Page 2 | Am I a bad step mom…..

Newmom90 · 2022-12-30T22:34:26+00:00

I have 2 step children, a girl and a boy. I’m really struggling to ‘love’ them and I feel awful about it. I just find life so much easier and relaxed when they aren’t around. we have them around quite a lot, they come for tea 3 nights a week and they sleep every other weekend. So one week we have them over 6 days, Tuesday - Sunday. We then have Monday off and have them for tea Tuesday to Thursday. Then it is our weekend off and it repeats like that. The 4 days we don’t have them, they seem to fly by but the 6 days in a row seem to drag. I have my own son who is 17 weeks old and I know I will feel differently about him as he is mine and this makes me feel guilty. I try to enjoy time with them when they are here but I just don’t. I feel like I can’t talk to any of my friends or family about this, as I do fear being judged. I feel so much guilt about this, as I know my husband misses them when they aren’t here but I barely like having them around, let alone love them. Can anyone else on here relate or am I a truly wicked step mom 😣

overthehill7 · 31/12/2022 13:14

Completely normal!!
And congratulations ❤️

It is completely different having your own. And it's just the most amazing thing. Having to take a backseat and constantly reminded the step children aren't yours... it's just amazing to be able to enjoy your own beautiful baby! 🥰

As a step mum you aren't allowed to have opinions or comment on anything to do with SC and this becomes draining. When you live together and have to keep a distance with the parenting role, it becomes really hard. It also becomes harder when this will effect your own children!

pocketvenuss · 31/12/2022 13:22

Chantelle302412 · 31/12/2022 01:25

I feel you!!

i have a partner who’s got a son from previous and we have now got a 1 year old.

Before our 1 year old was born I was easy going, happy, just you know okay with everything. Then when our baby was born it got to me. At the start it was just every other weekend but then our city’s team would be playing on what should be our weekend so off he went leaving me and our child for 2/3 weeks on the trot.

first week in the summer holidays he had his child for the whole week so it was less time for me and the baby. This last week 5 solid days of having the other child. What I struggle with is it feels like it’s them two And us two and I don’t blame the child one little bit i blame my partner.

I got friendly with said child’s mother which made it easier and then they used to do things and pick up and drop off like leave me and my baby sat in the car for 15 minutes for what reason? my child would cry and he’d get back in the car non the wiser so I said something.

he goes to take the child training mid week and then a game at the weekend every weekend so every
weekend is some what in relation to the child and it drives me insane cause I feel like me and my child don’t get any proper quality time we get “ daddy after work” or daddy just not wanting to do anything xause he’s busy every other day or every other time.

im sorry I keep meaning to make my own post! But I feel you it is hard to accept, it’s intense and it’s overwhelming and I do think your partner has his other children way too much I don’t know how the mother allows it.

please try and claim back some of your time even if you take your child and nip out for an hour while they are there
to families or the shops it helps!! And the times they are not ask your partner to go somewhere with you or do something to create special moments and times where it’s not just about the children.

i am sorry you feel like this

'The other child....said child....the child..... ' your choice of language is telling. You don't seem to like your step son and resent his existence. This should have been resolved before creating a new family with your dp. Your step son is here forever. You need to reframe your view of him. Nothing about him seems to be the problem. It's his existence that is the problem from your point of view.

pocketvenuss · 31/12/2022 13:25

beachcitygirl · 31/12/2022 12:52

@sunlovingcriminal I'm a step
Mother & I will contribute my opinions and get advice myself as I please.

It's this type of person who gives all stepmums a a bad name.

Being honest about one's concerns about the way they are feeling does not give SMs a bad name. Launching in with nasty attacks give YOU a bad name.

overthehill7 · 31/12/2022 13:29

@pocketvenuss

Disagree with you. @Chantelle302412 also says "my child"
I would say the way she is typing/talking has absolutely nothing to do with a feeling towards the step child.

tattychicken · 31/12/2022 13:30

But you don't have them Tues-Sunday. Coming for tea three times a week is prob about 2 hrs each time, so 6 hours each week plus every other weekend. I don't think that's excessive at all.

Mathenytyrel · 31/12/2022 13:34

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Reugny · 31/12/2022 13:34

tattychicken · 31/12/2022 13:30

But you don't have them Tues-Sunday. Coming for tea three times a week is prob about 2 hrs each time, so 6 hours each week plus every other weekend. I don't think that's excessive at all.

You are ignoring the OP is post-partum so her hormones are all over the place plus she is not getting a proper night's sleep.

Also it's actually easier having kids over a long period as they fall into the routine around them.

