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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step son doesn’t want to visit

231 replies

Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 09:16

My 15 year old step son hasn’t enjoyed visiting us for a while now, and it’s reached the point he’s absolutely vile for the 2 days EOW he’s here. He sulks in his bed all day and lashes out at our children when he leaves his room. He won’t join us when we go anywhere and if he has no choice he sulks. We got him to sit in the living room with us last weekend and he faced the wall for an hour.

We can understand why he doesn’t want to come sometimes.. his life is at home .. his pc, friends, mum, home comforts and no younger siblings to irritate him (they only need to breathe to wind him up).

He’s pleaded with his mum to let him skip a weekend here and there, or only stay for 1 night sometimes but she will not have any of it. His friends often have things planned (IRL or on PC) he can’t join because he’s coming to us… we live quite a way from him.

We’ve stressed to her how unhappy he is when he visits but she will not listen.

I think forcing him to come is damaging the relationship he has with us all and it’s causing a lot of resentment.

I genuinely think this could be rectified if he could ‘skip a weekend’ here and there so he looked forward to coming? We do this every now and then if we have a holiday or whatever and honestly when he comes after having not seen us for a longer period of time he is much happier.

I also think at 15 you should have some sort of say in how you spend your weekend? I certainly did at that age! He literally spends the two days here waiting to go home, to a point half an hour before he leaves he sits on the stairs with his things.

I feel so sad for him. Any ideas how we could tackle this? He’s so welcome here, we’ve tried so hard with him and I have nothing more I can give.

OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 15/01/2023 19:27

My post should start "I'm not saying the shouldn't change"

ThuMuClu · 15/01/2023 19:40

This focus on moving an hour away is a bit of a red herring I think. My DP has lived less than a 20 minute drive from his dc since he left, always had them all weekend, every weekend plus time in week, really close relationship etc - they’ve still decided as teens they want to be at home more at weekends. He will happily drive them around to peoples houses / facilitate social life etc but they just understandably prefer being at home which is more convenient, means they have their whole wardrobe to choose from for that perfect hanging round the park outfit etc,

Coffeepot72 · 15/01/2023 19:46

But maybe a slight reduction might be the best solution for a while? I don’t think anyone disputes that a child spends less time at home/with parents as they get older? And what sort of alternative would work if a reduction isn’t appropriate? Maybe the distance to the OP’s home, or transport, may preclude doing extra visits during the week?

It doesn’t help that maintenance payments are so closely linked to nights at the father’s house - it often means common sense goes out the window.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/01/2023 20:21

Coffeepot72 · 15/01/2023 18:55

I agree he shouldn’t be being forced at that age.
why is the mum forcing him to come? Is it because she does something while he is away or she feels she needs respite from caring.

Our situation was similar. The ex was hellbent on preserving every minute of her DSS-free time, and the access schedule was rigidly adhered to until DSS went to Uni. Any hints at changing things were met by threats to get the maintenance reviewed, But it was such an artificial situation - even if DH and his ex had stayed together, a teenage DSS would not have spent EOW doing activities with his Dad, he would have been doing normal teenage stuff with his mates. We were prepared to be flexible but the ex wasn’t, and DH was terrified of rocking the boat. So DSS missed out on a lot

Good for her. It's a shame the dss missed out on stuff because his dad couldn't facilitate it on his days.

Stomacharmeleon · 15/01/2023 20:39

@arethereanyleftatall that's ridiculous sorry. His mother is not facilitating her sons needs she is putting hers first.
No one goes into parenting expecting a set amount of time off. Whilst they are young it's important to have a routine but none of my sons have stuck to religious EOW when they have reached post 13/14 with their own lives.
They don't need to be micromanaged by either parent. It's natural to have a base.
Her child will resent her.

Coffeepot72 · 15/01/2023 20:41

Totally agree @Stomacharmeleon

arethereanyleftatall · 15/01/2023 20:56

'Putting her needs first' like the father did for years and years?

NewNameNigel · 15/01/2023 21:05

arethereanyleftatall · 15/01/2023 20:56

'Putting her needs first' like the father did for years and years?

How do you know that

aSofaNearYou · 15/01/2023 21:11

arethereanyleftatall · 15/01/2023 20:56

'Putting her needs first' like the father did for years and years?

