Any child psychologists or child experts that can help me and DP support his daughter with becoming a sibling?

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Hello,

Just wondered if anyone with a background in child psychology, or even supporting children through trauma, could advise on how to handle this….

Recently my 11 year old DSD was told about my pregnancy (I’m almost 18 weeks now). Her dad told her when they were hanging out, I was in the bedroom room tidying, sorting washing etc. She didn’t take it well: she got extremely upset and angry. Shouted that she didn’t have a dad anymore, and so on. She went back to her mums. She then didn’t talk to her dad (or me) for about five days and didn’t go to school that week (one day was the teacher’s strike to be fair). She said she wanted to kill the baby, and/or herself. Later her dad went round to try and reconcile and it sort of worked (to an extent). I then saw her soon after that, and she was so-so with me, not unfriendly (general chit chat etc.)

Then for half term break my partner took her skiing as planned and she went to ski school for five days. They had a great time and it felt like a bit of progress was made. She was curious, asking questions, but at the same time starting to make demands about how her brother will be raised.

Since they’ve been back it’s been up and down. Sometimes she’s curious and interested and asks her dad to share the pics of the scan to her friends. That’s really nice. She refused to go to her swimming lesson the other night, saying she was tired, she had done her ballet class the night before, but then wouldn’t go to bed until just before midnight. Other times asks me quite loaded/ spikey questions like “how many women die in child birth each year?” “How many babies die in Labour?” “Will he be disabled?” (I’m quite sensitive to this question because my brother has autism which is very profound). That’s fine, I’m the adult so I can deal with this.

What I’m really struggling with though is her demands about what we call and how we raise the baby, this aspect is difficult to deal with for me. Ok maybe I’m too thin skinned and I should thoughen up, I accept that…She sent a message to her dad, before blocking him(?):

Rules for boy that MUST be followed, or else I’ll commit suicide:

1. Not having an xx name (a name specific to my partner’s native country)
2. Not learning xx (the language of my partner’s country - she speaks this language and wants to maintain an exclusive “secret language” with her dad)

3. Not boning [sic] with father (she means bonding)

4. The ring doorbell has to be connect to my phone (my note: I have no idea what this one is about)

5. I always have to keep first place

AND [my name here] HAS TO AGREE TO THIS OR I WILL KILL MYSELF.

She’s also said on another occasion her brother can’t learn violin or piano, the instruments she learns (actually she’s given up the piano now - but I used to play the violin and was very good at it, grade 8, so makes sense if my son picks it up too, and his dad plays the piano so I would imagine he could be quite musical, if that’s what he wants).

I know why she feels this way - I am understanding and empathetic as I can be to her given this seismic change and her world being turned upside down, she has no other siblings and is used to her life being the way it is and doesn’t want it to change - so not looking for explanations, just wondered what I can practically do to support her: listen, try to understand and validate how she feels without going too far the other way. I know my partner and I need to think long term, big picture etc. but I don’t want to be emotionally blackmailed by an 11 year old. Also, I don’t want to come across as trivial, but choosing a name is quite important to me, I don’t want it to be an ordeal (ok, ordeal is slightly hyperbolic, but you probably know what I mean). Pregnancy itself is already a lot.

I know we need to tread very carefully for a peaceful resolution that everyone is happy with. Any child psychology experts, or people that work with children that can weigh in and advise?

Also for a bit of background, I’ve been with my partner since the start of 2021, we struck up a connection in 2020 (covid year) and he split from his ex wife in 2019, but their marriage was troubled and mired in conflict (so I’ve been told by only one party). I think his exW then regretted pushing for the divorce (be careful what you wish for I suppose). Things have moved fast so this is probably contributing to DSD’s general anxiety. I was introduced to her in Nov 2021 and we got on well form the beginning, she embraced me and we enjoyed spending time together (holidays, family weddings, weekends where we go out for food, etc.)

Thank you

PS in preparation for becoming a parent myself I’m reading lots of parenting books to set myself up for motherhood and to learn how to be a good / decent step parent :

• The book you wish your parents had read…
• How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
• Parenting for dummies
• First time parent

I am shocked. I have two preteen DSDs (11 and 9) and two baby/toddler DDs who are their half siblings.

