Step parenting challenges

[Loz2470]

I’ve been with my partner now for just over 18 months and he moved in with me last summer. He has two daughters (9 & 6) who we have two nights mid week and then every other weekend (the same time they have with their mum as they stay at their grandparents one night a week too). This is a new arrangement from when he moved in as previously he used to have them only at weekends (ad hoc) and never during the week.
They share a bedroom, and it’s decorated in the exact way they wanted it. I am currently pregnant with our baby and the nursery will be the small room but I’m starting to feel like the baby should have the larger room as she will be living there full time and will need the space. I know this is something that my OH feels strongly against (as his ex has done this at hers with her son).
Another thing I’m struggling with is the mess. Before they moved in it had always just been me and the house was immaculate. I knew when they moved in this wouldn’t be the case anymore, but I massively underestimated by how much (he also knew how much of a tidy person I was before he moved in and how mess doesn’t sit well with me). He is really messy and so are the kids and I feel like I’m at the end of my tether! I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask them to keep their room tidy (toys away and dirty washing in the laundry basket) but he turned round at the weekend and said I should go easier on them as their mother does everything for them at hers and he doesn’t want them to not want to come to us because I ask them to do stuff.
I feel like I’m at breaking point at the moment and with the baby coming along, I’m not sure how much longer I can maintain this. I’m just after a bit of advice really?

I'm going to disagree with most posters and say that expecting a basic level of tidiness is not unreasonable. I imposed certain rules when my husband moved in with me and his kids started staying. Their mum is similar to your stepkids mum and does everything for them, and her house is very untidy. But we have different rules here and the kids know that. Not imposing rules on them because your husband is worried that they won't come any more is a cop-out at best, and Disney-dadding at worst.

Is everyone missing the point that this man moved into her home, then brought his dc in and the 3 of them have turned the place upside down? I know if a man has dc they come as a package, but its his responsibility to house them, not ops. It must feel like an invasion.

I think that maybe my post has been misinterpreted. Yes, stepparenting is hard but there is definitely no resentment towards the girls, I love them to bits and do everything for them (wash, cook, clean, get them ready for school). I have said to my OH that I will not be able to continue with this once our baby arrives and therefore by asking the girls to do things like put their clothes away etc will help (they do both get decent pocket money each week too). But thanks to those whose responses have made me feel like utter shit and even worse than I already did, glad to see we have each others back!!!

Why are you the one doing all those things? You are doing yourselves no favours there, your DP sounds incredibly lazy. The vast majority of their care should fall to him.

Oh OP - do you really think he's going to step up once the baby's born? You're already doing everything for his DC? Why? Why are you doing this?

Lots of posters aren’t slamming you, you’ve fallen into a very common trap. While it’s lovely you’ve taken on everything, can’t you see that that shouldn’t happen? Not because you’ve done wrong but because they have their father and he should have been doing that. How often do you think a woman moves into her boyfriend’s house with her two children and he starts doing all their washing, cooking and care? That he gets them ready for school? It didn’t seem bizarre to you because society is still deeply sexist, your boyfriend didn’t object because it relieved him of all the grunt work associated with having children. He’s not grateful though! And it hasn’t “earned” you any credits when it comes to a vote on rules and boundaries in your shared home…

You now have a harder job on your hands to rebalance things, and it’s unfortunate because having started on the wrong foot, retreating from where you find yourself can so easily be painted as you having no interest in the girls now you are having your own baby ☹️

The blame primarily lies with society and your boyfriend. I said you may have been naive and hasty, and I stand by that, but you are far from being alone and it doesn’t infer that you went into this situation with negative intentions.

Pick your battles carefully. The room change would be a mistake. Perhaps you can explain to your boyfriend that you realise it was a mistake for you to take over so much parenting. They have two parents. Instead you want to focus on doing quality, fun things with them.

Let him cook, clean, wash, nag and ferry them around. Think about what would make a good step-father and emulate that. Engage with them, talk to them, do the fun bits, insist their dad keeps mess in communal areas to a minimum and clears up after them.

Honestly OP, you’ve never been a step-parent before but this is such a familiar situation to people who have been around the block. Sadly.

Please listen to this.

Do you think he’s too crap a dad to manage these basic parenting tasks or have you chosen to take over?

Why have you taken on so much when you’re pregnant or were planning to be?!

They’re his kids. These are his jobs.

Whose idea was it to have them more when he moved in? Was it agreed on the basis that you’d be doing all the extra work?

