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Original poster

Potential wedding upset

59 replies

conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:03

I was on another thread about a wedding and not inviting step children of a BIL and it's made me think.

I'd like a step parent perspective. I am a step parent but the children are all adult so this situation doesn't arise.

I'll c&p my post from the other thread and add further context.

Me and my partner are likely to marry at some point. Probably in the next 2 years. It will be a low key wedding.

The invitation list will be - My kids, his kids, my sibling, his siblings, my grandkids and if he has any by then, his grandkids.

My brother currently has a partner he is not married to. She has a daughter I have never met. It never occurred to me to invite her to my wedding. I'd planned to invite my nieces and nephew (2 x nieces, 1 nephew) and OH nieces and nephews (he has loads as he is one of 6).

I've only met my brother's partner once (at a different family wedding ironically) and she was incredibly rude to me. When I tried to talk to her, she turned her back on me and eventually left the table we were sat at and went and sat with my brother. They left early before the evening do. This was a child free wedding and no children under the age of 18 were there. As a result none of my brothers children were there, nor was her child. My grown up kids were invited to the evening do and did attend. My partners children (also adult) were not invited and did not attend.

She does not attend family occasions, never has (my dad's 80th birthday a couple of years ago as an example), my brother comes on his own with his kids by birth and doesn't bring her daughter.

I am not welcome in their house, none of the family are. None of us have been in the house since they moved in together. Neither are his children by birth, he has to see them out of the home. This started when he and she moved in together, when he lived in his own place he saw the children every other weekend staying over.

He and his birth children have come on holiday with me and my grown up kids and my partner, the invitation was extended to him and his partner and her child as well as his children and she declined.

I don't really want to invite a child I've never met to my wedding. But now I'm thinking I should?

It was genuine oversight - I've never even met the child and I have absolutely no relationship with her.

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Boringcookingquestion · 07/03/2023 15:08

I can’t work out why you are planning on inviting your brother’s partner at all? She sounds awful.
In your shoes I’d just invite my brother and his kids.

Usually I’d say you should invite the full family unit (including both parents biological children), or just adults when stepchildren are involved, but it doesn’t sound like the children even know each other in this scenario?

Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 15:10

And your brother has never enlightened you as to why his partner is like this?

or indeed confronted her about it?

Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 15:11

I am not welcome in their house, none of the family are. None of us have been in the house since they moved in together. Neither are his children by birth, he has to see them out of the home.

does your brother have a spine?

Original poster
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:12

I asked once and he said she didn't like strangers in the house and that was the end of it.

I can't invite him and not invite her since we plan to invite siblings partners, but when me and OH were talking guest list I hadn't even thought of her daughter because I genuinely never see her and have never met her.

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Original poster
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:12

Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 15:11

I am not welcome in their house, none of the family are. None of us have been in the house since they moved in together. Neither are his children by birth, he has to see them out of the home.

does your brother have a spine?

I suspect not.

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Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 15:14

I wouldn’t be inviting my brother tbh

you are clearly not remotely close (you asked… once? 😐) and suspect he’s spineless.

No one would be rude to my children and I and be invited. And I believe that your brother is as bad as his partner

RichardHeed · 07/03/2023 15:15

I am not welcome in their house, none of the family are. Neither are his children by birth, he has to see them out of the home.
Your brother just accepts he isn’t allowed his birth children in his own home? Christ, bigger things to worry about here a wedding tbh.

But no, of course you shouldn’t invite her or her daughter. You don’t have a relationship with either of them.

Original poster
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:16

We are as close as we can be given physical distance. We speak three or 4 times a week and message most days.

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Original poster
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:17

I think I'll invite them and include her daughter and at least then there won't be a post somewhere about me bitching that I didn't include her child.

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RichardHeed · 07/03/2023 15:17

I can't invite him and not invite her since we plan to invite siblings partners
Of course you can you invite whoever you like. Why the ever loving fuck would you invite someone who is rude to you and has banned you from their home? It’s not just your brother with no spine tbh.

PotKettel · 07/03/2023 15:18

Personally I’d call your brother informally before you send the invites and say, “we are keeping the wedding low-key and just close family. So we aren’t inviting your partner’s child, as we have never met and I don’t think it would be much fun for them. I was also wondering, do you think your dp would actually want to come herself? I know she isn’t too keen on family events and I don’t want to make her feel obliged to come if she’d rather not. We are inviting sibling partners so she is welcome to come if she would like to, and we will put her on the invitation, but no pressure for her to come and you can just come on your own without her in that case,”

Original poster
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:19

I have tried with her. Loads. She's not interested. Which is up to her.

