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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU to be able to enjoy our weekends?

92 replies

JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 09:24

For the past year their have been issues with 12 yo DSS coming to stay for his EOW contact with Dad. Kept being ‘ill’ every time came to his weekend with DP or would say was too tired etc. we have adjusted things so that instead of Friday - Sunday only comes Sat-Sun now but DP often doesn’t collect him til midday and as is nearly hours drive isn’t back until early afternoon. Yesterday i’d had enough I was yet again left with the baby and my elder DD who has expressed herself that it’s not fair that we don’t get to do anything as have to wait around all day for DP and DSS to come back. By the time they got back yesterday i’d still not managed to shower as was so busy taking down the bloody Xmas decs, sorting the baby etc. Baby was beside himself as needed to go out in pushchair for his walk.
I expressed to DP (admittedly in stressed out tone) that picking DSS up so late just isn’t working for us. We have tried to be gentle and accommodate his needs to make him feel more comfortable with coming over but it’s not fair to impact on other kids and ruin our weekends together. We never get to plan a proper day out. DP now not talking to me says I shouldn’t have been stressed about it and understood the reasons why he picks him up late etc. Argh! I’ve had enough I can’t live like this anymore.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Coffeepot72 · 09/01/2023 22:44

If I’m reading this correctly - the midday pick ups and drop offs completely bisect both days, and the OP would prefer different timings so that everyone can spend time together?

clpsmum · 09/01/2023 22:57

lookluv · 08/01/2023 10:23

Where shall we start with this:

The child obviously does not feel comfortable/happy/welcome at his fathers home - so the solution was to reduce contact!
Picking him up at midday - your DP is the adult and in control
An hours drive is not that long - they get some bonding time
He is a pre teen his needs are changing
He comes every other weekend - so rather than exagerrate you get 26 weekends to do as you want and 26 where you need to accommodate.
52 days of the year out of 365 this child affects your household - you are accommodating bugger all.
The baby did not need to go for a walk in the pushchair
Your DP did not leave at the crack of dawn so yu had plenty of time to shower and 10 days to taken down the decorations.

Completely get why your DP was pissed off - you do not want his already unsettled child in the house - lets suggest one weekend a month and your life will only be inconvenienced for 24 days of the year.

I think you need to take a step back look at it from both your DPs and his sons point of view and come up with a solution which is inclusive of all children in the house and allows one of them some solo time with his father who he barely sees.
You do not come across well because a child sees his dad 52 days of the year and you dont like it. Give it a year and he will sit in his room on his phone/computer and you will decree the travel time is a waste so why bother at all - attitudes like give SMs and blended families a bad name

Perfectly said

PeppermintChoc · 10/01/2023 06:23

Coffeepot72 · 09/01/2023 22:44

If I’m reading this correctly - the midday pick ups and drop offs completely bisect both days, and the OP would prefer different timings so that everyone can spend time together?

Exactly.

wicked witch.

AliceinSlumberland · 10/01/2023 06:51

Could step son not come Friday evening, after school or after tea and stay till Saturday tea time?

MeridianB · 10/01/2023 07:06

S72 · 08/01/2023 21:40

Why don't you encourage your partner to pick up his son, then just the two of them go straight out somewhere for some precious one on one time every other Saturday? Then come back to yours for a family dinner, and have Sunday as a blended family before he goes home? One on one time is vital for that age.

Take a step back and let them focus on their bond, so hopefully your DSS will want to increase his hours again.

I really like this idea but would make it an earlier start, so they spend the morning together and maybe grab an sandwich, with OP assuming she won't see them until afternoon/dinner time on those days.

I can see how the Friday night got dropped (tired after school, needs to decompress, enjoy his space at his mum's) but the late start and early finish at the weekend feels like it has swung too far the other way.

Coffeepot72 · 10/01/2023 07:45

Yes. Would it really be the end of the world to adjust the timings slightly? I do think the OP has a point.

PeppermintChoc · 10/01/2023 09:04

Coffeepot72 · 10/01/2023 07:45

Yes. Would it really be the end of the world to adjust the timings slightly? I do think the OP has a point.

Be ideal if he could come straight from school Friday.

