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Original poster

AIBU to be able to enjoy our weekends?

92 replies

JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 09:24

For the past year their have been issues with 12 yo DSS coming to stay for his EOW contact with Dad. Kept being ‘ill’ every time came to his weekend with DP or would say was too tired etc. we have adjusted things so that instead of Friday - Sunday only comes Sat-Sun now but DP often doesn’t collect him til midday and as is nearly hours drive isn’t back until early afternoon. Yesterday i’d had enough I was yet again left with the baby and my elder DD who has expressed herself that it’s not fair that we don’t get to do anything as have to wait around all day for DP and DSS to come back. By the time they got back yesterday i’d still not managed to shower as was so busy taking down the bloody Xmas decs, sorting the baby etc. Baby was beside himself as needed to go out in pushchair for his walk.
I expressed to DP (admittedly in stressed out tone) that picking DSS up so late just isn’t working for us. We have tried to be gentle and accommodate his needs to make him feel more comfortable with coming over but it’s not fair to impact on other kids and ruin our weekends together. We never get to plan a proper day out. DP now not talking to me says I shouldn’t have been stressed about it and understood the reasons why he picks him up late etc. Argh! I’ve had enough I can’t live like this anymore.

OP posts:
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fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 09:53

Can you plan something to do without him? What is it DD wants to do? It's harder as you're alone with both the kids but there's no reason you can't go and do something fun without him?

lookluv · 08/01/2023 10:23

Where shall we start with this:

  1. The child obviously does not feel comfortable/happy/welcome at his fathers home - so the solution was to reduce contact!
  2. Picking him up at midday - your DP is the adult and in control
  3. An hours drive is not that long - they get some bonding time
  4. He is a pre teen his needs are changing
  5. He comes every other weekend - so rather than exagerrate you get 26 weekends to do as you want and 26 where you need to accommodate.
  6. 52 days of the year out of 365 this child affects your household - you are accommodating bugger all.
  7. The baby did not need to go for a walk in the pushchair
  8. Your DP did not leave at the crack of dawn so yu had plenty of time to shower and 10 days to taken down the decorations.
Completely get why your DP was pissed off - you do not want his already unsettled child in the house - lets suggest one weekend a month and your life will only be inconvenienced for 24 days of the year.

I think you need to take a step back look at it from both your DPs and his sons point of view and come up with a solution which is inclusive of all children in the house and allows one of them some solo time with his father who he barely sees.
You do not come across well because a child sees his dad 52 days of the year and you dont like it. Give it a year and he will sit in his room on his phone/computer and you will decree the travel time is a waste so why bother at all - attitudes like give SMs and blended families a bad name

ClubhouseGift · 08/01/2023 10:25

lookluv · 08/01/2023 10:23

Where shall we start with this:

  1. The child obviously does not feel comfortable/happy/welcome at his fathers home - so the solution was to reduce contact!
  2. Picking him up at midday - your DP is the adult and in control
  3. An hours drive is not that long - they get some bonding time
  4. He is a pre teen his needs are changing
  5. He comes every other weekend - so rather than exagerrate you get 26 weekends to do as you want and 26 where you need to accommodate.
  6. 52 days of the year out of 365 this child affects your household - you are accommodating bugger all.
  7. The baby did not need to go for a walk in the pushchair
  8. Your DP did not leave at the crack of dawn so yu had plenty of time to shower and 10 days to taken down the decorations.
Completely get why your DP was pissed off - you do not want his already unsettled child in the house - lets suggest one weekend a month and your life will only be inconvenienced for 24 days of the year.

I think you need to take a step back look at it from both your DPs and his sons point of view and come up with a solution which is inclusive of all children in the house and allows one of them some solo time with his father who he barely sees.
You do not come across well because a child sees his dad 52 days of the year and you dont like it. Give it a year and he will sit in his room on his phone/computer and you will decree the travel time is a waste so why bother at all - attitudes like give SMs and blended families a bad name

Yep, this sums it up perfectly.

liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 10:26

It's one day a fortnight - surely you can manage for an hour? Sounds like you were busy in the house so wouldn't have been going out at that time anyway so perhaps explain that to your dad rather than let her see it as her step brothers fault.

PeskyYeti · 08/01/2023 10:28

lookluv · 08/01/2023 10:23

Where shall we start with this:

  1. The child obviously does not feel comfortable/happy/welcome at his fathers home - so the solution was to reduce contact!
  2. Picking him up at midday - your DP is the adult and in control
  3. An hours drive is not that long - they get some bonding time
  4. He is a pre teen his needs are changing
  5. He comes every other weekend - so rather than exagerrate you get 26 weekends to do as you want and 26 where you need to accommodate.
  6. 52 days of the year out of 365 this child affects your household - you are accommodating bugger all.
  7. The baby did not need to go for a walk in the pushchair
  8. Your DP did not leave at the crack of dawn so yu had plenty of time to shower and 10 days to taken down the decorations.
Completely get why your DP was pissed off - you do not want his already unsettled child in the house - lets suggest one weekend a month and your life will only be inconvenienced for 24 days of the year.

