Stepdaughter a nightmare

[Pastmyprime70]

Please help! I have been with my fiance 9 years. Only fly in ointment is his daughter, who is 23. She currently has a 4 year old (split up with the Dad) She is constantly on the phone asking for money etc. The Ex has his daughter every weekend fri 9am to mon 4pm. My partner has to act as go between for these visits. His daughter can't cope, her daughter still in nappies & drinks from a bot bot still! His daughter is currently 3 months pregnant (does not know who the dad is) Her ex has had his daughter again & we have heard he wants to get custody to have her full time. The 23 year old smokes & was in pub over weekend drinking alcohol. I fear my partner is going to have a heart attack with all the stress. I love him but literally can't cope with all the drama. Do I walk away?

I feel very sad for his DD. She had a child while still very young, her relationship has broken down, her parents divorced, and presumably her DF left, her mother died. It sounds like she is coping with a lot of loss. People don't always have healthy coping strategies, and I don't think it is surprising she is struggling to meet her child's needs when it sounds like she can't meet her own. As helpful as practical support is it may not meet her emotional needs.

That said, if you feel it is too much for you to be around OP then it is ok for you to step away. You need to look after your own wellbeing too.

Thanks for replies. I think is a unfit mother as smoking & drinking while pregnant! I think would be best for the child to live with her Dad, as mother has chaotic lifestyle. When we talk to her it don't even go in one ear. We bought 4 packs of knickers for little girl & a potty ages ago. When we ask oh she's got a nappy on get told only just put it on her to come out. But can see when drop her to Dad's, have her she is wearing a nappy. All she seems interested in is meeting the next bloke. Love my partner but sick of drama. We babysat at Xmas, as she said was going Xmas shopping. Picked her up at 8am, she said would be back by 3pm. So we took GD out went cinema & to see santa. My partner rang his daughter to say we were going cinema so his phone be off. She asked what cinema the town we said she said she was shopping there. Said oh I will pick her up from the town. We said you sure she said yes, so arranged to meet at 3pm. We then booked for us to go cinema (just us) at 3.30pm. We go to meet, she's not there & not answering phone so we miss our cinema. After an hour my partner texts answer your bloody phone. She texts saying she didn't get previous texts or missed calls?! But she made original plan to pick daughter up. She says I'm at ex's you can drop her off there. (40 mins away) so we couldn't rebook cinema for that day. So we go to drop GD off she came out obviously dressed In hurry looked like just got out of bed. So we miss cinema as she's in bed with bloke! We both work full time so only have sat & sun free to go cinema, visit family etc. When the Dad has his daughter (the 2 of them don't communicate) so going through my partner. His daughter is non stop on phone ringing/texting even random things like I left a tub of vanish at my exs can you ask it for him back!!! Sorry that was so long

it sounds like you are pretty resentful of the constraints of looking after his grandchild.

I would leave your DP. There is no way I would be walking away from that grandchild or reducing contact with a 4 year old so best to end it and find someone whose lifestyle is compatible with yours.

The daughter clearly has some emotional problems and isn't in a good place. Your partner naturally needs to be there for her as much as possible, and he's doing everything he can to ensure that his 4yo granddaughter is protected and cared for. He's doing nothing wrong.

You don't sound cut out for this family; that's not a criticism, just an observation. I think it would be better for you and everyone else if you walked away and found a partner who didn't have family commitments.

OP I think this is much more than just a dad supporting his DD and DGD. It's a DD taking the absolute piss out of her DF and he's letting her.

I don't think it's fair to say you're resentful of the relationship he has with his DGD. If it was just a matter of DP looking after his DGD 2/3 times a week so DD could work and DD collecting her at argeed time, I don't think you'd have a problem. It's DD dumping her child with your DP so she can go do whatever she wants that you resent, as would most people. It's watching your DP have the piss taken out of him that you resent.

Tell DP where your heads at with it all. That you're struggling to cope with her behaviour and how it's impacting your lives and mental health. That you love him but if this continues you can't see yourself staying. I'm sure as much as you're struggling with it all personally, that you do provide some support to him and he wouldn't want to lose that.

He needs to put firmer boundaries in place. If DD doesn't collect DGD at arranged time then he doesn't babysit for the next week or whatever.

While he is happy to take DGD to her dads he won't be going to collect things she has left there. No more hand outs. If she can't afford to feed DGD he will buy food so that she's not getting the chance to just spend it at the pub.

