To have a baby or not to have a baby?

[StepMumJ]

Me and my partner have 2 step children from his previous marriage.
I’m 35 and have quite an intense job with travel commitments.
I always wanted to have a child when I was younger but as I have got older I’ve become less certain due to the realities vs romanticising of what a child entails.
My partner has had a vasectomy and as such has suggested that 2023 is the year I make a final decision on if we are going to try for a baby or not. He personally doesn’t want to as he feels two are enough but will support what I want.

I’m really torn, particularly on the implications to my step children, my relationship with my partner given he doesn’t really want another child and my career.

I would love to hear from anyone who has or is going through similar.

Relationships sometimes don’t last (not a reflection on yours - just a fact).

So I would ask anyone considering a baby to ask themselves if they would still want a child if they ended up single further down the line.

I would suggest you truly embrace his as yours as you will find out when you have kids that is a much nicer job to be the fun aunt instead.

This is quite misleading - having my own children might be more demanding but it is one hundred times nicer than being a step mum/"fun aunt" figure.

I think from the comments here most would agree that having their own kids was a better experience and feeling.

Are you the maternal type? Have you always imagined yourself with a family, and then grandchildren down the line? Careers don't last forever, and then what? If you can imagine yourself happily transitioning into part-time/volunteer work/hobbies etc. while your school/uni/ex colleague friends talk little but grandchildren you'll be fine. But if you don't have children, you will need to make a fulfilling life for all of your life in another direction.

I would never ever ever have a baby with a man who admits before the fact that he doesn’t want to have a baby with you. Recipe for absolute disaster. Consider your options, and if you want to have a baby find somebody who wants to have a baby.

How tricky. How will you cope with your job?
I feel like you need a new DP and then a baby.

The flip side to this is that if the relationship doesn’t last and OP doesn’t have a baby, she may then be past the point of having one by the time a new relationship is formed (notwithstanding going it alone etc etc).

She should absolutely ask herself if she would want a child as a single parent – everyone should! – but she should also ask herself if she would want a child-free life as a single person.

It depends. Most of your reasons not to seem to be about other people and how they'd feel apart from your job. Step children and your partner not wanting to.

I'm sorry but I'd never give up having a child of my own (if that's what I wanted) because of how other people might feel. Unless you raise them and the other parent isn't around, I really don't think step children are in any way comparable to your own child.

That being said if the reasons are genuinely your own i.e. worried about career etc.. then it's a perfectly valid decision to not have a child.

I just think not doing so because your step children might not like it and your partner doesn't fancy it, if you actually do want to, would lead to possible resentment later down the line.

Make your decision for you. Not for them. Honestly even if that means leaving to find someone more on your page.

I'm not in quite the same position but my DH also had a vasectomy after his second child with his ex wife. His reason was that their marriage would not survive further children (it didn't anyway obviously) and he really wanted it to work.
I also have two children from my previous marriage and we are parenting them together (my ex husband has little to no involvement). When we began our relationship I was adamant I didn't want anymore children, as was he. However over time that has changed and I began to yearn for another child and also to experience having a baby with a true partner. I thought my DH was set on having no further children and I was adamant not to push him into something. We had a few conversations and both spent time thinking about this separately and each came to the decision that we really wanted to have a baby together. There were lots of reasons not to go for it- our ages, the ages of our children, careers etc, however the wish to have a child outweighed all of those for both of us. My husband is now probably even keener than me! His reversal is booked for next week. It might not happen for us but we both knew we would regret it if we didn't try.

As for step children being like having your own, ime it is absolutely not true! Even in my situation when my husband is Dad to my biological children he unconsciously holds back. If you want a baby then it should be because you want it but I do believe it's really important that he is also on board and wants this too.

This 100%. I had my daughter aged 40 and I cannot believe I nearly didn't bother as I had lots going on. Becoming a mother turned my life from good to amazing.

It sounds like if you didn’t have your own children you would regret it in five or ten years when it would be too late. I think you need to look at this time as now or never. And having stepchildren is completely different to having your own biological children of course.

I think only you two can make the decision about having children. If you do, you need to get cracking as he needs a reversal and you don’t know how long it will take you to fall.

How much time have you spent with babies/small children? Do you find them enjoyable to be around and are you familiar and comfortable with the amount of work they are?

Sorry if that comes across as patronising, but I think everyone should ask themselves that if they’re thinking about kids.

In regards to your partner, how does he get on with his ex in terms of co-parenting? That’s useful to know in case your relationship doesn’t work out. I’d be cautious because he’s said he doesn’t really want another one as he’s happy with the two he has- I’ve heard of some guys dumping all the load on their partners after baby turns up because the baby “wasn’t their idea”.

Just some stuff to consider- I hope you find what’s best for you!

How much time have you spent with babies/small children? Do you find them enjoyable to be around and are you familiar and comfortable with the amount of work they are?

On the other hand, I’m not really that keen on other people’s small children but my own DS is marvellous.

How much time have you spent with babies/small children? Do you find them enjoyable to be around and are you familiar and comfortable with the amount of work they are?

I don't think this is a good indicator really. I'm not a baby or child person really. But my son is the best person in the world to me.

