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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Butting in

31 replies

Beech32 · 29/01/2023 16:12

Hello everyone. I've never posted on here before but have secretly been reading for a few years.

But today, it's official, I need some advice please!

My step kids are dsd11 and dss 14. On the whole we get on well, have done for many years. I've always said when they're nice, they're so nice. And when they're awful, they're awful. And understood and respected the hard bit about not being blood related etc. But I've been very involved. I did all their homeschooling through lockdown, school runs etc.

But today I just need to vent I guess. Dsd has decided I'm basically a witch. I think! I know it's hormones and it's fine. But I feel bad for my other half and need some advice on how to continue.

If she's talking to her dad, she only wants to talk to him. So now I have to sit in silence, even if I'm in the same room. Obviously now I just feel very awkward in my home. But other half says I have to stick it out, otherwise she's won. So here I sit! I know her rudeness in general gets to my other half as she is a nightmare. But we've always been in it together. Now I feel, like an outsider.

Anyone have any thoughts?

OP posts:
hourbyhour101 · 30/01/2023 18:59

Look kids are gonna kid and test limits.

The problem isn't so much your DSC (who I know as a mum kids literally make you want to pull your own hair out) but your DH for allowing this.

She's asked where the boundary is and he's gone where every you want sweetheart and it's not going to do her any good when she goes into the real world is it ?

You have a voice and use it. Make it so that actually him not correcting this causes a bigger issue than him ignoring it.

My advice would be to raise merry hell.

And if my daughter was doing this to her step mum I would fully support sm telling her to bugger off and she doesn't get to dictate who speaks or stays silent in her house.

nc1013 · 31/01/2023 21:03

I don't understand why he thinks that you speaking when she's said you're not "allowed" go means she's won.

Surely it's the exact opposite. If she gets away with this behaviour and you comply then she's won?

Laurdo · 01/02/2023 15:44

So DSDs terrible behaviour hasn't to be corrected so she's not upset but it's totally fine for you to feel upset and awkward in your own home when you've done nothing wrong? I think not!

Your DH needs to step up and be a parent.

Greenvelvet93 · 29/03/2023 19:09

Newbie here...never knew this forum existed. Been hooked all day and feeling confident enough to post for help.

Long post - will keep it as short and sweet as possible.

I've been with my partner for 3.5yrs
We started dating December 19 and moved in during covid as company.
We lived approx 35miles away from one another at the time.

I have 3 Boys (now 21/19 and 12) - at home FT. Youngest would go to his dad's EOW and an overnight in the week
Partner has 2 - (girl 15 and boy 11) - Every weekend - Friday to Sunday.

We soon decided we would move in permanently as we all got on so well and despite lockdown - our family dynamics worked.

Overview: 2 years later I tell him I want to split up. He's a good man, but the pressures of having all of us under 1 room - 24/7 was too much to handle.

His relationship with the children mother wasn't healthy. She pulled the strings and called the shots he said how high. Never flexible in anyway shape or form. We eventually, after many fallouts came to an arrangement that we needed to have 1 weekend off per month so we could have some time as a couple. (She had an affair and was still with this bloke up on till last year - they split in 2017/18). He moved into the family home when my partner moved out.

Over time I became withdrawn and resentful.
He was the same but wouldn't open his mouth, just kept quiet and would go straight to bed after work (4pm - starts at 7am) often no hello to my 3 boys but when his children would.come.for the weekend he was the life and soul...then back to his withdrawn self.

Out parenting styles clashed massively; my youngest son hadn't grown up with tech. No phones/computers (unless having a go on his elder brothers) and is generally an energetic outside kid who enjoys fishing/cycling/football etc.

His children complete opposite - glued to it 24/7. Even to the point where the youngest would walk around with a tablet that had no charge - because he was used to it.

With having 7of us under 1 roof we needed boundaries - meals at the table, no TV on, no tech not allowed on the table that sort of thing. Family time in my eyes. It would repeatedly be ignored, sneaking it under the table, wearing ear buds while listening to music that kind of stuff. Constantly.

