Stepdaughter a nightmare

[Pastmyprime70]

Please help! I have been with my fiance 9 years. Only fly in ointment is his daughter, who is 23. She currently has a 4 year old (split up with the Dad) She is constantly on the phone asking for money etc. The Ex has his daughter every weekend fri 9am to mon 4pm. My partner has to act as go between for these visits. His daughter can't cope, her daughter still in nappies & drinks from a bot bot still! His daughter is currently 3 months pregnant (does not know who the dad is) Her ex has had his daughter again & we have heard he wants to get custody to have her full time. The 23 year old smokes & was in pub over weekend drinking alcohol. I fear my partner is going to have a heart attack with all the stress. I love him but literally can't cope with all the drama. Do I walk away?

@MarieRoseMarie its not about whether or not the man is doing something wrong. It's about the fact that the op finds the situation untenable.

Yes he might end up alone. In situations where a girlfriend / boyfriend and the kids / grandkids are not compatible and you can't have it all, some people will choose their kids / grandkids and lose the partner - others will choose the partner and lose the kids.

For some, being alone is not worse than losing your kids / grandkids.

your mum dying at 21 isn't really a 'get out of jail free card' its a life changing event, that changes everything around you permanently

either way his dd is spiralling and he is helping to ensure the wellbeing of his grandchild which is quite normal tbh, i imagine most families would want to help in this way.

Absolutely fair if this set for you and you want to leave, but unlikely he will turn away from his grandchild in this time of crisis. probably wouldn't be a good person if he did.

So you think she is an unfit mother because her 4 yo still has a bottle and is in nappies, and went into a pub on a weekend ( when her ex has the daughter)

Agreed! She should leave because it doesn’t work for her but you said he’ll end up alone. That implied he’d be alone forever. That no one else is suitable for him.

Don’t you think that’s a bit unfair? So if you ever prioritise any family member in crisis, you are doomed to end up alone?

Again, maybe that’s true for you. That’s just not what I see in the real world. I can’t imagine wanting to date a man who would turn his back on his own grandchild. Most people I know in real life would be applauding him.

You're annoyed he looks after hai granddaughter 2 days a week? That's very common. My mum and dad look after my little one twice a week. Is that wrong?

Well I wouldn't want to be with a man who was childcare for a small child every week, a small child who I wasn't even related to. Sod that.

Most people I know in real life would be applauding him.

I think this is the sort of thing it's easy to applaud from the outside when you're not the one bearing the brunt of being in a relationship with someone who is doing this.

Just because your mother died when you were 21 or younger it doesn't give you the excuse to neglect your own child or act without any boundaries.

Oh and neglect is child abuse.

On this board first family children seem to be able to run riot and abuse other children, including babies, in their families and everyone should be understanding.

Realistically someone’s child will always come first over a new partner/girlfriend/boyfriend etc though. People can say oh we’re all equal in my family but that just isn’t true. Very few parents will genuinely feel their own child is completely equal to a new partner. In the same way they might split up with the partner but are much less likely to decide to never see their child again.

In this situation, it seems like the daughter being a ‘nightmare’ doesn’t actually affect op that much. If you like this man then I’d just continue seeing him and not be so over invested in whether the daughter’s child ‘drinks from a bot bot still’ or how often she stays with child’s dad or finding toddler groups etc. Let your partner support his child in the way he sees fit and you take a step back and live your own life.

You sound like a reasonably well adjusted adult with few issues.

I know adults who are happy to help out regularly, including look after, their step-grandchildren or great nieces/nephews.

Presumably you wouldn’t date a man who was a grandfather who cares for his granddaughter then. So a very different situation. I wouldn’t want to date a farmer, but I wouldn’t trawl a tractor auction for dates then complain that I don’t want to date a man who is always out farming.

Hope I've managed to quote correct person. Yes I'm annoyed has been in pub drinking alcohol as says has no money & is 3 months pregnant!

Right but maybe you just need to let it go
and step away. Unless of course it’s your money she’s borrowing in which case stop! But you don’t need to even be annoyed. Your partner is supporting a very difficult family situation but outside of you choosing to be annoyed about it, it sort of seems like it doesn’t actually affect you.

