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Original poster

Blended families: help me think of a way for this to be less exhausting?

58 replies

Stepmum45 · 20/02/2023 09:04

Complex blended situation here. Problem isn’t kid related really but relationship related. I’m finding our blend just exhausting for below reasons, and want to cut it back but without upsetting anybody, OH or our kids.

I have one kid, 50-50 amicable with my ex. I met my OH 2 years ago. He has 2 kids and when we met was in the process of wrangling in court with his ex wife over her moving out of London to the Kent countryside. Ex got her way and she and the kids moved to Kent and he followed. My OH was determined for me, my kids and his kids to be a blended family anyway. He also has 50-50.

I can’t move to Kent, tho OH would dearly like me to, because my kid is very happy in school and being round the corner from dad.

So what we’ve done for last 9 months is travel between my London house and OH new house in Kent, either with the kids in tow on our access weekends and school holidays, or OH and myself swapping nights at each other’s places when we don’t have the kids. Lots of driving (by OH, as due to a disability I don’t drive) and lots of extra commuting.

I was really anxious about our traveling convoy arrangements unsettling our children. But Kids, 3 boys 7-10, insist they are all happy as long as we are all together. They have their own nice bedrooms at each house. We have £ to throw at the situation so plan weekends where we eg go to a theme park or Go Ape or go-karting somewhere between both houses. Kids very active anyway. Not homebodies.

But I’m exhausted!

It’s not just the weekends of constant home swapping that feel tiring. Because OH and me really wanted to live together we’re also trying to replicate that on the weeknights and weekends we don’t have our kids.

My OH is a lovely man. My kid adores him, his really love me. We’re a great little family.

But….I work full time in a finance job in the City of London and when I’m staying at OH’s place during the week it’s a 4 hour round trip to work and back. I also have a chronic condition that causes fatigue. I sometimes suggest he stays more at mine which is much nearer to both our workplaces, but he says understandably it’s important to him that we split our personal time ‘together’ at both houses so he can be in his home as well as mine.

I have given up hobbies and interests I used to do in the weekday evenings that used to increase my energy levels. I did yoga twice a week, for example. I have a group of friends I used to have dinner with every Friday.

But when I’m traveling to and staying in this rural part of Kent I will get there after work it’s 830-9pm and then up at 530 to go back into the City. On top of all the extra traveling and organising at the weekends to keep us and the kids together I’m finding it all too tiring.

What should I do? One option I suppose is to c

OP posts:
BadSkiingMum · 20/02/2023 09:14

This is madness. What would happen if you stopped?

ijustneedanamefgs · 20/02/2023 09:20

You can’t keep this up and your oh is wrong to expect you to. He might like the idea of you at his house, but he needs to accept you have health issues and he’s the one that moved. He wants it to seem like you live together, but you don’t, can’t and won’t be able to for the foreseeable. He can’t honestly expect you to move there and do on your childs father what his ex done to him. I surprised the courts allowed it tbh.
Cut back on when you see him to weekends, or he does much more of the travelling. You are going to end up resenting him, or burn out. You also need a life outside the relationship.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/02/2023 09:22

How old are his kids? Trying to see if there’s an end date to this.

CornishGem1975 · 20/02/2023 09:26

That is not sustainable at all.

CountTessa · 20/02/2023 09:26

Explain spoon theory to him.... you only have a set number of spoons and these get used up by all the excess travelling.

It would help considerably if he could compromise on weekday travel.

KindlyKanga · 20/02/2023 09:26

I have given up hobbies and interests I used to do in the weekday evenings that used to increase my energy levels. I did yoga twice a week, for example. I have a group of friends I used to have dinner with every Friday. you need to start doing these again

OnaBegonia · 20/02/2023 09:29

He's being quite selfish, his boys don't live with him, yours do, why can't he travel to you when he's child free? all the work is coming from you. Knock it on the head and put yourself and your child first, you've known him 2 years and you're incredibly enmeshed.

PennyForearm · 20/02/2023 09:30

Seems like you’re the one giving up everything, because it’s “it’s important to him that we split our personal time ‘together’ at both houses so he can be in his home as well as mine.”

What about what’s important to you, your health, your hobbies, your yoga, your friends, your down time after work.

Why are his wants more important than yours?

aSofaNearYou · 20/02/2023 09:30

It sounds like it's all about what's "important" to him - usually something notional that makes him feel like he has a conventional nuclear family,l - and no regard for how it's actually practically affecting you.

I think you need to say "I'm sorry DP but you chose to move away, as a result you need to accept seeing me less or doing more of the travelling if you want the relationship to work, because I am too exhausted trying to do things your way".

It sounds like he is motivated by trying to make things nice, but he's actually being quite selfish and blinkered in the process.

Ndd135632 · 20/02/2023 09:32

I did the same with a big global job during covid with partner in another EU country. Hellish. Kent London with no covid is ok. You either suck it up or split up.

Cuppsoupmonster · 20/02/2023 09:35

Fucking madness, how on Earth have you allowed this to happen?

