Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

To have a baby or not to have a baby?

89 replies

StepMumJ · 04/01/2023 23:06

Me and my partner have 2 step children from his previous marriage.
I’m 35 and have quite an intense job with travel commitments.
I always wanted to have a child when I was younger but as I have got older I’ve become less certain due to the realities vs romanticising of what a child entails.
My partner has had a vasectomy and as such has suggested that 2023 is the year I make a final decision on if we are going to try for a baby or not. He personally doesn’t want to as he feels two are enough but will support what I want.

I’m really torn, particularly on the implications to my step children, my relationship with my partner given he doesn’t really want another child and my career.

I would love to hear from anyone who has or is going through similar.

OP posts:
Susieblue18 · 04/01/2023 23:10

When you say step children, are they his children and your stepchildren or are they his ex’s children? It’s a difficult one, my brother had 3 children after having his vasectomy reversal but had to go private and would take a bit of time and I guess that means making a decision rather than just ‘seeing if it happens’. Can you imagine how you would feel in 10 yrs time if you didn’t have any, do you think you would have regrets? Is your partner the same age as you?

Original poster
StepMumJ · 04/01/2023 23:20

Hi, thanks for replying.
His children, my step children.
Exactly, we would need to start looking into the reversal sooner rather than later.
That’s a really good point, I think it’s likely I could regret not trying but my worry is there are so many complications from the step children I have and that existing relationship to my age and I do think I could feel fulfilled with other things in my life.
I am so confused!

OP posts:
Mumofonegirl1 · 04/01/2023 23:21

I don’t know if I’m the kind of person you want a reply from, but having my daughter has been absolutely magical. I do live in the real world, not everyone feels the same and ofc it has its hard days - but honestly I’ve never felt a love like it and I wish I’d had her years ago ❤️

picnicshicnic · 05/01/2023 02:51

From your post I see a lot of reasons why not to and not many reasons to go ahead.

Having kids and a career is hard.

Having kids and step kids is hard and another layer of complication.

What is your relationship like with the kids? If you did have a child it's possible /,probable that they would very excited. But things can change very quickly and it could change your relationship dramatically.

Original poster
StepMumJ · 05/01/2023 08:26

Thanks for your reply,
i didn’t post to get a single sided view 😀. This is so helpful, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
StepMumJ · 05/01/2023 08:34

Thanks for the reply

My relationship with my step children is great, albeit we are not 50/50 at the moment so we do get all the fun stuff of weekends vs mid week school runs, although that is going to changes in a couple of months time.

I think the youngest step child in particular will be excited. Although they have younger cousins via my nephews that they are very sweet with and look out for them and play together well. There would be an age gap, Step son 1 is nearly 9 now, Step son 2 is 7.

Yes lots of reasons against having a baby but I still feel draw to the idea.

My partner always asks me what I feel a new child will bring that I don't already get from my step children. I can't really articulate exactly what it is. I love them dearly and would do anything for them but I selfishly want something that just us created, a child we don't have to share with his ex... if that makes sense.

J

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 05/01/2023 08:35

It’s entirely up to you as a couple, but many women on here seem to find their feelings for their step kids change a lot when the baby is here, suddenly find them very irritating and don’t want them around. The key is to remember they will be your DC’s siblings, their flesh and blood and a huge asset to them as they get older so fostering a close relationship is in everyone’s interests. Good luck whatever you decide.

Tabitha888 · 05/01/2023 08:39

If he doesn't want to, don't do it. You'll find yourself alone in many situations and it could probably break you up. There's nothing worse than having the dad not support you, or who doesn't want the baby. I have an 8 month old. The harder part is the sleep deprivation when they are out and you need them. It's your cyber mother, you chose this. Is he willing to change his life completely again? No one gets it until they have a baby. Things go wrong, colic happens in some way and it's relentless. I'm just giving you the harsh reality side so you can consider it too. If you really want a baby and to raise your own child do it.

I want another baby but I won't have one. I'm not will to go through it again. X

Tabitha888 · 05/01/2023 08:40

The* not cyber sorry

aSofaNearYou · 05/01/2023 08:42

He personally doesn’t want to as he feels two are enough but will support what I want.

