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Original poster

AIBU to be able to enjoy our weekends?

92 replies

JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 09:24

For the past year their have been issues with 12 yo DSS coming to stay for his EOW contact with Dad. Kept being ‘ill’ every time came to his weekend with DP or would say was too tired etc. we have adjusted things so that instead of Friday - Sunday only comes Sat-Sun now but DP often doesn’t collect him til midday and as is nearly hours drive isn’t back until early afternoon. Yesterday i’d had enough I was yet again left with the baby and my elder DD who has expressed herself that it’s not fair that we don’t get to do anything as have to wait around all day for DP and DSS to come back. By the time they got back yesterday i’d still not managed to shower as was so busy taking down the bloody Xmas decs, sorting the baby etc. Baby was beside himself as needed to go out in pushchair for his walk.
I expressed to DP (admittedly in stressed out tone) that picking DSS up so late just isn’t working for us. We have tried to be gentle and accommodate his needs to make him feel more comfortable with coming over but it’s not fair to impact on other kids and ruin our weekends together. We never get to plan a proper day out. DP now not talking to me says I shouldn’t have been stressed about it and understood the reasons why he picks him up late etc. Argh! I’ve had enough I can’t live like this anymore.

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liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 12:29

PeppermintChoc · 08/01/2023 12:27

I read as an hour there and back but it’s not clear. OP says it’s disrupts her whole day so it’s not an hour to her.

The disruption is the timing rather than the length of time - there are lots of suggestions for work arounds though

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 12:29

PeppermintChoc · 08/01/2023 12:27

OP could he take the youngest with him for the journey?

That's an idea, all go pick up the DSS and stop off on the way back somewhere fun?

Snippedasababy · 08/01/2023 12:31

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 12:25

Just be mindful that he doesn't use it as an excuse to get out of child related chores. He should be doing more child stuff over the weekends as he has more children.

How does he have more children?

They share a child and both have a child with someone else

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 12:39

Snippedasababy · 08/01/2023 12:31

How does he have more children?

They share a child and both have a child with someone else

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Ah yes. Ignore that then :D

Original poster
JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 12:42

Sorry I know it can be confusing on these threads sometimes.
we have a 6 month old baby together (EBF and started warnings which everyone know takes ages by time cleaned up breakfast it’s time for lunch 😫)
DSD - my DP’s son
DD - mine from previous relationship (stays at her own dad’s EOW).
As poster said up thread it’s more the timing that is awkward - middle of the day , right over lunch time etc. it’s an hour’s drive either way.
baby only sleeps in pushchair so he has to get out (and me for my own sanity).

OP posts:
Original poster
JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 12:43

*weaning now warning!

OP posts:
Original poster
JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 12:44

Sorry what a mess with typos can tell I’m sleep deprived!
DSS not DSD

OP posts:
fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 12:50

Could you take baby out in the morning then go doe lunch with DD or does that clash with nap times?

MissMarplesbag · 08/01/2023 12:53

ClubhouseGift · 08/01/2023 10:25

Yep, this sums it up perfectly.

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Completely agree with this.

You want your own biological child to have 100% access to his dad but want to limit the already limited time your step son has with his own dad.

How would you like it if your own son is in the same situation in 10yrs time if you split with your dh?

StarsSand · 08/01/2023 12:55

lookluv · 08/01/2023 10:23

Where shall we start with this:

  1. The child obviously does not feel comfortable/happy/welcome at his fathers home - so the solution was to reduce contact!
  2. Picking him up at midday - your DP is the adult and in control
  3. An hours drive is not that long - they get some bonding time
  4. He is a pre teen his needs are changing
  5. He comes every other weekend - so rather than exagerrate you get 26 weekends to do as you want and 26 where you need to accommodate.
  6. 52 days of the year out of 365 this child affects your household - you are accommodating bugger all.
  7. The baby did not need to go for a walk in the pushchair
  8. Your DP did not leave at the crack of dawn so yu had plenty of time to shower and 10 days to taken down the decorations.
Completely get why your DP was pissed off - you do not want his already unsettled child in the house - lets suggest one weekend a month and your life will only be inconvenienced for 24 days of the year.

I think you need to take a step back look at it from both your DPs and his sons point of view and come up with a solution which is inclusive of all children in the house and allows one of them some solo time with his father who he barely sees.
You do not come across well because a child sees his dad 52 days of the year and you dont like it. Give it a year and he will sit in his room on his phone/computer and you will decree the travel time is a waste so why bother at all - attitudes like give SMs and blended families a bad name

This saved me some typing.

Original poster
JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 12:58

@MissMarplesbag not at all. I would prefer is DSS came for decent length of time and had quality time with his dad and us but at present he’s here for 24 hours from middle of the day and no one ends up having quality time together this way.

I struggle to get baby out in the morning, he doesn’t sleep all night so we get up about 8.30/9 do breakfast by time done it’s 10. Then playtime / showers/ clean up
from breakfast it’s nearly lunchtime! So we have lunch and plan do go for nice long walk/sleep for baby after lunch.

OP posts:
Lemonademoney · 08/01/2023 13:00

He has another child. That child is as much his family as you are… I assume you knew he had a child when you got together with him…

It is every other weekend and before you know it said child will be an adult and it will be a lot less.

