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Original poster

Blended families: help me think of a way for this to be less exhausting?

58 replies

Stepmum45 · 20/02/2023 09:04

Complex blended situation here. Problem isn’t kid related really but relationship related. I’m finding our blend just exhausting for below reasons, and want to cut it back but without upsetting anybody, OH or our kids.

I have one kid, 50-50 amicable with my ex. I met my OH 2 years ago. He has 2 kids and when we met was in the process of wrangling in court with his ex wife over her moving out of London to the Kent countryside. Ex got her way and she and the kids moved to Kent and he followed. My OH was determined for me, my kids and his kids to be a blended family anyway. He also has 50-50.

I can’t move to Kent, tho OH would dearly like me to, because my kid is very happy in school and being round the corner from dad.

So what we’ve done for last 9 months is travel between my London house and OH new house in Kent, either with the kids in tow on our access weekends and school holidays, or OH and myself swapping nights at each other’s places when we don’t have the kids. Lots of driving (by OH, as due to a disability I don’t drive) and lots of extra commuting.

I was really anxious about our traveling convoy arrangements unsettling our children. But Kids, 3 boys 7-10, insist they are all happy as long as we are all together. They have their own nice bedrooms at each house. We have £ to throw at the situation so plan weekends where we eg go to a theme park or Go Ape or go-karting somewhere between both houses. Kids very active anyway. Not homebodies.

But I’m exhausted!

It’s not just the weekends of constant home swapping that feel tiring. Because OH and me really wanted to live together we’re also trying to replicate that on the weeknights and weekends we don’t have our kids.

My OH is a lovely man. My kid adores him, his really love me. We’re a great little family.

But….I work full time in a finance job in the City of London and when I’m staying at OH’s place during the week it’s a 4 hour round trip to work and back. I also have a chronic condition that causes fatigue. I sometimes suggest he stays more at mine which is much nearer to both our workplaces, but he says understandably it’s important to him that we split our personal time ‘together’ at both houses so he can be in his home as well as mine.

I have given up hobbies and interests I used to do in the weekday evenings that used to increase my energy levels. I did yoga twice a week, for example. I have a group of friends I used to have dinner with every Friday.

But when I’m traveling to and staying in this rural part of Kent I will get there after work it’s 830-9pm and then up at 530 to go back into the City. On top of all the extra traveling and organising at the weekends to keep us and the kids together I’m finding it all too tiring.

What should I do? One option I suppose is to c

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 20/02/2023 11:42

He is a selfish fantasist isn't he?
Maybe 1 week end at his place 1 at yours. 1 apart...
Your dc need time with just you in their own home imo..
And holidays.
Term time week days at own homes.

Ragwort · 20/02/2023 11:46

What happens if you just say (on a child free evening) .. 'I won't be coming to see you, I would like a quiet night in on my own/meet up with friends/go to yoga'. Does he expect to see you every child free evening? He sounds needy.

FlowerPows · 20/02/2023 11:50

You have a health condition and he is happy for you to risk your health to facilitate exactly what he wants, he is not even a bit lovely.

ChateauMargaux · 20/02/2023 11:52

This is insane.. enjoy the time you do have together, but do it less often. There is plenty of time to build a relationship when you are not exhausted and travelling between two very different locations.

You can still be a blended unit, seeing each other when it fits your schedule and that of your children. In the teenage years, your child will want to be near his friends and you will want to be on hand, even if he spends more time away from home, activities and interests become increasingly important.

You are running the risk of burnout if you have a chronic disease that causes fatigue. Don't give up your friends, your hobbies and your interests.

TheGold · 20/02/2023 11:58

No way would I be doing this, not even for the most amazing man in the world. My child, job, health, friendships and sanity would come first. This is all just too much.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 20/02/2023 12:31

OP - Imagine you woke up tomorrow and you were living happily in the perfect situation....

What does that look like?

Starting from here might help you prioritise what you want....

Good luck x

Hooklander · 20/02/2023 12:39

I feel really sad just reading that.

closingscore · 20/02/2023 12:58

No way would I do that, you're burning yourself out. If it makes no commuting difference to him staying at yours when he doesn't have the kids, he should do that.

winterpastasalad · 20/02/2023 13:08

Why was he so adamant that you be a blended family from the start? It sounds like he wants someone to help him with his DC. Take a step back OP, say its the doctors orders to slow down. This isn't healthy for anyone.

