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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepdaughter a nightmare

69 replies

Pastmyprime70 · 14/02/2023 12:31

Please help! I have been with my fiance 9 years. Only fly in ointment is his daughter, who is 23. She currently has a 4 year old (split up with the Dad) She is constantly on the phone asking for money etc. The Ex has his daughter every weekend fri 9am to mon 4pm. My partner has to act as go between for these visits. His daughter can't cope, her daughter still in nappies & drinks from a bot bot still! His daughter is currently 3 months pregnant (does not know who the dad is) Her ex has had his daughter again & we have heard he wants to get custody to have her full time. The 23 year old smokes & was in pub over weekend drinking alcohol. I fear my partner is going to have a heart attack with all the stress. I love him but literally can't cope with all the drama. Do I walk away?

OP posts:
Reugny · 14/02/2023 12:40

If you really stressed then yes you can walk away as his adult DD is not your child.

Cinecitta · 14/02/2023 12:59

She is an adult and as Reugny pointed out, not your child. You are not obliged to be a parental figure to your partner’s children. Where is her real mother?

mydogsteppedonabee · 14/02/2023 13:03

Sounds awful OP.
From the tone of your post I'm getting that you're at the end of your tether... are there any other avenues of support you've not explored? Where is her own mother in all of this.
Obvs all kids develop at a different rate but a 4 year old in nappies is definitely not normal.

lunar1 · 14/02/2023 13:10

Yes, you can walk away, it's your life and you get to decide how to live it.

Guavafish1 · 14/02/2023 13:13

Unfortunately his daughter sounds like she needs lots of support and help.

She will have a newborn soon and a custody battle too.

If all of this is impacting on your life negatively ... then yes I think you should end it. She a troubled soul.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2023 13:19

Of course you can walk away. Much better than condemning yourself to a future of unhappiness, frustration and understandable resentment. You’re only here once, choose to be happy.

MrLbz · 14/02/2023 13:23

Walk away. Too much drama. No prizes in life for sacrificing yourself to try to help people who aren't helping themselves.

Original poster
Pastmyprime70 · 14/02/2023 13:29

Many thanks for replies. I'm sitting here in tears so yes at end of my tether. Her mum died 3 years ago (which everyone has given her a get out of jail free card) Constantly says to my partner your the only Grandparent to make him feel guilty. Have tried umpteen times to help offered to do budgeting. Looked up toddler groups in area, she never went. My partner has his granddaughter 2xs a week for a few hours & gives her dinner. Social services have been to see her several times as neighbours complain about her shouting at her daughter. Social worker got her daughter into nursery 3 days a,week 9am to 3pm (for free) so does have help.

OP posts:
musingsinmidlife · 14/02/2023 13:32

This is the reality of your partner's life. And the reality of many grandparents where they have adult kids who struggle and so they end up needing to care for grandchildren. Few people will turn their back on their grandchildren who are in a precarious situation.

If it is too much for you, you have the option to leave.

mnvices · 14/02/2023 13:35

Of course you can walk away. The fact is, your partner will always (rightly) put his daughter and grandchildren before you. This is the reality of being in a relationship with someone who has children. But if you don't want to be part of his family drama, there's no reason why you should be. Personally, I'd rather be single than be part of this.

NewNameNigel · 14/02/2023 13:41

If your partner takes on the child this would be a huge life change for you.

You can walk away or if you want to remain in the relationship you can try to disengage which would require you to have extremely strict boundaries around what you will do and what you will discuss with your partner.

Intrepidescape · 14/02/2023 13:45

You can walk away. Or you can choose to stay but not engage. Hopefully your stepdaughter loses custody. If you want you could always be a witness for your stepdaughters ex and ensure he gets custody.

Laurdo · 14/02/2023 13:54

mnvices · 14/02/2023 13:35

Of course you can walk away. The fact is, your partner will always (rightly) put his daughter and grandchildren before you. This is the reality of being in a relationship with someone who has children. But if you don't want to be part of his family drama, there's no reason why you should be. Personally, I'd rather be single than be part of this.

I don't think this is always necessarily the case. My DH has his 3 kids 50% and although they are a priority and he's an excellent dad, he still manages to put me and our relationship first at times.

Controversial opinion, but children don't always need to come first and it's not necessarily a good thing that they do. They need to learn that although they are loved and cared for the world doesn't solely revolve around them.

In OPs case though, if she is not feeling like she is being considered by her DP then of course she can walk away.

It sounds like an awful situation. Her dad is probably feeling a tremendous amount of guilt that his DDs mother died but it does sound like the DD knows this and is milking it. The father needs to grow a bit of a backbone, of course support his daughter without letting her take the piss.

