Step parenting challenges

[Loz2470]

I’ve been with my partner now for just over 18 months and he moved in with me last summer. He has two daughters (9 & 6) who we have two nights mid week and then every other weekend (the same time they have with their mum as they stay at their grandparents one night a week too). This is a new arrangement from when he moved in as previously he used to have them only at weekends (ad hoc) and never during the week.
They share a bedroom, and it’s decorated in the exact way they wanted it. I am currently pregnant with our baby and the nursery will be the small room but I’m starting to feel like the baby should have the larger room as she will be living there full time and will need the space. I know this is something that my OH feels strongly against (as his ex has done this at hers with her son).
Another thing I’m struggling with is the mess. Before they moved in it had always just been me and the house was immaculate. I knew when they moved in this wouldn’t be the case anymore, but I massively underestimated by how much (he also knew how much of a tidy person I was before he moved in and how mess doesn’t sit well with me). He is really messy and so are the kids and I feel like I’m at the end of my tether! I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask them to keep their room tidy (toys away and dirty washing in the laundry basket) but he turned round at the weekend and said I should go easier on them as their mother does everything for them at hers and he doesn’t want them to not want to come to us because I ask them to do stuff.
I feel like I’m at breaking point at the moment and with the baby coming along, I’m not sure how much longer I can maintain this. I’m just after a bit of advice really?

What's your preference for bedrooms?
Baby has their room and they share the small room?

Tell him that the baby is having the larger room because it's your house and you choose who goes where.

His DC have no respect for the larger room anyway. Let them have their mess in the small room.

If he doesn't like it he can move out and take them with him.

Eventually, yes. I’m not talking straight away as she’ll be in with us for a while.

Your baby won't need a room for quite a while yet so I would even think about that at the moment.

The mess is a tough one mainly because when your baby comes your standards will possible slip due to tiredness amongst other things.
But I do thing your DP is setting a dangerous precedent by not setting reasonable boundaries early on. You see it all the time with dads who are too scared to enforce rules and it's leads to bad behavior and entitlement, laziness later on, not to mention you will possibly want to parent you child differently and the time will come where they notice the difference in the way they are treated which could cause resentment between the siblings.

My advice would be a lot of conversations, be flexible and open to ideas and hopefully over time you can work out a balance that suits you both.

This really isn’t going to be easy. Even without the children, his messiness and your tidiness are going to be a source of conflict.

Think it is reasonable for the girls, who share, to have the bigger room. I’d let that go. As your baby grows up there are lots of cool solutions to making a small bedroom work.

The girls are still very young so again, to protect yourself, I would decide to let what is beyond their bedroom door be the responsibility of them and their father. No cleaning or tidying from you, but also no nagging or reminders. It doesn’t take up space in your brain; what is beyond that door just doesn’t exist for you and any problems arising (no clean pjs) is for your OH to remedy.

Save your breath and your battles for communal spaces. If your OH thinks his girls are too young to clean up he needs to do it, just like their mum does.

Sadly it looks like you have landed a Disney Dad and this will only get worse when your baby is born and he decides his girls must be compensated for only getting 40% of him compared to your shared baby, by prioritising their preferences every time he has them. I hope he is pulling his weight financially and in the house, and that you retain your financial independence.

Children don’t start playing on their own in their rooms for years. A large room is wasted on a baby/ toddler. The kids need space, they’re already having to share. I’d look at moving/ extending in a few years. Kids bring mess, your own will too, I think there has to be some acceptance of that (it happens more gradually with your own but the vast majority of people have to lower standards or pay for help)

it is very late in the day to raise these concerns!!!

I am assuming no maintenance is paid due to each parent doing 50/50?

I am sorry but you are pushing it slightly expecting kids that age to be tidy…….I mean yes they could do a few bits but not much or maybe go along the lines of getting your partner to clean up after them?

Your resentment is palpable- I feel for you - I would not have even had a baby with this man I’m afraid being a parent is a thankless task at the best of times never mind when other people’s kids are controlling your life

however you have made your bed so……….

I would leave the two girls in the bigger room - they will need space for homework desks, toys, clothes etc by two. The baby will only really be sleeping in their cot for the foreseeable future. Even then young children play with toys in the living room as they need supervision and they like to play alongside adults.

Mess wise - I am afraid you are in for a rough ride - babies bring plenty of mess. The girls are young and by the sounds of it have had a lot of changes and more to come. In this scenario I would start with one small change every couple of weeks - it will support the change and it is less likely to feel like they are unwanted - children are sensitive to change.

So perhaps their dad brings them out to pick out "cool" pop up laundry baskets - for laundry - he makes a game out of throwing the laundry in.

A couple of weeks later he cracks on with storage as half the time is they don't have an easy accessible place for everything. He can bring them to Primark and pick up a few themed baskets etc and reinforce how happy he is that they are getting old enough to help plan their space.

You both need to agree a minimum level of tidiness - it wont be what you had pre step children. Unfortunately, you went from 0 to full blown children and the trail of destruction behind while with your little one it will be a gradual learning.