Marblessolveeverything · 10/01/2023 09:30

I would be careful about pushing back on the DSS on pick up time. My reading is he wanted the time that suits him - i.e. he has Friday evening to chill with friends/mum and then has a lie in and chill morning - which my experience of teens is what they need.

If all was equal, or they were at step mothers more then yes I would offer Friday even/Sat morning pickup - however, you are in a space where the DSS can disengage and will be moving to autonomy. For the sake of DSS and fathers relationship I wouldn't push it. In the great scheme of things it is 26 days out of the year that he has with his father - surely this should be the priority. Why does he have to share that tiny amount of time with his father ?

Skyeheather · 10/01/2023 09:42

Could your DP and DSS make the Saturday Daddy and son day - your DP picks up his son and they go off and do something together just the two of them, then they don't need to rush back home. DSS might enjoy some Father and son time if he struggles with the weekend visit.

You can spend Saturday doing something just your DD and baby sibling. All of you can do something nice together on the Sunday before DSS returns home.

Coffeepot72 · 10/01/2023 10:26

I would also be careful about allowing the whims of teenager to rule your household.

Marblessolveeverything · 10/01/2023 11:49

@Coffeepot72 to be fair he isn't asking to rule the household - he stated his wants about his access to his father. To facilitate the all the children together for longer over the weekend - then DSS loses his Friday decompress time with friends and his lie in - teens need these things and typically their body clock is working to a natural more nocturnal pattern.

My reading of the situation is the step mother is trying to balance all three different families needs. And I do believe it is very admirable but with the best will in the world aligning three full siblings of this age group would be a challenge. Add in the three different schedules and it will end up with someone in tears and stress.

Maybe the OP can work on accepting the one Saturday a fortnight as quality time with her DD and baby, while the father has quality one to one with his son. Then come together Saturday evening for food/chill/movie. I appreciate this isn't what OP wants but this way at least the feeling of stress may be reduced as they can plan their time?

Coffeepot72 · 10/01/2023 11:57

Marblessolveeverything · Today 11:49
@Coffeepot72 to be fair he isn't asking to rule the household - he stated his wants about his access to his father. To facilitate the all the children together for longer over the weekend - then DSS loses his Friday decompress time with friends and his lie in - teens need these things and typically their body clock is working to a natural more nocturnal pattern.

Maybe the DSS could accept that one Friday per fortnight he will be at his Dad's rather than his Mum's? And can't he have a lie-in at his Dad's house? It seems that he's stated a preferred time, and this has been rubber-stamped without regard for other members of the household and a midday pick up/drop off does seem a really awkward time?

Marblessolveeverything · 10/01/2023 12:29

@Coffeepot72 okay make him change and send him the message that the step family wants are above his to fit his fathers wife's children. And then in a couple of years the OP will be asking why does the DSS not visit anymore.

Sometimes it is small concessions that reassure children they are heard, that their needs and wants are important. The gain is the OP and the full blended family time - the loss is the DSS feeling his wants and time isn't respected.

I appreciate your opinion, but in my home I respect my teens want/need to decompress and chill at the weekends and we (me and my ExDH) work around it.

Honestly I would support my son if he said he doesn't want to be up and travelling early to facilitate his step family. As I believe his wants are equal to everyone else there is no needs here it is competing wants.

Marblessolveeverything · 10/01/2023 12:34

I am assuming the fact there is a baby in the OP house would impact on changing the Saturday morning from chill to an up and out bright and early house!

Ajayjay · 14/01/2023 17:30

If you are able to change weekends brilliant, if not perhaps every other time SS is there you plan something with your daughter (so she's not missing out on days out, normal fun stuff etc) and the other weekend be around as a whole family and just accept that weekend you may not be doing much. (Mix and match who has baby on those days u have time with your daughter).
Ive had similar and now make plans with my daughter some weekends. It was causing some resentment from my dd, as when we have SC we can never really plan anything as we don't know what day/time they are arriving until day before or even minutes before 🙄 so we just sit at home waiting.

Stockcleandemon · 14/01/2023 17:41

Op would pick up Friday and return Saturday evening be an option ? It would give a whole day for a blended family activity and DSS would have his Sundays free to do what he wants

Biscuits1011 · 15/01/2023 15:30

I’ve had this problem. I told dp to take our toddler with him! Then I go do my own thing, catch up on housework, to see a friend, anything really, nice long shower, child free.

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