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 31/12/2022 13:36

I'm more relaxed when my own children aren't around too, I think that's pretty normal. Life is easier when you don't have to work around the DC, even when they're older and pretty independent.

also, it's normal to feel differently (purely because they need so much at that age and so your hormones react accordingly!) about your own first-born new baby and your own older children, never mind children who you haven't known since birth. So I wouldn't worry that this means you don't love them. Unless there is more you are worried about?

pocketvenuss · 31/12/2022 13:43

overthehill7 · 31/12/2022 13:29

@pocketvenuss

Disagree with you. @Chantelle302412 also says "my child"
I would say the way she is typing/talking has absolutely nothing to do with a feeling towards the step child.

It's not the use of the word 'child'. 'My child' shows a connection. This is totally the opposite to referring to one's SC as 'THE child...SAID child....OTHER child'. It's objectifying her SC rather than describing with any connection or emotion.
The language we choose reveals s lot of our feelings and intentions. That's why psychologists and profilers look so closely at the choice of words and phrases people use. If it's not someone's native language, that makes a difference though.

Reugny · 31/12/2022 13:48

pocketvenuss · 31/12/2022 13:43

It's not the use of the word 'child'. 'My child' shows a connection. This is totally the opposite to referring to one's SC as 'THE child...SAID child....OTHER child'. It's objectifying her SC rather than describing with any connection or emotion.
The language we choose reveals s lot of our feelings and intentions. That's why psychologists and profilers look so closely at the choice of words and phrases people use. If it's not someone's native language, that makes a difference though.

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She had a baby 17 weeks ago and her "D" h isn't pulling his weight so what do you expect?

AlwaysGinPlease · 31/12/2022 13:52

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🧐

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 31/12/2022 14:09

Ffs I just referred to my own children as "the DC". Way to stretch to make a point

sunlovingcriminal · 31/12/2022 14:31

beachcitygirl · 31/12/2022 12:52

@sunlovingcriminal I'm a step
Mother & I will contribute my opinions and get advice myself as I please.

It's this type of person who gives all stepmums a a bad name.

Not quite "as you please", if your comments get deleted.

Even worse attacking another SM for asking for advice.. comes across very means girls.

funinthesun19 · 31/12/2022 15:40

Also it's actually easier having kids over a long period as they fall into the routine around them.

Yes this is so true! This is probably one of the biggest reasons why stepdads seem to breeze through it all as they are usually in a relationship with the RP.

CornishGem1975 · 31/12/2022 15:50

I am years down the line and feel exactly the same. It's completely normal from what I've seen on here.

Chantelle302412 · 31/12/2022 20:50

pocketvenuss · 31/12/2022 13:43

It's not the use of the word 'child'. 'My child' shows a connection. This is totally the opposite to referring to one's SC as 'THE child...SAID child....OTHER child'. It's objectifying her SC rather than describing with any connection or emotion.
The language we choose reveals s lot of our feelings and intentions. That's why psychologists and profilers look so closely at the choice of words and phrases people use. If it's not someone's native language, that makes a difference though.

Show quote history

@overthehill7 @pocketvenuss sorry I didn’t go through the ins and outs I was trying to disguise the gender of my partners child but I didn’t do a great job.

they do not call me step mum do not know me as that and they have asked before if I was and was told no she isn’t your step mum which I’m fine with but would I like to be respected as one yes. I pick the child up from school on occasion while both bio parents worked, I’ve taken care of him while my partners been at work on weekends. I pick him up and drop him home take him football when I can. I used to go and show support at football training until it got cold and all I ever hear about is how they want time on their own without me and my daughter which I realised quickly I needed it to get away so I didn’t feel unwanted. He does just go into his exs house they shut the door and leave me sat in the. Car for sometimes it can be 2 minutes but mostly it is 10/15 which I think is excessive.

it’s loads like when we’ve got him I get ignored he literally doesn’t show me nothing and does nothing for our child. He’s a great dad to both individually but fails when put together.

i know children come first as does my little girl to me but the level of what I have to go through and the disrespect I go through is frustrating.

my partners son is amazing he is funny my little girl loves him and I’ve always tried to include him when it’s Christmas and always used to surprise him before I had our child with little things I knew he wanted and I plan on getting back to it once finances are in a great place.

i built resentment towards my partner because up until Christmas. I was getting £40 a week which I am grateful for. But it doesn’t go far when you need formula nappies etc etc and then I bought all the new travel system as the other didn’t fit in my car the new cot the new high chair everything and I watched him spend £££s on his eldest while I struggled cause he makes double what I do and more. He used to always always go out with his eldest and leave me and my baby behind and at the start it took me ages to get used to. Now it’s been birthday and Christmas he basically paid for it all.

i didn’t mean to come across against the child I know it’s not his fault he loves his dad and his dad loves him and it’s Great to be part of and give him a sister but I wish I felt valued but that’s something we are going to work in 2023. I need my partners time and my little girl does just as much as his son. I know my daughter woke remember nothing right now but we will and it’s time to make nice memories.