Also OP should take a step back if there's any hope of this relationship lasting. Don't try to help with budgeting, and go meet some friends when she comes round for dinner. So long as the money he's giving her doesn't eat into OPs money then just keep out of it.

NewNameNigel · 14/02/2023 13:59

Controversial opinion, but children don't always need to come first and it's not necessarily a good thing that they do. They need to learn that although they are loved and cared for the world doesn't solely revolve around them.

I agree with this. We all know adults that have been raised to believe that they should always come first!

I also don't like this idea that there is a hierarchy (naturally with step mum right at the bottom). In my family everyone is of equal importance. No one "comes first".

lunar1 · 14/02/2023 14:08

Your partner has years of this to go, his daughter has no other parent to fall back on. You have years of this rollercoaster to go if you stay with him.

Navigatingthroughlife · 14/02/2023 14:09

NewNameNigel · 14/02/2023 13:59

Controversial opinion, but children don't always need to come first and it's not necessarily a good thing that they do. They need to learn that although they are loved and cared for the world doesn't solely revolve around them.

I agree with this. We all know adults that have been raised to believe that they should always come first!

I also don't like this idea that there is a hierarchy (naturally with step mum right at the bottom). In my family everyone is of equal importance. No one "comes first".

Completely agree. Everyone should be loved and ‘coming first’ depends on the situation. My partners off this week and would love to have his kids extra days (school holidays) but due to a health scare I’m currently going through he is putting me first here as we don’t know the news I’ll get tomorrow. Everyone in a family unit should be just as important as the other and there might be situations where somebody has to ‘come first’ but by default it shouldn’t be a choice. Everyone is equal in our unit

musingsinmidlife · 14/02/2023 14:21

This is a step parent board so of course the step parents are going to say that the kids shouldn't be a priority and that the new spouse / partner should come first!

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2023 14:23

musingsinmidlife · 14/02/2023 14:21

This is a step parent board so of course the step parents are going to say that the kids shouldn't be a priority and that the new spouse / partner should come first!

No need to hang around here if you despise the majority of posters.

Her DP is welcome to put his adult child first at the expense of everything else in his life. He’s likely to end up alone. His choice.

MeridianB · 14/02/2023 14:26

It sounds like a grim situation, but you can’t live someone’s life for them. If DSD is not willing or able to help herself then it’s understandable her dad would want to provide additional support. You can’t make his choices, either.

So yes, either walk away or step back and disengage.

If her dad thinks her children are neglected or in danger then he can seek advice and additional help with this.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 14/02/2023 14:31

Walk away. You only get one life, and if neither of them wants to actually make any changes, then nothing will ever change. Sounds thankless.

NewNameNigel · 14/02/2023 14:58

musingsinmidlife · 14/02/2023 14:21

This is a step parent board so of course the step parents are going to say that the kids shouldn't be a priority and that the new spouse / partner should come first!

@musingsinmidlife I can't seem to find a a single post where a new spouse/partner has said they should always come first. Please can you quote it for me?

caramac04 · 14/02/2023 15:30

It’s the 4 year old I feel sorry for. She’s spending little time with her mum but that sounds positive as she’s either unable to cope or just self centred .
Step-daughter likely to live a chaotic life going forward unless she accepts she needs to change and be more responsible. Is that likely?

MarieRoseMarie · 14/02/2023 15:38

@AnneLovesGilbert

This is crazy. Why would he end up alone?

I can’t even work out what he’s doing so wrong that everyone is so enraged about? Should he refuse to look after the grandchild? Refuse to help with handovers? Maybe he should put his phone on silent when social services calls.

This is a time of crisis. Hopefully DD’s ex will get custody and stabilise it. it doesn’t work for OP. That’s fine. How does this make him a bad person or a bad partner?

If I met a man whose DD was spiralling out of control and whose granddaughter was known to social services and he did fuck all about it except go to the pub with his new girlfriend, I’d be disgusted. That’s not how my family treat each other but I don’t know how you were raised. My dad genuinely still loves me even as an adult.

Laurdo · 14/02/2023 15:38

musingsinmidlife · 14/02/2023 14:21

This is a step parent board so of course the step parents are going to say that the kids shouldn't be a priority and that the new spouse / partner should come first!

There's always one! 🙄

Where has anyone said the kids shouldn't be a priority?

flutterbyebaby · 14/02/2023 16:10

I'm not sure you could do anything to change him, he is probably so invested because he worries about his grandchild.