To have a baby or not to have a baby?

[StepMumJ]

Me and my partner have 2 step children from his previous marriage.
I’m 35 and have quite an intense job with travel commitments.
I always wanted to have a child when I was younger but as I have got older I’ve become less certain due to the realities vs romanticising of what a child entails.
My partner has had a vasectomy and as such has suggested that 2023 is the year I make a final decision on if we are going to try for a baby or not. He personally doesn’t want to as he feels two are enough but will support what I want.

I’m really torn, particularly on the implications to my step children, my relationship with my partner given he doesn’t really want another child and my career.

I would love to hear from anyone who has or is going through similar.

@picnicshicnic I'm not projecting at all. Why would I be? I have DC with my DP.

Yes OP had other reasons to have some doubts about having kids. My point is her decision about whether she really wants them should be based on those things, not the fact it MIGHT be hard on her SC. They might not even remain her SC if she chooses to pursue kids, as she may need to do it in a different relationship. But she should not simply give up on the idea just because her current SC might not like it.

It's not my intention to label you manipulative, but I do think that line of argument has manipulative undertones. She needs headspace to consider her own feelings, not suggestion that she should not do so and should focus on the SC instead.

If you did have a baby what would you do about your career with the travel? How much childcare would your husband we able or willing to do with his job and existing children to take into account? Would you be happy to take a career break?

Have you ever tried to raise children in a blended family household? Do you know how many couples survive that?

OP, I have my own child, who I love more than anyone and anything else in the world, I am aware however that if I had not had him I wouldn’t know the difference. I am also very aware that although people says he is “manipulating you into not having children” the reverse of the coin is that you are “manipulating him into having more than he wants”

If a couple disagree on whether to have more children or not (and you have none together), the best option is to walk away and find someone who wants the same as you provided having children is a priority for YOU.

Have you ever tried to raise children in a blended family household? Do you know how many couples survive that?

Yes, I have one DSC and we share two DC. It's fine. But having DSS was nothing like having my own children before or after and it definitely was not better, which is what I was disagreeing with.

I do agree though that leaving to find a partner who wants kids would be the best course of action if she does decide that she wants her own children.

provided having children is a priority for YOU.

I think this is the main point surely. Whether or not to have children is such a personal decision. To base it on someone else's feelings, your partners or your stepchildrens, would be foolish in my opinion.

And I have to agree with ASofa, to suggest it's potentially better having step children than your own children is an... Odd(?) thing to suggest. The two are nothing alike. You may not have to deal with certain trying aspects of parenting with step children but then I don't think you get the incredibly amazing and positive parts of it either.

For OPs partner to suggest she'd get nothing from having her own children that she doesn't already get from her stepchildren is ridiculous and unfair and shows he has a complete lack of understanding of the difference between the two (probably because it's not him potentially giving up having his own children).

The OP should only not have a child if SHE doesn't want to. Not because her partner's children might not like it or her partner isn't keen. In that situation I'd be finding someone else who was on my wave length if I decided I wanted a child.

You have to really decide within yourself if having a child is important to you. Will it be worth the sacrifices - in your case, your career may need to change. Will you be happy with how your life looks? If so I think you should go for it.

I don't think I would go as far as saying you should leave for DH if you want a child. He has said he's willing to have another child and I suspect wanting to make a decision this year is because he knows the older his kids get, the harder it is going back to the baby stage.

My friend married a man with 3 dc from a previous marriage, and he'd had a vasectomy. He reversed it and they had 2 DC together, and they are happy. Obviously this isn't the case for everyone but it is possible. it would be good to talk to your DH about what life would look like with a child together, try to establish if he is really on board.

I would be questioning why 50/50 now? Is Mum returning to work? If you have a baby, will you be the default childcare for ALL the children? Can you afford a nanny/after school activities etc? What would be YOUR plan for returning to work and furthering your career/pension rights after giving birth?

If he’s already had the snip and has said he doesn’t want another but will go along to keep you happy then don’t do it, with him at least. He’s clearly made his decision but wants to keep you around

I'd say if you really want it go for it. You could end up regretting it if you don't. I love my son so much and wouldn't be without it. The love is a totally different love. Pregnant again. Love being a mam. Nothing can compare ❤

Him* not it

@ButterflyOil
i’m not sure what I would do about my career. I would like to think the business I work for is supportive as they have recently supported a location move I wanted but let’s see, but it’s a corporate environment so maybe not, although I am confident I could do consultancy work / move firms if needed to change things.
My partner has already taken the lead on this and agreed that he would take a break or step back from his career to help with childcare, he has already taken a step back career wise so that we could move to the area of the country where his ex wife moved with his children.
these are all steps he and I have taken as part of a bigger plan of being closer to his children, facilitating a 50/50 split of his children and potentially having a third child.

@Xmasbaby11
thanks this is really helpful.

50/50 as his ex wife moved the children to the other side of the country. For the last 3 years we have been travelling 460 miles a weekend to spend time with them. When during Covid his ex wife had some mental health issues they came to live with us full time which would always be our preference but would be unfair to his ex wife as she loves the children as any mother would.
No I would not be default, we have budgeted for all potential childcare for the future including a newborn (as we are buying a new house and we are both planners by nature). Career, I would likely go back to work after 3-4 months with my partner taking on the next 5-6 months with his paternity leave allowances. From there we would get full time childcare to help us manage our careers.