It seems a shame to leave the relationship if you love him and if the child's dad does get full custody this situation won't be forever.

If however your DP doesn't take any of your advice or put any boundaries in place by all means leave. He chose to be in a relationship with you. He has a responsibility to ensure you are considered as well as the responsibility he has towards his DD and DGD.

What a mess. It sounds like the little girl is probably best with her father, providing he doesn’t have as chaotic a life as the mother. I’d be at the end of my tether too, OP, and would be walking away, even if only temporarily, for my own sanity.

She's lost her mum either just before or during covid and lockdowns, when she's already been navigating early motherhood for the first time. And also a relationship breakdown amongst that.

Has she had any counselling or external support for all of that?

How on earth is it relevant that a 23 year old was drinking and smoking? It’s perfectly legal 😂

While pregnant? Are you defending that?

👍🏻👏🏼 all this

And on someone else's dollar!

It sounds tough! I think you can offer guidance to all and that's it really. Sounds like there will be some changes ahead but it's going to be a tough road.
Personally, I would not walk away and support him all I can but I completely understand anyone for walking away too!
Does he actively try to help or just stress about it?

Every time your partner gives her money she can smoke and go to the pub and drink. She can't be bothered to look after her four year who is still in nappies and drinking out of a bottle. She's pregnant and doesn't know who the father is but is still smoking and drinking. The ex sounds like he at least wants to look after the toddler. This is no unresolved grief about her mother - this is simply a hopeless human being who is wrecking the lives of all those around her and is probably about to produce a FAS baby. You can't fix her and I certainly wouldn't be signing on for spending my money and time on this woman. I mean what about when baby number 3 because it's not as though she is getting any smarter.

I agree entirely.

Different people come first at different times in our family.

OP - what do you want? How likely is that to happen?

This won't improve. Put yourself first, as you should, and leave.

Id walk away. This isn't going to change.

What happens if SS remove the new baby. With no Dad in the picture who do you think it'll end up with?

Her mum died 3 years ago (which everyone has given her a get out of jail free card)
Saying things like this does not make you sound like an empathetic person, OP. If you think such horrible thoughts you should keep them to yourself.
Your partner's DD is clearly in a terrible place, SS are involved, her ex is seeking custody, she's unable to look after her child but you think the death of her mother is being used as some sort of excuse. Has it occurred to you that the death of her mother at a time when she had just given birth as a teen, might have actually caused some of her mental health problems? Had her parents split before the death of the her mother?
Obviously her father is going to do what he can to help, and this is going to be a long haul situation. If you don't like it you will have to end the relationship, you really can't expect your partner to do less.

If you’re struggling with the 4yo who does have a known dad and an active role and is seeking custody (hopefully gets it if he’s a decent person as it seems), it isn’t unreasonable to doubt how you would cope with a new baby arriving with no known dad - and possibly health issues poor thing with mum drinking and smoking, and then possibly a SS removal, upon which your partner would be contacted (it seems from your message he’d be the most likely for custody) : being in his 50s (as opposed to much older grandparents), and maybe if he has further family help, the odds are he would say yes.
I think your partner is doing his best, and honorably so, it’s very different handling a struggling young adult when there are children involved.

So I’d say you should separate his choices (which are honorable) and the impact on your life knowing this poor new little one’s dad is unknown, so the involvement will likely increase.

I would however add you don’t have to rush into a decision, hopefully mum will get back on track, so ime the only thing I’d do right now is emphasise psychological help for her to your partner (you can do the research, but he handles whether she goes through with it, it’s a way of helping while protecting yourself). Especially the drinking and smoking during the pregnancy. I don’t know where your are on that front as you have mentioned more about toddler groups but maybe I missed it.
Can you afford private therapy ? I can give you recommendations for online good ones, but not cheap obviously.
Is she able to understand she is harming her child by drinking and smoking ? That’s slightly different from being overwhelmed from her toddler in terms of state of mind.

@Laurdo Controversial opinion, but children don't always need to come first and it's not necessarily a good thing that they do. They need to learn that although they are loved and cared for the world doesn't solely revolve around them.

This! Exactly! Plus she isn't a child now, she's an adult. In all families different people have to come first at different times.

OP it sounds like you've fallen firmly into the "rescuer" role.

I'd have a chat with your fiance about how you want to handle things, then see where he is and if there is a way you can come together on it.

Good luck! x