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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

To have a baby or not to have a baby?

89 replies

StepMumJ · 04/01/2023 23:06

Me and my partner have 2 step children from his previous marriage.
I’m 35 and have quite an intense job with travel commitments.
I always wanted to have a child when I was younger but as I have got older I’ve become less certain due to the realities vs romanticising of what a child entails.
My partner has had a vasectomy and as such has suggested that 2023 is the year I make a final decision on if we are going to try for a baby or not. He personally doesn’t want to as he feels two are enough but will support what I want.

I’m really torn, particularly on the implications to my step children, my relationship with my partner given he doesn’t really want another child and my career.

I would love to hear from anyone who has or is going through similar.

OP posts:

CheeseNStuff · 05/01/2023 22:34

However, imagine if a couple of years down the line you end up splitting up anyway but you didn't go on to have a child of your own. Can you realistically imagine you'll have a relationship with his 2 teenage boys. I'd doubt it.

Honestly this. Please don't kid yourself (or let your partner do so) that having to teenagers in the house for part of the week is even in the same realms as having your own children. You could never see these boys again if you split with their Dad tomorrow. Honestly if I wanted a child, I wouldn't be factoring them into my decision at all as harsh as it sounds. Not a chance on earth I'd give up the opportunity to have my own child if I wanted to, to avoid potentially upsetting two teens who will probably not want much to do with you in a couple of years anyway and only see you a few times a week as it is.

Decide what you want, YOU. Not your partner or his kids. YOU. I think children is a decision you should only make for you. Making the decision to not have children because of your partner and his kids just sounds like a recipe for resentment further down the line.

CheeseNStuff · 05/01/2023 22:35

Having two teenagers in the house**

roseheartfly · 06/01/2023 10:39

Take the step children out of the equation.

Ask yourself again.

OhmygodDont · 06/01/2023 16:56

Surely the biggest thing is although his willing it’s only to appease you rather than because he wants a baby/child with you.

Do you honestly forgetting everything else want a child with a man who’s only doing it because he feels he should rather than because he wants to?

jimmyjammy001 · 07/01/2023 16:31

He doesn't understand what you would get from having your own children that you wouldn't from someone else's children?? Really??? Easy for him to say that, he's had kids allready, although his children may be great, they arnt yours, you can't parent them how you would want to parent your own children and have that bond 100% of the time, kids going between different homes is damaging. Your at different stages in life, I would suggest finding someone who doesn't allready have children and starting a family of your own, step / blended family situations very rarely work out, to many complications as your see if you read through this forum

harryclr · 08/01/2023 21:34

StepMumJ · 05/01/2023 08:34

Thanks for the reply

My relationship with my step children is great, albeit we are not 50/50 at the moment so we do get all the fun stuff of weekends vs mid week school runs, although that is going to changes in a couple of months time.

I think the youngest step child in particular will be excited. Although they have younger cousins via my nephews that they are very sweet with and look out for them and play together well. There would be an age gap, Step son 1 is nearly 9 now, Step son 2 is 7.

Yes lots of reasons against having a baby but I still feel draw to the idea.

My partner always asks me what I feel a new child will bring that I don't already get from my step children. I can't really articulate exactly what it is. I love them dearly and would do anything for them but I selfishly want something that just us created, a child we don't have to share with his ex... if that makes sense.

Its not selfish at all...there is nothing like having your own child. It does completely change things in a 'blended' family but do you spend your whole life doing what you DP what? Being with someone who already has kids means so many sacrifices have to be given...do you really want to sacrifice having your own child?

I dont think its fair hes said he doesnt want anymore, hes being honest but its not fair on you. Basically planting a seed for you to say no.

If you've wanted children before then I dont think that changes. 35 isnt young in fertility years and if you change your mind in a few years it may be too late.

Dont stress about the career - mums can have it all these days! X

harryclr · 08/01/2023 21:36

aSofaNearYou · 05/01/2023 08:44

My partner always asks me what I feel a new child will bring that I don't already get from my step children.

Ugh, another deeply annoying attitude. He needs to recognise that being step parent to his kids is completely different to having your own kids and they do not fill that void.

Absolutely, such a stupid and naive question

nc1013 · 08/01/2023 21:49

Yes lots of reasons against having a baby but I still feel draw to the idea.

You could say the same about many of us with careers & complicated families - lots of reasons not to but it's still what the majority of us want. It's Mother Nature and our biological make up.

No matter how many reasons there are not to have one....if you want one that's a good enough reason to outweigh any other logical thinking (except in certain circumstances if it wouldn't be a safe environment for the child etc)

Original poster

StepMumJ · 09/01/2023 21:43

@nc1013
Thank you for that... rings so true. I'm not sure I will ever be able to logic it out.
Me and my partner have had a chat and I shared with him that I reached out to get a broader view, particularly from those who might be in a similar circumstance / have gone through similar.
We have agreed we are going to try. Thanks everyone for your views.

