Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Is this fair

88 replies

squareblue · 16/01/2023 13:53

Inspired by another thread...have name changed. Wondering if I am inadvertently partially funding my stepchild. Situation is this:

Married for 4 years, I owned house before we met but extended when we got married thereby making my mortgage bigger. House is in my name and we have an agreed % split which reflects this in the event that anything should happen
Three kids between us but only one of them is at home (his child). We have a 4 bed house
We did earn roughly the same salary but I just dropped my hours and now earn about £10k less than him
We both pay an equal share of mortgage, bills and food
Stepchild stays with us 3 nights a week

My drop in salary is making me wonder whether the division of costs is still fair. If we had no kids at home we could downsize and save on living costs. I want to retire in 7 or 8 years so I have one eye on savings and my pension pot.

What do you think? He is generous to a fault sometimes so if he thought I was getting a raw deal he would change things straight away but I think he probably hasn't thought about it.

OP posts:
Wellwell82 · 16/01/2023 15:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 16/01/2023 15:30

Your partnership sounds blessed with a sense of fair play and good communication between two decent people.
I'd just chat it through with him, things aren't completely financially balanced (though not alarmingly) so worth a review together. But in life finances is often only one part of the division of life's contributions/resources so there might be other things you'd both like to check in and see if they're still working since they were set up.
A good heart to heart about where you see things going etc is always worth doing and he sounds like you could have that conversation.

Wellwell82 · 16/01/2023 15:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

squareblue · 16/01/2023 15:34

@Wellwell82 - yes. Is that unusual?

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose thanks...yes, it's taken us a while to get to this point but we communicate well.

OP posts:
Wellwell82 · 16/01/2023 15:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Wellwell82 · 16/01/2023 15:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

squareblue · 16/01/2023 15:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

They're still in school - no financial contribution made. Teenager.

OP posts:
Wellwell82 · 16/01/2023 15:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

squareblue · 16/01/2023 15:41

Sorry @Wellwell82 but you haven't even properly read the original post and just seem intent on interrogating me.

OP posts:
Wellwell82 · 16/01/2023 15:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Wellwell82 · 16/01/2023 15:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

user432900976 · 16/01/2023 15:47

Why is he paying 50% towards the mortgage when the house is in your name only?

Reugny · 16/01/2023 15:51

user432900976 · 16/01/2023 15:47

Why is he paying 50% towards the mortgage when the house is in your name only?

Well he can go and rent somewhere.

However where I live and where members of my family and friends live in different parts of the country, rent is more than a mortgage that was fixed before September.

squareblue · 16/01/2023 15:51

@user432900976 because that's reflected in the share of the house he would be entitled to which we have agreed, should anything happen.

@Wellwell82 - everything is 50/50. Whether he had property before he met me is irrelevant to the question I'm asking. Let's assume not.

OP posts:
Reugny · 16/01/2023 15:52

OP ignore some posters as they just have it in for step-parents particularly step-mothers.

You are the only one who can decide what is fair or not.

WhenDovesFly · 16/01/2023 16:00

You've got less disposable cash because you chose to reduce your hours though. I can't see one child incurring much additional cost on standard household bills. Do they eat you out of house and home? If not then I wouldn't adjust much, if at all, for food either.

If however you were spending a lot of your cash on after school activities, hobbies, gadgets etc for the child, that might be worth looking at.

Wellwell82 · 16/01/2023 16:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

squareblue · 16/01/2023 16:12

But if he had property which he bought before I met him then it's not a marital asset. And the question I asked was around split of monthly expenses.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 16/01/2023 16:17

user432900976 · 16/01/2023 15:47

Why is he paying 50% towards the mortgage when the house is in your name only?

My DH does. It's still way way less than rent if he were to pay that somewhere.

Wellwell82 · 16/01/2023 16:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

forrestgreen · 16/01/2023 16:25

I'd wouldn't address the drop in your wage but more the fact that there are two people on his side and one on yours that live there.

5050 on the mortgage
2/3 1/3 on bills

user432900976 · 16/01/2023 16:33

He shouldn't be paying 50% towards a mortgage that does not benefit him.

A rental amount with an agreement is fine, but this isn't it.

He'd be well entitled to try to put a claim in if you should split.

If this was reversed the OP would be told to run for the hills.

squareblue · 16/01/2023 16:42

@user432900976 if we split up he gets a % of the house which we have already agreed, which reflect his contribution since we got married.

Honestly, I'm sick of repeating myself. Are people just determined to answer the question which I haven't actually asked?

OP posts:
PigleyWibbly · 16/01/2023 16:43

If you are a team then what does it matter?

I have 3 DC and my DH - who is their stepdad - pays towards all of them, our money is pooled. when we first talked about living together I said obviously there would be a split when I paid more, for food and bills. He said not to be ridiculous and we have shared everything ever since. He does earn a bit more than me but I also only work part time.

On the other hand, we now have a house together where I paid a very big deposit, but it’s both our home, we both contribute to the mortgage, and I didn’t ring fence any of that money.

In your situation, it seems a bit miserly that you are nitpicking about one child three days a week, when you have someone paying half your mortgage while you benefit from increased equity but he doesn’t..

user432900976 · 16/01/2023 16:48

squareblue · 16/01/2023 16:42

@user432900976 if we split up he gets a % of the house which we have already agreed, which reflect his contribution since we got married.

Honestly, I'm sick of repeating myself. Are people just determined to answer the question which I haven't actually asked?

What's the percentage and when was this drawn up with the solicitor?