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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Butting in

31 replies

Beech32 · 29/01/2023 16:12

Hello everyone. I've never posted on here before but have secretly been reading for a few years.

But today, it's official, I need some advice please!

My step kids are dsd11 and dss 14. On the whole we get on well, have done for many years. I've always said when they're nice, they're so nice. And when they're awful, they're awful. And understood and respected the hard bit about not being blood related etc. But I've been very involved. I did all their homeschooling through lockdown, school runs etc.

But today I just need to vent I guess. Dsd has decided I'm basically a witch. I think! I know it's hormones and it's fine. But I feel bad for my other half and need some advice on how to continue.

If she's talking to her dad, she only wants to talk to him. So now I have to sit in silence, even if I'm in the same room. Obviously now I just feel very awkward in my home. But other half says I have to stick it out, otherwise she's won. So here I sit! I know her rudeness in general gets to my other half as she is a nightmare. But we've always been in it together. Now I feel, like an outsider.

Anyone have any thoughts?

OP posts:
Reugny · 29/01/2023 16:15

Get up, leave the room and go do something else. She isn't the messiah.

Oh and continue to treat her brother as normal in front of her.

GoodChat · 29/01/2023 16:17

Why is he telling you you have to put up with it rather than dealing with it?

Lkydfju · 29/01/2023 16:17

I found the pre teen part harder than the actual teen part (DSD now 15); out of interest what does she do if you talk? There’s certainly an element of riding it out but she also needs to be pulled up on her rudeness.

Original poster
Beech32 · 29/01/2023 16:22

GoodChat · 29/01/2023 16:17

Why is he telling you you have to put up with it rather than dealing with it?

He feels stuck in the middle, wants an easy life. It seems to have really got to him and I really don't want him to be miserable. I think he sees it as dealing with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beech32 · 29/01/2023 16:26

Lkydfju · 29/01/2023 16:17

I found the pre teen part harder than the actual teen part (DSD now 15); out of interest what does she do if you talk? There’s certainly an element of riding it out but she also needs to be pulled up on her rudeness.

Thanks for giving me hope! I'm talking to my dad, not you if she starts the conversation. If I'm talking to everyone, everything I say is wrong. I could say the earth is round and she'd say no it's not it's flat. Which I remember from being a kid
is pretty standard but it's only what I say. She doesn't do it with dad or brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beech32 · 29/01/2023 16:30

Reugny · 29/01/2023 16:15

Get up, leave the room and go do something else. She isn't the messiah.

Oh and continue to treat her brother as normal in front of her.

That's an excellent point about dss, thank you.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 29/01/2023 16:31

Your DH is bonkers. She HAS won if you are not allowed to speak in your own home and DH facilitates this. Just carry on as normal and raise an eyebrow at her or him if they try to tell you that you should be doing otherwise.

Thelifeofawife · 29/01/2023 17:03

OP you can’t put up with this behaviour, she isn’t 3!!

You need to speak to your DP and say it’s not happening anymore and he is to pull her up if she’s rude to you!
She cannot be allowed to make the rules, she’s a child, and currently being a disrespectful one at that.

If your DP refuses to deal with her then you need to pull her on her behaviour, she’s being rude to YOU and you are allowed to defend yourself in your own home.
My DH can at times be rubbish at dealing with his DD behaviour (not because he agrees with it but because he finds it hard) and the times he is I pull her up myself (if she’s rude or it impacts on me or the family). I wouldn’t let my child behave that way and nor can she under our roof.

Boundaries are essential for kids and if you bow down to this she will only get worse.

Happysalley · 29/01/2023 17:46

I wouldn't let my dc treat a stranger like that op, let alone a partner! To quote a mn classic, you have a dp problem.

JackieQueen · 29/01/2023 17:47

Just a thought but do you think she might want to spend some time on her own with her dad? It could be her clumsy way of trying to tell him without actually saying it, maybe she feels awkward.