OP posts:

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/01/2023 21:49

nc1013 · 08/01/2023 21:49

Yes lots of reasons against having a baby but I still feel draw to the idea.

You could say the same about many of us with careers & complicated families - lots of reasons not to but it's still what the majority of us want. It's Mother Nature and our biological make up.

I mean when you think about it what are the ‘good reasons’ for wanting a baby? Does such a reason even exist??

For the vast majority it’s ‘just wanting one’.

Navigatingthroughlife · 10/01/2023 08:19

This is very similar to my experience. My partner decided he wanted a baby with me (had a vasectomy before we met tried to get it reversed unsuccessful). The only other option for us was to go through IVF. I had a miscarriage in July (very early on that I took a pregnancy test whilst bleeding for a longer amount of time than an normal period which came back positive) to say I was shocked was an understatement.

partner then decided he no longer wanted anymore children and the ball was then in my court…to leave or to stay.

At first I thought he’d ‘get over it’ and was just getting a reality check due to the miscarriage. However this wasn’t the case and he put his feet firmly on the ground about no more kids. I have no kids of my own and my SC are 10 and 13. So for me this was a really difficult situation. I talked to him about leaving and meeting someone who wanted to have a child with me however I thought about things and thought we have an amazing relationship and I adore his kids. Yes they can be difficult at times in their own ways but I’m finding ways to move forward with that. (Lack of discipline, being a bit entitled but I got to the point where I thought they’re not my children they’re nice to me it’s not my problem?) Anyway I decided the pain I would feel by leaving my partner the two kids and the unit we built would be much more devastating then the thought of having a baby they may never even be, for example meeting someone then their infertile or even myself so I decided to stay with no baby. Also I read horror stories of here when that baby is born how partner can be an arsehole to new baby 😂 and as mentioned lack of discipline for his own two kids I thought just let by gones be by gones. Obviously this is completely your choice but if he’s already saying he doesn’t want another baby but will do it for you I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up being one of these dads who doesn’t take much interest in the baby and will throw it in your face when you need support the old ‘you wanted the baby not me’. Lots to think about and I’m wishing you lots of luck x

billy1966 · 10/01/2023 09:09

Glad to read you have given it more thought.

I would take with a large pinch of salt the view of a man who would ask what you think your own child would give you that HIS children don't.

As obtuse a statement as I have ever read on here.🙄

You have made a LOT of sacrifices for him, protect yourself and your career if you do have a child with him.

tasht333 · 22/01/2023 15:54

I have two DSC (8 and 10) and now a DS with my DP. Prior to my DS coming along, I was always surprised at how we all adapted to our new family dynamic and I had a great relationship with both DSC. 3 years later and we then have our DS.

I can honestly say it has been the best thing I have ever done and I don't regret it for a second. However, there are a few things I didn't consider and felt I went into it quite naively thinking it would all work out as well as it had before he came along. The first and most difficult challenge I had for the first 4-5 months of my DS's life is that I struggled to be around the DSC. Sounds awful but they irritated me so much and I hated them being around DS. I would count down until they left and dreaded them coming again. The only way we got through this was communication with my DP and his very understanding and caring nature. I can now say I no longer feel like that but I would say that now my DS is here, I feel differently about my DSC. Not negatively but different. And it's hard to ensure the children do not see or feel a difference.

What I also never expected was my want for a second child. In previous discussions with my DP about having a child of our own, it had always only been a discussion for one. It wasn't until I had my DS that I sometimes feel resentful that I can't have another and give him a closer in age sibling that is here 100% of the time, because we have three children between us and financially/practically we can't!

I have a lovely life and a lovely family but these things have been difficult and I just wanted to highlight how having a child throws things out there I never expected! That being said, there is no love like it and your DP is unfair to suggest the love for a DSC is ever the same.

blackbeardsballsack · 25/01/2023 11:21

Surely there are always a number of reasons why, practically and financially and socially, it would be better not to have a child. If we were ruled by this, we would quickly become extinct. I can't think of a reason why I had my DC except for 'because I wanted a DC'. I can't think of any other 'good' reasons that anyone would choose to have a DC. It's not like when I got my dog and was able to say 'will make me walk twice a day, will protect me if someone burgled the house' etc (Also, I 'just wanted a dog' obviously).

I can't help think about how you might feel if you and your partner split up in a few years, at a point that it was no longer possible for you to have a child of your own. He would be alright, wouldn't he, with his two children. In all likelihood, you wouldn't ever have the same role in their lives and they may have a new step parent one day. Even if you stayed together for the rest of your lives, you know that being a step parent is simply not the same as being a parent. He knows this too. I can't imagine ever telling a partner that my DC should be a reason for them to discount ever having a child of their own, I wouldn't even think it privately.

I think your bottom line should be to examine whether you want a child or not, taking away all of the external factors and pressures, and go from there.

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