If either of my DSDs has said anything remotely similar I would not have allowed them near the babies. This is shocking. The child clearly needs therapy. You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and feel safe as you navigate motherhood.

This one's for your DH and her mum to resolve, keep yourself and child safe OP.

She needs therapy and it can’t wait. Dad should spend the weekend making a list of potential private therapists and start making phone calls on Monday.

this is well beyond a diy situation and waiting for some school based play therapy that is going to turn out to be wholly inadequate is just going to let this get even worse.

He should clear times and availability of the child with the mother, but he needs to be prepared to rearrange his schedule to facilitate the actual appointments.

This sounds like such an unhappy situation. honestly I think the adults involved have been irresponsible to create it after such a short amount of time and can completely understand her feelings. Her father in particular should have thought about the impact of all this on his child However her reaction is extreme and I think you are doing the right things by encouraging therapy etc.

I think she will need a lot of reassurance that her times with her dad won't be forgotten. I also think you both need to manage things carefully when baby arrives, e.g. not planning that she isn't welcome there for the first week or whatever nonsense some seem to go with. I'm not saying you will, but actions like that exclude her from the family unit and will make her feel like an unwanted extra.

No, the situation is not ideal, but I think it is lovely that you are putting so much effort into helping her and lots of thought as to how to make the best of it for all of you.

Really bad advice, you do know that young children frequently saw outlandish statements to get attention. Are you aware of just how common that kind of language is with young people?

Rather than therapy I’d start with both parents bringing in their boundaries right in and stop the hysterical behaviour. There appears to be absolutely no evidence of any MH concerns that would indicate ending to attend “a hospital “
For clarity this is my area of work.

@RobinRobinMouse you can understand her feelings? She needs to be there the first week? Oh please!

OP focus on YOU and your baby when your child is born - the first week is yours. Don't pander to this nonsense.

Let DH and DSDs mum sort this one - that message has gone beyond anything you can do now. It sounds like you've been a wonderful stepmum and you don't deserve this. I would start detaching now. Friendly and welcoming when DSD comes but that's the rest is for her parents to worry about and sort out.

Enjoy your pregnancy best you can.

Thanks for your kind words. ❤️

This girl has had 4+ years of her fragile family falling apart. Dad brings his latest girlfriend along to her birthday party, as a low pressure intro (not). Five minutes later the new girlfriend is pregnant. Sounds grim for the kiddo.

New girlfriend disregards the childs fears and tries to get her labelled as psycho kid. If the dad goes along with that then, great, he can ditch his first born with justification.

By saying the girl will be history, there may be some desultory ongoing contact, but there is every risk that the relationship withers.

The OP is one of the adults here. She can totally manipulate to make the ex wife's child look bad and her shiny new family more appealing by comparison. Or OP can show some compassion for a child who has had her insecure world threatened by her father sailing off with a new family.

I have to wonder with comments like this what you think the OP is doing to misconstrue her behaviour. She's given specific examples, including a message from DSD herself. Unless she's making the whole thing up, she's not manipulating things, and if DSD looks bad then she's made herself look that way. OP didn't actually call her a psycho, but at a certain point you do have to actually acknowledge behaviour in a child rather than just assume somebody else must be manipulating things.

Thanks for a lot of these comments, I really appreciate evetuen taking the time.

I don’t have a background in psychology or anything like that so I wouldn’t label DSD, or any child or adult, with anything. Also don’t they say that children cannot be diagnosed with psychopathy? So definitely not appreciate in this context.

She does have a lot of positive aspects too. I’m just zoning in on this particular issue and where I’ve observed similar examples and flashes of anger.