Thanks for replies. I've not said I'm.annoyed he looks after his granddaughter?! The problem is the drama of his daughter & am worried my partner will have a heart attack with all the stress. I'm not a new partner we are engaged, been together 9 years. I put about my partner having her & dropping off to her Dads to show she does get a break. It impacts our relationship as she constantly ringing/texting him. We both work full time so just want to relax at weekend or go out in peace. Yes I know losing your Mum at 21 is devastating, but feel she uses to her advantage?! If my partner says he can't lend her money (after maybe of lending 3xs already that month) or he can't have granddaughter extra as we are going out. She says Mum would of helped me!!

You can decide to stay or walk away if it's too much for you.
Your partner needs to instill boundaries if HE finds her demands too much.

She's an adult, but she'll always be his child and he's always going to want to support her. It's up to him to decide what that support looks like.. and stop allowing her to guilt trip him. You can't do that for him.

I'm sure the loss of her mum has been devastating for her and still is.

So the granddaughter is at her dads all day Friday until early evening Monday, goes to nursery 3 days a week (Tues-Thurs) and your partners has her for dinner 2 nights on mums time.

basically his daughter is doing 1 evening of parenting a week! The father of this child deserves full custody (as long as there are no issues with him)

however you have been with your partner 9 years so I can understand you don’t want to throw it away but perhaps you need a really clear talk with him explaining your concerns. If GD is going to dads every weekend how much arranging is really needed? Times are agreed you said so surely the meet at the same place. How much admin can this be?

he needs to recognise the problem is his daughter and put boundaries in place. If she parents her second child like she is the first (but without the child’s father) you can bet it will be more than twice a week you will be providing care, if not full time of social services deem the child needs removing from her.

he need to know this is serious and how you feel so that he is under no illusions about what will happen if he doesn’t take his daughter and her demands into account

So you knew you were with someone who had kids and stayed many years. Now it's a tough time for his daughter and your complaining. Wouldn't it be better to be supportive to him rather than daughter as she doesn't sound to appreciative. If you love him it's him you support. Just because you don't like some choices that are made etc its not really your place to butt in. Dont you enjoy being a step grandparent i would make use of time with the little one and just have fun.

Do you think his granddaughter would be better off with her dad full time?

Given your update I do see why this situation is so conceening. It does not sound like SGD's needs are being met, to a point where she is having regular intervention from social services.

In light of this, giving money to SD probably isn't the thing that would help SGD. It sounds like SD needs significant parenting support and education in order to meet her daughter's needs. Alternatively, it would need to be considered whether she is fit to care for her daughter.

Sounds like her dad has her 50% of the week. Is he any better? Couldn't he take a role in potty training/weaning?

If I was your DH and I could, I would likely refuse to comply with demands and set boundaries, but would instead offer help which would actually help SGD. Such as looking after SGD a couple of days or evenings a week and taking her to classes.

In a dysfuntional family setting where there is abuse, children should always come first. Not adult children who are carrying out the abuse - the actual child.

Assuming he is a half decent parent, I would hope DSG father does get majority care as this child is being abused and neglected.

But that is all largely beyond your control as apart from suggesting to your husband, you can't make him set healthy boundaries with SD.

Did you miss the part where she has social services involvement for verbally abusing her daughter? So neglect, verbal abuse. It's not about labelling SD an 'unfit mother'. The most important thing here is that the 4 year old girl's developmental and emotional needs are not being met. Therefore her parents need to accept support to meet her needs (parenting plans, parenting courses and interventions). And if they can't do that, yes the little girl will need to have those needs met by an adult who can give her what she needs. Hopefully her dad will be able to do this. Or another family arrangement. It's really not about judging her mother, the child deserves to be looked after properly and have her needs met.

I would wonder what is wrong with his Dd does she have some undiagnosed mental health issue. People aren’t born selfish and cruel.
I don’t think I would want to spend my life picking up the pieces of her daughter and new baby whilst she treats them poorly - too much stress for me. But has Dd had counselling? Why is she drinking and smoking in this day and age? Has DP been a good father?

Sounds like the toddler would be better off with their dad, support your husband to make sure he can maintain regular access and a relationship with her if he succeeds in his custody attempt.

Many people still smoke and drink.

And selfish and cruel doesn't = MH problems. Please don't use MH issues as an excuse for poor behaviour.