My dad got together with a woman who lived 3 hours away and we were dragged over there every other weekend when he had us. I hated every second, not just the travelling but having to spend half my weekends with her relatives who I barely knew.

Just stop and let your poor kid spend some time at home

Codlingmoths · 20/02/2023 09:37

Are you also travelling weekdays?? No, you can’t do that!

2crossedout1 · 20/02/2023 09:37

This is not right, OP. He's prepared to put his vision of how a family should look ahead of your hobbies, your friendships and even your health. Either he genuinely doesn't realise how much this is affecting you or he is not a kind man Sad

Also, the kids may be fine with it now, but believe me they'll feel differently in a couple of years (I have three teens). When they're at secondary they'll want to hang out with their friends at weekends.

Ndd135632 · 20/02/2023 09:42

In the end it all depends how important this relationship is for you. You either have to live with this for a few years or split.

SwordToFlamethrower · 20/02/2023 09:49

Doesn't seem workable to me at all.

Orangeis · 20/02/2023 09:51

Why on earth have you given up on hobbies, sleep, energy to do this? You get to his at 10pm and leave again at 5am, what meaningful time do you have together? Why are you traipsing your dc back and forth and eating in to any time you have with them?
This sounds like absolute madness, just to keep a man happy.

aSofaNearYou · 20/02/2023 09:53

Ndd135632 · 20/02/2023 09:42

In the end it all depends how important this relationship is for you. You either have to live with this for a few years or split.

Why do you keep saying this? Compromise exists, you don't have to just put up and shut up with one person's approach.

Cornelious2011 · 20/02/2023 09:57

It's not feasible really to confine like this. You need to re-evaluate the relationship, as everyone has different needs and priorities.

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 20/02/2023 11:18

For housing/logistical reasons for the first year we were together DH used to live in Herts from our central london jobs. It was knackering and involved a lot of early mornings... and that was without any kids or other complications or health issues. I couldn't do it now I'm older and have kids and am iller. You'll need to live together halfway between the two locations I think.

NewNameNigel · 20/02/2023 11:26

This is absolutely ridiculous!
You need to put your foot down otherwise you will burn out.

I sometimes suggest he stays more at mine which is much nearer to both our workplaces, but he says understandably it’s important to him that we split our personal time ‘together’ at both houses so he can be in his home as well as mine.

This stands out to me. Why is your health not important to him? Especially as your house is nearer to his work than yours!

You'll need to live together halfway between the two locations I think.

I would actually advise against moving in with a man who is happy for your to make yourself ill and exacerbate a chromic health condition. This is not how a loving partner behaves.

MumOf2workOptions · 20/02/2023 11:33

KindlyKanga · 20/02/2023 09:26

I have given up hobbies and interests I used to do in the weekday evenings that used to increase my energy levels. I did yoga twice a week, for example. I have a group of friends I used to have dinner with every Friday. you need to start doing these again

I agree
You'll need these friends if this ridiculous set up goes belly up which it may well do

UsernameNotAvailableNow · 20/02/2023 11:38

The stress of maintaining this will send you to an early grave. Just stop.

Sounds like you, your DC and your ex have a good thing going. This is rare and to be applauded. You are under absolutely zero obligation to prioritise someone else's batshit arrangements into your lives.

Viviennemary · 20/02/2023 11:38

There is no way round this as far as I can see. Oonly solution is one of you moving or seeing less of each other. But it would seem more practical for him to come to your house more but he isnt prepared to do that. Seems a bit selfish.

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 20/02/2023 11:41

Were I you I think I'd base myself at my own house in London during the week and just have weekends at his/yours. If he wants to come in to London mid week then all the better-but if not, weekends it is until the kids are old enough to relocate one way or another. Maybe at secondary school level you all move to somewhere in the middle of your two houses now so the travel is split evenly.

We are a blended family. When DH and I first met we lived 45 minutes away from each other. My kids in school and their dad being in one town, his at school and their mum being in another. We chose a town in the middle of the two (which we dont really love but it worked for commutes for everyone), 25 mins to school for mine, 20 for his). Dh can get into London for work easily on the train and I got work locally in the hospital instead of the hospital on the other side of the county nearer where I originally lived.
That worked perfectly until dh's ex wife decided to move 50 miles and an hour and 15 mins away-but that's another story!

I think you is it have to Accept you won't see each other every night for now and review when the kids are older. It's no fun if
Everyone is knackered and unsettled.

Ragwort · 20/02/2023 11:42

You must be mad, why are you doing this? When my (now) DH and I first met we lived miles apart and just met up on alternate weekends. That way we both kept up with our own hobbies, friends etc and shared the travelling.

This is totally unsustainable... I can't understand how an intelligent woman would accept this .. are you so desperate to have a boyfriend? Just put a stop to the endless commuting .. have the occasional weekend all together. Don't put your own health at risk because this man is 'determined to have a blended family'. Hmm. Why do his wishes outweigh your's? And if he knows you have a chronic health condition how dare he expect you to do a four hour mid week commute just to have sex?