I don't have this issue with any of OH siblings partners so I am at a bit of a loss what to do.

None of his siblings have step children (yet) so it isn't something that has come up before.

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Original poster
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:19

PotKettel · 07/03/2023 15:18

Personally I’d call your brother informally before you send the invites and say, “we are keeping the wedding low-key and just close family. So we aren’t inviting your partner’s child, as we have never met and I don’t think it would be much fun for them. I was also wondering, do you think your dp would actually want to come herself? I know she isn’t too keen on family events and I don’t want to make her feel obliged to come if she’d rather not. We are inviting sibling partners so she is welcome to come if she would like to, and we will put her on the invitation, but no pressure for her to come and you can just come on your own without her in that case,”

That's a good message - thank you.

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Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 15:21

conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:16

We are as close as we can be given physical distance. We speak three or 4 times a week and message most days.

And yet you’re asked why your banned from his home… once

drpet49 · 07/03/2023 15:21

Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 15:11

I am not welcome in their house, none of the family are. None of us have been in the house since they moved in together. Neither are his children by birth, he has to see them out of the home.

does your brother have a spine?

I wouldn’t be inviting this horrible woman to my wedding.

Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 15:22

conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:19

I have tried with her. Loads. She's not interested. Which is up to her.

I don't have this issue with any of OH siblings partners so I am at a bit of a loss what to do.

None of his siblings have step children (yet) so it isn't something that has come up before.

You have tried with her loads
yet

you have only met her once?

I've only met my brother's partner once (at a different family wedding ironically)

Original poster
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:25

Yes I've tried with her loads. We live hundreds of miles apart. I added on her WhatsApp and tried to chat to her - she didn't reply.

I invited her on holiday - she declined.

I friend requested her on Facebook - she did not accept.

I suggested meeting up when I was in the area for work - my brother and her children came out for dinner with me and I took him and his kids to the zoo (on me) - she did not attend.

What more should I do?

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Original poster
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:27

What more should I do?

I've made it clear she's welcome to family events. I've offered to pay for them to stay in a hotel here because he usually stays at mine with his kids and if she isn't comfortable staying with the in laws I get that - so I offered to stand the cost of a hotel for my dad's 80th. They declined the offer and my brother and his kids came and stayed at mine.

What more should I do? Genuine question. We don't live geographically close and I've done as much as I could think of - if there's something else I should have done I'm open to hear it.

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Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 15:37

you have met her once
she was very rude to you
she wants no relationship with you or your children

there is nothing more you can do about her (although I am baffled why you’d try after your first experience of her ghastly rudeness but 🤷‍♀️ )

but what you can do is speak to your brother about how his partner is behaving abysmally to you and his nieces/nephews and suggest he man the f*ck up

Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 15:38

So you love very far away?

how often do you actually get together with your brother?

Original poster
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:43

We actually physically meet up 3 or 4 times a year. He usually comes here as this is where elderly parents and aunts and uncles are and he doesn't bring her. He does bring his kids.

I used to go to his once a year in the summer, with my kids, and my partner went once although his kids didn't come, but that has stopped as he is with this partner now and I / we used to stay over at his. (Apart from, as I said, once a few months ago where I was in the area visiting a client and extended my stay to the Sunday am and took him and his kids for dinner on the Friday night - his partner was invited and her child and she declined, and I took him and his kids out on the Saturday - again she was invited and declined).

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BungleandGeorge · 07/03/2023 15:44

if they are long term partners living together and the child is still dependent Id invite as she’s your brothers family unit. In this circumstance it all sounds very odd though. Maybe ring your brother and discuss? It sounds like his partner might not want to come anyway

Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 15:46

How long has he been with him?

Original poster
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:47

What more can I actually do that I'm not doing?

I have honestly tried. She isn't interested.

I don't want to exclude her child but I feel terrible that I hadn't thought to include them. I've messaged OH and said that we should invite the child along with him and her and he's said he's fine with that.

We are really pretty easy going and I don't want to offend or upset anyone

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Original poster
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:47

BungleandGeorge · 07/03/2023 15:44

if they are long term partners living together and the child is still dependent Id invite as she’s your brothers family unit. In this circumstance it all sounds very odd though. Maybe ring your brother and discuss? It sounds like his partner might not want to come anyway

It is all a bit odd.

He used to see us a lot more, but he doesn't anymore.

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