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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSD wants to live with us

56 replies

csigeek · 11/02/2023 21:49

DSD14 is not getting on with her mum, in a fairly spectacular way, at the moment. Most of it is usual teen stuff but there is a lot of things that she tells us (all taken with a generous pinch of salt) that, if genuinely true and even half as bad as she is telling us, are emotional abuse on her mothers part. I'm under no illusions that she will be embellishing her stories but there have been instances recently where she has been genuinely scared of her mother and she has recorded her screaming at her. These have included some truly unforgivable comments (think wish you'd never been born, you ruin my life type comments).
We live an hour and a half away, she comes EOW and most of all school holidays currently. Increasing her visits are a no go as her mother won't agree to every weekend as she wants her home to babysit her little sister. Weekdays would be impossible because of the travel time to school.
She has come to us this weekend in absolute bits. Her mum did text in the week saying she had taken her phone away due to excessive screen time, usually a text from mum about behaviour/arguments they've had/telling a off precede a very upset DSD telling us of another awful interaction. We always try to give the benefit of the doubt to her mum as we know what teen girls can be like, but some of the things DSD has told us she has said to her are just shocking. She was sobbing on my shoulder and asked if she can come and live here, previously she has said she would want to but doesn't want to leave her friends as we are so far away but the "only thing" keeping her at home is her friends/school. I said if you're serious we will look into how we can make it happen and she said yes please.
So my question is really, where do we start? I know her mum will 100% oppose it and will make life difficult, but do we need to consider anything legally? There is no official custody agreement, DH and DSD's mum were never married and they just agreed everything between them. Has anyone got any advice/experience in this kind of thing? Do we go straight to a solicitor now and figure out our options?

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 11/02/2023 21:50

what school year is she in?

2Old2BABPpresenter · 11/02/2023 21:51

She’s deemed old enough to make the choice where she wants to live by the courts at 14 so I would say start arranging it.

Original poster
csigeek · 11/02/2023 21:51

Yr10 so first year of GCSE's. Not a great time to be moving schools

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 11/02/2023 22:30

csigeek · 11/02/2023 21:51

Yr10 so first year of GCSE's. Not a great time to be moving schools

impossible, I would say

MyFlagMeansIceCream · 11/02/2023 22:36

It is very difficult to move schools. But what would be the harms in staying? Considerable I would think.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2023 22:38

Nimbostratus100 · 11/02/2023 22:30

impossible, I would say

Show quote history

Not impossible. People have to move all the time.

Original poster
csigeek · 11/02/2023 23:19

It's not the most ideal time to love schools, no. But, we are genuinely concerned for her emotional and mental welfare at the moment and are worried about the long term effects of remaining in that environment. I think we will get in touch with a solicitor on Monday, get the lay of the land and go from there.

OP posts:
DollyDoofer · 11/02/2023 23:23

At DSD’s age she will be deemed to be Gillick Competent by the Court so will be able to make decisions for herself. Hope that helps

SomePosters · 11/02/2023 23:26

I had to move during my gcse year.
It was a disaster tbh but not because of the change because the new school was rubbish!

I went from doing 14 to 10 gcses and had to drop language entirely despite excelling in it as the new school didn’t offer the same one.
I ended up studying the same history stuff twice and completely missing half the syllabus

Before you make any sudden moves I would investigate carefully the reality

Step 1. Tell dsd that you will start looking into the logistics and if she still wants to move after her mocks you will do your best to make it happen.

Mock results are used to gauge Uni entry before results so I wouldn’t fuck with anything till after they’re out the way unless you believe she’s in immediate danger (as was the cae with me)
This also gives her a cooling off period to be certain it’s what she wants.

mumof1or2 · 11/02/2023 23:29

SomePosters · 11/02/2023 23:26

I had to move during my gcse year.
It was a disaster tbh but not because of the change because the new school was rubbish!

I went from doing 14 to 10 gcses and had to drop language entirely despite excelling in it as the new school didn’t offer the same one.
I ended up studying the same history stuff twice and completely missing half the syllabus

Before you make any sudden moves I would investigate carefully the reality

Step 1. Tell dsd that you will start looking into the logistics and if she still wants to move after her mocks you will do your best to make it happen.

Mock results are used to gauge Uni entry before results so I wouldn’t fuck with anything till after they’re out the way unless you believe she’s in immediate danger (as was the cae with me)
This also gives her a cooling off period to be certain it’s what she wants.

Uni entry isn't based on GCSE mock results!

SomePosters · 11/02/2023 23:29

Solicitor is all well and good but you need to speak to the school she would be going to and see if they offer the subjects she’s studying and wether the syllabus aligns

I was forced into a school we didn’t choose after our local mp pushed for an in year admission.
The educational standards there were terrible, the environment full of kids who needed mental health support and hot meal more than Shakespeare

Look into the practicalities not just the légalities

SomePosters · 11/02/2023 23:30

No, it’s gauged on them pending your actual results

Januaryisthelongestyear · 11/02/2023 23:34

SomePosters · 11/02/2023 23:30

No, it’s gauged on them pending your actual results

I think you might be confused with A levels here

TulipsLilacs · 11/02/2023 23:43

Poor girl. My mum was emotionally abusive and unfortunately parents can get away with being emotionally abusive to teenage girls as it's easy for the parent to just say "Oh you know how awful teenage girls are!" Funnily enough my mum is still constantly having dramas and falling out with people whereas I am not! Please believe your dsd.

journeyofinsanity · 11/02/2023 23:50

@SomePosters mock gcse results aren't used for uni. Predicted a level and actual gcse results are.