MeridianB · 20/02/2023 15:06

ijustneedanamefgs · 20/02/2023 09:20

You can’t keep this up and your oh is wrong to expect you to. He might like the idea of you at his house, but he needs to accept you have health issues and he’s the one that moved. He wants it to seem like you live together, but you don’t, can’t and won’t be able to for the foreseeable. He can’t honestly expect you to move there and do on your childs father what his ex done to him. I surprised the courts allowed it tbh.
Cut back on when you see him to weekends, or he does much more of the travelling. You are going to end up resenting him, or burn out. You also need a life outside the relationship.

I agree with every word of this. It's unsustainable.

He had a choice to stay in town and presumably his ex-wife could have done some of the travelling to support contact as she moved away. It feels very one-sided at the moment. I'm not convinced children of these ages would enjoy such peripatetic lives, either. It sounds exhausting and unsettling.

You need to put yourself and your son first, and the logistics with your DP need to completely reflect and support your health needs.

B0g · 20/02/2023 15:11

‘I also have a chronic condition that causes fatigue. I sometimes suggest he stays more at mine which is much nearer to both our workplaces, but he says understandably it’s important to him that we split our personal time ‘together’ at both houses so he can be in his home as well as mine.‘

I bet it’s important to him. What a pisstaker he is. No boyfriend on earth would see me driving for hours, making myself ill and losing out on friends and hobbies just to facilitate his sex life. Prioritise your child. S/he has no need to be made to travel so long each month just for your boyfriend.

Napmum · 20/02/2023 16:11

As others have said, this just doesn't feel sustainable for anyone, let alone someone with a health condition.

I suggest you go back to yoga, and either he stays over at yours more during the week, which is closer to his work. Or you just see each other slightly less during the week. Many couples make this work. It isn't ideal, but you need to prioritise your energy levels and also have your own social life. Otherwise, it is emeshment

B0g · 20/02/2023 16:48

I meant to say prioritise your child and your health and hobbies. Who does it benefit and centre, with you and your kid shuttling back and forth? Certainly not you or your child.

Floofydawg · 20/02/2023 18:31

Sorry but no man is worth that level of disruption to your life. It sounds like you're the one who is doing all the compromising and giving up your other interests. I wouldn't be up for that at all.

Emmylou22 · 20/02/2023 18:33

To echo everyone else, this is unsustainable. This is not a healthy long-term way of life and I think you need to sit down with him and talk about what you need to make things better. If he isn't willing to compromise, he's not the one for you.

Incidentally, what if his ex decides to move again. Is he going to continuously follow her all over the country? It's tough being away from your child, but he can't keep uprooting his and your lives.

Guavafish1 · 20/02/2023 20:50

You'll have to see each other less or split. This is unsuitable.

littlefireseverywhere · 20/02/2023 20:53

These feels a bit bonkers. I’d suggest he comes to you one night a week, then you’re together at weekends, wherever that is. Would that work? Otherwise you’ll end up being ill!

littlefireseverywhere · 20/02/2023 20:55

Also, go back to yoga & seeing friends as that’s important too. He also needs interests away from you too.

SandyY2K · 21/02/2023 00:14

@OnaBegonia

He's being quite selfish, his boys don't live with him, yours do, why can't he travel to you when he's child free?

They both have 50/50 of their respective kids.

Coffeepot72 · 22/02/2023 19:30

I sometimes suggest he stays more at mine which is much nearer to both our workplaces, but he says understandably it’s important to him that we split our personal time ‘together’ at both houses so he can be in his home as well as mine.‘

So he could make things easier, but chooses not to?

WGACA · 22/02/2023 19:37

Don’t ditch your friends.

NoSquirrels · 22/02/2023 19:37

he says understandably it’s important to him that we split our personal time ‘together’ at both houses so he can be in his home as well as mine.

It’s not understandable at all, actually.

He’s forced a commute on you for no good reason. And you have an illness exacerbated by fatigue.

Spend your blended weekends how you like. Spend your childfree weekends how you like. But for the love of your own health, put your foot down about mid week being only in London. And have a Friday night with your friends sometimes too, and a child-free Saturday lie-in alone for good measure.

maryofthevirginkind · 22/02/2023 19:39

Just see less of each other, especially during the week. You need to concentrate on your own health for the sake of your DC.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 01/03/2023 14:20

How are you getting on OP?

Decorhate · 01/03/2023 14:32

Do your weeks with your dc coincide? If they do and you both have the same week without children then he should do the travelling if he wants to see you on a weekday night. It does not make sense for you both to commute from Kent those weeks when it is a longer journey. I’d maybe do the odd night but not a whole week.

If money is no object then get taxis.

It’s not sustainable to try to spend every evening together with the distances involved. And I would definitely not be doing that at the expense of friends & hobbies. It sounds claustrophobic

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