I think she is quite caring, she’s quite good at consoling her friends when they’re down or disappointed. Recently she made a new fiend on her ski trip and on the final day her friend came last in a race so DSD was trying to cheer her up and make her feel better. I think she did a similar thing with her friend/ classmate (the one involved in the party incident) when she came last in a swimming race. She was very protective of a Ukrainian boy in her year and made sure he was ok (her mum is Russian so she speaks Russian which was handy seeing as her Ukrainian schoolmate had no English to begin with). Stuff like that. We were on a ski trip Christmas 2021 (I wasn’t skiing as I don’t ski) and one night I had the worse period pains, I ended up crying alone in the bedroom and I the morning she had left me a little note to say she hoped that I was feeling better, stuff like that…

How is a ten year old supposed to emotionally process her father’s girlfriend who she has seen twice being at her birthday party with her friends? It’s not exactly a slow introduction at her pace. And when she wanted to leave to go somewhere she felt more in control (her mum) she was not allowed. And this outburst is the example of her ‘meanness’ being there all along?
This is clearly a distressed child, if she is already in therapy at ten years old. I am guessing her mum knows this if therapy has been arranged. What does her mum say? How often does DSD stay with you and is it by agreement or court order? How much say does she have over whether she comes or not?
I think the poster who said right at the start of the thread that your DP sees his DD out of your house is right. She needs therapy and she needs space she feels safe. You also don’t need to deal with this situation when you are pregnant.
DSD’s parents separated when she was what, six? Then there was the pandemic which caused many children a lot of stress. Then her dad had a new partner and now a baby on the way.
I would give her time and space to just be with her own therapy in place without thinking you need to ‘fix’ her or rushing her into family therapy.
That’s just my view. She needs someone trained to help her and not in the complex dynamic of a half-sibling arriving.

No advice but just want to say what a lovely, well balanced person you are OP. I can imagine how nasty/terrifying/sensitive some of this is to you at what should be a happy time & I think it's lovely you want to help your step daughter despite all she has said. Good luck with baby & her xx

What trauma???my god she goes skiiing with her farther, they are close! That reaction is not normal for a kid her age. Either seek help or run to the hills xx

Excellent advice. If only all children could be taken skiing and remove all trauma from their lives.

This whole nuclear family is affecting so many children differently. Some thrive. Some don't. Unfortunately broken families are becoming the norm. Behaviour and emotional issues for children is getting worse.

Judging by this thread people are not seeing it. This child is 11. There is no normal.

What strikes me is that you, the newest adult in the scene and not a parent to this girl, are putting so much effort into this. Her own parents sound incredibly wrapped up in their adult relationships: with each other, with other people (including you), and all presumably on top of jobs / friends / pandemic restrictions during the break up / a house move for at least one parent / etc.

The girl must have whiplash from all the upheaval in her life. And, it sounds to me that her parents haven’t met her where she was and is, they’ve just given her whatever they can manage in the moment. There doesn’t seem to have been a long term perspective to their parenting of her during a turbulent time.

She needs her parents. They don’t have to be together - but they need to parent her properly, jointly. There’s room for more children, a bigger family, lots of love and joy. But right now it’s like she’s looking for steady ground but all she’s finding is shifting sands and she’s panicking, yelling loudly for help. It’s not on you to do anything other than allow her parents to do what they need to do for her, and support her father in this endeavour (and ideally her, although she shouldn’t need it with two actively involved parents).

Well DSDs world has been turned upside down , you only met in 2021 which was covid time it's now early 2023 and you are 18 weeks pregnant. The kid is 11 and used to being an only child , they need to go for counselling it's a hell of a lot of change for a child. I would have DH having contact without you in the picture for a while. She will come round to the idea when she sees her relationship with her DF won't be negatively impacted by a new sibling. A therapist will also assist with this.

Hello again,

Sorry to resurrect this thread but I think I’ve just made a bit of blunder and I feel a bit rubbish about it.

DP says his DD is just making a scene, but basically this evening DSD asked her DP to sign over his seaside property to her when she is 16. Reminder that this is the tiny house that he owns with his brother, located in his native country. His brother has three children himself. DP says no, she’s not entitled to what is fundamentally a family home that belongs to everyone so stop asking, the answer will always be no. DSD keeps arguing that she should get it because she’s the only one that really cares about it (I mean, she’s not wrong she does really love it and only her dad, grandma and her go there I think) so therefore it’s hers by rights and her mum agrees with her (DP’s ex wife) though DP reckons this claim is a fib/exaggeration.