My 4 year old daughter has the master bedroom in my house but still plays in my room which is half the size in comparison.. I really wouldn't be so precious about a bedroom.

What's he doing to appropriately house his three children in a way he sees as acceptable?

Yes it is shitty that his older two have become part time children in both homes, demoted to sharing a small bedroom in both because their parents both moved on without considering their needs. Their life must be chaotic with so much change and so much moving around.

This is your house, and he has decided to become a dad for the third time, so he needs to find housing he deems suitable for all three.

It's not surprising that contact increased once he could take advantage of a step parent.

He also needs to stop talking about what goes on with mum, he has no real idea of what they do/don't do at home with her, they have been separated for at least 18 months.

He and his two children moved in after 9 months. You're now pregnant and want a single baby to have a bigger room than two older children sharing?

You're in for a massive shock when your baby is born op. And your baby will not need the bigger room.

All you will succeed in doing is alienating your step kids and likely your partner as well. You need to tread carefully and maybe try thinking about someone other than yourself for once.

How about you pretend you are the step children and how you would feel about being squashed in the little room because Daddy is having a new baby that will get to see him every day and also get the big bedroom to itself.

Maybe it's pregnancy hormones or maybe you're just not a nice person generally, but your stepchildren didn't ask to be put in this situation and you making it worse for them because they won't tidy to your exacting standards is a dick move tbh.

Give your head a wobble and remember that they're only children. When you were a child, you probably weren't as clean and tidy as you are now either. They'll learn how to get better at it as they get older, like we all did.

Your expectations are too high and if you take their bedroom, I'm sure you'll feel like a prick for it in years to come when you realise what it's like to be a parent and how hard it is to get children to act how you want all of the time.

He moved in with you, this is your home. Where did he live before then? My gut is that he has taken the piss, he moved himself and his children in and they have taken over your home. I would be furious.

Why has he started having his DC more frequently? Did this conincide with moving in with you so he could pass the responsibility on to you? If he doesn't want to ask DC to tidy, he needs to do it himself. This should be his problem to deal with, not yours. Saying they won't want to come if asked to keep their room tidy is ridiculous - I also think it's manipulative and done so he avoids responsibly for both parenting and tidying.

Don't worry about the bedroom situation just yet. You're years away from your baby playing in their room.

I also think the bedroom issue is a red herring here. Your partner is the real issue. It doesn't sound like you're a team - more a you vs them situation? Had you been together long before you moved in together?

Children = mess. That is something you might as well get used to. And it never, ever ends.

Re: rooms - bigger kids in bigger room. And you are going to need to move to accommodate your DC, but you have at least a few years before that's an issue. Moving them will immediately make them feel less wanted, which perhaps they are, but literally baby has no idea if s/he is in the biggest room or a cardboard box under stairs so don't let pregnancy hormones cause you to fixate on this issue right now.

Please, PLEASE learn to unclench about mess. I am exactly the same as you, and it took me ages to accept that children aren't being dicks by not tidying - they aren't trying to defy out annoy you.

Your DP has a HUGE responsibility here to help you, and to help find a better home moving forward. After 18 months this is a very short relationship with a lot going on, and he needs to prioritise his existing children's needs. And you need a bigger house, which he has hopefully considered before impregnanting another woman.

Alternatively

”Unfortunately, OP moved a man with children in to her home after just 9 months of a relationship, got pregnant not long after and is now pissing and moaning despite making ridiculous choices far too fast”

Honestly bored of this type of post now. Where the fuck have everyone’s brains gone?!

@EmptyPlaces - but who bears the most responsibility for these two children? Their father, who has had 10 years to experience and learn about parenthood? Or his partner with no parenting experience whose house is now the home of the lot of them?

She may have been naive and hasty, but he is the problem. However he shares your view that him being their father; it is the nearest human with ovaries who should facilitate things for them and yet not actually have any say when it comes to boundaries and rules in her own house because she is not their mother. He is right that she is not their mother, but he hasn’t a problem with her providing a roof over their heads or, I’d bet, cooking some of their food or washing some of their clothes. I bet he’s not defensive about that. I wonder if he is also scrupulous about ensuring he is present whenever they are in his care, even if that means adjusting his working hours to get them ready for school and get them back and the end of the school day; forgoing gym or hobbies in the days he has them … because OP is not their mother.

The children have to come first, but that always seems to come primarily at the expense of the woman in the relationship. There is a huge gulf between the expectations of a stepfather in this situation compared to a stepmother. Quelle surprise.

Honestly. Pick your battles. If their room is a mess then so be it. You don't have to go in there. If they leave mess outwith their room then you're absolutely within your rights to ask them to pick it up or clean it. If your DP doesn't want you instructing his kids to clean up then he can clean up after them. Your DP is the main issue here and it's going to be hard to expect kids to be tidy when he doesn't exactly set a good example.

