Is this fair

[squareblue]

Inspired by another thread...have name changed. Wondering if I am inadvertently partially funding my stepchild. Situation is this:

Married for 4 years, I owned house before we met but extended when we got married thereby making my mortgage bigger. House is in my name and we have an agreed % split which reflects this in the event that anything should happen
Three kids between us but only one of them is at home (his child). We have a 4 bed house
We did earn roughly the same salary but I just dropped my hours and now earn about £10k less than him
We both pay an equal share of mortgage, bills and food
Stepchild stays with us 3 nights a week

My drop in salary is making me wonder whether the division of costs is still fair. If we had no kids at home we could downsize and save on living costs. I want to retire in 7 or 8 years so I have one eye on savings and my pension pot.

What do you think? He is generous to a fault sometimes so if he thought I was getting a raw deal he would change things straight away but I think he probably hasn't thought about it.

I think that's silly personally.

Providing the partner reducing their hours still contributes their half to the bills and whatever else, I don't see why they shouldn't just because their partners job doesn't allow for the same thing. How is one way selfish but the other isn't? Surely it's equally selfish to expect your partner not to reduce their hours just because you can't?

That's more what my question was about ie is this a fair split when I don't have any kids at home
Did yours ever lived with you as a couple and did you pay more than?

What happens if one of your decide to come back home?

In my situation, I'm the one with the kids OH have none. My OH doesn't ask me to pay more when my children are back home, which is FT for 4 months over the summer. It would be odd if he did. It doesn't cost that much more.

I wouldn't expect my OH to pay more though if I decided to go PT and vice versa.

How much kids cost seems to vary massively depending on context.

It would seem from many posts that CM is not enough to cover the upkeep of a child for a resident parent who has a child 4 days, but when a step parent is contributing then it's not very much to cover food, gas, bills etc.

I personally would expect my DH to pay more to cover his child's added household costs in this situation or be downsizing and continuing adding to saving/pension. ATM we put in 50/50 with one shared child and SC but we are in the middle of family life. When kid(s) have moved out I expect to wind down full throttle working and enjoy life a little more, if a kid returned we would have to have a serious discussion on how to split/manage costs fairly.

@vivainsomnia we've had all three home in the past - one mine, two his. We used to split food bills 60/40 with him paying more. Bills have always been split equally.

@squareblue If it feels unfair to you, there is probably a reason deep down that you haven't figured out yet. So - pen and paper and start writing your thoughts down on this. Keep writing every day for a couple of weeks and something may pop out and bring you some clarity.

Maybe start by working out how much extra it actually does cost. I wouldn't include the mortgage and that you'd otherwise downsize unless you have actively discussed it and agreed you would do that as soon as youngest leaves and that would indeed mean a smaller mortgage.

So that leaves electricity, gas and food that is higher due to his DC. How much would that equals to? And extra £40 a week maybe at the very most? So £20 each?

Is it worth the possible resentment or worse throw back for £80 a month? Say in 5 years time, your own DC comes back to live with you for 6 months and he ask you for that extra.

It just doesn't feel worth it to me unless you are really struggling for cash, but in that case, why cut down hours?

There are all sorts of costs in a relationship. Not all of them financial. Emotional labour, wifework etc. Perhaps the DSC is at a particularly awkward stage and is very draining on the OP's mental resources. Perhaps the in-laws are needing care and OP is being lent on. Something has tipped the balance.

We work it out as each paying a % of income.

I haven't asked for DH to pay more because of DSD, but only because I also put food for my menagerie of pets in the basket too so it works out about even.

If I didn't have pets, I'd work out how much extra it is as teens can be expensive (I remember my mum complaining about my super long showers, leaving lights on and always being hungry 😁) & then once you've worked out how much it is, have a chat with your husband.

I'd also work out what the difference would be if you did pay proportionately to income.

Seeing the figures might help you work out what you want to do.