Anyway, DSD then says that “obviously stupid can’t go to [name of place] because I go there and it’s my house“ . She’s never called her unborn brother (or half brother as she prefers) stupid before (that I know of) and probably my reaction will make her do it all the time from now on but I took the tv remote out of her hand as she was just switching it on (gently, don’t worry) and I told her (calmly) that she can’t call her brother/half brother
that name. I also asked at 16 how she would pay for the upkeep at that age and the local taxes are a lot, plus paying for other costs etc. Says her mum will pay, hence why her mum thinks she should have it. I was just trying to explain it would be impractical anyway.

It’s because she got upset at the thought of her new sibling (one that she doesn’t want and never asked for, I know) going to her special place hence this name calling. But that’s what I did in the moment. DP says that wasn’t very clever of me, I know but I really don’t think it’s right for her to say something like that and for such ideas to calcify.

I said that families do things together - as a family - and hence her half brother will be going where his family goes. So she called her mum and tried to negotiate going home (she only got here this afternoon and her dad had been playing computer games with her all afternoon so she doesn’t want for attention and naturally that’s how it should be). Mum is out anyway so she can’t leave even if she wanted to.

DP sent her to her room for time out. He’s in there now and it sounds like they’re friends again which is good.

Wish I hadn’t have heard this conversation and wish I hadn’t reacted.

Anyway, not sure how to recover things now…

OP

it sounds like she needs a psychiatrist…

Im going to gently say that it’s a lost cause to have grown up conversations eg about inheritance, with a child.
A response could be: ‘I am your Dad I will always take care of you.’ Or 'adults get to make these decisions, you are a child and this isn’t for you to have a discussion with me about'
Calling the unborn baby stupid - just ignore this. It’s a bid for attention. An obvious and childish one at that.

Draw a line. You were feeling riled by her ridiculous demand and her insulting your baby so you rose to it and got involved when you’d have been better off leaving the room and leaving her dad to deal with it.

It’s done, it wasn’t a huge deal and it’s not worth dwelling on. Next time, and there’ll be plenty, just think la la la in your head, trust DP to handle her and walk away.

I promise you that as irritating or hurtful you find these outrageous statements now, it’ll feel a million times worse once your baby is here. The primal urge to protect him from even things he can’t understand but that you find hurtful will shock you.

Use this time to build and practise coping strategies.

@SeulementUneFois I think she sees the school therapist regularly and I think she might be getting proper play therapy soon. Her mum is a psychotherapist, I’d like to think she could apply her knowledge for what’s next and maybe she does?

@Flowersinmai thanks yes, that’s sound advice. Can’t really get involved there as it’s nothing to do with me really. I guess it’s about what it represents which is troubling.

I know, it’s so obvious too I’ve been an idiot.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Use this time to build and practise coping strategies.

Thank you

You’re not an idiot! Stop giving yourself a hard time. You’re dealing with a really awful situation, you haven’t done anything wrong, honestly, and you’re probably hugely on edge and anxious about how things are going to play out. Anyone would be!

I had sleepless nights when I was pregnant about how things would be with my DSC and a baby and I had none of this to deal with on top.

You need a mantra, or a handful of different ones to bring to mind depending on the situation. Some breathing exercises, a quiet place to go and punch a pillow if need be, a nice walk to go on. Whatever works for you.

I really feel for you. I found your OP genuinely terrifying, it made me feel panicky and nauseous tbh, I’m not sure how you’re as calm as you are.

Don't worry op, you haven't done anything wrong, sorry - trauma or not, she has issues and sounds like a nightmare atm ! Hopefully once her baby brother is here she will see he isn't a threat, just an innocent baby in all this and he will absolutely adore her as younger siblings always do!!

OP, you sound really nice and empathetic. If you can afford, can I suggest you find a therapist just for you? This is an awful lot to be dealing with on top of your pregnancy and becoming a mum. I think it would really help to have a supportive space where you can talk it all through and get your feelings off your chest.