People are getting caught up in the blame game. There isn't a villain here, just a kid who strongly wants to be in one place.

Stomacharmeleon · 15/01/2023 22:24

@arethereanyleftatall why is that the case? They aren't together and generally one person has them a longer stretches. They build their home there but consider their other parent.
I have seen no point where his father neglects him.
He is making to clear to both sets of parents that he wants a change in access. At 13.14/15 should there be a need for such rigid mess. It seems to work better with an ad hoc relationship and in this day and age the teenage child doesn't have to be present all the time. He could call or FaceTime. He might not even want to do that.
It's an odd time with teens. My middle one now says his dad more regularly at 21 as they have a shared interest (rugby)
I just don't see the Dad as the bad guy here. They all need to sit down and work out a better system.

YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 · 15/01/2023 22:56

making a suggestion that enables the teen to see his Dad regularly but in a way that is more in keeping with what teens want

Maybe he's just not arsed about spending EOW or regular time with his dad right now? I mean it's not abnormal for teenagers to not be that arsed about spending time with their parents regularly is it?

YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 · 15/01/2023 23:01

I just think there needs to come a point where contact is as and when the child wants it, not forced on them.

Making his time "more fun" whatever that means EOW at his dad's house isn't imo going to make a 15 year old who's only really arsed about his mates right now want to stay anymore.

Maybe he just doesn't want to move around EOW, maybe he wants to have his room, his stuff, his mates around. Really how much "fun stuff" do you think a 15 year old boy really wants to do with his dad?

He needs some autonomy over his time and where it's spent. It's perfectly appropriate to give teens that as they get older.

It would be the same if Dad was the RP (as it was in my case). He wants to stay in what he sees as his home. That's understandable. Unfortunately for mum, her house is what he sees as his home. She cannot have expected to stick to rigid contact forever surely?

caringcarer · 15/01/2023 23:26

Your DH needs to have a frank discussion with his son about how frequently he wants to visit your house. Then if D's says once a month DH needs to go back to court with son as Nd let him tell j it she is what he wants. If he is forced into contact now at 15 he will not want it once he gets a choice and be resentful.

Coffeepot72 · 16/01/2023 07:23

I think the threat/possibility of having to go back to court is a real hindrance in these situations. Routines/behaviour patterns are not allowed to evolve naturally as a child gets older, because nine times out of ten the arrangements are court-ordered and form the basis of maintenance payments. I totally understand that younger children may need routine but it’s ridiculous to impose that sort of schedule on older teens

Wowwellokthen · 16/01/2023 07:33

My ex moved 1.5 hours away when the kids were under 10. now at 15yrs old plus they refuse to go as it takes ages to get there and is boring as no friends/pc. He hasn't pushed it and so takes them out for Sunday lunch most weekends. That's it. I'm not bothered as I can still "get a break" as they can stay home alone at this age. It's a tricky one but they need some autonomy at this age otherwise they will become resentful and moody.

Coffeepot72 · 16/01/2023 07:49

That sounds like a sensible compromise @Wowwellokthen I assume you didn’t take your ex to court over the changed arrangements!

arethereanyleftatall · 16/01/2023 09:31

@Coffeepot72
You keep putting an '!'as if it's an absurd suggestion that child maintenance should be increased if the amount of time a NRP spends with their child is decreased, and thus the RPs increased. The law is that the CM payable is dependent on the amount of time the NRP spends, specifically nights. Do you not agree with that law?

bumpytrumpy · 16/01/2023 09:35

I think the boy needs a different approach.

Getting him a new PC when he's already addicted to one is ridiculous. He "physically lashed out" when a 4 year old touched his phone. That's not the sign of a happy boy secure in his family. Maybe his mum needs a break from his aggressive behaviour, have you actually asked her what he's like at home?

Does he have a step dad at home? He sounds like he's craving positive male attention and role models. His dad could be engaging with him on a different level - why don't they plan one weekend away a month and then just one at your house. Get him involved with the planning and make it suit his interests. Gaming exhibition or similar if necessary to start off with !

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 16/01/2023 09:39

Thanks for all the comments. There were so many I tried to read as many as I could.

To confirm, my step son has his own room and space here.