Chantelle302412 · 31/12/2022 20:53

Chantelle302412 · 31/12/2022 20:50

@overthehill7 @pocketvenuss sorry I didn’t go through the ins and outs I was trying to disguise the gender of my partners child but I didn’t do a great job.

they do not call me step mum do not know me as that and they have asked before if I was and was told no she isn’t your step mum which I’m fine with but would I like to be respected as one yes. I pick the child up from school on occasion while both bio parents worked, I’ve taken care of him while my partners been at work on weekends. I pick him up and drop him home take him football when I can. I used to go and show support at football training until it got cold and all I ever hear about is how they want time on their own without me and my daughter which I realised quickly I needed it to get away so I didn’t feel unwanted. He does just go into his exs house they shut the door and leave me sat in the. Car for sometimes it can be 2 minutes but mostly it is 10/15 which I think is excessive.

it’s loads like when we’ve got him I get ignored he literally doesn’t show me nothing and does nothing for our child. He’s a great dad to both individually but fails when put together.

i know children come first as does my little girl to me but the level of what I have to go through and the disrespect I go through is frustrating.

my partners son is amazing he is funny my little girl loves him and I’ve always tried to include him when it’s Christmas and always used to surprise him before I had our child with little things I knew he wanted and I plan on getting back to it once finances are in a great place.

i built resentment towards my partner because up until Christmas. I was getting £40 a week which I am grateful for. But it doesn’t go far when you need formula nappies etc etc and then I bought all the new travel system as the other didn’t fit in my car the new cot the new high chair everything and I watched him spend £££s on his eldest while I struggled cause he makes double what I do and more. He used to always always go out with his eldest and leave me and my baby behind and at the start it took me ages to get used to. Now it’s been birthday and Christmas he basically paid for it all.

i didn’t mean to come across against the child I know it’s not his fault he loves his dad and his dad loves him and it’s Great to be part of and give him a sister but I wish I felt valued but that’s something we are going to work in 2023. I need my partners time and my little girl does just as much as his son. I know my daughter woke remember nothing right now but we will and it’s time to make nice memories.

Show quote history

He is making slow improvements I was venting about the last year I’ve had but hopefully it’ll all change now and I know I’ve got to put effort into it too but I’ve felt so lonely this last year and going into next I hope I can put even more effort in and it is reciprocated

Juuuuuuu · 01/01/2023 23:21

You're not as wicked as me OP. I count the seconds until my SC go back to their mum's frankly. I much prefer it when they aren't here. The house is less messy, less arguing, me and DH get one better, less faffing around organising who's taking who to where or when.

We are getting into the teens now and honestly I'm hoping they want to stop coming as often soon.

I'm also aware that I feel like this because I've been used as a convenient nanny by both my husband and his ex for years and I'm finally realising it. Unfortunately it's tainted how I feel generally about being a step mother, in fact I fucking hate it.

BlindMum · 02/01/2023 09:49

Perfectly normal to feel like that I’m in that club the house is horrid when SC is here arguments shouting screaming.

going to sound mean only cook for them when you want to and as for the cleaning up make it known you are not the help and you need help to clean up.

so back to the feelings a therapist told me that it’s totally normal to feel this way. Most parents get the cute little baby moments and all those lovely memories we as SM don’t get that we just see the bad most of the time we don’t Have the lovely memories to look back on when they are being annoying as we do if we have our own

before Anyone jumps at me people who foster and adopt are very different and have a very different bond to a SP and I totally respect them for that

LoveAHolidayOrTwo · 02/01/2023 09:52

You need to leave your DH to sort out their tea, maybe be busy doing baby’s bath or even out for a stroll.

LoveAHolidayOrTwo · 02/01/2023 09:53

What’s the plan for the school holidays?

Nofurme · 02/01/2023 21:48

OP don’t feel guilty - of course you cannot automatically love your DSC just because you love their Dad! All you can be is caring, supportive and welcoming - this is totally normal. You also have a new baby and that brings a whole load of different feelings and it’s totally okay and normal to feel much more love. Don’t focus on what you think you should feel as these expectations can make you feel worse. You’re definitely not a bad person and what you feel is very normal.