AIBU to be able to enjoy our weekends?

[JubbyMomma]

For the past year their have been issues with 12 yo DSS coming to stay for his EOW contact with Dad. Kept being ‘ill’ every time came to his weekend with DP or would say was too tired etc. we have adjusted things so that instead of Friday - Sunday only comes Sat-Sun now but DP often doesn’t collect him til midday and as is nearly hours drive isn’t back until early afternoon. Yesterday i’d had enough I was yet again left with the baby and my elder DD who has expressed herself that it’s not fair that we don’t get to do anything as have to wait around all day for DP and DSS to come back. By the time they got back yesterday i’d still not managed to shower as was so busy taking down the bloody Xmas decs, sorting the baby etc. Baby was beside himself as needed to go out in pushchair for his walk.
I expressed to DP (admittedly in stressed out tone) that picking DSS up so late just isn’t working for us. We have tried to be gentle and accommodate his needs to make him feel more comfortable with coming over but it’s not fair to impact on other kids and ruin our weekends together. We never get to plan a proper day out. DP now not talking to me says I shouldn’t have been stressed about it and understood the reasons why he picks him up late etc. Argh! I’ve had enough I can’t live like this anymore.

*arent there at same weekend i meant.

Why don't you all go to pick him up and have a day out together near where he lives once a month.

I agree that picking up DSS earlier would make a big difference.

Perhaps you could switch with your ex but into a non-EOW pattern so you have one weekend a month all together and one weekend where it's just your eldest and one when it's just DSS.

What about the other weekends?

Can you swap her weekends so she comes one week and your dss the other?

You really dont get it OP - you now resent the sundays!

He did not want to come more because to be perfectly honest it sounds like he was not really made to feel welcome - make him feel welcome and he may want the whole weekend but that will mean your DP goes on a friday night to pick him up - and then you will resent that!!

Bloody hell my DH is a shift worker so I parent alone most weekends with a child and a baby. I think you can manage a couple of hours every other Saturday!

What is the reasoning for your OH to only see DSS for two half days? I do think that's pretty poor and he should be picking up earlier and dropping off later . It must really limit what theu can do together. How do they see your DH's family? Or go out at all? Day trips will be pretty shit if they are only half a day.

I'm not sure she does resent the Sundays but rather the weird set up her DP has where he seems to look after his child for 2 half days of the weekend.

DSS absolutely does not want to come to your house OP. Probably because of the baby.
I'd imagine your DD would rather spend time with you (and baby) rather than with you (and baby), your DH ; or you ( and baby) your DH and DSS.
DD snd DSS do not fit into this new family unit that you created. Stop making them integrate the blended family. That's the issue.

I want to be clear that I 100% support my DP’s relationship with his son and would prefer if he spent MORE time with him (would be better for everyone that way!).

Better for everyone except the dc in question, who has requested this shortened contact time at and age where he really does need to be listened to

The most confusing part is that DSS only comes for 24 hours EOW. Who decided he would be picked up and dropped back at lunchtimes? That’s very odd. Surely that’s the first thing to review. But DH needs to get to the bottom of why DSS is less keen to come.

I agree that it might be much better to have DD on the other weekend, so both older children get some 1:1 time.

Also agree that the baby stuff sounds immense. Could you skip the lengthy weaning experiences at breakfast and take DD and baby out in the morning?

@MeridianB it used to be that he came Fri-sun but when he started being reluctant to come we changed it to just sat-sun but this is definitely not working and doesn’t give enough time for anyone.

Have had a calmer convo with DP this eve and he agrees that things are not practical as they are. He wants to go back to fri-sun but wants to tread carefully Incase it’s too much for DSS again.

Why don't you pick him up at 9/10 am saturday and drop him back between dinner and bath/bedtime on Sunday?

Then he's got some actual time to spend at your house.

DP is going to find himself with a few more weekend-only kids if he doesn’t cop on and prioritise the needs of all of his family/children. Part of growing up is for your DSS to learn to flex to other people’s needs. DP and DSS should grow-up - seems like they are cut from the same cloth.

Why don't you encourage your partner to pick up his son, then just the two of them go straight out somewhere for some precious one on one time every other Saturday? Then come back to yours for a family dinner, and have Sunday as a blended family before he goes home? One on one time is vital for that age.

Take a step back and let them focus on their bond, so hopefully your DSS will want to increase his hours again.

Whether DP goes to fetch his son in the morning, or midday, he's still away for the same length of time?

I agree OP it would be better ideally if you could go back to fri-sun or he picks DSS up earlier on Saturday.

However, if DSS doesn't want to do that or it won't work for whatever reason I'd do the following-

Sat- you, your DD and your baby go on about your day as you like. Plan things, go for a walk DO NOT wait around all day for DSS. You can spend time together in the evenings, having dinner, playing games, maybe even a cinema trip if you can get someone to watch baby for a couple of hours or whatever.

Sun - I would get your DP to take baby with him to drop DSS back off on the Sunday (not even necessarily every time but some of the time) so that you can have some 1-1 time with your daughter too. Everyone talks about DP spending 1-1 time with DSS as being important but you also deserve that with your DD too and as she is at her dad's the other weekends and you have baby DS by yourself on the Saturday whilst he collects DSS I think this is a fair compromise so both children get some alone time with their parent over the course of the Weeknd, DSS on the Saturday and DD on the Sunday, and it gives you that time as a break from the baby.

I think the point is if he's going to get him at 8am and getting back for 10am they could still potentially have the day to go and do stuff as a family. Not so much if he's setting off at 1 and getting back at 3pm.

I feel much the same about my DSCs hobbies. They are always scheduled for slap bang in the middle of the day at the weekend and it stops us from ever being able to have a family day out as always rushing to get home for 1pm or not going out until 3pm. It's annoying.

Your DP did not leave at the crack of dawn so yu had plenty of time to shower and 10 days to taken down the decorations.

10 days how? This happened yesterday (7th). Twelfth night was only 1 or 2 (depending on source!) days prior. Maybe op keeps to that tradition.

Can you look for activities near where your dss lives. Then you go in the morning with your dp and 2 dc. At lunch he goes to collect his son and then comes to join you for the afternoon. You get do something fun with your dc and dp, your dss gets bonding time with his step/ half siblings, and he can still have 1 2 1 time with his dad on the Sunday when they drive home.

I really think you need to find a way to have some weekend 1-1 time with your daughter too. If she's not there the following weekend as she's at her dad's and you've got the baby with you EOW so your partner can have 1-1 time with DSS, when does she ever really get time with just you at the weekend?

I imagine he doesn't want to spent time with you, your dd and your ds. You're trying to force family time on a child that doesn't want it. He likely wants to spent 121 with his father. If anything you should encourage this rather than complaining use it as an opportunity to spend time with your dc.

Could you all set off together mid-morning to pick up SS, husband drops you, DD and baby off somewhere nice on the way, husband picks up SS, they both join you on the way back for the rest of the afternoon, then all go home together?

Leave the housework, dishes, washing etc for another time.

EVERYTHING you need to know is in this post right here.

So I used to feel like this too and I assume you might be in the same place I was I felt like I wasn’t getting a brake from being a full time mum and everything was being left to me so my compromise was

on pick up days I plan something fun for me and my child to do that is my fun time with him don’t see it as they are taking time away from your child they are giving your child your time.