He is so very welcome too, I’m not saying he’s not welcome or we WANT to reduce contact, it’s just a tricky path to navigate at the moment and we want to do it right. Being ‘forced’ to come is causing him a lot of resentment and we want the time he spends here to be enjoyable so that once he’s moved past this really tricky phase, he has a healthy relationship with us and doesn’t continue to push away. He knows he’s got a home here should he want it.

His mum gets every other weekend ‘off’ but her mum also stays with him on ‘her weekends’ and he requires very little ‘minding’ as he’s 15 and on his games. They don’t eat together even.

By ‘lashed out’ at 4 year old I didn’t mean just a push, he literally picked him up and threw him across the room. He reacts disproportionately, I actually think it’s a lot to do with the fact he’s not particularly used to young children so doesn’t really know what to do.

We’ve tried everything over the years, my husband isn’t going to book into an air bnb at weekends. He’s also not going to keep taking him out on trips step son doesn’t want to go on. I have previously mentioned my step son actually asked to stop doing these things… he point blank refused to go in the end. DH had rugby tickets and he wouldn’t get in the car. Also a laser tag thing, he wouldn’t put the equipment on. Also weekends are for us to spend as a family too.. or are our children whose parents ARE together only supposed to see their father every other weekend as well? He works all hours at the moment during the week and is sometimes working away.

Some replies have gone off on a tangent… what I was trying to ask was is it reasonable for him to have a say in when he visits, and what in earth do we do about a mum who is expecting every other weekend off?

I like the suggestion of keeping monitors, mouse, keyboard here and bringing the pc tower thing. Only slight issue, SS is rarely allowed back home on a Friday when it’s not ‘mums weekend’ so DH has to collect from school and getting it will likely be an issue.

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 16/01/2023 09:43

arethereanyleftatall · 16/01/2023 09:31

@Coffeepot72
You keep putting an '!'as if it's an absurd suggestion that child maintenance should be increased if the amount of time a NRP spends with their child is decreased, and thus the RPs increased. The law is that the CM payable is dependent on the amount of time the NRP spends, specifically nights. Do you not agree with that law?

You do realise that court and the cms don't actually need to be involved at all don't you. You know, if parents act like adults....

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 16/01/2023 09:43

YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 · 15/01/2023 15:21

But the point is, this is all about the parents and not about the boy who is making what he wants clear and people are ignoring it.

Yes mum should be entitled to a break but currently that means forcing her 15 year old son out of the house EOW when it's been made very clear that he doesn't want to do that anymore.

He's 15. In a year he'll be heading off to college. You can't expect your kids to want to keep to rigid contact schedules forever, they are people themselves with their own wants and feelings, not just a possession to be sent to dad because mum needs a break.

Does that mean I think dad has done everything perfectly? No. But right now there is a 15 year old in the middle of this who seems to be making it quite clear what HE wants and no one is listening.

Show quote history

Yes, this!!

I’m by no way suggesting my DH has got it right over the years, but he really has tried.

In the middle of everything is a 15 year old saying what he wants and he’s actually pretty much old enough to be able to have that opinion. I personally would have been mortified being forced out of my home to stay with my dad every other weekend 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 16/01/2023 09:47

Some replies have gone off on a tangent

Of course they did its the step parenting forum. Lots of non step parents like to post here solely to make step mothers feel bad. Don't take nasty comments to heart.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/01/2023 09:50

I'd really hope so @NewNameNigel

Presumably all these NRPs are automatically increasing their payments when they no longer look after their children.

rookiemere · 16/01/2023 09:51

Oh gosh with your update OP, DSS sounds like such an unhappy teen and as for not even having meals with his DM Sad. It all sounds so sad for everyone concerned. I honestly don't know what the answer is.

The only thing I'd say about moving a sophisticated PC from place to place is that it may increase the chances of it breaking. I know it's an extra cost but it may be less faff in the long run to pay for a "good enough " computer at your house instead.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 16/01/2023 09:53

I was going to suggest if both parents are happy for him to be home alone in daylight hours he could spend some of Saturday or Sunday at home at mums place on his own, on his PC or go visit a mate, some weekends he could just stay with you for the nights. Given he's not allowed home on those Fridays I'm guessing that wouldn't be allowed.

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