Lkydfju · 29/01/2023 17:51

When she says that she’s not talking to you I’d expect your DH to be picking her up on it. In terms of the everything you say being wrong that’s the part I think you have to just swallow or make light of. I think teenagers (often more so girls) go through a stage where they struggle with the stepmum role even when well established and they push to see if they can get their dad on side and make sure they’re top of the pile type thing. I think they need to understand that yes they’re important and their dad loves them but you’re the other adult in the home and he also loves you and respect needs to be shown. If you let them then they take a divide and conquer approach

Daleksatemyshed · 29/01/2023 17:55

That's so disrespectful and your DH allowing it will only make it worse. Tell him you expect him to tell her off each time until she gives it up as a bad job. It may be hard for him but lots of things are hard, doesn't mean you don't do them

Original poster
Beech32 · 29/01/2023 17:58

JackieQueen · 29/01/2023 17:47

Just a thought but do you think she might want to spend some time on her own with her dad? It could be her clumsy way of trying to tell him without actually saying it, maybe she feels awkward.

I wish that was a possibility but they both already get one on one time, normally it's alternate weeks. Like last week the 2 of them went swimming and tonight dp and dss are out at football. We all spoke about it about 6 months ago and decided it was important. Normally when dp and dss are out we do something girly or she sees mates but tonight I'm cooking dinner while she's locked in her room. It's just awful. We normally have a really nice balance, obviously with the normal dramas etc but I've never felt so outcast before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beech32 · 29/01/2023 18:09

Daleksatemyshed · 29/01/2023 17:55

That's so disrespectful and your DH allowing it will only make it worse. Tell him you expect him to tell her off each time until she gives it up as a bad job. It may be hard for him but lots of things are hard, doesn't mean you don't do them

I know you're right and you're not the first person to say this on this thread so thank you. But what my partner said about feeling stuck in the middle, makes me feel nervous I guess. And me coming back with that will surely make it worse.

Normally with issues with the kids we discuss together and decide which way to work stuff. But I think after a particularly tough week at work he's worn out. I'm hoping this won't last and we'll be a team again on the next hiccup.

Because I know deep down he wouldn't be happy with her behaving like that to anyone. But I know also he's weak so normally needs me to tell him he's doing the right thing! Obviously not in their earshot.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 29/01/2023 18:45

@Beech32 it's good that you usually work these things out together but the trouble this time is the difference between being a parent and a step parent. As the DSM you can see that it's rude behaviour and all of a sudden your DSD who was previously pretty happy to be with you has become very anti SM, it's a problem that needs addressing. Your DH however sees this as a parent, he sees his daughter being rude but he's afraid to come down hard on her, he still sees his little girl and he wants to sweep it under the carpet. It's silly to say your DSD will have won if he does anything, she'll have won if she becomes more and more difficult and he doesn't address it.
I may seem a bit hard on your DSD and your DH but it's easy for him to ignore this when it's not him on the receiving end- if she took this attitute with him would he feel differently? This could start to esculate and I don't think you should have to feel like an outsider in your home, he needs to get to the bottom of the problem- surely your DSD hans't changed suddenly for no reason?

Kanaloa · 29/01/2023 18:47

I’m sorry, just need to check if I’ve understood correctly. Do you mean you have to sit silently at all times and you aren’t allowed to talk? And her dad thinks this must continue? Absolutely bizarre. Unfortunately I don’t think it’s something you can solve really, because this is very poor parenting on his part. He should immediately have put a stop to it but hasn’t.

Kanaloa · 29/01/2023 18:48

And I wouldn’t be entertaining any nonsense about him being ‘weak’ and needing you to tell him what to do/support him in parenting his own kids. He was strong enough to make them so he’s strong enough to raise them properly. Wet drippy baby behaviour is so off putting.

seratoninmoonbeams · 29/01/2023 18:49

SeasonFinale · 29/01/2023 16:31

Your DH is bonkers. She HAS won if you are not allowed to speak in your own home and DH facilitates this. Just carry on as normal and raise an eyebrow at her or him if they try to tell you that you should be doing otherwise.

EXACTLY. This scenario is the exact version that means she has won!