So as you can see, constantly battling the bit out. I split up and he moved out.

Fast forward:

Partner (then ex) moves into a relatives home to save for a deposit and furnishings etc to set up home. 2 months later we try dating again as we still love eachother very much...time goes on and we decide to try again.

Partner gets his new home near to where the kids live (I encouraged this and found the property so very happy he's chosen to do this) so he can be there for them and they can pop in and stay over etc. He can help their mother more as by this time, she and the boyfriend have split up with childcare etc.

So this is where it now gets weird:

*We lived together for 2 years. So long enough to know what sort of relationship they have - not a good one!
They NEVER saw eye to eye.
She wouldn't tell him anything he needed to know re school/doc appointments etc.
He would be met at the door of her home and the kids would come out ready for their weekend with their dad.

Life now:
*Kids now have 50/50 with both parents.
*He refers to his ex as being his 'mate'. That he cares about her.
*Checks what's she's been posting on her WhatsApp statuses.
*Goes to her house and can spend 30mins to 1hr getting the kids stuff ready - he says she isn't there everytime.
*Calls her/texts everyday about the kids but this also involves asking for 'recipes' she cooks/movies to watch/and casual chit chat.

I also want to note that we have been together for this length of time and I've NEVER met his mates!!!
I know his circle is small - by that I mean 2 mates he is close to. Others are work mates.

When I'm not around (away on holiday) he will meet up with them but never sets up a get together when we have free time.

I just can't piece it together ....

I very rarely see the kids anymore as he has got into a pattern of doing his own thing with them and will see me when he's free. I suggest coming over to mine with them for a sleepover and every time I do, it doesn't happen. Before it was that we didn't have enough room but my 2 eldest boys have recently moved out so I have the space. It just doesn't happen.

I know he's secretive. I've found that out myself; he plays peacekeeper.

His kids aren't bad kids but they are rude and disrespectful at times (not all) and never want to leave the house. EVER! Unless it's something they want to do.

I'm mentally exhausted from feeling this rejection - it was meant to be a fresh start. It's gone from blended family to single to being a couple and doing 'blended life with children' to just bluhhhhhh.

My brain hurts.

I don't know what to do anymore ...

Thank you

MeridianB · 29/03/2023 19:43

Hi OP

It might be easier to start a fresh thread to avoid confusion and get responses relating to your specific situation.

Put simply, living with this guy sounds like it was enormously stressful. Now all this new nonsense while dating him - his feelings for ex and how you’re not in a public relationship. Hard to see why he is worth the effort I’m afraid. It’s already reached a natural conclusion. Time to move on.

Thelifeofawife · 29/03/2023 19:48

Greenvelvet93 · 29/03/2023 19:09

Newbie here...never knew this forum existed. Been hooked all day and feeling confident enough to post for help.

Long post - will keep it as short and sweet as possible.

I've been with my partner for 3.5yrs
We started dating December 19 and moved in during covid as company.
We lived approx 35miles away from one another at the time.

I have 3 Boys (now 21/19 and 12) - at home FT. Youngest would go to his dad's EOW and an overnight in the week
Partner has 2 - (girl 15 and boy 11) - Every weekend - Friday to Sunday.

We soon decided we would move in permanently as we all got on so well and despite lockdown - our family dynamics worked.

Overview: 2 years later I tell him I want to split up. He's a good man, but the pressures of having all of us under 1 room - 24/7 was too much to handle.

His relationship with the children mother wasn't healthy. She pulled the strings and called the shots he said how high. Never flexible in anyway shape or form. We eventually, after many fallouts came to an arrangement that we needed to have 1 weekend off per month so we could have some time as a couple. (She had an affair and was still with this bloke up on till last year - they split in 2017/18). He moved into the family home when my partner moved out.