I have two SDC and live with them 50% of the time. I also prefer a tidy house and DP works nearly six days out of seven every other week, as well as longer hours than me so it’s a struggle to convince him it’s important and equally that it’s important for the kids when he wants to enjoy time with them not spend it by mithering them to clean their room.

With some training you can, without Dad’s involvement, get them to put things away. Routine helps. E.g. if you’ve come home from school, bag goes here, coat goes here, shoes in the box. Laundry goes in the laundry basket and so forth.

You don’t actually need Dad’s permission for that, you just need to make it clear to the kids that if you do this, it means we can do that (together). With ours they’ve worked out they get more playtime if they’ve done their chores and so they just do them.

But you will need to drop your standards. I don’t fret if the kitchen is tidy, the dishwasher is loaded and the bathroom is clean. Toys everywhere are inevitable and putting them in a smaller room just means that they will spread. I point blank refuse to hoover or tidy the kids bedrooms because they leave stuff everywhere, so Dad does it, gives them a telling off, they keep it tidy for a bit. It is chaos after a couple of weeks.

Your own children will have toys, playmat, bouncers, whatever - downstairs and you’ll need to adjust to it. Life with kids is chaos about 75% of the time. The rest is when they’re in bed. You can use this to your advantage, DD can you take your Lego upstairs so that the baby can’t swallow it - kids seem to understand harm and consequences like that better than just ‘your shit is in my way’. Kids here know if they leave lego out it’ll go up the hoover, so the treasured items get put away.

What you need to work on with your partner is partnership. Who will do X, who will do Y, and what that leaves. What that leaves is the stuff you will do if you’ve got the energy or will learn to live with if you don’t.

if you can’t live with it, everyone else will be miserable.

declutter all toys and clothes before baby comes, make things as easy and as obvious for the kids to put away as possible - show them what you want for the first few times, praise them.

but honestly, it’s hard enough trying to work, do pick ups, cook dinner, homework, reading, bath, bed. Without adding show home standards into it - you’ll set yourself up to fail and you’ll be upset by it.

do everything for them (wash, cook, clean, get them ready for school)

Why?? Why is their father not doing this?

I despair. Why have you taken everything on? Actually I can tell you why. Desperation. Women do this to show these useless men how amazing they are, how kind they are and it ALWAYS backfires. He has moved into YOUR house and telling you how it will be? Nope. He is telling you that you are going to have to put up and shut up about the mess in YOUR home? Nope. Grow a backbone now or you and baby will be bottom of the pile. He has landed nicely on his feet and can see how much you will put up with and take on so he will not change. However, If you chose to carry on then you need to slap a smile on your face and crack on. Your DSD's and baby do not deserve to live in a house filled with resentment so learn to live with it.
Oh and pay no attention to the "you need to get used to the mess" I have two children and a husband who more than pulls his weight and we both work full time. Our house is never messy or chaotic. My kids tidy up after themselves at the end of the day, my husband and me tag team everything else. I was never prepared to martyr myself because I saw growing up and still do, that it only ends with a knackered woman doing everything.

Nobody loves you more than a man who needs a place to stay.

So he didn't have his DC as much before moving in with you because either his own home wasn't suitable or he couldn't provide childcare for them.

Moving in with you has solved both problems.

What's in it for you OP?

There's a lot of comments about moving into HER house. I moved with my partner into his house with my kids too. That's after we had agreed we would both sell ours and buy a new joint home, however, but then decided it made more sense to move into his and extend.

We were both clear though that it would become OUR house from this point with my paying 50% of everything.

It's possible OP abd her OH had a similar agreement.

I do agree though that it sounds like you've taken on the role of the main care giver to his girls. Why?

He should be tidying up after them, if he doesn’t think they should, because their mother does everything for them. Disney dad should follow suit.

I feel for you OP as I have been in a similar situation.

My DH has three other children and we have our DS. I have a four bedroom house and 2 of my bedrooms are allocated to his children. The youngest (9) stays EOWE and the other two (13 and 16) rarely stay.

DH has said that we can't have another child as they'd be no room and he feels that it would really affect his kids if we did.

I completely understand why you'd like your child to have the largest room, I totally get it. The reality is your child won't realise they have the smaller room until maybe age 6-7.

By that point, your SC will be 15 and 11 so perhaps won't be staying as regularly so you could then look to move rooms.

