also adult) were not invited and did not attend.

She does not attend family occasions, never has (my dad's 80th birthday a couple of years ago as an example), my brother comes on his own with his kids by birth and doesn't bring her daughter.

I am not welcome in their house, none of the family are. None of us have been in the house since they moved in together. Neither are his children by birth, he has to see them out of the home. This started when he and she moved in together, when he lived in his own place he saw the children every other weekend staying over.

He and his birth children have come on holiday with me and my grown up kids and my partner, the invitation was extended to him and his partner and her child as well as his children and she declined.

I don't really want to invite a child I've never met to my wedding. But now I'm thinking I should?

It was genuine oversight - I've never even met the child and I have absolutely no relationship with her.

They have been together 3/4 years.

None of us have been in the house since they moved in together. Neither are his children by birth, he has to see them out of the home.

can you not see that it’s your brother that’s the problem OP. She sounds like she doesn’t want a relationship with you. But she’s nothing to you. Whereas your brother is the one you have the Rel with, and he’s allowing his children (your nieces and nephews) to be so disrespected

I honestly hadn't meant to exclude the child. She just wasn't on my radar because I've never met her and she doesn't come to any family functions or come to visit.

I feel terrible now that there's more I should have done.

If she was outright rude to her and you do not have a relationship with her then no I would not invite her or her daughter. Controlling and abusive partners can be both male or female and it sounds like your brother is married to one if he is not even allowed to welcome his own children into their home. Who cares what it looks like to others. Just tell the truth if asked that she has shown no interest in being part of the wider family. Is she nice to your parents?

Why are you feeling terrible. You’ve tried multiple times to invite her places and get to know her and she declines to attend to engage. Why feel bad. It is what it is.

PersonallyI think your brother needs to reevaluate the relationship if she is impacting on his contact with not only his family but his own children. I simply wouldn’t live with someone who didn’t let my children in our home. That’s terrible.

I think the idea to informally speak to your brother is a good one. It may well not be an issue and he may say she and her daughter won’t come even if invited.

certainly don’t feel bad about it though. There is a world of difference between not inviting someone just because they are a step child and not inviting someone because you have never met them and have no relationship with them. The reason you have no relationship with the step child is because her mum choose to keep herself away from the family. That’s not on you

Wtf

I will bow out

your focus op should be on your brother. Seriously, now allowing his own children in to his home. What a farce

Personally I wouldn’t invite the partner, but if you do then I think you need to invite the daughter. Chances are they won’t come anyway.

I would invite her and her daughter. Your first instinct is usually the right one.

She sounds awful though.

There’s absolutely nothing more you could have done though. Other than having a frank discussion with your brother. I’m only saying invite the child as she lives with them and it’s just one child in the scale of things. I still believe you shouldn’t invite her or the child, but both or neither. I can see why you never thought of her though. I really can’t see them accepting.

I did tell him I thought he should have his children to stay. I did say I thought it was awful that he wasn't having them.

He explained it at first as covid related and I told him he was allowed to have them to stay and he said she wasn't comfortable with that (she works in healthcare with elderly people and was worried about transmitting covid).

I live too far away to do any more than give them a place to stay in the holidays. I can't move myself and my partner and my parents and aunt and uncle to be near where he is. My job is here.

I don't know why people are cross with me. I know he's been weak not having them to stay but what am I supposed to do about that from the other end of the country?

If you invite her you should invite the step kids. I'd not invite her though.

Invite.

Op you see him hardly more than a couple of times a year
you have met her once and she hasn’t wanted any thing to do with you further
you have never met her daughter

I really don’t think this woman will be pining for an invitation to your wedding. Let alone holding out for you to invite her daughter!

you have met her once in 4 years, she was very rude and has basically refused to ever see you again or even allow you in her home.

On what planet are you worrying about her being offended you won’t invite her daughter when quite clearly she won’t want to come to your wedding in any event

As a different perspective - it is possible she has a mental health issue like OCD and or ADHD and her house is very messy. I have these conditions and while I don't ban people from our house my house unfort it can be quite messy so we don't have an open door policy and people don't drop in. The incident at the wedding she could have social anxiety which does go hand in hand with some SEN. Regardless of your wedding, speak to your brother about what is going on and maybe bridges can be built.

I supposed she could have mh conditions or conditions such as adhd or ocd.

I just feel so guilty that I hadn't thought of inviting her elder child and on the other thread people were very clear that anyone who did this was a horrible person and a disgrace and that honestly wasn't my intention. I've been up half the night worrying about it. What kind of a person am I that I'd do that. It's really shaken me that I didn't consider the child from the outset.

I am autistic myself and I have depression and anxiety and I would hope that my brother knows I'd never judge her if that is the case.

I am going to invite the child and I was always going to invite her.

I will try to reach out to her again and see if she responds. I'll also make sure my brother knows that they are very welcome and that the invite is genuine but at the same time I won't be offended if they don't come.

It was supposed to be a low key relaxed wedding and now it's not it's turned into a whole thing now and I'm worrying myself sick. What if we have forgotten someone else or offended someone else? How do we get back from this?

I wouldn't worry about what you have done wrong OP. You have tried, this woman is not interested in your family.

I don't think it even matters who you invite to the wedding. I can't imagine your DBs wife will turn up anyway.

I feel like you’re overthinking this OP. I take it you haven’t sent the invites out yet?

You don’t have to invite this woman and her child. But if you want to, you can. Once you start planning the wedding, you can make your guest list. Who you invite is your choice. What people on MN make of it is neither here nor there really.

I've been up half the night worrying about it.

about a hypothetical wedding that might happen in the next 2 years regarding inviting someone’s daughter who you’ve never met and who’s mother seems to want to have nothing to do with you and never accepts any of your other invitations?

😐

no plans whatsoever have been made let alone the invites! It’s not even definite there will be a wedding!

Me and my partner are likely to marry at some point. Probably in the next 2 years.

All this navel gazing and angst about a “probably” wedding that wouldn’t be for another 2 years anyway

this is a baffling thread

Exactly! Not sure I understand all the angst!

I'd jist stick those 2 on the guest list and have a back up 2 people to invite at RSVP decline stage

(someone who won't be offended at being "B list" - your parents best mates or neighbours - as sounds like you are local to family and they'd probably be thrilled to be invited to wedding of someone they saw grow up.)

I am autistic. I am worried about getting it wrong socially.

We are engaged (we got engaged a couple of months ago) we have not set a date yet.

I'm sorry people are upset with me.

Op the wedding seems to be giving you huge amounts of stress and anxiety already.

might it be worth having a very small wedding with your very closest family or going off abroad? I’m wondering if ultimately this stress is worth the effort. Maybe that’s not your cup of tea though. Just wondering if you need to look at an alternative wedding and something that might provoke less anxiety in you.