If you are sure you want a child (which you sound like you are) I think you should consider finding someone who actually wants more children.

It would worry me that despite what he's saying, he would resent the child and you and that he wouldn't be a supportive and engaged dad. Add step kids into the mix and it all sounds really risky and messy.

@Otterock
thanks I can see this is a sentiment shared by many and very much a mental obstacle for me.
ultimately when we met 4 years ago we were very honest with each other and he said from day one he would support my decision whatever I wanted in regards to another child despite him not being keen. He had a vasectomy during his previous marriage due to lots of reasons for not wanting another child within that marriage, a marriage he really did want to work at the time. He and his ex have a great coparenting relationship, it’s not perfect don’t get me wrong and myself and his ex will never be besties however much I would like us to be friends but he is a wonderful father and coparenting partner as well as husband to me.

It sounds like the two of you have already put a lot of planning into potentially having a baby, which makes it seem like more of a realistic prospect. It also sounds like you've heavily built your lives around each other, moving across the country for his kids for example.

As much as I do agree with the sentiment others have shared that you shouldn't have a child with somebody who doesn't want one, he is a big boy and if he does feel that keeping his clearly very committed relationship with you is more important to him than NOT having another child, then I do think he's entitled to make that decision. You don't want to have a child with someone that's really against the idea and would disengage and leave it all to you, but at the same time I've seen one party in a couple have one more kid than they perhaps felt the need for because their spouse wanted to, and it hasn't really been a drama. They're still dad to that child and happy to have them once they're there, they just perhaps would not have instigated it themselves.

I would ask him to really describe how he feels he would be about having another child, whether he's really averse or just a bit ambivalent.

I did have that conversation - similar in that I have 2 stepchildren and DH said he would have another if I wanted but he wasn’t keen on another. I decided not to for a multitude of reasons and DH got a vasectomy. There are moments when I look back and evaluate the decision and wonder what life would have been like if the choice had been different. Most of the time I am very happy with the decision. For example right now DH is abroad because his parent is dying - I can fully support him in that and tell him to extend his visit if he feels he wants to while still coping well at home - if we’d had a child that would be a very different set of circumstances (on a covid and COL etc but even day to day things).

I don’t think anyone should ttc unless they are 100% sure it’s the right decision for them and the full family, especially if there are potential future half siblings involved.

Having a baby is a huge, life changing decision for everyone involved. It’s not something you should do out of a sense of what you should do, or because you’re worried about having regrets.

I’d take some time to really consider what you want, maybe even speak to a councillor if it’s financially doable. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

My partner always asks me what I feel a new child will bring that I don't already get from my step children
More red flags than Stalin's birthday. This is actually hopelessly stupid at best, quite manipulative at worst.
He doesn't want more children. That should be the end of it. One way or another, if you go ahead then I predict a few horrible years of resentment and angst on both sides before a merciful split.
If you sacrifice the chance to have your own child to be with him, knowing that your DSC will likely disappear too in the event of a split, I fear you'd grow to resent the situation anyway.

@aSofaNearYou
Thanks I think this is really useful. Ultimately the fact he is conscious of my age and the timings around reversal's etc I think do show how much he wants to support me in this even if it is not his preference.
He has said in the past that his children he shares with his ex he wasn't really on board with at the time but he did for her happiness and yet his world revolves around those boys and he would do anything for them. Seeing the way he is as a father gave me the confidence that maybe I could have a bit of everything, career, baby, husband, etc.

But why would you want to have a kid with somebody who is saying outright ‘I don’t want this baby.’ I mean do what’s right for you, but don’t complain down the line, because he’s been honest from the word go.

I’d honestly consider sperm donation and becoming a single parent by choice before having a baby with a man who says he doesn’t want a baby and thinks his two kids are enough.

@Sittingonabench
Not having another child will allow us so much more freedom to enjoy other elements of our life like career, travel, time the two of us and also enable us to put his children first vs trying to juggle needs of a baby and 2 almost teen boys (by the time a baby is conceived / born). I am trying to weigh up everything I will miss out on for sure. Thank you, your reply is really helpful.

I actually found the opposite. I feel closer to them now.

Having your own child is absolutely nothing like having step kids. Nothing. I would die for my child.

I would not have a child with a man who doesn’t want a child. If I were you (and you decide you want a baby), I would leave and find someone who wants the same. Blended families are not easy.

I would say having older kids a few times a week is nothing like what having ur own child 24/7 is like. You know they are going back and they are quite independent if almost teenagers. As a couple it's very hard to get any time together or even time for yourself.

It might all work out perfectly though or it might not and you could end up a single mum.

However, imagine if a couple of years down the line you end up splitting up anyway but you didn't go on to have a child of your own. Can you realistically imagine you'll have a relationship with his 2 teenage boys. I'd doubt it.

If it's what you really want. don't leave it too late.