I have to admit this attitude really rustles my feathers when a person KNOWS the other person has none while they have two, so I'm glad he's respecting that enough to give you the opportunity to say if you really want them. That said, his lack of enthusiasm will obviously be really off putting to you and is somewhat forcing your hand unless you want to have kids with someone that doesn't want them.

If I were you I would consider how you would feel about it if you had a partner that wanted kids so someone's negative opinion didn't come into it. Would you want them then? I wouldn't base my decision on the SC or the fact that he's not bothered, I'd narrow it down to my own feelings. If I realised I really did want them, I'd struggle not to resent him and I think that would cause major issues in my relationship with him and his DC.

aSofaNearYou · 05/01/2023 08:44

My partner always asks me what I feel a new child will bring that I don't already get from my step children.

Ugh, another deeply annoying attitude. He needs to recognise that being step parent to his kids is completely different to having your own kids and they do not fill that void.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 05/01/2023 08:46

Having a child with someone who doesn’t really want one is a fast route to complete misery and unfair on the child being brought into the situation. I can’t believe some people are suggesting it’s ok to go ahead and have one when the man isn’t keen as he has clearly told the OP!

WandaWonder · 05/01/2023 08:46

aSofaNearYou · 05/01/2023 08:42

He personally doesn’t want to as he feels two are enough but will support what I want.

I have to admit this attitude really rustles my feathers when a person KNOWS the other person has none while they have two, so I'm glad he's respecting that enough to give you the opportunity to say if you really want them. That said, his lack of enthusiasm will obviously be really off putting to you and is somewhat forcing your hand unless you want to have kids with someone that doesn't want them.

If I were you I would consider how you would feel about it if you had a partner that wanted kids so someone's negative opinion didn't come into it. Would you want them then? I wouldn't base my decision on the SC or the fact that he's not bothered, I'd narrow it down to my own feelings. If I realised I really did want them, I'd struggle not to resent him and I think that would cause major issues in my relationship with him and his DC.

I don't see it the same as 'well I have been to Rome twice so let's have a ski holiday' no one should have a child if they don't want one, whether they have kids or the other person does or whatever

And 'if you want I will play along' is not ideal either

It is not fair on the child to have a parent who does want to have a child

Ragwort · 05/01/2023 08:47

If your DP has chosen to have a vasectomy then he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want any more DC ... why would you want him to go through invasive surgery just 'in case' you feel like having a baby? He's presumably going along with the idea 'just to make you happy' rather thank thinking responsibly about bringing another child into the world. If I were you, I would absolutely not want to have have a baby in this situation.

familyissues12345 · 05/01/2023 08:47

Was your dp open with you from the start that he didn't want any more children?

aSofaNearYou · 05/01/2023 08:50

YaWeeFurryBastard · 05/01/2023 08:46

Having a child with someone who doesn’t really want one is a fast route to complete misery and unfair on the child being brought into the situation. I can’t believe some people are suggesting it’s ok to go ahead and have one when the man isn’t keen as he has clearly told the OP!

I don't think anyone has suggested that, have they?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2023 08:52

He personally doesn’t want to as he feels two are enough but will support what I want.

This the only thing that matters. He doesn’t want another child. He was so sure he had surgery to remove his fertility and he’s telling you he’ll “support you” to keep you around but you both know he’s happy with his lot. What happens if it takes you ages to ttc, what if you have losses, what if it’s a complicated pregnancy - if he’s not wholeheartedly on board he won’t support you if things get difficult. Even if he does and you have a baby you run the risk he doesn’t want an active part of parenting as he’s already got two and you were the one who wanted the baby.

If you wanted to be a mum enough to risk all of that and would be happy to go it alone if he doesn’t step up that would be one thing. But he’s clearly said he’s not keen and you say you’re not sure.

My partner always asks me what I feel a new child will bring that I don't already get from my step children.