CopperMaran · 11/02/2023 23:52

It might not be ideal to move in GCSE year 10 but better than year 11 and if needs must GCSEs can be retaken. This definitely sounds like a situation where the circumstances warrant the exam disruption.

Yfory · 11/02/2023 23:57

Not an ideal time to be moving schools but definitely not impossible.
Also at this point in year 10 the syllabuses she is currently studying........ it should be alright even if the other school are doing a different one (unless she is sitting any early ie in year 10 - but even then its not a disaster as she could just do those in year 11 instead).
Her MH and well being are far more important than exam results.

TennisWithDeborah · 11/02/2023 23:59

good luck, OP. I think that you’re great, advocating for her like this.

LittleOwl153 · 12/02/2023 00:01

Assuming your DH / her dad is actually up for the fight here...

Look at the local secondaries - is there space for her, how do the subjects align in option blocks... if that works what about syllabuses? Maths might be loosely the same but history for example could be completely different topics and started in yr 9.

If you can't make the schooling work there are other things that can be done. She can come to you every weekend/school holidays Dh can request this in court if need be - mum might play awkward but dsd feelings/needs will be taken into accoumt given her age so.he needs to discuss with mum. Whatever option isn't going to be easy.

She has 49 school weeks left till exams... what can be put in place to keep her safe until then where she is? If the answer is she is not safe then exams can wait. But if she can be supported to continue her studies as she is that will benefit her - and look.for.a level colleges near you for a fresh start.

aonbharr · 12/02/2023 01:20

TennisWithDeborah · 11/02/2023 23:59

good luck, OP. I think that you’re great, advocating for her like this.

I said if you're serious we will look into how we can make it happen and she said yes please. You should not be saying this. Firstly he should. Could he not speak to his ex, there are a number of things to try before this happens. I do appreciate you are being kind, but that is an awful leap to take and having overheard conversations my own teen has or stuff she has told me, the drama level is high in this age group. You can't just take her child from her. Somebody should mediate here before drastic steps. Also, it may be that something else is going on, if she is so willing to change schools.

plumduck · 12/02/2023 04:25

It doesn't have to be a perfect school move to do this. Weigh it up against what she is facing at mums. She might do better out of that environment.

plumduck · 12/02/2023 04:25

aonbharr · 12/02/2023 01:20

I said if you're serious we will look into how we can make it happen and she said yes please. You should not be saying this. Firstly he should. Could he not speak to his ex, there are a number of things to try before this happens. I do appreciate you are being kind, but that is an awful leap to take and having overheard conversations my own teen has or stuff she has told me, the drama level is high in this age group. You can't just take her child from her. Somebody should mediate here before drastic steps. Also, it may be that something else is going on, if she is so willing to change schools.

Show quote history

I do also agree with this though

MichelleScarn · 12/02/2023 04:32

CopperMaran · 11/02/2023 23:52

It might not be ideal to move in GCSE year 10 but better than year 11 and if needs must GCSEs can be retaken. This definitely sounds like a situation where the circumstances warrant the exam disruption.

Exactly, qualifications can be done at any age. However the psychological and emotional harm that can be done to someone can have far reaching ramifications.

sashh · 12/02/2023 04:47

The school is a red herring. If she is in an abusive relationship that is what matters.

Schooling can be done later, possible flexi schooling with her old school, repeating year 10 at a new school, even a tutor. You can attend an FE college from 14.

OP you are being a good parent.

Your SD may be entitled to her own solicitor and legal aid, I say may because I'm totally out of touch.

BCBird · 12/02/2023 04:55

I would say her well being is priority here. Those who say let her her get mocks out the way have a point jf they are relatively soon but as they are in y10 and not 11 IMO I.would not give this too much consideration. . I say this as a teacher too not just as a parent might think. You definitely need to consider the details re availability of subjects and content at current school and prospective school.
I would advise you to.let current school know your possible plans. Ask for a breakdown of subjects studied,exam board,any particulars,e.g.txts studied etc,or periods of history for example,does the new school have the same foreign language choices? The Head of Year might be able to coordinate this. You will then be in a better position to contact new schools to see if their provision is suitable. Once this is ascertained you can make a decision together re suitability,e.g do you like the atmosphere of the school etc? It is best on transfer if the new school have data and information on previous attainment etc and any other records from the previous school. I hope your DSD has a good behaviour record because she may unofficially be looked on unfavourably if not. If her record is not good,we sometimes have pupils on managed moves,this is often behaviour related but is sometimes due to other things such as bullying at previous school. Finally, if you manage to sort all this to everyone's satisfaction, two things to consider what will happen if is DSD misses seeing her sibling and her mom? Good luck with this