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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSD wants to live with us

56 replies

csigeek · 11/02/2023 21:49

DSD14 is not getting on with her mum, in a fairly spectacular way, at the moment. Most of it is usual teen stuff but there is a lot of things that she tells us (all taken with a generous pinch of salt) that, if genuinely true and even half as bad as she is telling us, are emotional abuse on her mothers part. I'm under no illusions that she will be embellishing her stories but there have been instances recently where she has been genuinely scared of her mother and she has recorded her screaming at her. These have included some truly unforgivable comments (think wish you'd never been born, you ruin my life type comments).
We live an hour and a half away, she comes EOW and most of all school holidays currently. Increasing her visits are a no go as her mother won't agree to every weekend as she wants her home to babysit her little sister. Weekdays would be impossible because of the travel time to school.
She has come to us this weekend in absolute bits. Her mum did text in the week saying she had taken her phone away due to excessive screen time, usually a text from mum about behaviour/arguments they've had/telling a off precede a very upset DSD telling us of another awful interaction. We always try to give the benefit of the doubt to her mum as we know what teen girls can be like, but some of the things DSD has told us she has said to her are just shocking. She was sobbing on my shoulder and asked if she can come and live here, previously she has said she would want to but doesn't want to leave her friends as we are so far away but the "only thing" keeping her at home is her friends/school. I said if you're serious we will look into how we can make it happen and she said yes please.
So my question is really, where do we start? I know her mum will 100% oppose it and will make life difficult, but do we need to consider anything legally? There is no official custody agreement, DH and DSD's mum were never married and they just agreed everything between them. Has anyone got any advice/experience in this kind of thing? Do we go straight to a solicitor now and figure out our options?

OP posts:
CopperMaran · 12/02/2023 17:35

csigeek · 12/02/2023 16:51

DSD have had a big chat today 121 and agreed that the drama of the recent blow up needs to settle and then we'll talk again next time she's with us.
We haven't broached this with her mum on this occasion and we do not want to cause a major row that DSD has to deal with alone - she had to go back there to go to school so it's not fair to cause her any problems and leave her to deal with it.
We have broached on previous occasions when there have been similar issues, albeit this time DSD is so much more upset. On those occasions mum has refused contact as "punishment" to both DSD and DH.
It's so far removed from how me and my ExH co-parent, I just don't have any kind of advice for my DH. She is categorically not the type to sit and have an adult conversation about the situation and see if from DSD's point of view.
DH is on the birth certificate so does have PR.
DSD works extremely hard at school, to the point we have been a bit concerned about the amount of pressure she puts on herself. I think this makes us feel confident she won't struggle with a school move, if it were yr11 we would probably think differently.
The only thing her mum has said about the latest was that she had had to give a punishment (sorry don't want to be too outing), which was fine and fitting but she ended the message with a sentence "and I definitely didn't yell at her like she will tell you I did". This rang alarm bells with DH because he'd had messages like that before and then DSD had told him the thing happened that her mum pre warned definitely didn't, this was when she was younger, so no teen dramatics.
I guess we just don't know what to do for the best because we don't want to make DSD stay in a living situation that is harmful but we also don't want to make a move and cause a, even short term, living nightmare for DSD.

It’s so hard for you all. Personally I think this has to be your 14 year old SD’s decision with her Dad and your guidance and support.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 12/02/2023 17:39

Mock results are used to gauge Uni entry before results so I wouldn’t fuck with anything till after they’re out the way unless you believe she’s in immediate danger (as was the cae with me)

Mock GCSE results aren’t used to predict university entry. Mock A level results may be, but even then not always. I just used to make a calculated result based on exam performance and class performance.

MzHz · 12/02/2023 17:46

Your dsd is old enough to make her own decisions about where to live. Her mum doesn’t have to like it or approve it either.

if dsd would be better off having time out and swapping the arrangement I think you’ll find that she’ll get it.

Original poster
csigeek · 12/02/2023 18:00

BCBird · 12/02/2023 04:55

I would say her well being is priority here. Those who say let her her get mocks out the way have a point jf they are relatively soon but as they are in y10 and not 11 IMO I.would not give this too much consideration. . I say this as a teacher too not just as a parent might think. You definitely need to consider the details re availability of subjects and content at current school and prospective school.
I would advise you to.let current school know your possible plans. Ask for a breakdown of subjects studied,exam board,any particulars,e.g.txts studied etc,or periods of history for example,does the new school have the same foreign language choices? The Head of Year might be able to coordinate this. You will then be in a better position to contact new schools to see if their provision is suitable. Once this is ascertained you can make a decision together re suitability,e.g do you like the atmosphere of the school etc? It is best on transfer if the new school have data and information on previous attainment etc and any other records from the previous school. I hope your DSD has a good behaviour record because she may unofficially be looked on unfavourably if not. If her record is not good,we sometimes have pupils on managed moves,this is often behaviour related but is sometimes due to other things such as bullying at previous school. Finally, if you manage to sort all this to everyone's satisfaction, two things to consider what will happen if is DSD misses seeing her sibling and her mom? Good luck with this

Sorry just rereading through and I must have missed this earlier. This is all fab advice, thank you so much! I've saved the details.

OP posts:
hourbyhour101 · 12/02/2023 18:42

@Interoperability (sorry op for derailing) from my personal experience and things I have witnessed. It does seem to ramp up with age as the perpetrator ages. Or maybe it's the awareness that these things weren't right (being gaslight for so long does fuck with one's head).

Either way I can say that the stately homes is amazing but it can be a bit shocking to read and go "oh god this isn't just my xyz it's part of a pattern behaviour" and "this has happened to so many people". Sounds relatively benign but it did shake me for a bit.

I

Pertinentowl · 06/04/2023 17:36

I want this talked about as soon as possible and not left for the dust to settle. I felt sick hearing how that poor girl felt.

theres actually no level of education that can make up for feeling abused and scared in your own house, to have to suffer through it at that age..

with my first two everything had to pause while their gcses took precedence. Never again. You can’t get these critical psychological years back. You can go back and resit gcses whenever you like and..
it doesn’t matter as much as we think it does. I wish I knew that back then. I notice schools themselves are not putting anywhere near the psychological pressure they used to pre covid and I’m so grateful for it. So far - year 11 - my daughter isn’t damaged by the pressure. My boys were. I therefore conclude that the pressure wasn’t necessary for the process.

speak to a solicitor. I think you have been placating the mother for so long that when you speak to the solicitor they will almost give you permission in a dry matter of fact way to do what’s best for your daughter. Sometimes we need outsiders to tell us if we are being reactive or reasonable. I think you are being very reasonable

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