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 13:01

Sorry if I missed it but why can't DH go and pick him up earlier

liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 13:03

To look at it from another perspective your dp is present for your joint dc and your dd a huge amount more than he is for his other dc. To prioritise him for just that one day isn't unreasonable. You say no on Riis getting quality time but presumably his dc would disagree with that as it's what he is requesting for now. Your babys fairly inconvenient routine sounds like it dictates a lot of family life daily yet you're annoyed that the needs of the other child dictating just one day (or at least a couple of hours of one) is a problem even though it's just once a fortnight

HandbagsnGladrags · 08/01/2023 13:06

I don't often disagree with stepmums on here but I'm afraid I agree with the majority. Just do something else with your daughter on those weekends. Make plans and use your time instead of waiting around for your husband to get back. The solution is in your hands.

lookluv · 08/01/2023 13:07

It is not shit - it is what it is, you both have to make it work

As to the suggestion -Dad takes the baby aswell - seriously what little 121 time this boy gets will now be taken up with a stop start journey as baby needs changing feeding cuddles etc.

Your weekend with your daughter is your time - go and do something with her.

DP is gone for 2.5 hours max and you resent that amount of 121 time he has with his child. If he goes early and is back by lunchtime you will resent him waking the baby disturbing your lie in etc.

You need to step back and see a bigger picture of all the participants, some get 313 days to do what they want and may be those 26 inconveninent Saturdays that are destroying your life are a small price for this young lad

DarkForces · 08/01/2023 13:09

When you have an older child you often have to divide and conquer at the weekends. There's hobbies, parties, activities that only suit one age group... you can't expect everything to be done as a family when there's 3 kids involved. Dh and I are like ships in the night with just 1 because we work full time and dd has hobbies and friends

Beamur · 08/01/2023 13:10

your babys fairly inconvenient routine sounds like it dictates a lot of family life daily yet you're annoyed that the needs of the other child dictating just one day (or at least a couple of hours of one) is a problem even though it's just once a fortnight
This is a fair point. Your baby won't always be tricky to get to sleep etc and you're not being very reasonable in expecting everything to work around the baby.
You don't get a break from parenting once you have kids and it's much more complicated by you both having additional children from other relationships.
Tread carefully with DSS, he's at an age where the relationship between him and his Dad (and you) needs careful handling and nurturing. Don't make him feel inconvenient or in the way.

Marblessolveeverything · 08/01/2023 13:16

DSs is 12, he probably wants a lie in on weekend and teens need that time. You are just in another timetable due to baby.

I don't think the adjustment for DSS is unreasonable, realistically what is likely to happen is he will stop coming and resentment will build up.

He may or may not want anything to do with the baby, he is a 12 year old with v limited access to his dad. At this age it is key he has a positive and sole access to his male role model.

I appreciate it is doubly challenging given three families time tables need to align. I think you can only acknowledge it will be difficult and that you are all going to do he best ye can. As the current situ is rightfully prioritizing the child and parent realtionship.

Snippedasababy · 08/01/2023 13:25

JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 12:58

@MissMarplesbag not at all. I would prefer is DSS came for decent length of time and had quality time with his dad and us but at present he’s here for 24 hours from middle of the day and no one ends up having quality time together this way.

I struggle to get baby out in the morning, he doesn’t sleep all night so we get up about 8.30/9 do breakfast by time done it’s 10. Then playtime / showers/ clean up
from breakfast it’s nearly lunchtime! So we have lunch and plan do go for nice long walk/sleep for baby after lunch.

Is it right that you have every other weekend without him?

Can you see how you want everyone else to go around the routine you have with your baby?

You have 3 kids with 3 different sets of parents. You and your ex have dd. You and your dp have the baby. Your dp and his ex have dss. It’s going to be complicated and not work out perfectly.

If your daughter is telling you that she wants to do something on weekends she is with you, do something with her.

Which combination of people are not getting quality time together?

Dss is lot older than your baby. What activities do you want to do when he is there that suits all 3 kids? If he came over first thing, what would change?

ThePear · 08/01/2023 13:43

Your kid is with his father every day, your boyfriends kid barely ever sees him. He should absolutely take priority in the few hours a month your boyfriend actually parents him.
What does ‘I can’t live like this anymore!’ mean for you?

Original poster
JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 14:03

I want to be clear that I 100% support my DP’s relationship with his son and would prefer if he spent MORE time with him (would be better for everyone that way!). Picking him up earlier would be better too , just so that we have more of a proper day together. Sunday is another right off as he drops him back around 1pm so again no real time to have a day out as such. My DD is basically same age as DSS so lots of things we could do as a family.
we have adapted things now for the past year (changing days reducing time etc) but surely time with my DD and baby are also important. They can’t be expected to just wait around too. Sure I may be able to get myself organised and just take baby and DD out but I’m on my own all week with baby (and night) and weekends are a time to spend together as a family.
blended families are beyond challenging. I’m not sure what the answer is.
apprciate all your thoughts, even those that are critical of me. I’m taking them on board.

OP posts:
Snippedasababy · 08/01/2023 14:06

So what activities are do you want to do all together that you can’t do now? That also fits with your baby needing to be walked in the pram to sleep, that will also entertain both the older kids.

There must be a list? Non of which could be done in the afternoon?

It’s going to be next to impossible to organise your dd (and her weekend at her dads), your dss and your baby and suit them all, all the time.

Is swiping your dds weekend an option?

Original poster
JubbyMomma · 08/01/2023 14:11

@Snippedasababy if it was the summer then definitely wouldn’t be as much of an issue. It gets dark by 4pm still and that doesn’t leave us much time in the afternoon. Not asking for anything major as you rightly say it’s tricky with the baby but even a walk in countryside, nation trust, museum, go for lunch in cafe etc.
yes swapping weekends is an option. It would be a shame as DSS particularly enjoys the company of my DD (doesn’t seem to spend much time actually with his Dad when here).

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 08/01/2023 14:14

Try and switch weekends so dd and dss are there on the same weekend.

DSS wants to come less rather than more, which must be upsetting for dh. I can understand why he would rather get the 24 hours than push for more.

The Christmas decs wont normally need done and the baby will sleep better soon it is a matter of waiting it outd all managing as best you can.