Having step kids would no way replace having your own. I would seriously consider starting again with someone new rather than a dad who begrudgingly has one with you (who had surgery to ensure they would have no more)

I can tell you now that from my own perspective having kids is out of this world - your heart is full and I don’t think you would get that from having someone else’s at the weekends

My partner always asks me what I feel a new child will bring that I don't already get from my step children.

For me, that would be easy. Unconditional love. I don't love my step children, and they don't love me. We get along just fine however if my relationship with their dad ended we'd probably never see other again.

You also don't get a lot of say in how step children are brought up, schooling, big decisions etc so you're never really their 'parent'.

It cannot be compared to having your own children - which is a wonderful, if not rather frustrating, endeavour!

I think the difficulty is that the reasons you want a child (created together,don't have to share with an ex) are the very readons that can cause issues.

Blended families are complex. For example if you had kids from a previous relationship, and your current step kids, blending them is hard. But the hardest of all is when you create new "joint" kids. That changes the dynamic massively and can be very difficult for the step children.

I have no step children btw but I have close family members in this situation and it is very difficult for all involved and has lifelong repercussions.

My personal situation - very stressful, fairly high powered job. High maintenance kids. And my god it is so hard. I don't think you can appreciate until you have kids just how all encompassing they are.

As you have step kids that you love, if I were you I'd be very tempted to enjoy my career, my marriage, my free time, and put as much energy as I could into the step kids. You could do so much for them and be such an asset to their lives, whilst having the emotional workload that is a fraction of having your own kids. You then have a rewarding relationship with them which you can enjoy, but not all the associated guilt and stress and all the rest of it because they already have two parents.

That's my view anyway. It seems much preferable rather than opening up the can of worms of having a joint kid with your husband. Just take a look on here to see the many threads about massive discord because a posters own biological kids are being treated differently to the step kids. Stress and unhappiness all round.

My partner always asks me what I feel a new child will bring that I don't already get from my step children

This just shows a glaring lack of understanding and sensitivity from your partner tbh.

It's HUGELY different, it's not even worth comparing. Ask your partner if he thinks he could get the same from some kids you had with someone else and only see not even half the week than he gets from his own children that he knows and loves unconditionally? It's a ridiculous thing to suggest.

Honestly, I would take a bit of time and deep dive do you independently want a child first. Because, in my opinion, you need to be sure before you look at the challenges you already have identified;

1. you may end up doing it alone - are you willing to ?.
2. DH doesn't want a third child, he has done the baby/toddler stage so he sounds like the heavy lifting will be up to you.
3. Your job - travelling a lot and managing a baby/toddler will be very difficult unless DH is fully onboard
4. Step Children - it will have an impact on their lives, their relationship with their father. Don't compare their attitude to nephews/cousins. This will be watching another child have "their" father full time.
5. DH - going through a vasectomy when he doesn't want a child may lead to resentment and implode the relationship. He will be a father of three children with a big age difference - given his children would be 8+ then the activities, holidays, hobbies will be different and there will be a challenge as a younger child changes the dynamic of time together.

There is a lot of challenges - all conquerable with full open communication but do have your eyes wide open.

Well, you might not like this line of questioning but...

... your DH probably isn't dad of the year. He currently does the fun stuff, by your own admission, and is only now moving to 50:50 that his kids are a lot older? (At this point, most divorced dads blame a crazy ex wife here, but that is almost never the full picture!). He doesn't want more kids. Did having kids contribute to the break up of his own relationship?

If you have kids and DH isn't mega engaged because he has done it all before, are you going to feel sad, to feel competitive with his past experiences, with his existing kids? That's not a dynamic you should introduce into their lives, very unfair. Will you resent DH if he isn't mega engaged and doesn't put in a lot of work to help you to keep your career going?

@SalviaOfficinalis & @CheeseNStuff Hahaha you’re both probably right 😅 I’m definitely a “kid person” - and I’ve worked in childcare a bunch, so I never understood much when people said they could only bear to change their own child’s nappy or something like that.

@picnicshicnic On the flip side, I've not had any particular complications with DSS due to us having our own DC. Both have been challenging individually but he was happy to have siblings.

It's a bit manipulative to basically say "your SC won't like them so give up on having your own children for their sake, and focus on being an asset to their lives". OP should be considering her own feelings on whether she wants kids, not opting out because her SC may not like it (though they may). The truth is OP could potentially be just as happy if not more in a different relationship with her own kids, whereas if she gives up kids just to keep this relationship and regrets it, she may always be unhappy. Her feelings on this subject are paramount, not her current SC's.

Blended families are complex. For example if you had kids from a previous relationship, and your current step kids, blending them is hard. But the hardest of all is when you create new "joint" kids. That changes the dynamic massively and can be very difficult for the step children.

Quite the opposite. Our joint DC brought everyone closer together. My DC and the SC dote on their sibling. My DC and SC are also really close. I think having a shared sibling gives them a special bond, I think they'll be friends for life. It wasn't difficult for anyone, they were all super excited. The SC found it harder when we got married (which was after the baby).

Sorry, meant to bold the top paragraph on that post. Not my words!

@aSofaNearYou I think you're projecting a bit because of your own personal situation.

OP doesn't know if she wants kids due to being realistic about what it entails and her high pressured career which involves a lot of travel.

Her husband has had a vasectomy and doesn't want more kids.

It's not much of a leap to suggest that maybe not having more kids would be the best idea?

As for calling me manipulative

Best just agree to disagree I think.