My DSSs room is always a mess and it smells because he eats in there and leaves dirty plates and empty pot noodles etc. Unless the smell seaps into the rest of the house I don't care if he wants to live in his own filth. If he doesn't bring his washing down it doesn't get washed. He goes to school with dirty shirts on because he won't do a simple task. He's currently sleeping in sheets that haven't been changed for months because he's asked to strip his bed and bring the dirty bedding down after each stay but he doesn't. My DH has spoken to him about it several times but it goes in one ear and out the other. When he's here it's his job to empty and fill the dishwasher. This is non negotiable as it is a household task that affects everyone but as far as his room is concerned, not my problem.

We have completely different rules and expectations in our house compared to the kids mum's. If they don't like the rules and want to stay at mum's then that's fine but my DH refuses to pander to his kids and raise brats just to keep them onside.

Your DP pandering to his kids and letting them leave their mess because that's what their mum does is just setting them up to be lazy and entitled. At the end of they day they're his kids and if he wants to be wiping their asses into adulthood then that's up to him, as long as you're not expected to parent them. The issue is their behaviour is affecting your happiness in your own home and DP isn't doing much about it. My 4yo DSD tidies her room, puts her washing in the basket, cleans her table after dinner etc. So his kids aren't too young to be able to do the same.

DP need to shape up majorly! You've put a roof over his and his kids heads and he doesn't seem to appreciate that very much.

I would leave the two older girls in the bigger bedroom just because there are two of them. Each child probably has a similar amount of space each and your baby will have their own room which is appropriate given the age gap and 50/50 chance of being a boy.
With the tidiness issue, would it work for you if the girls and your partner spend just 5 minutes every evening tidying the girls’ room - all toys away, dirty clothes in laundry basket. Sometimes it helps to have a small table where current treasures and sit until the next day/next visit - so not everything has to be put away completely but you limit have many games/creations is progress can be out at the same time and the floor gets cleared before sleeping every night. I think it’s also helpful to have a box where you chuck all the stuff that gets left in random places. - The sorting box or something. It lives in the girls’ room and while they are picking up toys every evening for 5 minutes your partner could be in charge of emptying the sorting box.

To be fair, you (both) have moved stupidly quickly here.

The two sharing need the bigger room.

And within reason, should be able to treat it as their room which may mea toys being left out.

Partner should be sharing the load of keeping on top of the house.

I think the compromise needs to be that if he doesn't expect them to tidy then he needs to do it for them. Moving into your home and being messy, and allowing his kids to be without sorting it himself, is taking the piss. He needs to change this, you need to put your foot down. Tell him it is damaging your relationship with his kids and he needs to step up.

I think the bedroom set up is most likely correct. It makes sense for the two sharing to have the larger room and the lone child to have the smaller one, assuming you're not finding that the two DSC don't have that much stuff at yours whilst the baby has loads and none of it will fit in the little room. That was the case with my DSC and DD. He had the larger room and it was, by necessity, full of DDs stuff, as she had so much more at ours. So it wasn't working. But that's less likely when there's two vs one, and as others have said, it'll probably be a good 4 years before the baby uses their room for more than just sleeping. I will say though, if you plan to have more children down the line, this set up will need to change.

It’s not easy being a stepparent, but doing it before you’re a parent is extra difficult I think. People say you know what you’re getting into, but how can you? No one knows what it’s like to be a parent before they are one, let alone a step.
How come the time spent in each home has been changed? Is it because you can now accommodate it for their parents? Don’t be a walkover, they aren’t your responsibility. Make sure your oh is the one looking after them, cleaning up after them, paying for them etc.
The room situation it does make more sense the 2 get the bigger room.That said, if it’s your house it’s your decision. You are probably nesting and trying to make space for your baby. You will want them to have everything. But really a baby doesn’t care, so try not to stress. If yous are planning anymore yous may want to consider moving.
You need to consider these girls as they are vulnerable kids in a difficult situation. However they also aren’t your kids, so don’t let your oh guilt you into treating them like they are when it suits him, and not when it doesn’t.

You’ve moved very fast, but you know this.

The room thing is a non-starter; they’re bigger, there’s two of them, and your house is their home, not somewhere they just spend the occasional weekend.

The messiness is a problem with your partner, not the girls. Implement a no food or drink in bedroom rule, put their laundry basket in the hallway and shut their door! Get a couple of storage cubes for downstairs and everything left out goes in it. Set specific tasks for your partner and you, and if you’re doing most of the general tidying then he can do more of the big tasks like lawn-mowing and cleaning cars.

Be kind to yourself, it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed going from living alone to in a family of almost five.

Your post rings out with your resentment of these children. I think you should break up. It is totally unfair on these girls. You are not established enough in your relationship to be even thinking of a baby. You have not sorted out basic cohabiting, or step parenting. The last thing you need is a baby in the mix.

I appreciate that you are already pregnant, so it is too late for common sense to prevail. You need to accept that things will not be ideal for your child, asyou did not put in the groundwork to set things up well.

What should not happen is that the two children who are already here be disadvantaged further. They already only see their dad half the week, have had the upheaval of a new household foisted upon them in a very short timel and now a new sibling. There is no concern for their well-being here. You want to signal to them that they are lesser by taking their room. They already share. The baby will already be privileged by having their own room.

It does not sound like you want these girls. Spare them that and cut heir dad loose.