This, however, would piss me right off. Why did he want a child of his own? Why wouldn’t you want the same? The idea that inheriting someone else’s kids part time as the result of dating a parent is remotely the same as being pregnant, knowing your baby before it’s even been born, the whole experience of bonding with your baby and being one of the two people who created him or her is ridiculous. Adoption, before anyone brings that up, is also an active choice made by a person or a couple to bring a child into their family, it’s a huge decision and involves jumping through a lot of hoops, you are the child’s legal parent, it’s nothing like step parenting!

To say that he’s clueless and sorely lacking in insight and empathy.

HippeePrincess · 05/01/2023 08:53

I wouldn’t have a child with someone who wasn’t 100% on board. My ex was keen on having kids more than I was at the time but it was still me left holding the baby.

Oher · 05/01/2023 09:20

Mumofonegirl1 · 04/01/2023 23:21

I don’t know if I’m the kind of person you want a reply from, but having my daughter has been absolutely magical. I do live in the real world, not everyone feels the same and ofc it has its hard days - but honestly I’ve never felt a love like it and I wish I’d had her years ago ❤️

This!

aSofaNearYou · 05/01/2023 09:23

@StepMumJ I get that and I'm not saying you should have a child with him when he isn't keen.

I'm saying you owe it to yourself to consider whether in your heart of hearts you want to have kids, without muddying the waters with thoughts of "but my DP doesn't want them/thinks I should be content with his kids". If you DO want them his kids will never fill that void, for a start, and it's widely unempathetic of him to even suggest that they might, for a start.

It does very much grind my gears when people with children get into relationships with those without with the mentality "mine should be enough for both of us". Not because I think they should have kids to keep their partners happy, but because of the position they are putting their partners in. I do think they should be very upfront about it if they don't want kids and make sure they are with someone that also doesn't want them rather than holding them back because they are satisfied with their own. I think it's commendable that he's at least not doing that and is giving your feelings on the matter a proper platform. But at the same time, presenting it as "I don't really want kids but will have them if you want" is kind of forcing your hand as you understandably wouldn't have them unless he wants them.

SnackyOnassis · 05/01/2023 09:23

My partner always asks me what I feel a new child will bring that I don't already get from my step children.

I don't love this, as PP's have said, having stepchildren is wonderful in many ways but it's not the same as having your own child, if you want your own.
It's (oversimplified analogy!) like him having a really nice car, and saying you can drive it if you want, but not understanding that you might want a car of your own because you have access to his.

Not to be a doombringer, but if your relationship ever ends, he will walk away with his children, and you won't have any of your own - stepchildren are not necessarily permanent in those situations.
On that note, if you had your own child and the relationship did break down, how would you cope, have you got an independent income and support from friends or family?

If you think there's any possibility you might regret not having a child, and you know you really want one, you should go for it. The desire and drive to have a child is not something that can be easily quantified, and if you know you're in a position to give a child a safe, loving, comfortable life, then I don't think you have to justify your own position - especially if you know you could go it alone if he ever changed his mind once the baby is here, though I hope it wouldn't come to that!

mondaytosunday · 05/01/2023 09:24

I think if you have doubts then probably not. Children can be a real strain on a relationship, especially in the early years. They don't cement a relationship, they highlight any issues!
Having said that, I married a man with two kids, 11 and 12, and we went on to have two kids. But on our second date he said he wanted more. The age difference meant there wasn't any jealousy. The eldest boy lived with us.

GetThatHelmetOn · 05/01/2023 09:25

How much do you enjoy your traveling job? If very much I would let things be. You can still do a demanding job while you have children but there would be a lot of step backs to be taken in order to do it.

The difference in ages can also make what the family wants and do incompatible so… if you are not desperate to have children, I would suggest you truly embrace his as yours as you will find out when you have kids that is a much nicer job to be the fun aunt instead.

SnackyOnassis · 05/01/2023 09:25

(also my post is heavily biased as I've got a toddler who is the best person I've ever met in my life. While I was a little on the fence about whether or not I wanted children before, now that I have him I know I'd hugely regret never having met him.)

Good luck!

Chrimbob · 05/01/2023 09:28

Saying he doesn't see what you'd get from having a biological child compared to step-children is ridiculous. He has his biological children doesn't he, so this doesn't affect him. It sounds manipulative - 'are my children not good enough for you?'