Step parenting challenges

[Loz2470]

I’ve been with my partner now for just over 18 months and he moved in with me last summer. He has two daughters (9 & 6) who we have two nights mid week and then every other weekend (the same time they have with their mum as they stay at their grandparents one night a week too). This is a new arrangement from when he moved in as previously he used to have them only at weekends (ad hoc) and never during the week.
They share a bedroom, and it’s decorated in the exact way they wanted it. I am currently pregnant with our baby and the nursery will be the small room but I’m starting to feel like the baby should have the larger room as she will be living there full time and will need the space. I know this is something that my OH feels strongly against (as his ex has done this at hers with her son).
Another thing I’m struggling with is the mess. Before they moved in it had always just been me and the house was immaculate. I knew when they moved in this wouldn’t be the case anymore, but I massively underestimated by how much (he also knew how much of a tidy person I was before he moved in and how mess doesn’t sit well with me). He is really messy and so are the kids and I feel like I’m at the end of my tether! I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask them to keep their room tidy (toys away and dirty washing in the laundry basket) but he turned round at the weekend and said I should go easier on them as their mother does everything for them at hers and he doesn’t want them to not want to come to us because I ask them to do stuff.
I feel like I’m at breaking point at the moment and with the baby coming along, I’m not sure how much longer I can maintain this. I’m just after a bit of advice really?

Hey,

Congratulations on your pregnancy, what an amazingly exciting time. Enjoy every moment.

Your post has been misinterpreted and my gosh I am so sorry to read some particularly disgraceful replies. In particular @Snugglemonkey. What a vile and rude poster? Honestly, toxic and cruel. I can only assume this poster is hurt, and hurt people hurt people right?

It does sound like you do everything for your step children and whilst this feels good and kind, it makes things difficult for you and only you. As your partner has learnt to expect it. He's not lazy or a Disney dad.. but you have made it easy for him.. out of love I guess or perhaps you are just a good person. Either way it has to change.

Rooms - tread carefully here. You LO won't need their own room for many many years. Let your step children enjoy their own space and acknowledge that whilst a new baby is wonderful, for them it's huge and there will be emotions that nobody can anticipate. Drop the worry about the room for now and enjoy your LO being with you and then having a nursery.

In terms of the mess, you need everyone's support. Your house and your life changed the moment you let these children in. Learn to accept it and find ways eg chores/ tidy ups and storage boxes etc to deal with it.

You've got this. Being a new mum when you are already a step parent or your partner has children (don't want the Mumsnet word police all over me) is SUCH A HARD GIG. But you've got this.

Xxx

Oh the Dad is absolutely the problem too, but OP has just added to the issues with her piss poor life choices and now wants her step children to suffer due to it. Not cool.

With two parents who don't teach the girls to tidy after themselves, and their mum already getting them to move, I am not sure it is OP who is overlooking their welfare!

I wonder if mum and dad have fallen into a trap that is all too familiar to me. I think sometimes when children have 50:50 it becomes easier for parents to treat contact time as fun time, so children are treated more like guests and not taught taught some of the basic life skills like tidying up etc. I think that is lazy/guilt driven parenting, and not actually good for children who do benefit from learning a bit of responsibility and life skills. This is not the OP who is doing this, but this is impacting the OP.

I also do think it is unfair that OP is doing so much for SDC, yet is not allowed to expect anything like basic manners e.g. not leaving everything for OP to tidy. OH should teach his children life skills and respect, how else does he expect them to learn these things!

I do think the room thing is a bit of a red herring. On the face of it, it makes sense for the two girls to share the bigger room, and baby to have the smaller. But I think the real underlying issue is the imbalance between what OH expects you to do for his children, and what he is actually doing for them and you himself!

Exactly. These children are not being prioritised or cared for effectively by any of the adults in their life. I feel very sad for them.

I'm not going to comment on the other aspects but in terms of mess, welcome to being a parent. For at least the first six years, children are walking piles of mess. Your own child will be the same.