Original poster
Beech32 · 29/01/2023 18:58

seratoninmoonbeams · 29/01/2023 18:49

EXACTLY. This scenario is the exact version that means she has won!

Show quote history

That's what I think but we'll see. She's locked herself in her room all afternoon but I'm just about to dish up the lovingly prepared roast, so we'll see how dinner goes. I'm sad now though because I've realised my other half has neither said sorry or asked how I'm feeling. Might have to miss happy valley tonight and go to bed early. How silly.

OP posts:
Reugny · 29/01/2023 19:05

If she is now locking herself in her room when you are suppose to be caring for her, then unfortunately for you "D" h you need to tell him you cannot care for her any longer on your own.

This means she either has to go to a mates every time he takes her brother to football or she goes with them.

This is non-negotiable as it is about her safety particularly if she can go online.

If he refuses to take you seriously then next time he plans to take his son to football go out on your own an hour before hand. If he rings you tell him you are not coming back until much later and then turn your phone off.

Sorry but sometimes you need to make it crystal clear a parent needs to parent their own child and you cannot do it for them.

ijustneedanamefgs · 29/01/2023 20:43

Definitely a partner problem. Teenagers step or not are often difficult, that’s a given. I’m on my 4th lol. You being a step parent just makes you an easy target. You needed yourself and dp to let your dsd know you are not going to take being an easy target for her rudeness. You wouldn’t allow her to speak to a stranger on the street like that, why are you showing her it’s ok to speak to you like that? Your dp is allowing his 11yr old to disrespect the person he’s meant to respect the most. He’s allowing a her vs you. You are also allowing it. It’s not rocket science that she’s going to take advantage of that. It’s normal for a teen to see where boundaries are and try to push them. Yous need to show yous are a team, a united front, and neither of you will be disrespected.
A parent doesn’t get to keep the peace and use the excuse of being tired. Your dsd will just get worse, and then she will just add to the people she decides she doesn’t need to respect. He’s doing her no favours.

blackbeardsballsack · 30/01/2023 15:30

JackieQueen · 29/01/2023 17:47

Just a thought but do you think she might want to spend some time on her own with her dad? It could be her clumsy way of trying to tell him without actually saying it, maybe she feels awkward.

Any behaviour seems to be excused when a child has divorced parents. Even if she does want more one on one time with her dad, this is separate from her unacceptable behaviour towards OP.

If my DC treated absolutely anybody like this child is treating the OP, it would never be excused by 'oh but he's just fell out with his friends' or 'the dog isn't well' or any reason at all. I don't know why being a stepchild seems to give total immunity to being told off.

beachcitygirl · 30/01/2023 16:42

He is being atrociously awful.

Do NOT allow him to allow her to treat you like this.

Every single time she does it she needs pulled up by him for her rudeness & there needs to be consequences.

Do keep treating her with kindness and attempting to draw her in but the minute she's rude - raised eyebrow at your dh.

Nip this in the bud now.
He doesn't want to? Aww diddums
Life is dull of things we don't want to do. Too bad, he has to step up.

Madam has to be told to be quiet & behave.

MeridianB · 30/01/2023 18:29

It’s not clear whether she just ignores you or tells you to be quiet and whether this is all the time.

But of course all of the above is unacceptable.

it needs to stop. Would DH put up with this if she was ignoring his mother? Or a teacher?

And it’s a real cheek for him to allow it to happen ‘for a quiet life’ especially as you’ve been very involved with their care.

You did all their homeschooling in lockdown and he thinks you don’t even deserve the courtesy of being included in a conversation in your own home?

You have a big Disney DH problem.

billy1966 · 30/01/2023 18:35

You are being treated appallingly by him and his children.

You are fine to skivvy for them all but heaven forbid you are treated with basic courtesy and respect.

Unfortunately you describe him as weak and you must have low self esteem to be afraid to rock the boat.

Teens will sometimes treat you with disrespect if you allow it.

You really shouldn't allow ii.

He is concerned about himself and is prepared to allow you to be treated badly while you create a nice home for his children.

Perhaps you should leave him to cook for his children.

You deserve better than a weak selfish man who would tolerate this.