I think you need to take a step back look at it from both your DPs and his sons point of view and come up with a solution which is inclusive of all children in the house and allows one of them some solo time with his father who he barely sees.
You do not come across well because a child sees his dad 52 days of the year and you dont like it. Give it a year and he will sit in his room on his phone/computer and you will decree the travel time is a waste so why bother at all - attitudes like give SMs and blended families a bad name

Agreed!! I

pictoosh · 08/01/2023 10:31

Maybe you should go out with your two every other time? That way you're not hanging around every weekend his dad has him over.
Just make plans and go, there's nothing unreasonable about that. Owing to timings sometimes he makes it along for the plans, other times he chills at home with all of you, sometimes it's just him and dad doing whatever. It's not for the rest of you to suspend leisure time to cater to one.
If it's the case that your dh would be obstructive or offended by that then you have bigger fish to fry.

welshrabbits · 08/01/2023 10:35

I also agree with @lookluv

We all had to take our Christmas decorations down, such is life. Why did you choose the exact moment that the other adult would be out to do this if you wanted his help? And we all have to 'sort our babies out'.

Once a fortnight your daughter is frustrated that you can't do anything because your husband is out? If that's your actual problem then fix it. Plan things to do with her and the baby. Maybe get your husband to take the baby once a month with him.

Start some things to address the issues.

pictoosh · 08/01/2023 10:38

Other posters are right as well though. You DO have EOW to do with as you please. Apologies if it's trite to say it, but when you team up with a parent, you go forward accepting there will be contact time and things won't always be all about you.

I think it's a case of going with the flow really. If you want to go to an event that starts at 10 and ss won't be along until 1, then it's dad and son time, which is great. If you've nothing on you all chill together. The weekends in between are your oyster. You're not badly off.

pictoosh · 08/01/2023 10:44

As I say, if your dh is going to get chippy that his son is being left out or resentful that he is expected to entertain his own son by himself (and I'm not saying he would, I have no idea) then you have bigger dh issues to tackle.

If that's not the cae, I don't see you've got much to complain about.

aSofaNearYou · 08/01/2023 11:26

Why is it that you feel you can't go out without DH? Is it that he's taking the only car/putting pressure on you not to?

Original poster
JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 12:00

Will reply properly soon - thank you for your responses but I should have said my DD is with her Dad EOW too and so it is our only weekend together

OP posts:
fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 12:02

JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 12:00

Will reply properly soon - thank you for your responses but I should have said my DD is with her Dad EOW too and so it is our only weekend together

Then take her out?

liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 12:04

Could it be worth switching weekends with one of them then? So your weekends with dd are totally uninterrupted and also dh can concentrate on his son for the time he's there and have quality 1:1 time

Catterpillarwithconverse · 08/01/2023 12:09

We never get to plan a proper day out. By never you mean every other Saturday. Why can you have a day out on the Sunday or the other weekends.

I have read your reply about DD being with her dad, but I don't understand why that would make a difference

PeppermintChoc · 08/01/2023 12:10

OP it’s hard being a solo parent to young children EOW whilst DSS gets 1-2-1. I agree with the others though, make your own plans and don’t include DH and DSS.

Original poster
JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 12:15

It’s just shit though isn’t it. Ideally I want us all to spend time together. DSS and Baby hardly know each other. I’ve chatted about swapping weekends - we may have to do that.

OP posts:
PeppermintChoc · 08/01/2023 12:17

Yes - I really struggle as DH has 48 hours 1-2-1 then on “our” weekends we prioritise time as a family. I feel like I’m the only fool not catching a break from parenting!

Eastereggsboxedupready · 08/01/2023 12:21

Ultimately you chose to have a dc and a life with a man that already had commitments elsewhere.. Obviously you fit into those plans not the other way around.

PeppermintChoc · 08/01/2023 12:23

Eastereggsboxedupready · 08/01/2023 12:21

Ultimately you chose to have a dc and a life with a man that already had commitments elsewhere.. Obviously you fit into those plans not the other way around.

Sorry - the Dad can chose to drop his other children EOW. Why didn’t he anticipate the change?

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 12:24

JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 12:15

It’s just shit though isn’t it. Ideally I want us all to spend time together. DSS and Baby hardly know each other. I’ve chatted about swapping weekends - we may have to do that.

Thats fine. It will come with time or it won't. It just is what it is.

liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 12:24

Sorry - the Dad can chose to drop his other children EOW. Why didn’t he anticipate the change?

Making a one hour journey once a fortnight is hardly dropping his other children?!

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 12:25

Just be mindful that he doesn't use it as an excuse to get out of child related chores. He should be doing more child stuff over the weekends as he has more children.

liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 12:26

JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 12:15

It’s just shit though isn’t it. Ideally I want us all to spend time together. DSS and Baby hardly know each other. I’ve chatted about swapping weekends - we may have to do that.

Unfortunately in these situations why you'd ideally likenisnt the most important thing. If swapping weekends solves the issue then it seems a no brainier. Your dd having a relationship with DH's ds isn't the most important thing to be worrying about here

PeppermintChoc · 08/01/2023 12:27

I read as an hour there and back but it’s not clear. OP says it’s disrupts her whole day so it’s not an hour to her.

PeppermintChoc · 08/01/2023 12:27

OP could he take the youngest with him for the journey?