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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is this fair

88 replies

squareblue · 16/01/2023 13:53

Inspired by another thread...have name changed. Wondering if I am inadvertently partially funding my stepchild. Situation is this:

Married for 4 years, I owned house before we met but extended when we got married thereby making my mortgage bigger. House is in my name and we have an agreed % split which reflects this in the event that anything should happen
Three kids between us but only one of them is at home (his child). We have a 4 bed house
We did earn roughly the same salary but I just dropped my hours and now earn about £10k less than him
We both pay an equal share of mortgage, bills and food
Stepchild stays with us 3 nights a week

My drop in salary is making me wonder whether the division of costs is still fair. If we had no kids at home we could downsize and save on living costs. I want to retire in 7 or 8 years so I have one eye on savings and my pension pot.

What do you think? He is generous to a fault sometimes so if he thought I was getting a raw deal he would change things straight away but I think he probably hasn't thought about it.

OP posts:

Reugny · 16/01/2023 14:03

It's up to you.

How often do your own children visit and stay.

Original poster

squareblue · 16/01/2023 14:09

Reugny · 16/01/2023 14:03

It's up to you.

How often do your own children visit and stay.

Maybe twice a year for around a week.

OP posts:

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/01/2023 14:15

It doesn't sound like a raw deal.
10k could be a huge consideration or not really depending what the salary is.
I always think a fair division is an equal % of your salary each, into a joint point to fund joint expenses.
But I'm not sure if I had a life partner with whom I had a fair split on house ownership and who split things fairly I would feel hard done by and when you get together you accept each others children so I don't think I've still being at home should be tallied (assuming they're at home for reasonable reasons).
You now have more time by reducing your hours which you probably spend to the benefit of you both, does his extra 10k end up being used in part to benefit you both?

Original poster

squareblue · 16/01/2023 14:17

Nope, house extra 10k is for his benefit. We literally pay our own expenses, be that holidays/meals out etc

OP posts:

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 16/01/2023 14:17

Well if you only have 1 child living there surely you can still downsize to a 3 or even a 2 bed house…. Unless you’re wanting to keep extra rooms for when your own children visit……

Why did you decrease your hours if you’re being mindful of pension and savings? Did your dh agree with this? If he did then it does seem reasonable to decrease your contribution slightly although or course that means his will have to increase even though he’s not earning any more. Does his child life with you full time?

I absolutely believe that step parents are under no obligation to fund their step kids but I’m not sure that’s entirely what’s happening here?

Original poster

squareblue · 16/01/2023 14:18

*his extra 10k

OP posts:

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/01/2023 14:19

Why don't you just say now I'm on less money shall we switch the 50/50 split on costs to a % of salary contribution.
Might he then question why he's contributing half the mortgage and not just half the additional cost of the upside was (as you retain % ownership of the original houses value)?

ShowerMenthol · 16/01/2023 14:20

Downsize now to a two bed, he isn’t making you wait.

excelledyourself · 16/01/2023 14:22

You have a room for your daughter and an office that was your older SS bedroom, whereas your husband only needs one room
for his youngest.

What's the raw deal? I don't get it.

FinallyHere · 16/01/2023 14:24

Sorry, im not really following the OP

If you are focussed on your career and pension, and do not have parenting responsibilities, why have you cut back on one day per week, working only four days a week?

I'd start there.

Original poster

squareblue · 16/01/2023 14:28

Well I dropped my hours because I can afford to, and I want to slow down. I didn't say I was focused on my career. I can drop hours whilst still balancing retirement needs - I don't know why it's that bit which is being focused on. I was thinking more about household bills split which would be lower if it was just the two of us but it seems the consensus is that I should suck up the extra cost.

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 16/01/2023 14:28

You were subsidizing before the salary drop of the costs were 50/50, but he has a child living there.

you could say that you want to split bills proportional to income, but it’s not necessarily fair to just announce that you are reducing hours or income and expect a partner to pick up the slack financially. That has to be a mutual decision

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/01/2023 14:30

^ succinct and well put

MintJulia · 16/01/2023 14:32

What happens if he chooses to reduce his hours too?