Over time I became withdrawn and resentful.
He was the same but wouldn't open his mouth, just kept quiet and would go straight to bed after work (4pm - starts at 7am) often no hello to my 3 boys but when his children would.come.for the weekend he was the life and soul...then back to his withdrawn self.

Out parenting styles clashed massively; my youngest son hadn't grown up with tech. No phones/computers (unless having a go on his elder brothers) and is generally an energetic outside kid who enjoys fishing/cycling/football etc.

His children complete opposite - glued to it 24/7. Even to the point where the youngest would walk around with a tablet that had no charge - because he was used to it.

With having 7of us under 1 roof we needed boundaries - meals at the table, no TV on, no tech not allowed on the table that sort of thing. Family time in my eyes. It would repeatedly be ignored, sneaking it under the table, wearing ear buds while listening to music that kind of stuff. Constantly.

So as you can see, constantly battling the bit out. I split up and he moved out.

Fast forward:

Partner (then ex) moves into a relatives home to save for a deposit and furnishings etc to set up home. 2 months later we try dating again as we still love eachother very much...time goes on and we decide to try again.

Partner gets his new home near to where the kids live (I encouraged this and found the property so very happy he's chosen to do this) so he can be there for them and they can pop in and stay over etc. He can help their mother more as by this time, she and the boyfriend have split up with childcare etc.

So this is where it now gets weird:

*We lived together for 2 years. So long enough to know what sort of relationship they have - not a good one!
They NEVER saw eye to eye.
She wouldn't tell him anything he needed to know re school/doc appointments etc.
He would be met at the door of her home and the kids would come out ready for their weekend with their dad.

Life now:
*Kids now have 50/50 with both parents.
*He refers to his ex as being his 'mate'. That he cares about her.
*Checks what's she's been posting on her WhatsApp statuses.
*Goes to her house and can spend 30mins to 1hr getting the kids stuff ready - he says she isn't there everytime.
*Calls her/texts everyday about the kids but this also involves asking for 'recipes' she cooks/movies to watch/and casual chit chat.

I also want to note that we have been together for this length of time and I've NEVER met his mates!!!
I know his circle is small - by that I mean 2 mates he is close to. Others are work mates.

When I'm not around (away on holiday) he will meet up with them but never sets up a get together when we have free time.

I just can't piece it together ....

I very rarely see the kids anymore as he has got into a pattern of doing his own thing with them and will see me when he's free. I suggest coming over to mine with them for a sleepover and every time I do, it doesn't happen. Before it was that we didn't have enough room but my 2 eldest boys have recently moved out so I have the space. It just doesn't happen.

I know he's secretive. I've found that out myself; he plays peacekeeper.

His kids aren't bad kids but they are rude and disrespectful at times (not all) and never want to leave the house. EVER! Unless it's something they want to do.

I'm mentally exhausted from feeling this rejection - it was meant to be a fresh start. It's gone from blended family to single to being a couple and doing 'blended life with children' to just bluhhhhhh.

My brain hurts.

I don't know what to do anymore ...

Thank you

It sounds exhausting!

Being in a stepfamily in general is such a rollercoaster and if you ever want your needs met you’re seen as selfish and unaccepting of his children. It’s a thankless task.

Your DP is possibly enjoying the harmony in his new home. Not that you were the cause of the drama, but because he doesn’t want to parent properly and he’s happy to bow down to his ex, you having any issue with that was always going to cause conflict.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, if the two of you can make it work living separately until the children are adults/leave home. At least you’re not caught up in the drama all the time and there’s no clashes over kids. IF that works for you, if not then you need to speak to him and explain that you expect to start blending the family again, and if he doesn’t want to do that then you can’t see how you’ll have a future together.

Could you suggest that he spend more time at yours when the DC aren’t there. And that even if his DC are there, the two of you can still go out for a meal or something even if they don’t want to join in (his DC are old enough to be left alone for an hour or two together).

Regarding his ex, is it possible that now she’s single she’s acting friendly again to try and get him back? (Of course, even if this is the case doesn’t mean he would)

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