I think you need to explain how you feel to your DH. It sounds like the house is yours and you've welcomed the SC into it which is very gracious.

Yes people will argue you knew they came in the 'package' with your DH but we never really know exactly what we're signing up for when we first get together.

Woah. In 18 months this man has managed to move into your home, allocate basically all of his parenting duties to you, simultaneously undermining you when you actually try to parent (yes, the kids should be tidying up after themselves), and is now dictating who should have what room - in your own house, for your own child? Who does he think he is.

This is such practical advice. I can see it working - as long as your partner commits to it (and doesn't given in to the whole 'they don't have to do it at mums....' line of thinking). Making it a source of fun and responsibility so they feel important is a great solution!

I feel for you, it's a really tricky situation and so much is out of your control. We tried to implement house rules, that everyone - including kids - sat down and agreed. The kids really impressed me with what they came up with. We had 10 rules in total. What I found though was I had no agency to enforce those rules (e.g. bed made) or the agreed consequence. Ultimately, that was up to the kids' dad (my husband) and he didn't really want to enforce them because it meant he missed out on doing fun things with the kids. I personally think the kids were just testing the boundaries and if he had held firm for 3 weeks we would have all come out the other side! Instead my partner chose to pay lip service to the rules and clean up after the kids himself- I guess in his mind keeping everyone happy with no conflict.

There is some really practical advice about how to help the kids/ dad with tidying. The treasure table (brilliant) and the sorting box (this really worked for us) - I definitely found one of the problems was the kids didn't have accessible storage and their dad had no idea where to start, so me providing some tips did get the process moving and helped with the mess. As did shutting the bedroom door - which pp have also suggested!

The other piece of really helpful advice is you need to set boundaries and firm ones. Initially- work out what is really important to you. Write it down. Work out how you will maintain those boundaries ....practise happily saying e.g. 'oh xx has left their shoes on the stairs - you better go sort that out' . Then communicate the boundaries.

I think you need to implement these changes before bubs comes. Also, doing so much for the kids is not as great as it seems. Sofa and Annelovesgilbert give practical and experienced advice! I have found it really helpful to follow what they say.

It is so hard! It is a really steep learning curve. Be patient with yourself!

Firstly congrats on the pregnancy :)

I used to tidy DSD (age7) bedroom until I got fed up of constantly doing it so now I turn a blind eye and shut the door. Eventually DP and DSD tidy it or DP asks DSD to do it as part of the bedtime routine. Honestly looks like a bombs gone off most of the time.

DSD also has bigger bedroom and rightly so as we lived here before DS was born. Who knows if eventually he will move into the bigger bedroom. Times change things and as DSD gets older the less toys she will likely play with and may be happy to downsize as she may not have as much stuff. But this is something that you really don't need to be thinking about anytime soon!

I don't see a problem with asking the girls to tidy up after themselves. I will happily get DSD to take her stuff upstairs if it's not being used, shoes and coats away, plate to the sink ect. She is lovely though and likes to help anyway!

You do need to set boundaries though. I feel into the trap of doing way to much so took a massive step back. It really helped and we have found a good balance.

I think there will be a bit of an issue if all of OH's parenting choices are reactive in response to how DSC mum is thought to be parenting.

As DSC are with you half the time, it would be perfectly fine for them to have different expectations at yours and at mum's.

I'm not saying that they need to be super tidy. But as they spend half their lives with their dad, their dad needs to be thinking about proper parenting! Not just not bothering as he is still thinking of mum's as the 'main' parenting household...

What a miserable and damning post to send to a pregnant woman!

Just because the house is messy and the family hasn't totally adjusted to the new contact pattern yet and the larger parenting role for dad this implies, does not mean they are doomed!

It's probably also relevant here for PP to realise they are expecting OP to treat SDC better than their own mother - who HAS moved them into a smaller room to accommodate a new child! So OP was only considering a choice their own mum has already made...

That is not why though. She does not like his children, she is not prioritising the welfare of his children. They might not be doomed, but this is horrible for his girls and they would be better off without a step parent who is only interested in her own child.

You’ve moved in together very quickly especially as he had kids already. Now there’s another baby on the way already and arguments about rooms. So sad for all the children involved in situations like this.

I do think the 2 kids sharing need the bigger room. But in all honesty, I’d tell him to move out and slow it all down. It’s a mess.

If they share they need the bigger room. I know what you mean though as it's similar here. I think of all that space just wasted between visits but it's the fairest way

Those poor children.