Children don't use their room to play in etc until 3/4 years so I would leave the room issue for now plus you don't want them to feel pushed out with the baby. As someone else said I'd shut the door on their room and leave them and dad to it . And yes it's reasonable they help out. Is it a coincidence the arrangement changed when you were able to'be mum'?

It's your house and you get to decide. If he doesn't like it he can move out and find another woman to provide a home for him and his kids.

Put your foot down.

That is not why though. She does not like his children, she is not prioritising the welfare of his children. They might not be doomed, but this is horrible for his girls and they would be better off without a step parent who is only interested in her own child.

Assuming OP is happy in her relationship (which is a question in itself because the DP here sounds like an issue) you are expecting her to leave, breaking up her own child's parents, just because you feel the girls not having to live with a step parent whose main priority is (naturally) their own child should take precedence. Even ignoring the fact that objectively I'd say your parents being separated is a bigger disadvantage than the above, it's just not realistic to expect her to throw her own child under the bus to make that sacrifice.

It's unreasonable to give the older girls the smaller bedroom. I feel this is not going to go well, poor kids.

Keep the baby in the small room. I've got 2 kids. They don't have toys in there rooms, other than some teddy's in their bed. Toys are downstairs, as that's where they'll be playing with them.
Don't push the oldest kids into a small room.

Ffs, he certainly saw you coming. Looks like you've landed yourself a lazy Cocklodger with kids

I am astonished at this situation. This man moved into your home, brought his two children, allows/expects you to do all the donkey work for them, then insists they cannot possibly be asked to keep their bedroom tidy in case it upsets them.

Seriously OP, why are you doing everything? Where was Dad of the Year living before he moved in with you?

The bedroom switch is the least of your worries here. Your partner needs to step up, do the chores, parent his children and support you as part of a team. Otherwise, what is the point of being together?

The OP does not need to prioritise children that are not hers. They have two parents to do that. She needs to prioritise her own child and herself because no one else will. I have no respect for any woman that puts other people's children before her own for the sake of a man.

It totally makes sense for the two oldest to share the bigger room, although I know it must seem unfair to your DC. Baby won’t care or notice for several years.

Ignore some of the commenters on here. I’ve learnt that some people on here are clearly looking to just tear people down.

You wanting what’s best for your baby, doesn’t make you a bad stepmom or that you resent your stepchildren.

It’s not your job to clean up after someone else’s kids. That’s DP’s job. I fell into that trap and was exhausting myself working FT, running a business and then a household with three step kids who have the inability to clean-up after themselves (they’re all mid teens) Same story, Disneyland Dad and a BM who does literally everything for them, no boundaries or accountability. Do yourself a favour and take a step back from making it your problem. It’s their mess and it’s on DP to clean up after them. The moment you disengage from that, he’ll step up and start doing it and will quickly start teaching his kids how to tidy up after themselves.

I no longer do more than the basic tidying up after SK’s. I’ll clean their rooms, but things like glasses and rubbish left stay in there for them to sort or my DP. Yes it can get frustrating walking in and seeing a pile of dishes in the sink and food waste left over the surfaces and around the bin, but I leave it like that. As hard as it is, learn to turn the other cheek

Look - The girls should have the bigger room, because there’s 2 of them and it isn’t really “bigger” when they’re sharing.

You really need to assert some firmer boundaries (for your own sanity, long term) around the amount of parent work you are doing as well. Their dad needs to actually parent his older children. I’m not suggesting any sort of unkindness towards the girls, and I don’t think for a second you would be, but some clear communication with your partner is needed here. He will see a vast improvement in his relationship with his girls if he engages with them properly, even if he doesn’t currently perceive there to be an issue.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

The two kids sharing should have the bigger room. There is two of them and they will have more things.

The dad should also be doing more than what he is too.