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 16/01/2023 14:37

squareblue · 16/01/2023 14:28

Your stepchild is there 3 days a week - how much is that actually adding to your bills?

You are decreasing your hours because you can afford to but whether there was a child there or not that has an impact on what you’re expecting your husband to pay? So is he happy for you to reduce your hours or is this just a decision you’ve made for yourself?

Original poster

squareblue · 16/01/2023 14:39

Husband is happy with me reducing hours.

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 16/01/2023 14:41

Absolutely nothing is stopping you from downsizing. The SC really can't be adding that much more cost overall.

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 16/01/2023 14:50

So if you’ve spoken to your husband about working less hours, did you have a conversation then about splitting the bills differently? Because if your contribution goes down then presumably his will have to go up even though his wages aren’t?

To my mind having a child there 3 days a week really doesn’t add much on at all - a bit of gas/elec/water, an extra portion of a meal….. so I don’t think using that as your reason is really justifiable. And it is strange that you say you can’t downsize from a 4 bed house because of 1 child.

YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 · 16/01/2023 14:55

I think bills is a tricky one. Technically you could say he should pay more of them because he has a child living there for near enough half the week who isn't your responsibility to house.

But personally I'd not dig too deep into that kind of thing.

What I would do though is maintain a semi separation of our finances by having my own disposable once joint bills are paid. I wouldn't be paying for anything (aside from regular household bills) that his child needs out of a family 'pot'.

Id expect him to pay for maintenance, clothes, treats, uniforms, hobbies and whatever else his child needs money for out of whatever he had left once he'd paid half the bills. I wouldn't be touching costs like that with a barge pole out of the remaining money I had after bills. I'll never completely join finances with DH and one of the main reasons is DSC.

YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 · 16/01/2023 14:57

I'm sure some will say but that's not a partnership or whatever but to me, the partnership when it comes to his children are said children's parents. He is jointly responsible (so in a co parenting partnership) for those children with his ex, not me.

FinallyHere · 16/01/2023 15:09

Well I dropped my hours because I can afford to

That does change the argument about the 50:50 split of costs quite significantly, IMO

Dropping hours for parenting or even household stuff fair enough, assuming you have discussed and agreed it in advance. Did he agree with dropping your hours because you can afford to in isolation from your contribution to household costs?

Unilaterally deciding to drop your hours because you can afford to, then deciding you can no longer afford 50:50 split of costs doesn't really sit right with me.

JustForABitofFun · 16/01/2023 15:10

We don't split our money like this but if we did, and my husband wanted to decrease his working hours and therefore his contribution to the house, I think I'd be a bit fed up. It's quite a different thing if he had been made redundant and was earning less!

If I've read this all wrong then please do tell me!

Original poster

squareblue · 16/01/2023 15:15

So like I said, I discussed with him beforehand and he was in agreement. I said I would continue to pay what I pay now. I'm not suggesting I'll go back on this but I guess it's just got me thinking - now that I have less spare cash, should we balance things out a bit? But most of you seem to think not so that's fine, was just looking for opinions.

FWIW when we had 3 at home (2 his, 1 mine) we split food 60/40 with him paying the bigger share.

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 16/01/2023 15:20

Presumably the % split of the house equity you've agreed takes into account that you paid into the house before he came along so your bigger financial contribution is recognised in that way. I think it would be fine to ask him to pay a larger share than you towards the house now as long as his % ownership of the house is adjusted to recognise him making a larger financial contribution. You can't expect to pay less than half now, and still retain ownership of the same amount as it was calculated based on paying your full half contribution. You either have separate finances, in which the % split is based upon contribution, or you work as a team, subbing each other as needed, with the property split 50/50 regardless of an individuals contribution.

Regarding food and bills, I think it's reasonable for him to put in a small amount more. But one child for 3 days a week isn't really going to add a whole lot extra to the bills or shopping tbh. Maybe he could chuck £100/m into a "treats" account in recognition of this or something like that?

Slowgrowingelm · 16/01/2023 15:24

Off point, but when you say you have ‘and agreed % split’ is this agreed according to a declaration of trust, or similar, or is it a verbal agreement?

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