Blended families: help me think of a way for this to be less exhausting?

[Stepmum45]

Complex blended situation here. Problem isn’t kid related really but relationship related. I’m finding our blend just exhausting for below reasons, and want to cut it back but without upsetting anybody, OH or our kids.

I have one kid, 50-50 amicable with my ex. I met my OH 2 years ago. He has 2 kids and when we met was in the process of wrangling in court with his ex wife over her moving out of London to the Kent countryside. Ex got her way and she and the kids moved to Kent and he followed. My OH was determined for me, my kids and his kids to be a blended family anyway. He also has 50-50.

I can’t move to Kent, tho OH would dearly like me to, because my kid is very happy in school and being round the corner from dad.

So what we’ve done for last 9 months is travel between my London house and OH new house in Kent, either with the kids in tow on our access weekends and school holidays, or OH and myself swapping nights at each other’s places when we don’t have the kids. Lots of driving (by OH, as due to a disability I don’t drive) and lots of extra commuting.

I was really anxious about our traveling convoy arrangements unsettling our children. But Kids, 3 boys 7-10, insist they are all happy as long as we are all together. They have their own nice bedrooms at each house. We have £ to throw at the situation so plan weekends where we eg go to a theme park or Go Ape or go-karting somewhere between both houses. Kids very active anyway. Not homebodies.

But I’m exhausted!

It’s not just the weekends of constant home swapping that feel tiring. Because OH and me really wanted to live together we’re also trying to replicate that on the weeknights and weekends we don’t have our kids.

My OH is a lovely man. My kid adores him, his really love me. We’re a great little family.

But….I work full time in a finance job in the City of London and when I’m staying at OH’s place during the week it’s a 4 hour round trip to work and back. I also have a chronic condition that causes fatigue. I sometimes suggest he stays more at mine which is much nearer to both our workplaces, but he says understandably it’s important to him that we split our personal time ‘together’ at both houses so he can be in his home as well as mine.

I have given up hobbies and interests I used to do in the weekday evenings that used to increase my energy levels. I did yoga twice a week, for example. I have a group of friends I used to have dinner with every Friday.

But when I’m traveling to and staying in this rural part of Kent I will get there after work it’s 830-9pm and then up at 530 to go back into the City. On top of all the extra traveling and organising at the weekends to keep us and the kids together I’m finding it all too tiring.

What should I do? One option I suppose is to c

I know how you feel as it’s similar to what me and my DP have been doing in order to slowly blend families. However, we have an end goal of moving in together and have steadily increased time spent all together at either house. We also only live a short distance (less than 30 minutes) from each other, but still feel the exhaustion of not being home enough or able to get housework done without rushing about as we only have a short amount of time to do it. Honestly though, we still don’t spend every night together and understand when we’re just too tired to travel or want to stay home and potter about. We can’t wait to live together full time, but if there was no end point for us (some time this year is the plan) then this would be completely unsustainable. You need to scale things back, particularly the week travel.

I’m doing much better, thanks all.
The DP has agreed we should not be seeing each other 4-5 nights a week with all the rushing around. He came to my place twice this week when we didn’t have kids. We went to the cinema and out for a meal. Last weekend we both had our kids and had them separately at our respective homes. They had their own local play dates/sleepovers. We’ll get together as a group once a month or so but we’re both going to prioritize our own energy levels and our kids’ local lives. It’s such a shame we can’t all live together. We would all love that. But with need to live near our exes in 2 different places that’s not going to happen.

How do you plan to blend the families @Tiredtiredtired100 ? Does it mean kids moving schools?

I think you have to accept this isn't working. I would either move to Kent or end the relationship.

Oh good OP that sounds much more doable. Glad to hear that he is listening to you.

@Stepmum45 as my youngest was preschool when we made the decision, no. I have put him in a school which is in between us and he can continue to attend when we move. As a teacher I have also moved my job to be in that area. All these steps have been part of our process of steadily getting ready to blend and mean that schools won’t need to change for the kids. My DS’s father is not involved at all so I also don’t have to factor him into the situation, but in yours I would not have moved my daughter away from a father she saw regularly and who loved her - I don’t think that would be beneficial and so any blending in your situation would be very difficult to achieve. Obviously it’s right that your partner doesn’t want to live far away from his kids, but why would he then expect you to move to his area when this would be taking your child away from their father?

Crazy.

@Stepmum45 I'm going to be a bit negative here but here goes. I have dd 17 and dh has 3 ds - 23, 20 and 17. Dh also maintains a house 90 minutes away, as that's where his ex lives & we decided to do like you and your dp. However, even though his dss are all older now, the precedent has been set and now they refuse to budge and will not come to stay with us despite all three of them having cars. Dh STILL spends eow & part of the week with them and I spend a huge amount of time alone.
Now, I knew this was how it was going to be at the start, but I had NO idea it would be let run like this as they got older. Dh is run ragged and honestly if he doesn't start growing a backbone I cannot see us lasting. I love the man dearly but I'm not prepared to spend the rest of my life away from my husband. I may as well be single.
Be very careful as to how this type of thing pans out as in my experience it is the dc who end up with all the 'power'.
I was foolish in that I didn't push for a definitive 'living together full time' date, and now the dss are determined dad will have no life of his own.