I completely understand where your coming from with regard to rooms and would feel exactly the same. However; baby will be in with you for 6 months ish and tbh from previous experience with my older son, they don't need a bedroom to play in etc until they at least 3 as they can't manage the stairs alone etc, maybe revisit in a couple of years? Although by then; they older and need more room.
On the other hand there is 2 of them. How small is the small room? My son had a cabin bed at the age of 4 with all his toys under etc and he loves it.

This is an unacceptable situation for you op. He is disrespectful to you and to your home. Its his job to house, feed, cook and clean for his children, not yours. Your responsibility is to your child; you and your child come first, your partner and his children are guests in your home and must work around you.

OP,

Kindly meant but you are a mug.

This loser and his children saw you coming.

Within 18 months he has you fulltime skivvy aupair for HIS children.

He does nothing.

Of course he has you pregnant to cement the arrangement.

What on earth were you thinking?

He's a lazy user loser and he's in YOUR house.

Don't make things worse and marry the loser.

Your life is going to be so much harder with a baby and instead of having a lovely time with YOUR baby, you will be skivvying for him and his children.

So sad.

There are so many threads where women bitterly regret your situation and within a few years are gone.

The lucky ones never married and just told the men that they and their children need to leave.

The unlucky ones married, and have all the complications of divorcing and possibly loosing their house.

Of course you being single and solvent with a career and home were of huge appeal to him.

Lazy losers love a woman with a home they can move into with their children and get her to be the skivvy aupair.

Don't marry him.
Keep your full-time job.

Keep your family and friends close.

Things with a new baby are so busy, but very very hard when you have allowed a loser to make a skivvy out of you in your own home.

God love you and your low self worth to have allowed this to happen.

Apologies if what I have written is harsh but you desperately need to wake up and see this situation clearly.

Step kids don’t speak to me. I feel uncomfortable in my own home. The youngest literally uses my other half for money and has no respect for either me him or his family. The mum does not communicate and lets her get away with it

Thank you for this post.
I've recently had my own child and, whilst it has in no way changed the love I have for my step son, it's introduced some interesting struggles to the relationship between DH and I.
I'm suddenly aware I only have so much energy/capacity, and that my DD should get the best of that, including advocating for her in situations where it can sometimes feel DH is on the other side/forgetting he has two now.

DH has been brilliant, as has DSS, and we're navigating the changes well...but oh lord is it HARD! So many unforeseen challenges despite our planning/preparation.
Your post made me smile to know others understand the struggle x

Stop doing everything for the kids. Start teaching them how to do things themselves. They can put their washing in the machine and turn it on. They can learn the best way to hang it out. The can start to learn to cook.
Start helping them to do instead of doing for them.

This ^ only applies if he is paying half the bills, 60% of the food and doing all HIS children's washing, cooking and school runs.

Otherwise, it's your house, and you need to think carefully about what YOU want.

So you r partner has moved into your home, has delegated his parenting to you, and you are now pregnant to this loser. Awesome.

Leave the two kids that have to share in the bigger room for gods sake.

Or kick out your loser DP. How much is he contributing financially given he is 3/4 of the household?

This could have been me writing this a few years ago.

It's really hard, but as others have said, pick your battles. Save this for much later as it doesn't need to be addressed now. Your baby won't need their own, bigger room to play in for many years and by that time, things could well have changed with your SDs, as in they'll be older and may want to spend less time with their Dad, come separately or anything else that could give more allowance for a bedroom swap.

If you make them take the small room now, you're going to make them feel absolutely awful at a time they likely already feel very insecure with a new sibling on the way. This could be irreparable for your relationship with them and your relationship with DP.

The mess thing is shit, but you need to stop doing it all for them. As hard as it is, you need to teach them a few things. My SDs didn't know how to use hangers properly because they put everything in drawers at their mums. Sounds so basic, but they were actually struggling rather than being lazy. So I gave them fun little lessons in hanging, bed making etc. They've improved a lot, but kids are messy! If I find their stuff scattered around the house, I'll put it back in their room and shut the door.

It doesn't seem like it now, but you will care 100 times less after the baby is here. Good luck.